Page 178 of The Dragon Queen Complete Series Collection
Chapter 177
I moved to the next person who was lying down on a stretcher, one of the many in the field hospital. My men were off discussing the rescue mission with the general, but I couldn’t just sit there and discuss things, not while looking out at the devastation of Castle Fast.
“Hello, I’m Pippin,” I said, the woman lying there eyeing me warily, and why not? I was moving forward, a bucket of clean water and a rag, ready to help clean the cuts and abrasions I could see on her body, but who put them there? We did. I forced myself to smile and then wrung out the rag. “I’m just going to clean the dirt from your cuts if that’s all right with you?”
I wasn’t sure what she was going to say. It felt like my role in all of this was writ clearly on my face, so I couldn’t understand it when she nodded. Thinking wouldn’t help the woman, though. I picked up her arm gently, internally wincing at the injury there, and then went to work cleaning the skin around it. Her hiss had me looking up, but she smiled nervously.
“Here’s me thinking it hurts before it actually does. My young ones do it all the time.” I followed her eyes reluctantly to where two small children were being seen by a healer. They didn’t seem too hurt, but what did I know of such things? “They scream bloody murder before I’ve even had a chance to clean their scrapes.” Her eyes met mine. “Thank you for helping, milady.”
“It’s the least I can do.” The words were squeezed out of a throat that was half closed up, my tone strange and strangled. Rather than get caught up in my own guilt, I nodded and continued my work, cleaning away dirt and blood until the hurts the healers would need to tend to were all plain on her skin. “Now, the healers will come by soon. Can I get you some water in the meantime?”
“That would be lovely,” the woman replied.
“I’ll return shortly with some then.”
Walking out of the field hospital was a blessing each time I did it. The air seemed clearer and so was my head, just for a moment. Then my mind would replay all the hurts, all the pains people endured, and I’d be forced forward again. Guilt was a hell of a motivator it appeared. I found a water skin and ensured it was mostly full before returning to the woman’s side.
“There you go.” I was a picture of cheerful calm, my mask firmly in place as I handed her the water skin. “I think you’ll be seen after the healer is finished looking over your children.”
“Thanks again, milady,” the woman said, taking the skin and then drinking down water greedily.
I felt guilty for not offering her some before this. Guilt for water, for harming her, harming her children, it felt like it was piling up on my shoulders as I hoisted the bucket up and then tossed it out onto the grass, only to walk over to the only working pump we’d found and then working the handle. Over and over, I lost myself in the repetitive motion. My arms burned from the effort. I’d grown soft living away from the pigs, that became clear the second time I did this, and I’d lost count of how many times thus far. I focussed my attention on the bucket, on it filling, rather than everything that was clamouring for my attention. That let the exhaustion in.
If I was tired and sore before we even reached Castle Fast, I was beyond weary now. A battle, a recovery, a healing, it would have all been enough to have me retreating to my bedroll and pulling a blanket over my head and sleeping for a week.
But I’d need to do that to the sound of people hurting.
Moans, cries, even a ragged scream that started and then trailed away, they were what jerked my attention back to the here and now. The bucket was as full as I could manage right now, so I bent down, my spine, my arms protesting, but I silenced them. This was my penance and I would?—
“What’re you doing?” Ged appeared before me like an apparition, a look of concern on his face. “I thought you were going to sleep.”
“I can’t.”
I tried to walk around him, bringing the bucket with me, but that was plucked from my grip and carried with too much ease. His strength had my teeth locking down, because it made me feel even weaker than before.
“Pippin, what are you doing?”
I didn’t answer him immediately, walking towards the hospital instead. The cool night air was breezing past and if I was shivering, so must everyone inside the hospital.
“We need blankets.” I turned to face him. “We have some, don’t we? In addition to what people brought with their bedrolls. Ged, you were working with the supply teams?—”
“Yes.”
He put the bucket down and that was wrong. That was not what we were doing. Certainly not this as his hands went to my jaw, his thumbs brushing against my cheeks. Not him staring down into my eyes, catching the moment the tears started to well there, proving the general right.
I was not made for war. One battle and that became clear. No vicious queen dragon defending her young, nor a brave warrior queen like Inara, I was just Pippin. Recklessly caught up in some kind of battle fever when the ballista were firing javelins at my men, my dragons. However, once it’d faded, I was left cold, empty and filled with regret. That’s what had me jerking away, staggering forward, going to grab the bucket from where Ged had set it down.
Stopping for even a second was a mistake. My body screamed at the effort it took to pick the bucket up, my head throbbing traitorously. It demanded rest, and I was just as determined to ignore it. We both lost in that moment because when I forced my feet to move, the sucking mud had me misjudging my steps. With a little yelp, I lurched forward, the bucket going flying, all the water splashing wide, right as I went crashing down.
I couldn’t hold back the tears when I face planted in the mud. The way my whole body vibrated with the shock of slapping down on the earth, the resulting wave of pain, it was all it took to break me. I jerked my head up, flashbacks of similar scenes, of sliding and falling over in the pig shit stained mud, hit me hard and that’s all it took to start me crying. One tear, another, they burned their way out of my eye sockets, even as I stifled my cries as I tried to claw myself upwards.
But there was a crucial difference to the time I slipped in the pig hut mud.
Ged was there, scooping me up and into his arms, even as I protested about the mess I was making of his uniform. I wanted to get back on my feet, to keep helping, and I said as much as he carried me over to the general’s tent. All the powerful men inside looked up when Ged entered.
“Majesty, Pippin has been helping the healers in the field hospital and has had a mishap.” My cheeks flushed bright red, only an awareness of how it would look keeping me from burying my face in Ged’s chest. “Permission to take her to get cleaned up.”
“There’s a lake not far from here,” Flynn offered. “Glacier spotted it on our way in, wanting to guarantee a water source so he and the other water dragons can keep the dragonfire on ice.”
“Then it appears our discussion is at an end for the night, gentlemen.” Draven got to his feet and drew closer. “Search flights will take place in the morning to try to see if we can find the hostages.”
“Majesty, you’ll need a guard detail if you’re going to leave the vicinity,” the general said between gritted teeth. “We are in enemy territory. If I could suggest?—”
“My wing will accompany me,” Draven replied. “They’ve kept me safe thus far. I’m sure they can keep the queen and me from harm. Sleep, gentlemen, because we will all be flying far and wide in the morning.”
“So, what happened to going to sleep?” Brom asked under his breath as soon as we got away from the tent.
“How could I rest…?” My voice trailed away as I looked over at the field hospital, still able to hear the sounds of people’s pain. “When people are hurting.”
“We have to rest,” Draven replied, “to ensure more aren’t hurt in the future.” He turned to Flynn. “Show us this lake. It’s going to be a very cold, very bitter bath, but one we all need.”
“Pippin, you’ve got to promise not to look when I get in the water,” Ged told me earnestly.
“Worried that your manhood will shrivel up and drop off?” Flynn said with a grin.
“You have to promise.” Ged set me on Cloudy’s saddle and then got on behind me. “Remember me how I really am.”
“You can look at me instead,” Flynn said. “I’m a grower and a shower.”
“Enough talk of each other’s penises.” Soren looked around with a scowl. “Here someone might hear you, and at the lake, I will, and I don’t want to. Anyway.” He pulled himself into Wraith’s saddle. “I’ve got both of you beat.”
They had seduced me with kind words and sensuous caresses before, but never with ribald jokes. I shook my head as I smiled despite myself. What had happened today still weighed on my heart, but for now, it could coexist with a feeling that despite it all, we still had each other.
“Show me this lake,” I said finally, noting that I had all of their attention. “The waters could be as cold as a witch’s tit, but being clean would be better than I am right now.”
“You heard my queen,” Draven said. “Show us the way.”