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CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

ROZ

I stepped out onto the back deck of my house, coffee in hand. The rain had finally stopped on Sunday night, and Monday and Tuesday had been gloriously warm. I scanned the scene in front of me. Ronnie was in the petting zoo, preparing for the farm to open. Thelma and Louise had their heads low to the ground, munching on grass in their pasture. There was no sign of anyone else.

My eyes dropped to the railing where Olivia and I had stood, gazing over fields, an arm around each other only days ago, moments before Fred appeared. My heart twinged. I clenched my jaw, forcing my eyes back up.

I should be in a better mood. Fred had agreed to invest in the farm. According to Dana, the rain followed by the warmer weather would be fantastic for all our crops. And the stress of fake-dating was now behind us. Us . My chest tightened. I took a sip of my coffee. It tasted bitter in comparison to the coffee Olivia had made on Sunday. I sighed. Why did all my thoughts keep circling back to Olivia? It wasn’t healthy.

I gulped down another mouthful of the disappointing brew and walked down the steps. Some fresh air and a brisk walk would do me good. As I passed their field, Thelma and Louise ambled over.

One of them—I was pretty sure it was Thelma—let out a mellow moo. I tilted my head and stared at her. She looked back at me, her brown eyes soft. Surprised, I stepped closer to her.

“Moo to you too.” I tentatively reached out like I’d seen Ronnie do a thousand times and gave her long, slow strokes down her neck and shoulders. She leaned toward me, her tail swaying. “You like that, do you?”

Thelma—I was confident it was her now; she was giving me distinct Thelma vibes—gave me a lick, her sandpaper-like tongue swiping my hand.

I chuckled. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

I wish Olivia was here to witness this. My smile faded.

Louise nudged at Thelma, trying to get her head in between my hand and Thelma’s body. “Okay, okay.” I lifted my other hand, and began stroking them simultaneously. The rhythmic movement of my hands was surprisingly soothing.

“I don’t know what to do about Olivia,” I murmured.

Their large soulful eyes calmed me a little, but no answers were forthcoming.

With a sigh, I gave them a parting pat and continued on past the petting zoo. When I reached the corn fields, I blinked in amazement. The green corn shoots sprouting out of the earth seemed to have doubled in size since I’d seen them on Friday. Dana had been right about the weather causing a growth spurt.

I kept going, arriving at the flower fields, but all I could see was the image of Olivia’s gorgeous naked body splayed out on her yellow-and-white-daisy duvet, surrounded by even more flowers on the walls. I ran a hand through my hair. This walk was not helping matters at all. My nose itched. I’d also forgotten to take my antihistamines for the past few days.

I needed to talk things through with someone. Someone who was not a cow. And I needed to get away from the flowers.

I pulled out my phone. It was 8:30 a.m. With any luck, Matt would have just dropped Lottie off at school and be driving to work now. I dialed his number and began striding toward the apple orchard.

“Hi,” he answered, the noise of road traffic faint in the background.

I smiled. “Hi, how are you? Do you have time to talk?”

Matt cleared his throat. “Yep, I’m just on my way to work.” His voice sounded slightly rough.

I frowned. “Is everything okay?”

He sighed. “Yeah, I just had a stressful morning. Don’t know if you saw the news, but an army helicopter crashed near where Mel is stationed. Four casualties.”

My stomach turned heavy. “Shit, is she okay?” I’d been so caught up with my own worries that I hadn’t checked the news this morning.

“Yes, thank god. I just heard from her a few minutes ago, and she’s fine. But I spent the last two hours having breakfast with Lottie, getting her ready for school, and driving her there, trying to behave completely normally, all the while freaking out that it might have been Mel.”

My heart squeezed. “Oh my God, that must have been awful. I’m sorry, Matt.”

The rhythmic click of his turn signal sounded. “It was. I can’t wait until she’s home.”

I reached the apple orchards. Rows of apple trees, some already in bloom, stretched out before me. I inhaled the light sweet scent of the blossoms. The memory of Olivia’s floral scent hit me, its phantom molecules invading my nasal passages. Goddamnit. Guilt tugged at my chest as I realized I’d zoned out on the conversation with Matt. Focus.

“Any news on her application to come home early?”

“No. It’s not looking promising.” He cleared his throat again. “Anyway, how are you doing? You must be thrilled about Fred’s investment coming through.”

I smiled, walking between two rows of leafy green trees. “It’s a huge relief.”

“I was looking forward to celebrating with you at Mom and Dad’s on Sunday night, but Mom said you were feeling tired.”

“Yes. I was exhausted.” I took a deep breath and braced myself. Matt was the only person I spoke to about my personal life, but even with him it could be a struggle. “Olivia and I… well, we slept together on Friday night and spent the weekend together.”

Matt did a slow whistle. “Wow! So… are you together now?”

“No.” I stopped, inspecting a cluster of soft pink apple blossoms up close. “It was supposed to be a raincheck on the one-night stand we missed out on that night at Pryde—it turns out she never got my message—but then it just… kept going. I started to worry she wanted something more serious and I may have freaked out a little and rushed away.” I stabbed the toe of my shoe into the dirt.

There was a pause. “Are you sure it wasn’t because you wanted something more serious?”

My brow furrowed. “No. Of course not.”

“It’s just…” The turn signal sounded again. “Since you two started your fake-dating shenanigans, you’ve been the happiest I remember seeing you in a long time, even with all the stress of the farm. Your face lights up when you talk about her—and you talk about her a lot, by the way.”

A bee landed on an apple blossom, drinking its fill of nectar.

I swallowed. “We’re friends. That’s all.”

“Uh-huh. Friends who have been basically dating for weeks—bike rides, trivia nights, clothes shopping—and spent the whole weekend in bed?” Matt’s voice softened. “Look Roz, I understand why you’re wary about getting serious with her, after what happened with Sadie, but I can confidently say that Olivia isn’t Sadie, and you’re also not the person you were fifteen years ago.”

I pressed my lips together and kicked a rock down the row of apple trees. It hit a root and bounced behind a trunk, disappearing out of sight. It was true that I couldn’t imagineOlivia manipulating and gaslighting me and, in the unlikely event she did, I’d be much better equipped to identify it and extricate myself quickly. But that wasn’t all I was worried about.

“Even if there’s no love-bombing involved, what if it’s all just infatuation, and Olivia wakes up one morning and realizes she’s not into me after all? Or I wake up and realize the same?” Pain stabbed my chest as it tightened. I couldn’t go through that all again.

“It could be infatuation, or it could be genuine, very strong attraction. If you pursue the relationship, you’ll work it out one way or another soon enough. Either the attraction will grow, or the infatuation will fade away. Does it really make sense to stop a relationship because you’re worried you might be into her too much?”

I frowned. “The farm is at a critical point right now. I can’t let myself get distracted by a real relationship. A fake relationship was hard enough. Not to mention there’s an eleven-year age gap. We’re at different stages of life. She still hasn’t even told her family or friends that she’s queer.”

“Okay, now it feels like you’re just grasping at straws. If you’re worried about the farm, then just take things slow with her. But from what you’ve said, she’s actually been a huge help with the farm so far. And on the age gap, if she was twenty, I’d be more worried. But she’s in her thirties and has her shit together. Don’t kid yourself that you’re much more mature than her.” There was a pause and then Matt yelled, “You idiot!”

I did a double-take, my brow furrowing. “That’s a bit harsh.”

Matt laughed. “Sorry, that wasn’t directed at you. Someone just cut me off. Look, I’m nearly at work, but please don’t dismiss the idea of dating out of hand. I really think it could be good for you.”

My neck prickled. “I don’t even know what she wants. She might think the whole thing was a huge mistake.”

“Well, you’ll only find out if you talk to her.” The turn signal clicked again. “Sorry Roz, I’ve just arrived. I’d better go. I’m already a few minutes late. But I can talk later tonight if you want.”

“Thanks. I’m so glad Mel is okay. Tell her I said hi and to stay safe.”

I hung up with Matt and turned toward the farmhouse, making my way back through the orchard.

I passed a low branch full of blossoms. The image of me trailing my mouth slowly down Olivia’s delicate neck to her collarbone, drinking in her faintly floral scent, slammed into me, leaving me slightly winded and full of desire. Goddamn, I wanted her. And I missed her.

I groaned. As I’d said to Matt, I didn’t know what Olivia wanted.

I stepped out of the orchard and back onto the dirt road. The domestic bliss of the weekend—cooking and eating together, watching movies together—had fueled my assumption Olivia wanted a serious relationship. But we were also friends. And those activities were also things that friends did. I bit my lip. Was there a chance we’d unwittingly fallen into a friends-with-benefits situation?

My step lightened. That could be the answer. We could still hang out together, still sleep together, just without the risk of our hearts being broken. If we went into it knowing it wasn’t going to last, that it wasn’t anything serious, surely we’d be more prepared when it ended, right? It wouldn’t need to be for long, just until the infatuation we were feeling wore off. And then we could drop the benefits bit and return to just being friends.