Page 11 of The Governess’s Absolutely Impossible Wish (The Notorious Briarwoods #8)

B oldly, Giselle raised her hand to knock on Zephyr’s door.

She was ready to tell him that she had no idea what she was doing, but she couldn’t keep doing what she always had. For it had left her confused, hollow, and at a loss. He had awoken her to that, and there was no going back to the slumber she had been in for so long.

Before she could rap her knuckles on the wood, the door was yanked open. He stood in the firelight, took one look at her, and said, “Will you marry me?”

She blinked, nearly stumbled back, and let out a cry of alarm.

He grabbed her before she could fall to the ground. “That amazing, am I?” he drawled. “I’ve never caused a lady to swoon before.”

“Cease,” she tsked as she whacked his shoulder. “Don’t be absurd.”

“I am good at being absurd,” he pointed out. “I didn’t mean to nearly cause you to fall.”

“Well, give a young woman a moment,” she said. “I never expected that you would ask me to marry you in such a fashion.”

“Did you not? Had I not made myself clear? Or was it merely the way I did it?”

“All of the above,” she breathed, still amazed by how powerful he was and the way she felt in his arms. She was not nothing. She was sturdy and strong, as good governess needed to be to handle small children.

He said, “I told you I would never hurt you, at least not in the way that I think you believe I might.”

She swallowed, blinking, wishing she could stay in his arms forever. “You want to marry me?” she asked, hardly daring to believe it.

He had given every indication that he was not a cad… But this all seemed too much like one of the stories in the popular novelettes that appealed most to girls of the serving class.

“Yes,” he said softly, pulling her closer, keeping her half off her feet as he drew her into his chamber and shut the door. “I think my entire family knows that I wish to marry you. We’ll have the banns declared at once, and you and I shall marry in the chapel here. We will invite all the villagers. We can invite anyone you want. All your friends.”

She stilled in his arms. “I don’t really have many friends,” she said softly.

“We can invite all of Miss Abelard’s school,” he offered. “Surely, you wish some of them to attend? Or your teachers?”

She laughed, sliding her hand up his shoulder. “Zephyr, do you not do anything by half measures?”

“Good God, no. Why would anyone want to? It’s why I am terribly sad and then happy,” he said, but then he frowned. “That’s not quite accurate. That’s more my brother’s line.”

She did not know how to feel. But she felt so much. And it was all so surprising, for long ago, she’d forced herself to remain staid. “We are so different.”

“It is a relief that we are,” he said. “And just so you know, I am only sad two months of the year.”

“That matters not… I would care for you if you were sad all the year,” she breathed.

He smiled down at her, his gaze softening. “You must prepare yourself. We Briarwoods do things powerfully. We do not hold back. For instance, the moment I left you in the music room, I knew. I knew that you were going to be mine, and I didn’t want to wait, but I also didn’t want to overwhelm you. But the moment I heard you outside my door,” he said, “I could not wait another moment to ask you to marry me. And…you’ve left me without an answer.”

She placed her hand atop his heart, pressing his linen shirt as she tilted her head back and searched his face. “You really mean it, don’t you?”

“Must I tell you again? I shall. I shall assure you all night long. I shall assure you forever.”

“Just once more, please.”

He lifted his hand and stroked her cheek. “I knew the moment I saw you, before Christmas, that I would be asking you this question. I just didn’t know how long I’d have to wait for you to say yes. I knew that you were going to take some convincing to believe that this was the right thing.”

“But I’m just the governess,” she protested.

“Ah! We must never belittle ourselves, Giselle,” he said. “You are magnificent, and you are the best governess in the entire country. You are a remarkable human being, and you are going to be my wife.”

“I’m going to let your mother down terribly,” she gasped suddenly, the idea crushing.

“How?” he asked, his brows drawing together.

“Well, who shall look after the children if I am no longer their governess? And their education matters a great deal to me. Portia, Maximus, Octavian… All of them. They are such lights in the world—”

“You can still look after the children if it concerns you,” he said, beaming at her. “But I think that you will find, as my wife, you can do whatever you wish. You will still be with the children if you want to, or we can travel the world—”

“Stop,” she said. “I love your family and do not wish to be parted from them.”

She blanched. Had she really just said that? More proof that she had never maintained the distance that Miss Abelard had required of her.

Zephyr lowered his forehead to hers and mused, “You’re well and truly gone, aren’t you? We have won you over.”

“You did,” she admitted, the strangest feeling warming her heart, even as she struggled to believe all this was truly happening. “Your whole family has brought me in, showing me day by day how much you all take care of each other. And you’ve won me over with your ridiculous honesty, with your vulnerability, with the way you’ve been so kind to me, to the children, to your whole family. I have watched it all this time. There is not a cruel bone in your body, is there?”

He pursed his lips. “That’s not true. I’ve nearly done murder several times.”

She tsked. “You are a devil.”

“A devil?” he asked with faux horror.

She rolled her eyes, but with good humor. “Yes, a very charming, mischievous devil. Rather like Puck in the play. I think you enjoy it.”

“I must,” he confessed playfully as he drew her farther into his chamber so that they were bathed by the firelight. “That’s why you’ve come here, isn’t it? To be alone with my devilish self?”

She nodded. “But it frightens me too.”

“Frightens you?” he echoed.

She looked away for a moment, searching for the words, for her truth, and for the courage to speak. “I’m terrified that I won’t be able to let go. You see, I’ve been holding on tight for so very long that I do not know if I can let myself be comfortable with you.”

“There is no rush,” he said, his voice a low rumble that she felt through her whole body.

She licked her lips and countered, “Yes, there is.”

“Why?” he asked.

“Because I don’t want to run away from you again. I don’t want to fall back on cold logic again.”

At that, he grew silent, but his emotions spoke more than words as he enfolded her into his embrace, pressing her close to him and resting her head against his shoulder.

“I won’t let you run away. I won’t let you fall back on cold logic, as you say,” he said. “You’re mine, Giselle. You were always meant to be mine, and you will always be mine. So come and be mine.”

With that, he circled his hands around her waist. “We will go about this in a very slow manner because if it’s true, like you said, that you do not know how to be close to anyone, you shall simply have to learn.”

Her heart leapt at his kindness and his patience. “Thank you,” she whispered. “You shall have to teach me what it is that you wish, how you wish it, how to be free. I have already been freer with you than anyone.”

“Then it’s a good start,” he replied, as he led her towards the settee before the fire. He lowered them both so they sat side by side, angled towards each other.

“You already know what I care about,” she said.

“Music? Education?” he supplied.

She nodded. “Are you the same? Is there something that lifts your heart?”

He smiled slowly. “You.”

“No, there has to be more than that, Zephyr.”

“Why?” he asked. “You have to understand,” he ventured, “the Briarwoods are very comfortable people. We’re not expected to really do anything great, except, of course, my brother. You see, we each find what we are meant to do in this life, and for the gentlemen of the family, often it’s to amplify the talents of their lady. We have the means for it, the ability, and the power when the ladies don’t. Now listen.”

“What?” she asked.

He took her hands gently in his, the weight of his question filling the room. “If you were going to do anything with your life, anything at all, without a single restriction or limitation, without something to come and crush your dream, what would it be?”

She looked up at him, astonished. No one had ever asked her such a thing. She’d never even truly dared to ask herself. Why should she? She was the daughter of a composer who had died in poverty and had the good luck to find a place at Miss Abelard’s.

What could she possibly hope for beyond that?

She hardly knew what to say. It certainly wasn’t the sort of question she had expected from him when she’d entered his room. She had expected passion, she had expected him to sweep her into his arms and forget all words. Instead, it seemed he only wished for words and to delve even deeper into his knowledge of her. It told her more and more that he would not hurt her. He had not picked her simply for passion, as so many men did with ladies, abandoning them when their desires grew cold.

No, he had picked her for her spirit.

“Tell me true,” he said. “What is the secret longing of your heart? Is it to be a composer?” he asked. “Because if it is, we can do—”

“No,” she said quickly.

He blinked. “Are you certain? We have many connections and the music that you played for me…”

“The music that I played for you is for myself,” she rushed. “I’m not like my mother. Not really. Although I think your aunt thinks that I probably am. I love music and I like to make music. It is in my blood and the notes run through my veins, but I do not have the compulsion that my mother did to perform or for audiences to hear what I write. Do you know what I want more than anything in the whole world, Zephyr?”

“What?” he asked.

“For children to not be afraid.”

He blinked. “What?”

Her greatest dream, her dearest wish, built in her then, rattling to the surface. “I want children to know they are safe and that they do not have to perform for their safety. When I was small, you see, I knew that if I did not perform as my mother needed me to, we might not have everything we needed. Her patrons might be disappointed. So, I was like a little doll acting things out, playing music perfectly. I felt so scared and so empty inside. Afraid that if I didn’t get it quite right, I would be letting my mother down. Letting our family down. I want children to love themselves for themselves. And children who are musicians suffer so very much. I think my mother did as a child musician. And I started that journey.”

He listened. Listened intently. “What is it you wish to do then? Tell me more, my love.”

My love. Her heart and mind were a whir at those words, for she had never intended to allow anyone to say them to her. Now? They filled her with hope.

She licked her lips. “Miss Abelard is a step in the right direction, but even she lives by limitations, by rules, by the society that she knows, and she would never run a school for girls who have the talent to be great musicians. I think she is afraid to go one step further, and I understand why. She is a woman in a difficult society that would not approve of her encouraging young ladies to be performers, but if I did not have to worry about the judgment of society, if I did not have to worry about funds, I would teach girls who showed the promise of their male counterparts that they did not have to sell bits of themselves to be great. I would give them a safe place to learn without feeling as if they needed to please a patron, no matter the personal cost. There are academies for boys all over Europe. But girls do not have the same opportunities. And girls face different dilemmas. My childhood made me vigilant about protecting myself. And I would like to protect other girls before they feel they must harden themselves.”

His eyes darkened with sympathy and pride.

She sucked in a breath as she felt a wave of fear, a wave of fear for the little girl she’d been, performing for her mother’s admirers. But she was safe now. “I thought I was being true to myself by protecting myself. In fact, I was just shoving myself further and further down, so that I would be tolerated in this world. I refuse to be merely accepted any longer.”

“Merely accepted?” he whispered. “How could anyone ever merely accept you?” he demanded, his own voice indignant with outrage at her circumstances. “I will celebrate you. The world will celebrate you and your dreams, and I shall make certain they see that you can do all you wish to for the girls you long to protect. As you were not protected.”

“It is too much,” she managed, tears filling her eyes. “I shall ruin it all. It is too much.”

“Why would you say such a thing?” he asked softly, gently stroking a tear from her cheek.

“Because it always comes to ruin, doesn’t it?” she rasped.

“That is only what you know, Giselle,” he pointed out gently. “Let me show you that the ending can be different.”

“This isn’t an ending,” she returned. “This is only the first step on a journey that could become quite treacherous. I am not of your class.”

“I do not care,” he countered easily. “My family does not care. No one in my family will care because the Briarwoods have been made of such differences, and we understand that it’s those differences that have made us more powerful, not less.”

She swallowed. “I know your mother was an actress, but even so, I do not see how she—”

“My mother has been trying to make you love me for weeks.”

She blinked. “What?”

“My mother loves to maneuver people together, and she knows that I love you.”

“She knows?” she echoed.

“Oh, yes.”

“She doesn’t want to throw me out of the house for daring to want her son? Surely, she climbed to such a status. She would not wish to see you lower yourself.”

“Lower? Oh, Giselle, my mother has already envisioned us in the chapel and secured the bishop for as soon as we are ready. If you let her throw a party for us, you will make her the happiest woman alive.”

She laughed at that, but more tears filled her eyes. “Don’t do this,” she said softly.

“Do what, my love?”

“Offer me this dream,” she confessed. “I am so afraid that I shall wake.”

“You already are awake, love. You woke up today when you realized that you did not have to do what you have always done.”

Was it true? Could she believe it? Yes. Yes, she could.