Page 15

IRIAN

In the early hours of Christmas Day, after the disappointment of Christmas Eve, I had dragged myself back to the dormitory where I stayed mainly to avoid Marius, but also so I could move freely around the compound. Usually that meant slipping across to Tal’s house and hanging out there...

This year… I squeezed my eyes tight to stop the tears trickling out, and I buried my face in my pillow. There was a pain in my chest, a hard block of concrete that threatened to crush me. I could barely breathe and my throat was constricted from trying to hold in my feelings. And yet, I felt empty. It was a strange kind of dissonance, feeling so full of emotion and yet so empty at the same time.

After a long, sad time, I drifted off into a half-sleep. I heard the sounds of excited pups in the distance and pulled the thick fabric of the coverlet over my ears.

I heard the squeals and laughter of the young shifters as they played their games in the courtyard and huddled further under the covers.

I heard the sound of my heart breaking and pretended I didn’t.

◆◆◆

A hand shook me roughly awake. I grumbled.

“Leave me alone. I’m sleeping.”

“Not anymore, you’re not.”

“I should be,” I muttered, squirreling my way deeper under the covers.

A blast of cool air hit me. This annoying person had tossed the covers off me! I shivered. It wasn’t really cold, it was summer after all, but I felt exposed.

I felt the weight of Darius’ hand on my shoulder again. “Come on,” he said, more gently. “It’s time for lunch.”

“I don’t want any,” I sulked, smothering myself with my pillow.

“You have to. Everyone has to go to Christmas lunch. Alpha expects it.”

It was on the tip of my tongue to say Well, he’s not my Alpha when I realized this was just plain childish and wasn’t going to get me anywhere.

Reluctantly, I sat up. Darius’ green eyes watched me, looking compassionate and concerned. I hated it. I hated that he could see straight through me. He knew why I was hurting.

Softly, he said, “I don’t know why he’s not here, Irian. I don’t know what’s going on, but I do know, if he’s not here, it’s not by his choice.”

I hid my sniff with a fake cough but said nothing. Then surprisingly, Darius’ lips twitched and one side of his mouth quirked up. He tried to stop the snigger coming out, but I heard it anyway.

“What?” I glared at him.

Now his smile stretched across his whole face. He raised a finger to the side of his mouth in a rubbing motion and nodded towards me. Cautiously I raised my hand and rubbed my index finger along the corners of my mouth, and to my absolute disgust and embarrassment, found a line of dried spittle there.

I pointed my finger at him and glared. “Don’t say anything!”

He shrugged, still smirking. “I’ll wait for you outside. If you’re not out in five minutes, I’m coming in to get you.”

With that, he was gone, and I was left alone in the dorm. Everyone else was long gone from there, and the silence was a cocoon, a shelter I’d have to leave any minute. A slow stream of air passed my lips in a resigned hiss as I sat up. Hurriedly throwing on some fresh clothes, I dashed to the bathroom to wipe the drool from my face and fix my bedhair, then rushed outside before Darius embarrassed me further by dragging me out.

The young alpha was leaning casually against the wall and pushed himself off when he saw me. The bastard was smirking.

“C’mon,” he put an arm around my shoulders, and gave me a little shake. “Me ‘n the boys’ll look after you.”

It was kind of him, but it wasn’t going to make up for Talius not being there. I’d been eager to see where we stood now that he’d passed his majority and I was starting mine. Would our relationship have changed too?

People swarmed around the food hall. Several of the younger kids were running around the room, plastic airplanes in their outstretched hands, mock battles taking place in the air. Others were jumping up and down, pestering the adults. Betas and older omegas moved around bringing out steaming plates of festive food as everyone gathered. Alpha, the Alpha Mate and my parents were already seated at the table. Marius and his sister were too, but suddenly I was surrounded by a rambunctious bunch of newly majored alphas – Talius’ friends – who literally swallowed me up into their vociferous group. No-one else could get near me or was able to speak to me, and before I knew it, they’d carried me along with them and I was seated in the middle of their group, actively engaged in their talk.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mar – now Marius – scowling, an empty seat beside him. I shuddered, feeling frighteningly vulnerable without Talius there to support me, then my eyes fell on his friends gathered around me, and I realized they had taken on his role in his absence. A lump formed in my throat, and I blinked a few times. This was what it was like to be pack.

At least I got my venison this year, though I didn’t miss Marius’ eyes shooting daggers at me as I helped myself to the steaming meat.

Christmas came and went. Worst Christmas ever.

◆◆◆

The following week passed. The alphas rallied around me, so it was next to impossible for Marius to get time alone with me. Since he wasn’t friends with the group, he didn’t join us for any hanging out time. He often prowled past us scowling, but the boys swallowed me up into their group and he never got the chance to speak to me.

When the boys were summoned and given tasks to perform as part of their new status in the pack, I made myself scarce, hiding out in the woods behind the pack compound, or playing hide-and-squeak with the younger pups. But my heart wasn’t in it. I went through the motions of engaging with the others, but there was a quiet dead place inside me that felt like it would always be empty.

I had to get through another week without letting Marius corner me and I’d be free. Not fine, just free. I tried not to think about Talius not being here to see me. I thought of Darius’ words, and I wished they were true, but I didn’t want to delude myself. Pretty sure he knew I’d be here, and his absence sent a clear message. It felt like a kick in the gut, but I was determined not to show it.

I couldn’t wait to go home and lick my wounds in private.

I thought about next year and wondered how many of the alphas would still be here… they were at an age where they could leave and start their own packs if they were brave enough, though they were still too young to take mates. But there were always packs that had lost their Alpha that would happily accept a new young Alpha as their leader, and plenty of unattached betas that would jump at the chance to be part of the formation of a new pack, even with an untried, untested Alpha.

Maybe Talius had already left to join or form his own pack. Maybe that was why he wasn’t here. He was supposed to be here now, but he hadn’t come back after camp. Would he really just leave without saying goodbye to everyone?

It wounded me to think he’d left without me. It hurt to breathe.

Goddess, I just wanted to get out of here, go home, be alone.

But there was one more obligation I hadn't considered. Under other circumstances I would have welcomed it. I should have guessed it was coming, but I was so caught up being miserable that I'd failed to notice the way my blood was starting to stir. The full moon was calling to the wolves.

"We'll be attending the pack run tomorrow night," my dad informed me, one evening sticking his head into the dormitory."The whole pack is running. That includes you," he added, in case there was any doubt. "It'll be good for you to experience one."

"Sure," I muttered listlessly from my bunk, pulling the covers over my head. I'd always wanted to go on a pack run, but tonight I couldn't bring myself to care.

◆◆◆

The excitement was palpable.

Wolves and people had gathered in the courtyard, where the atmosphere was one of barely contained anticipation. Because the entire compound was surrounded by trees and was isolated, there was no need to wait to get into the forest to shift. I'd always assumed these events would be chaotic, but it was all very organized, notwithstanding the pent-up energy everywhere around me. No clothes scattered on the ground, nor shoes left lying around. Everyone undressed in their homes and entered the compound either naked or already shifted.

When everyone had assembled, Alpha Moray addressed the restless pack.

"We have guests running with us tonight, Alphas Mensen and their son, so I expect a respectful run from everyone. As I always do. There will be refreshments served in the hall afterwards as usual. We are expecting some cloud cover tonight, so keep your little ones close. Now, let's go!"

One moment it was an older, slightly portly man standing on his porch in front of the crowd, and the next a mighty timber wolf stood before us. His coat was a blend of grey and brown, and the fur under his chin was beige, with tufts of the same color peeking out from under his belly. A large bushy tail swept the ground behind him, its black tip blending with the dark of the forest behind making it appear strangely stumpy.

A deep howl reverberated around the compound as the Alpha signaled the start of the run. The enormous wolf leaped down, and raced away into the forest, his mate at his shoulder, my parents' wolves following close behind.

Those who hadn't yet shifted, did so, and howls of different tones and timbres broke out around the compound as the rest of the pack followed their leaders like a stream of fur in shades of brown, black, and grey slipping between the trees. There seemed no particular order in which to run - some family groups with small pups followed close after the leaders, othersseemed to be waiting for the main group to leave.

The adolescents were still playing and leaping around each other in the compound, clearly in no hurry to join the pack.

A hand on my shoulder made me jump.

"Ready to go?" asked Darius, as he began his shift.

Mutely, I nodded. And shifted. Moments later, paws thudding over the dry ground, I headed off with the last of the pack into the shadowy depths of the forest.

Once among the trees, the silvery light of the moon landed on our coats in dappled patches that seemed to seethe and writhe as our muscles flexed beneath our coats. It was magical and despite myself, I began to enjoy this new experience.

Clearly, the young adults had purposely chosen to start late. Now, in the thrill of catching up, they streaked through the forest, gait smooth and even, nose to tail, noses extended, tails flat out behind them. I tried to keep up, the speed and night air making my eyes water, the forest blurring as we raced past. I concentrated on the tail immediately in front of me, disregarding the others, forcing my legs to move faster.

My paws and heart beat in a steady tattoo, the cool of the forest floor on my pads contrasting with the heat of my blood. The drumming of paws over the ground repeated in my head, over and over and over, as we relentlessly raced on. Breaths becoming more labored, sides beginning to heave, we caught up to the stragglers of the main pack, and the group began to disperse as we wove our way amongst the other wolves.

On and on we went, some of the wolves falling behind, the younger pups yipping as they were turned back by their parents, only the older and stronger ones continuing on. I lost sight of my friends, strange wolves I didn't recognize running with me now. On and on we went.

Dark shadows interspersed with patches of light as the moonlight trickled through the canopy. The occasional twig snapped underfoot. My tongue lolled, saliva dripping, and my sides heaved as I ran on, keeping pace with the wolves around me.

The group spread out more as we went deeper into the forest, until I was running on my own track, the shapes of other

wolves running parallel, disappearing and reappearing behind the tree trunks as they ran alongside but further away.

The night dulled as a wisp of cloud drifted across the moon, and for a moment it was as if I were alone, then my eyes adjusted and I saw the dark shapes of wolves moving though the forest around me.

We kept going; deeper, further, higher. The moon sailed free of the cloud and the leaves were silver and black again. Step after step after step, paws light over the ground. The moment I noticed the trees grew sparser at this elevation, was the instant when I realized there were scarcely any wolves around me. Then another cloud blanketed the moon and the forest fell into profound darkness.

My muzzle felt hot. The harsh raspy breaths pounded in my ears, blending with the thrumming of my blood in a confusing jumble. But it wasn't my breath. It was the exhale of a large alpha wolf which had appeared at my shoulder. Without slowing, I glanced sideways and... shock! Feral, bloodshot eyes glared back at me, and a hard bump on my shoulder nudged me off track, pushing me in a different direction.

Marius! I recognized him by his scent. But it was not the Marius I knew... he was different. His wolf had possession of him, and I sensed there was more beast than man.

I tried to swing back on track, but his musclebound shoulder blocked me, forcing me further and further upwards. He was separating me from the pack! A small frisson of fear ran through me, the hairs on my neck and back rising.

He bumped me again, and I had no choice but to go, looking around for help, but he'd already separated us from the group. I spun and tried to double back, but with a snarl, the alpha lunged in front of me, cutting off my escape.

We faced off. The snarling alpha prowled forward menacingly. The scent of his arousal was heavy. I edged backwards. Fear skittered along my veins. He was so much larger than I, and feral with his lust. This wasn't Marius anymore, his wolf had full control of him, and it seemed the adrenaline and excitement of the run had pushed him into a rut. He couldn't make a permanent union with me, because of my age, but... he could do other things.

I snarled, lips curling. I wasn't going to let him. He'd have to kill me first.

I backed up until I felt the cold, rough bark of a tree behind me.I hunched in on myself, apparently giving up. The alpha advanced on me, nostrils flaring, mucosae red. His cock had emerged from its sheath.

I pressed my hind paws into the trunk, and exploded into his neck, grabbing for his throat. I got a mouthful of fur instead, and he barely staggered, but his eyes went wide with surprise. I could run... or I could... I launched myself at him again, driving him backwards more from confusion than anything else. I didn't have enough body weight for a real chance of beating him. But he hadn't expected me to fight back. I was an omega. But I wasn't just any omega. I wasn't going to lay down and give up. I threw myself at him again, snapping and snarling.

He shook his head and I saw the moment the ripple went through his hind quarters. I tensed, readying myself to withstand the attack...

...he staggered sideways as a black wolf barreled into his flank, knocking him off his feet. It was Darius. He pressed his attack and ground Marius' wolf into the dirt, standing menacingly over him, jaws near his throat but not biting. A low growl rumbled from his throat.

The other wolf didn't move. He lay there snarling softly. Then he quietened. He seemed to shrink a little, and I realized the moment had passed. Marius was back in control of his wolf.

Darius seemed to recognize this too. He let go and backed away cautiously, eyes steady on the other wolf, muscles quivering, ready to explode if necessary.

Marius' wolf stood up and shook himself, tale slapping against his flanks. He looked embarrassed, if a wolf could look that way, bowed his head, and turning, disappeared amongst the trees.

Darius' wolf watched him go, and then with a flick of his muzzle indicated we should rejoin the pack. We stayed close together as he threaded his way though the trees. The scent of the pack was enough to guide us and when we found them, they were milling around in an open area high up on the mountain. Therun had finished. As the last stragglers arrived, we lifted our muzzles to the moon, the howls echoing eerily around the mountains.

A few couples slunk off into the night, but the remainder of the pack headed back down the mountain together. When we'd shifted and dressed, and I was enjoying the feast along with my friends, I stepped up close to Darius. "Thanks, Darius."

He nodded. "You're welcome. These things happen. Runs sometimes get out of hand. You shouldn't have been left on your own."

I thought about the time Talius had inadvertently shifted, and realized it was true. Sometimes the wolf biology took over. Adolescent alphas could be dangerous, but my brother from the pack had taken care of things. Another reason to appreciate a pack - you were never truly alone.

"What happened?" asked Lucius, eyebrows raised.

"Nothing," I replied. It wasn't really Marius' fault, and I didn't want him to be blamed. He already had enough trouble getting respect from his future pack.

The guys let it go when they saw I didn't want to talk about it. Darius might have filled them in later, but I wasn't going to be the one to do it.

I didn't really feel safe sleeping in the dorm any more though. Talius wasn't around, and who knew if Marius might become a little more predatory.

I spent the night in the forest as my wolf, pacing though the wilderness until I found a cave. It was small and protected. I made it into a den and I curled up tight inside. The longer hairs of my bushy tail rose with each breath, falling back softly onto my nose. The rhythm was gently soothing. I focused on it, ignoring the uncomfortable feelings in my heart, and the lingering fear from the run. Eventually it lulled me to sleep.

I spent all the remaining nights of the holidays there, slinking back to my bunk only as dawn lightened the sky.

◆◆◆

“Pack your bags, Irian, we’ll be heading home this afternoon,” my mother’s head appeared in the doorway of the dormitory. From where I lay under the covers of my top bunk, her voice was muffled. Surely, I’d misheard?

The sheets fell away as I sat up in bed, blinking the sleep from my eyes.

“We don’t usually go home before the last weekend of holidays!” I observed, groggily. “Did something happen?”

“No. Just leaving today, is all. Pack your own things and leave the rest. The pack will clean up.” And then she was gone.

I wasn’t going to be difficult. Goddess knew I just wanted to get out of here. It was going to be a relief to leave. As much as I appreciated the way the alphas had kept me company and tried to include me in their activities, it was an effort to keep up the facade and pretend I wasn’t breaking inside. I really, really, just wanted to be alone, where I could collapse in private, and afterwards maybe scrape myself together.

Dispiritedly, I shoved my few belongings into my bag. The zip rasped home with finality and I sucked in a deep breath as I straightened up.

How best to spend my last few hours here? I didn’t feel like playing. I might as well go and say my farewells to the alphas before they got sent on some errand or something. I didn’t doubt when it came to leave there’d only be Marius and his family around to bid us farewell.

“We’re leaving today,” I told them as I joined them under the old tree. A few pairs of eyebrows raised.

“That’s early isn’t it? Don’t you normally stay to the end of the holidays?”

A firm hand grasped my shoulder and squeezed it.

“I’m sorry it didn’t work out this year,” Darius whispered in my ear. “But he’ll be sorry he missed you.”

I shrugged. I wasn’t in the mood to argue with an alpha, but I thought it seemed fairly clear to me. Talius wasn’t here because he didn’t want to be.

“Guys, move in,” Lin growled warningly. Marius was making his way over the dusty ground towards where we were standing under the tree. The alphas pretended not to see him, but they clustered around me, making sure I was at the center of the group. Since I was an omega, I was a lot shorter than they were, and this tactic virtually ensured I was out of sight.

But not necessarily out of scent… unless the adolescent pheromones all around me were enough to cover my omega scent. I held my breathe, waiting.

The sound of a very obvious sniff suggested Marius was checking to see if I was there.

Concentrating on remaining inconspicuous, it was hard to know what caused the disruption that had started over near the packhouses. The alphas were shielding me from Marius, but that also meant I couldn’t see and the distant exclamations and shouts were muffled. I wanted to know what was going on.

One by one, the guys, who had been chatting animatedly as they pretended not to notice Marius, ceased their conversations, turning to look in the direction of the commotion. The alphas obstructed my view of… whatever. Didn’t they know I’d want to see? I jumped up and down a couple of times but still couldn’t see over their bulk and height. It was frustrating as hell. Something was happening.

A hush had fallen across the entire courtyard. The sounds of play had ceased. No more murmured conversations. Nor running feet. Magpies called to each other in the trees, oblivious to whatever was happening below, but then they fell silent too.

Feet shuffled, dust stirring, as the alphas stepped back, leaving a space around me.

My breath caught.

The scent of wolf caught my nostrils. But not just any wolf.

And there he was: a lone creature limping his way across the dirt towards us. His grey fur was scruffy, clumps had been torn out of it, and a large gash glared ugly and red across the top of one shoulder. Nevertheless, the wolf was unmistakable.

It was Talius.

He paused, scented the air. His head turned slowly and his eyes latched onto mine. In his wolf form, they were as dazzlingly blue as when he was human but the rest of him looked exhausted.

I stumbled forward, falling to my knees in front of him, little clouds of dry dust puffing out from underneath me. The shaggy head lowered, resting against my forehead, and we breathed together. I winced, hearing the way the air gurgled wetly as it made its way through his air passages. He swayed slightly, breaking contact, then turned towards his house and moved towards it, his steps slow and deliberate. I didn’t need him to look back, to know to follow him.

He walked so slowly and looked so unsteady on his feet, I feared he wouldn’t make the distance. And though I wanted to help him, I just followed after him. There was a proud alpha underneath that gentle exterior. He wouldn’t want to display weakness in front of his friends. Not that it was a weakness to accept help when it was needed. But I knew him well enough to guess at his preferences and honor them.

At his front door, I hurried ahead to open it rather than have him squeeze his wounded body through the hard vinyl of the wolf-door. Once inside, he turned to the right and padded slowly up the corridor to his bedroom. His paws made barely any sound on the timber floor, except for the scraping of one hindleg that he seemed to be dragging.

“Wait!” I told him. Hurrying past him into the room, I dragged the mattress to the floor, the covers mostly coming with it, trailing off the bed and half onto the ground.

A deep weariness dulled the blue eyes, and the sclera was bloodshot. I didn’t have much experience reading wolf’s eyes, but I knew my alpha, and the expression in those depths was a blend of exhaustion, relief and gratitude.

His foreleg half-collapsed but he straightened it and staggered onto the mattress as the weak hindleg also began to buckle. He stood there swaying precariously, then half-lowered half-collapsed in a heap. A soft sigh eased into the stillness of the room, as he curled up nose to tail, eyes closed.

Since it appeared he was going to stay in wolf form, I ripped off my clothes, tossing them haphazardly on the floor, and shifted.

My wolf, unable to take up its traditional submissive position against his belly, pressed itself against his back, and laid its head over his haunches. Golden brown fur interlaced with the various shades of grey of the larger wolf. My wolf, unsure of what had happened but comforted to be back with his alpha, snuggled in closer. Before long, deep gurgling snores reverberated around the room. I huffed in relief. Whatever had happened, he’d made it home and he would heal while he slept. Moments later, I drifted off myself.

It wasn’t until sometime in the night, that Talius stirred. I’d been awake for a while. I'd moved during the night, and now my head was resting over his lower ribs. But even half-asleep I'd been aware enough to keep away from his wound. It had mostly healed now anyway, just a pale pink line running down the grey skin. By morning the fur would have grown back and it wouldn’t even be noticeable. Such was the magic of shifter physiology. I wondered what had happened to him.

When I realized the lack of light trickling into the room meant the day was over, it puzzled me that no-one had come to haul me out of here for the trip home. I vaguely remembered raised voices from elsewhere in the house, but with the warmth of Talius’ wolf against mine, and his pheromones wrapping around me like a snug blanket, I’d drifted straight back off again into the most comfortable sleep I’d had in weeks.

Beside me, a sharp expulsion of air told me Talius was awake. He slowly and stiffly rose onto four legs and shook himself, tail slapping, the long hairs of his coat whipping through the air. When he leaned over, pressing his muzzle against the soft place behind my ear where the hairs were sparse, I shivered. Warm air heated my skin as he huffed against the fine hairs and when he drew in a deep breath, scenting me, I was relieved to not hear the awful gurgling noises that I’d heard last night.

Silently he padded away, heading for the ensuite. Moments later he returned in human form, a towel around his waist, as he rummaged through the chest of drawers, pulling out sweatpants and a t-shirt which he took back with him, closing the bathroom door behind him.

As much as I loved the sight of the big strong alpha blushing, I took advantage of his absence to shift back and hurriedly pulled on yesterday’s clothes. Although I didn’t grow up amongst shifters, it didn’t bother me being naked around them. Unless we wanted to destroy our clothes each time we shifted, nakedness had to be accepted as part of life. But Talius was terribly discomfited anytime one of us was naked in front of the other. So for now I humored him. He’d be my alpha someday, and it would no longer matter.