Page 22 of The Duke and the Hellion Bride (Duchesses of Convenience #7)

Chapter Twenty-Two

M agnus was not a coward and for that reason he would not avoid his wife this morning. He might have liked to. After the previous evening, seeing her again was the last thing he wished to do. But this was his home, he was the master of it, and he would not skulk about with his tail between his legs like some whipped puppy.

Thus, he joined this wife to break his fast as was expected. There was no good excuse not to, and every reason that he should. Even if now things felt different. Even if now they were confused in ways that they shouldn’t be, he wasn’t at all surprised.

“Good morning,” he said simply as he strode into the breakfast room. Diana sat in her usual place at the table, while Josephine and Adeline sat to her left and across from her. “How is everyone feeling today?”

He wasn’t sure what reaction he was expecting from his wife, but all things considered, what she gave him was as good as he could have hoped for. She looked up when he spoke, did not smile or appear to even see him, then went back to her plate of food.

Magnus grimaced at the cold reception, but he powered through the awkwardness as he made for his own seat at the head of the table. When he sat down, Diana did not look up or even acknowledge him. She continued to focus on her plate of food, expressionless, a coldness seeping from her pours which was entirely justified.

“I slept well, in case anyone was wondering.” Magnus chose to pretend that all was well, while sure to not act too cheerful because he did not want to lure his wife into a sense of false expectation. “Girls? How did we sleep?” A quick glance at his wife, but still she gave him nothing.

What did you really expect? After how you treated her last night. The fact she isn’t attacking you with that knife should be hailed as a victory.

Even having spent a whole night thinking about it, Magnus could still not fully explain his actions last night. Nor could he explain how he was feeling this morning – the reason he did not take his wife by the hand, drag her away, and apologize profusely for being a downright fool who had made a mistake but would not make it again. That was because he could not say for sure if he would make it again.

Everything had been going so well too. Dare he say, perfectly.

For him, the moment of completeness came when he saw the viscountess badgering his wife and without delay, he stepped in to defend her honor. He saw how much it meant to Diana, and that made him swell because he felt in that moment that he and she finally had something real.

And then it all came crashing down.

It wasn’t the sex that did it. Rather, it was the implication. Her mentioning of an heir. The realization that from here on out there would be no going back. That he would not only be a husband but a father, a carer, someone who would be relied on from this day onwards.

The nightmares that he had swirled through his subconscious. The feelings of powerlessness, helplessness, those which he had been running from his entire life. Suddenly, he felt unworthy, as if he had somehow tricked Diana into sleeping with him. He had never thought of himself as husband material. He certainly wasn’t father material. But once they did the deed, it was as if he had no choice.

And so, he did as he has always done, he ran.

“Diana was saying we could play outside again,” Josephine said eagerly. “May we, Uncle? Pleeeease!”

“Did she now?” he tried to catch Diana’s eye, and still she did not look at him.

“She did!” little Adeline squealed.

“Oh, I do not see why not,” he pretended to sigh. “On one condition. That I may join you.”

“Really?!”

“Of course,” he said simply, not looking at his wife this time, feigning ignorance of her mood as if she might suddenly decide that she was the one acting strangely.

Did Magnus even want her to acknowledge what had happened last night? As he spoke the words that he knew she would want to hear, his stomach twisted itself into knots because they felt wrong to say. He had left her last night for a good reason, a reason he had not come to terms with, and continuing in this manner of loving family and dutiful husband grated his senses and made him feel like a fraud.

He knew what he needed to do. He just didn’t know if he could do it.

Nonetheless, despite his feelings of conflict, when the four of them were done breaking their fast, Magnus joined his nieces and Diana outside, determine to push through the feelings of doubt that plagued him, certain that if he spent more time with them all, if he reminded himself of why he had fallen for Diana in the first place, he would realize how foolish he was being.

If only it was that simple.

First of all, Diana was clearly furious with him, and there was nothing in the way that she behaved that morning to suggest things were going to change. She avoided him as if he was the plague, refusing to say so much as a word, even when he spoke to her directly. The girls ran about chasing one another, Diana acted as a monster as she followed them, and Magnus could not find the enthusiasm to try and involve himself as he knew he should.

All he needed to do was apologize. Magnus knew that. But again, it felt as if she would know that he was saying the words without meaning them and as silly as it sounded, he felt he owed her more than that.

The second problem was that Diana and his feelings for her weren’t the cause of this calamity. He had real feelings for her. Dammit, Magnus was on the precipice of admitting that he loved her. And that was the problem.

For all of his life, he had been on his own, and there was good reason for that. His childhood and those memories which haunted him. Feelings of weakness and powerlessness, never feeling good enough for another, unable to protect those he loved because he couldn’t protect himself. He was not worthy and as he watched Diana chase the girls, laughing and shouting with joy with them, he knew that to try and force this or pretend it was not an issue would only hurt Diana more than he already had.

“Oh, I have just remembered something,” he said suddenly, an idea coming to mind. “Girls, Diana...” He called out, edging to where they chased one another around the oak tree. “I hate to leave the three of you, but I am afraid I must.”

“Where are you going?” Josephine asked.

He looked at Diana, hoping she would ask the same question. But she crossed her arms and looked away and his heart sank.

“Your great-grandmother's,” he said. “There is something I’ve been meaning to speak with her on, and I completely forgot that I promised I would see her today. Diana...” He looked at her hopefully. “Will you be fine with the girls for the rest of the day?”

If it was not for the two girls watching her, he knew she would have said nothing. Indeed, she very much might have liked to.

“It is fine,” she said simply. “Go.”

The way she said ‘Go,’ was like an arrow shooting right into his heart. He winced and curled back, a forced smile so the girls would not see, and he turned and waded back across the garden.

As he reached the edges, he dared a final glance at his wife. He watched her chase the girls, he smiled as he did, knowing that he did indeed love her and that he wanted to build a life with her. He just didn’t know if he could.

Out of options, needing answers, there was one person in this world who he knew could give them. And so, he left his manor, climbed atop his horse, and set it in that direction.

With any luck, come nightfall, all this would be nothing more than a bad memory.

* * *

It shouldn’t have surprised Magnus that his grandmother seemed to expect him when he arrived randomly upon her doorstep. She didn’t ask what he was doing. She didn’t ask if everything was alright, or if something was wrong. Rather, she invited him to join her in the sitting room, where a saucer of tea had already been served.

“Tea?” she asked as she sat down.

“I’m good, thank you.”

“Somehow, I doubt that.” She indicated to one of the servants, who was quick to pour two cups. “And believe me when I tell you, there is little that tea cannot solve. Now, Magnus, do not make me ask you again.” She raised an eyebrow at him, one that warranted no argument.

He sighed and picked up the cup, taking a sip. As expected, it did not solve all his woes.

“There, how was it?”

“Bitter,” he said, putting the saucer down.

She chuckled. “I suppose it is not for everyone.” She took a small sip and smacked her lips. “I do worry, however, if tea cannot cure what ails you, then something must surely be wrong.”

“I am surprised you do not already know the answer,”

“I have my suspicions,” she said. “But I do not like to pry.”

He snorted. “Grandmother, lies do not become us.”

“And what does that mean?”

“Do you mean to tell me that you and my wife didn’t have a wonderful little chat last week, concerning my... well, my entire past?”

“Oh, that.” Her eyes flashed mischief. “I might have mentioned a tidbit of our family history. But nothing concerning, I assure you.”

He groaned. “I suspected as much.”

“Is that why you’re here? To thank me?”

“Thank you!”

“Oh, please.” She took another sip and put the saucer down. Then she fixed him with a no-nonsense expression. “I may have missed the Truscott Ball last evening, but I have ears everywhere, Magnus. Ears that listened, eyes that saw, and mouths which told of a happy couple that to the perception of the ton , were in the throes of what could only be described as a budding romance and a happy marriage. Tell me I am wrong.”

“Spying on me, I see.”

She winked. “And everyone else, while I am at it.”

Magnus hadn’t known for fact that his grandmother had told Diana about his past, but he had suspected it. And where it might have angered him, surely a few weeks ago it would have enraged him, he was wont to admit that this time it was perhaps the correct course of action. He could certainly never have opened himself up and told Diana what he knew she wished to hear, so why not hear it from another? Further to that point, for a time at least, it had produced the required results, bringing him and Diana closer together.

Now, ironically enough, that was also the problem.

“For once, the rumors are correct,” he sighed. “Diana and I... we have never been happier.”

His grandmother smiled. “I suspected as much.”

“And therein lies the problem. You might have noticed that I am not beaming as if the sun shone from my rearend? Surely, you wonder why that is.”

She shrugged. “Not particularly. In fact, I am surprised it took you this long to come see me. After I heard tell of how happy the two of you were together last night, I half expected you to come knocking at my door any time after midnight. You are tardy, Magnus.”

His face dropped. “What does that mean? You expected it? Expected what?!”

“The reason you are here.”

“You do not know why I am here!”

She looked at him flatly. “Do not insult my intelligence, boy. How well do I know you?”

“Well enough to know that calling me boy is something you should avoid.”

She waved him down. “Might I warrant a guess as to why you are here? Or do you plan on beating your chest for a while longer?”

“Go on then.” He curled his lip. “Have at it.”

His grandmother picked up her cup and had another sip. And then another. Then she placed the saucer back down and folded her hands on her knees, studying Magnus for a moment. All done, of course, for dramatic effect.

“For the first time in your life, Magnus, you are happy – and do not say otherwise. You are happy and that thought terrifies you. It terrifies you so much that the mere concept of exploring this happiness, of daring to let yourself be taken by it, has you wanting to turn tail and flee lest you prove once and for all that you are just like everybody else, your life is no more miserable or downtrodden, and all these years you have spent feeling sorry for yourself will thus have been for nothing.” She cocked an eyebrow and smirked. “There. How did I do?”

Magnus’ face dropped. “That is... you could not be more... it is a nice guess, but far from --”

“I am not going to warrant a guess at what the sudden cause of this panic was,” she spoke over him, a smile behind her eyes as if she knew the answer. “But I would say it occurred to you last night that you are beginning to fall for your wife. Hmm?” She looked at him and he grimaced. She nodded and continued. “You realized suddenly that this marriage is very much real, and you fear that you are not ready – that you are not man enough for such a thing.”

“I never said I wasn’t man enough...” he mumbled with embarrassment.

She sighed and looked at him softly. “You are not your past, Magnus. As I have told you so many times, your childhood was horrid, and I wish to God that it did not happen as it did. Sadly, there is no changing the past, that is impossible. At most, we can put it behind us and --”

“But how can I do such a thing?” he cut her off, desperation in his voice. “It is easy to say but harder to do. What if I am not ready ?”

She rolled her eyes. “The fact that you are here right now is proof that you are.”

He frowned. “What does that mean?”

“It means you not turning your eye to your problems, as you have so often done in the past. No man is truly ready for marriage.” She snorted. “I don’t think a man exists that is. Most, however, are too stubborn to admit it, refusing to back down as if they need to prove themselves. The very idea that they might struggle is beyond their thinking and they would happily burn their marriage to the ground then stop and think.”

“And if they have already burned it to the ground?”

“I doubt it is that bad.”

“It is worse.”

His grandmother shuffled forward and rested a frail hand on his knee. “Your brother’s death was not your fault.”

“Grandmother...”

“Your father’s death was not your fault. Even running to the Americas as you did, it was not your fault – nor was it a bad thing to do. It proved that you have what it takes to be more than what your father wished for you, that you are your own man, and that nobody, anywhere, can tell you what to do. Is that not enough to prove how far you have come since boyhood?”

“Apparently not.”

“May I ask you a question, Magnus? And please, do an old chook like me the service of not lying.”

“Ask away,” he sighed.

“Do you love your wife?” She looked at him simply.

Magnus leaned back. “I... I mean... she is very pretty and --”

“Do you love your wife?” she repeated.

Magnus wasn’t sure why he hesitated, for he knew the answer the second she asked the question. It had been hovering in his subconscious for days, fighting to get out, right there and ready for the taking, all he needed was the courage to snatch it and say it true.

He ran last night, not because he did not love Diana, but because he did. And he was here right now for the same reason.

“I do,” he said, feeling the words swell inside of him as if they had lit a fire. “I do love her.”

“And does she love you?”

He laughed bitterly. “Until last night, I think she just might have.”

“Then she still does,” his grandmother says. “Love does not leave us so quickly, and if she loves you as you love her, then I dare say, all this panic you are feeling is for nought.”

“But what if I cannot protect her? What if I fail? What if... what if I have been right about myself all along?” He felt the words crush him...

His grandmother continued to smile. “Then you are not the Duke of Albury who I have known for some thirty-three years. You are certainly not the Magnus whom I love. And you are not the man your brother admired from the first time he opened his eyes to the last time he closed them. And if that is the case...” She pulled her hand back. “You best leave, because I do not drink tea with strangers.”

Magnus laughed at that, unable to help himself. Her words buoyed him, revealing a truth he always knew but needed to hear spoken.

He felt like a fool. An idiot. A true dolt, for the way he had acted. A fear that was unnecessary. Panic, brought on by a lie. He loved Diana and that was all which mattered and now it was time to prove it.

“I need to go,” he said, standing up.

“I suspected as much.”

“Grandmother...” He shook his head and smiled. “Thank you for the tea.”

“I told you that tea solves everything. Now...” She waved her hand. “Go. And do not come back.”

And that was exactly what Magnus did. He fled his grandmother’s manor, jumped atop his horse, and rode at pace back toward his own home. All the while, his mind was fixed firmly on Diana and what he would say when he saw her. And all the while, his mind was fixed on what she would say when she heard his words.

The only fear he held now was that he might be too late. But no, surely not. This was love, and love did not die so easily.