Page 44 of The Dragon Wakes with Thunder (The Dragon Spirit Duology #2)

“She had these pet dogs that she used to bring with her everywhere. She loved them, probably more than she loves anyone. She’d feed them before she ate her own supper.

Her teachers all disapproved, of course, but against their wishes she trained them—until they could perform truly marvelous tricks.

Feats even humans couldn’t manage.” He smiled at an unknown memory, his expression far away.

“You love her,” I said, for it was plain to see.

His eyes cleared. He stretched out his legs, feigning tiredness. But I waited, not letting him evade the question. At last, he replied, “Yes.”

“Why do you never speak of her?”

He rolled his jaw. “It is a weakness,” he replied. “And it can be used against me. I am not so foolish as to wear my vulnerabilities on my sleeve.” And he had once cautioned me against doing the same.

His own brother had used this weakness against him.

“Yes,” he said, and I wondered if I had accidentally spoken aloud. “But Rea is safe from him, for now.”

“Do you think your brother was the one who had you poisoned, during the Spring Festival?”

Grimly, Lei nodded. “Zihuan had my father assassinated in a similar manner.”

I hadn’t even known his father was dead. Theirs was a strained relationship, and yet he was still his father. “I’m sorry.”

He shrugged. “Ours is a family only on paper.”

I watched him toy with the empty bottle, struck by how little he had.

Vilified by the official reports, treated as a demon in Anlai, and dismissed as a frivolous, empty-headed prince in Ximing.

Neglected by his family, hunted by his own brother.

And yet, despite it all, he cared more than I did.

He still believed the world was worth saving.

Compared to him, I had so much. I thought of Xiuying, Rouha, and Plum—my family, who had been kept from me for months. I’d seen them only for a few precious moments before fleeing Chuang Ning, and now there was a very real chance I would never see them again.

“I have a sister too,” I blurted out before I could stop myself. “Well, more than one.”

Lei’s eyes flickered like moonlight on water. “Did you visit them in Chuang Ning?”

“The Imperial Commander forbade me from seeing them. For over a year I didn’t see them.

” I clasped my arms around myself, thinking of how much I’d sacrificed in the palace.

I’d had no friends and no family in the Forbidden City—so that Sky had become my everything. And I had fostered that dependence.

“I saw them before I left the capital. Only for a few minutes, but…they’ve grown so much. I could hardly recognize Rouha and Plum.”

“You’ve grown too,” said Lei.

I returned his gaze. It was true; I wasn’t the same girl who’d fled my father’s house a year ago. I was more calloused, more scarred, more angry, more afraid. I had more to lose now.

I leaned back on my forearms, gazing up at the night sky. “When do children stop being children?” I asked.

“In war?” said Lei lazily. “Yesterday.”

At my lack of understanding, he said, “There’s no hope for children in times of war. You either grow up or become another casualty.”

I remembered Plum jumping into the ring of dragon dances, Rouha stuffing her face with mooncakes.

I thought of Lei’s sister, Rea, training her many dogs.

I imagined Ming Lei as a little boy, watching his mother’s beheaded corpse dragged in the dirt.

I recalled myself at eleven, covering my ears late at night to shut out my father’s violent tirades.

I remembered a bloated purple foot slipping free from the shroud, the last trace of my mother that I’d ever seen.

I thought of a young woman training late into the night, who’d believed it was courage and hard work that would make others recognize her.

She’d believed the world to be a fair and kind place.

“I want something better for them,” I said, thinking aloud. “I want a different sort of childhood for them. Not like the kind we had.”

Lei’s eyes bored into mine. When he spoke, his words sounded like an oath. “Then we make it happen.”

The bamboo leaves murmured in foreboding. In that moment, I missed my mother more than anything in the world.

I shook my head, drawing my knees into my chest. The world was broken, but so was I.

This was a job for someone else, another great warrior, or a hero that could be sung about in ballads to come.

It wasn’t a problem for someone like me, someone damaged, someone who couldn’t afford to care for others while my own life hung so precariously by a thread.

I had to be selfish. I had to save myself.

But how will I be remembered? a voice whispered in the back of my mind. Would history vilify me? Would they call me selfish? Would they ask why, when the world was falling apart, Hai Meilin stood by and did nothing?

It did not matter. Like my mother, I was running out of time.

“I-I can’t, Lei.” I didn’t know what he wanted from me, but I couldn’t take any more responsibility. “Don’t push me on this.”

He released a hard breath, which fogged in the cold air. To my surprise, he let it go. “I’ll take first watch. You should get some rest.”