Page 13

Gavin

“G et in the tub, Gavin.” I shook my head. He was refusing to look at the porn they were playing, because if he did, his secret would be out, too. He was watching me, though. They all were. “Get in,” the pastor said again. He rarely spoke when they were all there. They were crowding me toward the metal tub, and I let out a sob.

I stepped one foot through the ice that floated in layers at the top of the water. My leg ached almost instantly. I tried to tell myself that there were people who did it on purpose. That ice baths were used at spas and people did the polar plunge for fun. It didn’t stop the tear from slipping out as I stepped my other foot into the tub.

At least on those days I didn’t have to worry about getting hard from watching the shit they were showing me. I was pretty sure my genitalia retreated completely into my body. I was already shivering and I looked at him. Please do something. Please speak up this time. Please don’t make me do this again. He didn’t say anything, though. He just looked at me.

“ Sit, Gavin.” My eyes flicked to the man who was speaking. I knew they would push me down if I didn’t. They’d pushed me in the first time, and that had been the worst. I’d struggled so hard I’d gone under completely when I fell, which made me panic, inhale the icy water, and feel like I was drowning while I still fought their hands as they tried to pull my head out of the water because I didn’t know what they were trying to do.

I slowly sank down into the icy water, whimpering as another tear slipped out. It was so cold it hurt. It hurt so bad. I wasn’t sure if the heat or cold was worse. “Look at the screen.” I drew my knees up to my chest, trying to warm myself even though I knew it was impossible. I wondered if I could lose my fingers or toes from frostbite sitting in there. Hell, maybe I’d lose my dick, too, then no one would have to worry about what I was doing with it.

I obeyed and looked at the screen as he stepped toward me, preparing to force me if I didn’t comply. I didn’t want any hands on me. My skin was prickling and tingling. “Is that what you want?” he asked me, “You want another man’s hands on you? You want him touching you in all those private places?”

I glanced at him after he spoke, where he stood expressionless by the tub staring down at me. Yes. “No.”

He looked at me long and hard, like he could read minds or something. It was too long, because my body was aching. I was shivering and I was pretty sure I was still crying, but even my face felt numb. All I could feel was pain. Nothing else. Please believe me. Please just let me up .

He leaned toward me. “You’re lying to me, aren’t you, Gavin? You’re lying to me and to God. You want a man to put himself in your filthiest place. You want the abomination those men are creating on that screen. Even after all we’ve done to try to help you.”

My teeth were chattering. “I’m n…n…not l…l…lying.” I glanced back up at him. Please fucking help me. Please, I’m going to die in the tub this time. But the other two noticed me look.

The pastor straightened and looked back at him . “Do you have something you’d like to add?”

He started to shake his head and my heart dropped, again. But then, for the first time, he spoke up. “I think he’s telling the truth. He’s going to get frostbite if you leave him in there too long, and then it will be a trip to the hospital…” He let the last words hang.

The man in front of me let out a frustrated sound. “Get out of the tub.”

I grabbed the edge and clambered out clumsily, since my body was numb. They didn’t even give me a towel right away. I just stood there in the middle of them naked, shivering, and crying.

“How do you feel right now, Gavin?”

“Cold. It hurts.”

He nodded. “How do you feel about what you see on the screen?”

“I feel pain.” It’s what he wanted to hear.

He threw a ragged towel at me. “Get dressed.” They stayed there facing me while I attempted to dry off the best I could and pulled the clothes they provided back on.

He stepped forward to walk me back to my room, but the pastor stopped him. “No. I’ll walk him today.” The pastor gripped my tingling arm hard enough that I whimpered. I noticed his eyes darken slightly at that, but he remained silent. The pastor pulled me out of the room and walked me down the hall, hand still holding my arm too tightly.

“I see the way you look at him,” he hissed, “Don’t think I haven’t noticed. And he has a soft spot for you.” I wasn’t sure I’d call it soft , exactly . “I see you play to his empathy. But you aren’t going to use your wiles to get out of this. It won’t work here. You may have poisoned others, but you will not poison this place. Your curse will not ruin this. You aren’t fooling anyone, Gavin. I can see that it isn’t working, and if I have to double down on my efforts to get this demon out of you, then so be it. My time is limited, but I’m going to use it more wisely from here on out.”

I just stumbled along as he dragged me, trying not to break down in tears again. I couldn’t take more. I couldn’t handle it getting any worse. It was already too much. I’d been to my breaking point more than once.

He shoved me into my room. “You better prepare for tomorrow’s session, boy. I’m curing you before you leave here, one way or another.” He slammed the door behind him. It was cold in my room. The thin blanket they’d given me wasn’t enough on a good day, but my body was still damp, and I was freezing. I curled up against the wall, fearing the next day while I shivered and tears fell onto my pillow without me even noticing.

◆◆◆

“Gavin! Gavin, please wake up!” Nick. I struggled to open my eyes, to get away from that room, that cell . I finally managed to crack them open, and the sight of his face caused a wave of relief to wash over me. I was shaking as though I’d really been back in that ice bath, like I was in that freezing room instead of Nick’s warm bed. Tears had pooled beneath my face, making a wet spot on my pillow.

“Nick?” My voice cracked when I spoke. He was holding me at arm’s length where he’d apparently been trying to wake me up for a long time. As soon as I said his name, he pulled me to him, crushing me against his body. I gripped him tightly, still shaking.

He rubbed my back and arms, like he was trying to warm me up. “Fuck, Gavin, you wouldn’t wake up this time. You kept saying you were cold, and you were asking someone to stop, begging them to help you.” He pulled back slightly and wiped away my tears. He looked utterly devastated. “Gavin,” I knew he wanted to help me so badly. “Gavin, what did they do to you?”

I let out an involuntary sob. He was looking into my eyes, silently begging me to let him in. I’d never spoken of it, not to anyone. I also hadn’t fully trusted anyone since I was sixteen. No one . “They tried to make me…not gay.”

Nick cursed quietly, and let out his own little sob, pulling me tightly to his chest. “I fucking knew it,” he mumbled. Running his hands through my hair he said, “I’m assuming with a very educated guess that we aren’t talking about some worthless kind of therapy sessions in a church office. Those motherfucking literal torture chambers they used to call conversion therapy still exist, don’t they?” I just nodded. He’d already pieced together enough just listening to me in my sleep. I couldn’t say any more right then. “I’m so fucking sorry,” he whispered.

He held me and rubbed my back, and we lay there for several minutes as I tried to come all the way back from my dream. He helped speed it along, helped ground me, and his presence helped me comprehend that they weren’t there lurking in the shadows. I was in his arms. I was safe. He was safe.

Once the panic had subsided, I got angry, which happened a lot. And the part that pissed me off the most is what I decided to voice first. “You want to know the real irony?” I said into his shoulder.

He kissed the top of my head. “What’s that?”

“Take a guess where I lost my virginity. And it wasn’t to another of the kids there for therapy.”

His hands paused their movements on my back. “Jesus Christ. Is that who you keep asking for help in your dreams?”

I shrugged. “Maybe. I never did out loud in real life, but I wanted to. Not that he would have.”

I could hear Nick’s teeth grind together as his jaw clenched. “The devil tattoo?”

“Yeah.” I paused but added, “It really probably isn’t what you’re thinking, though.” I didn’t want him to think I was just some innocent victim.

“I don’t know what I’m thinking right now,” he admitted, “but I know I’m seeing fucking red, and I’m ready to go put someone in the hospital.”

I closed my eyes, because it was going to be hard for me to admit everything, but I needed to tell him the whole story. I needed him to know me before he decided he truly wanted me. “He didn’t take advantage of me. I was seventeen. He never did anything without my permission.”

Nick took a breath as though to calm himself. “Gavin, I know you might not think he took advantage of you, but you were, like you said, seventeen years old. I don’t know how much older he was, but in some states, what he did was illegal. It is here if he was much older. What he did was unethical, either way.”

“It wasn’t against the law,” I said in a near-whisper, “The age of consent is sixteen in North Carolina.” It wouldn’t have mattered if it was illegal. I never could have had him put in jail; it would have come back to bite me in the end.

Nick moved back and looked at me. I had trouble looking him in the eye. “Gavin, I understand that you were a willing participant in whatever kind of fucked up relationship you had, but he had you at a huge disadvantage. You were in a place against your will, where they were hurting you. That’s obvious even to me. You were in no position to be making decisions about your sex life, and he knew it. He had you in a vulnerable place, where you were looking for help wherever you could find it, and he took advantage of that because he knew he could. He’s the bad guy in this scenario. I want you to know that.”

I shook my head. “No, not the only bad guy.”

“Gavin…”

“It still happened sometimes after I left there, for a while. I…let it. He was…he has a family and I…still answered his messages. He told me his wife cheated on him all the time and they only stayed married for appearances because of the whole church thing, but I don’t know now if he was even telling the truth. It hadn’t happened for a long time before I came here. But I…what does that make me?” I couldn’t look at him for fear of what I would find in his eyes.

His hand touched my face. “It makes you a kid who’s head they fucked with in a major way as they confused and scared and hurt you. A kid he was attracted to and knew he could still take advantage of when his closeted ass wanted a boy to fuck, because he’d groomed you into acceptance when you were at the darkest point you’d ever been in. It makes you a victim, Gavin, and I know you don’t see it that way. But from the outside, I do. You aren’t a bad person. You never hurt anyone intentionally, but they did . God, I want to kill them.”

He hugged me again, going back to rubbing my back. “Please don’t think you’re one of the bad guys,” he whispered, “You aren’t. I’m so angry right now, but not at you. None of it was your fault. Not at all. I’m so pissed at all the people who did this to you. And your dad? He sent you there?” I nodded. “Fucking bastard. I can’t…can I ask why you kept saying you were cold? Your dreams, while I can put some of them together, they confuse me.”

“They made me get in a tub full of ice and water and watch porn.” I was pretty sure from the strangled sound he made that he kind of wished he hadn’t asked.

He took a breath, though, and said, “Do you want to talk about anything else they did? I don’t want you to have to carry this all alone. And I can handle it. But if you don’t want to, you don’t have to, ok?”

I gripped onto him, pulling myself tightly to his chest. I didn’t want to talk about it, but I wanted him to know, and it was hard dealing with it alone if I was honest with myself. Nick wanted to be there for me, and he had to deal with my emotions all the time. He hadn’t judged me, not about any of it, even though I’d been judging myself since I was seventeen. “Ask me about whatever tattoos you want to,” I whispered, “I’ll tell you what they mean.”

He pulled back and looked at me, hesitating as though to make sure I was sure. He pushed me gently onto my back. “The storm cloud,” he pointed, “The lightning over the devil.” He traced it gently and looked back at my face.

“Electricity,” I said. “They used it while playing porn or showing me pictures. They’d hit me with it to get me to associate what I was seeing with pain. If I got hard, they’d shock me in the nuts. It fucking hurt. They told me it was nothing compared to the pain a life of sin would bring me. That I-” My voice broke.

“Fuck, Gavin,” he whispered, rubbing my face, “Do you want me to keep going?” I closed my eyes and nodded.

He pointed to my chest. “The heart with the barbed wire around it.”

I shrugged. “The barbed wire is around my heart because I thought I was never allowed to love anyone, that if I did, it would bring me nothing but pain. I thought it would always hurt, because even if I tried, I’d end up back in that room. Every time I’d ever been with anyone, my mind went back there. What they did worked in a way. They did condition me, but they didn’t make me straight. I didn’t stop liking guys, just started associating sex and relationships with pain and fear. I have a high enough sex drive, unfortunately, that it didn’t stop me from wanting it. I learned how to block it out somewhat, but it’s always been a struggle.”

Nick looked horrified. He opened his mouth to speak, but I went on before he could. “It was like that with everyone, even my friend Collin. I always had to fight to stay present, to stay out of that room the whole time, just so I could get off. I thought it would be like that my whole life, until I met you. With you…I didn’t have to focus to stay in the room. I didn’t have to pretend my past didn’t exist. All I could focus on was you. All I could feel was you. No pain. No fear or fighting off panic. I don’t even understand how, but you…” I didn’t have the words right then.

He let out a sob and abandoned his quest to find the next tattoo. He pulled me back to his chest and hugged me tightly. I suddenly found the words. “You feel like something I’ve never had,” I said, “You feel like home.”

“I'm so sorry,” he whispered, “I’m so fucking sorry you had to go through all that.” He just held me, going back to rubbing my back. He didn’t ask me about any more tattoos, and I was kind of grateful. I was willing to tell him, but it hurt to talk about it. He knew enough. He knew enough to understand why I had nightmares every night. And I knew enough to know that he wasn’t going to take off running because of my past. He wasn’t going to think less of me for the things I’d done or the things that had been done to me.

I wasn’t sure how long we stayed like that, but I didn’t care. The sun had risen, and the shadows dissolved into comforting warmth. I was gripping onto him like my life depended on it. When I finally started to relax, he said, “You want some breakfast?” Still holding him, I nodded. “Come on, then,” he said, “you can help me. I’m going to teach you how to cook.”

I looked up at him. “You sure? You aren’t worried I’ll burn down the apartment?”

He gave me a little smile. “Nah. I’ll show you what to do.” As he climbed out of the bed, he added, “But I do have a fire extinguisher in case.” I just laughed.

◆◆◆

I learned I make a pretty mean blueberry waffle. Nick cooked the bacon, there were no fires, and we sat down with our food, mostly relaxed and happy. When we were done, he insisted on cleaning up since I’d cleaned up the last time we’d made a big breakfast. I still tried to clean a little, but he tsked me and sent me out of the kitchen, so I went and made the bed instead.

We sat down in the living room with more coffee when we were finished, since thanks to me we’d woken early on our day off. He didn’t seem upset about the early start to our day, though. He said, “So. If you could do anything you wanted on this beautiful Sunday, what would it be?”

“You?” I asked him with a smirk, trying to lighten the mood a little since it still felt heavy after our talk. But I was, of course, serious, too.

He laughed. “Smooth, but I meant outside. We can do that later. I want you to get out and have fun right now.” I knew what he wanted, and that was to not take advantage of me when I’d just opened my heart to him as well as probably traumatized him with what I’d said my past had done to my brain. I hoped he wouldn’t treat me like I was made of glass. I wanted him to pretend that I was normal. I wished I really was normal.

“I like being on your bike,” I suggested.

“Well, where do you want to go on it?”

I shrugged. I didn’t go on dates . I hooked up with dudes in bathrooms and sucked them off in tattoo parlors. I was in unchartered territory.

His eyes lit up suddenly. “I’ve got it,” he said, “Have you ever been to an aquarium?”

“No.” Even though he’d worded it as a question, he seemed surprised that I actually said no.

“Never?”

“Never. My dad never took me to do anything fun. And by the time I got away from him, I couldn’t afford it. I was just trying to keep up with my bills so I didn’t end up back at his mercy, which is where he wanted me.”

“Well, then,” Nick said, “Fun it is. First, though, we’re going to get you a prepaid phone. You need to be able to get ahold of me any time you need me, and Jeff may need to get ahold of you. You also need to be able to call someone if there’s an emergency. But after the phone, we’re going to Jamie’s aquarium.”

“Jamie’s aquarium?” I had no idea what he was talking about.

“Yeah. Jamie is a marine biologist. Well, technically he’s still in school, for his doctorate. But he’s the assistant director of a rescue aquarium. They take in injured marine life and release the ones they can. I don’t know if he’s working today, and they do go out pretty often for injured animals even if he is, so we might or might not see him, but it’s a cool place.”

I smiled. “That sounds fun.” So it was a date.

◆◆◆

We took a shower together. Just a shower. I could tell that Nick was definitely going to be cautious with me, but he was trying to respect me, and I respected that.

It was my idea to take one together, under the pretense of saving time. He got a little shy being in the shower with me even though the day before he’d literally used my legs as handles to fuck me with abandon. His bashfulness was kind of cute, but it also pissed me off that his ex had made him feel like he wasn’t worthy of admiration. Gabriel needed a punch in the mouth and I kind of hoped I had the opportunity to do so someday.

I wanted to make sure Nick knew that he was worthy, and that I thought he was gorgeous. We didn’t fool around, but he let me wash him, and I did so with the reverence he deserved, refusing to let him shrink in on himself. I made sure he noticed that I was looking at him like he was the most beautiful thing in the world, because to me, he was.

We didn’t speak during the entire shower. Those were some of the most intimate moments I’d ever had, and there wasn’t even sex involved. He got hard as I roamed my soapy hands all over his body, and I smiled about it, but I couldn’t say anything since I was, too. I finally leaned forward and licked up his neck, because I couldn’t stand not flirting with him any longer, and he ducked down as I reached his jaw and caught my mouth in a kiss.

He washed me next, with just as much reverence as I’d given him. I saw him looking at the tattoos he hadn’t asked about, as though trying to figure them out. He paused when he noticed, apparently for the first time, a scar on my leg. There were no tattoos to hide it, because Collin worried it wouldn’t take the ink properly. Collin had never asked me about it, even though it was clearly a burn. Nick looked up at me like he might ask. The shower was too nice to ruin with more shit from my past. I just looked at him, begging him silently to let it go, and he moved on.

We made out the entire time we were rinsing off. My hands stayed on his face or his shoulders, and his stayed on my back, never straying lower. It was nice to just kiss him. That was something I’d never had with anyone. Sure I’d kissed guys. But we never just kissed, especially not naked. He finally pulled back, running his hand gently over my face. “Come on,” he said, “Let’s go have a good day.”

◆◆◆

We went to the phone place first, and I bought a cheap prepaid phone. It made me feel better knowing I could get ahold of him when we were apart. I put his number in first, then he gave me Jeff’s number, as well as Caden and Jamie’s, mainly in case I needed someone and couldn’t get ahold of him. I wasn’t really worried about anything else. I stuck it in my pocket, and we rode out to the aquarium that was close to the beach.

I’d never seen anything like it, nor had I ever gone anywhere like that with another person. There were a couple of guys you could say I almost casually dated. I’d seen them more than once, which was unusual. But the extent of our dating was going out for a drink before a fuck in the back seat of a car. Real dates, like going to the aquarium with Nick? Never. He grabbed my hand at the entrance where he insisted on paying for both of us, and he didn’t let go the whole time we walked through the building. If we got any weird looks walking around holding hands, I didn’t notice.

I was in awe of the dolphin exhibit. I’d never actually seen one up close, and watching them play behind glass right in front of me, I think I was more transfixed than the kids squealing around me.

I touched a stingray. It kind of grossed me out at first and I yanked my hand back. Nick laughed at me, and so did a couple of kids who were also trying to touch them. “What?” I cried, “It’s slimy .” I got over it, though, and finally put my hand back in the tank. I even ended up feeding them, which was even weirder because their mouths are on the bottom of them. What the hell.

Nick seemed to be watching me more than he was watching the fish. Every time I looked over at him he was already looking at me. He had a dreamy little smile the whole time, and I was pretty sure he was enjoying my awe as much as I was. I stared at the jellyfish in their little neon lit tanks for entirely too long, and the colorful rainbow fish swimming in a school. The entire place amazed me, and I could see how someone would want to dedicate their life to saving the sea creatures. I suddenly understood Jamie even more, just going to the place where he worked.

Nick pulled me over to a machine that flattened pennies into a keepsake with imprints of things in the aquarium. “What was your favorite thing so far?” he asked me.

I laughed. “Ok, I think the stingrays were the most interesting thing so far. Since they were the weirdest.”

He nodded. He made a penny with a stingray and the name of the aquarium on it and handed it to me. “Here. It’s your lucky penny. Keep it with you to stay lucky and remember our first real date.”

I smiled and took the penny, gazing at it. “I never want to forget. It will stay in my pocket forever.” He looked pleased as I slipped it into my front pocket and we continued on.

We’d gone out on the deck to look at the marina outside, and a big commotion started because the rescue boat was coming back, and they had something with them. Nick and I had a good view since we were already at the railing where the boat was coming in, and we watched Jamie and a crew carry a shark in a tarp toward an entrance beneath us. There was a huge gash on the shark’s side, and I accidentally made a sad sound. “They’ll take care of him,” Nick said confidently. Jamie glanced up almost like he’d heard us. He noticed us and gave us a little smile and a nod hello. We waved at him, but then the group was gone into what I could only assume was an animal hospital below us.

Nick and I continued through the aquarium, but Nick got a text about half an hour later. He showed it to me with a smile. Jamie: Don’t worry guys, he’s going to be ok. Just had to get him out of the ocean to heal. He’ll probably be released in two weeks or so. :) I had to admit I felt better after reading it. Nick gave me a little side hug. “You looked worried. I’m sure Jamie noticed.”

I looked over at him. “I mean, the poor thing looked terrible.”

“I love that you have a heart that cares about a shark you saw brought into an aquarium.” He looked like he wanted to say more, but he didn’t. I wasn’t sure why he was so surprised, because what kind of cold person would it take to see something like that and not care at all?

“I’m glad he’s ok,” I said simply.

He took my hand again, pulling me to the last of the exhibits. I was kind of sad when it was over, but he said, “You want to get some ice cream? There’s a place near here.”

◆◆◆

After the aquarium and ice cream, we went to the same discount clothing store we’d gone to before the party so I could get some clothes since I still had some money. I got the clothes I really needed, then said, “What do you think Jeff wants me to wear to work? That lady had a whole uniform.”

“I don’t think Jeff cares,” Nick laughed, “But I guess you could buy a couple of button-up shirts. You could wear all black. That looks pretty polished. And maybe a little mysterious.” I wasn’t sure how mysterious I wanted to look, but I took his advice. We headed back to the apartment while I held onto him and the bag. He had hold of one of my hands on his torso for most of the ride.

Nick turned on the TV and ordered Chinese food. While we waited for our food, I decided to log onto Instagram. I made sure my location was off and pulled it up on the browser instead of downloading the app, thankful I’d always had my active status hidden, mainly to avoid spontaneous dick pics from guys I’d met at bars and never wanted to talk to again.

The first thing I noticed was an unusually high number of messages. Clicking on them with a sinking heart, I saw that they were all from Collin. I knew I’d gone pale because Nick asked me what was wrong, but I couldn’t answer immediately.

Dude, where are you? Your dad is looking for you. He came up into my job asking me about you.

Gavin, what the fuck? How does he know what we did? He’s threatening me. I said I don’t know where you are. I told him we decided not to talk for a while and I didn’t even know you were gone.

I feel really shitty after sending that last message. I didn’t mean it like it sounded.

Dude, your dad is threatening to out me! I’m not even gay! Or at least, I mean, I’m not totally gay. I don’t know what I am. I’m so fucking confused and now no one knows where you are. He told me you don’t even have your phone. I hope you get these. What the hell happened?

Hey, I’m worried about you. They’re lying. I know you aren’t a fucking addict, man, but that’s what they’re telling everyone. They’re saying you had a mental breakdown and took off because your job caught you stealing. I know you, though. I know you wouldn’t steal from anyone, and I know you aren’t on drugs. What the hell is going on?

This other guy came in here looking for you. I don’t know who he is, but he had a badge. They all seem to think I’m hiding you. What the fuck man. Are you alive??

Gavin, I hope you’re ok. I really am worried. It did mean something to me, too, ok? I was just scared and didn’t know what to do with how much I really liked it. I want you to know that, wherever you are. These assholes aren’t giving up. I’m concerned about how hard they’re looking for you. I don’t know what’s going on. It would help to know you’re still alive. I’m sorry I pushed you away. Can you at least tell me where you are and that you’re safe?

I looked up at Nick. His brow was creased as he watched me. “Are you ok?” he asked me, “What is it? What’s wrong?” He glanced at my phone but didn’t try to read the messages. He needed to know what he was really dealing with, though. Up until then he didn’t have proof that I wasn’t just paranoid. If he read the messages, he’d know I’d been telling the truth about all of it. I handed him my phone.

I didn’t like something about Collin’s last message. I was pretty sure the ending of it proved they’d gotten to him. I wondered if they’d coerced him into the whole message, because I didn’t think he’d admit all of that on his own. Even if he was worried, why would he ask where I was when I was obviously hiding? It just didn’t seem quite right, and I knew I could actually be paranoid at that point, but there was no way I’d tell him where I was, just in case. I hated that he’d see I read the messages.

Nick paled a little as he discovered that there were, in fact, people looking for me, apparently pretty determined to find me. That they were lying to everyone I knew to try to get to me. Even without the whole story he couldn’t deny that I was truly in trouble. He looked up at me. “Gavin, I never doubted you, but they’re looking hard .” I just nodded. He handed my phone back to me. “This is…your tattoo artist?”

“Yeah,” I said softly, kind of feeling bad I’d let him read all of them.

“So you think they’re after him too, now?”

“Seems like it, but I think he’s ok. They’re just trying to get to me through him. I’m pretty sure he would save his own ass if it came to it, and it seems he’s already asking questions for them.” I wasn’t completely confident that they wouldn’t try something if he didn’t. It was my dad and him . They both had their own very different reasons for not liking Collin. Helping them would be in his best interest, and even I would want him to stay safe.

Nick looked thoughtful. “What do you mean?”

“The last message. He asked where I was. Why would he do that? What’s he going to do to help me if he knows? All he needs to know is that I’m alive.”

“Maybe he does want to help you, though,” Nick said softly, “He did say it meant something to him, too.” He emphasized the “too,” just a little bit, but I didn’t think he even meant to.

“Yeah, but I’m wondering if they told him to say that to see if I’d respond. I’m not going to, even though they’ll see I read it.”

Nick looked like he had a million things on his mind. He hesitated as though he wasn’t sure what to address first. What he settled on was, “Did you love him?” He looked at me but looked away again. “If you say yes, it’s ok.” He knew the thing with me and Collin was recent because of the things I’d said, but if he thought Collin was going to come in like the damn cavalry trying to save me and make me his, he was way off. Nick looked a little sad but resigned to whatever I said. I was really wishing I’d paraphrased the messages for him, because though I wanted him to be aware of what was really coming for me, I also knew he’d been hurt badly by the last person he cared about.

I shook my head. I didn’t want him to think I was another Gabriel, so I told him the truth. “Collin was my friend for years. I had a crush on him, but it was just that, a crush, and one I knew would never be reciprocated. Collin and I were…complicated, but love? No. I didn’t love him. It was a weird friendship, with benefits that were mostly for him. He made me feel safer than the randos at the bars, just because I knew him. But the way I felt with him, the trust I had in him, even after knowing him for years, it doesn’t compare to the way you make me feel, Nick.” I knew that anyone could turn on me under pressure, but I somehow knew Nick wouldn’t.

“I won’t break your trust,” Nick whispered.

“I know.”

“I won’t let them hurt you. No matter what.” I knew he thought he could protect me, and I appreciated that he wanted to, so I didn’t correct him.

We got a call from downstairs letting us know our food had arrived. Nick had them bring it up, and we sat down to eat silently in front of the movie that was playing. He still seemed a little concerned, and I wasn’t sure if it was just because he had proof that my fears were true, or also that the friend I’d hooked up with had declared it meant something to him. Just in case it was both, I said, “I meant it when I said he doesn’t compare to you, Nick.” Letting so much vulnerability show was foreign to me because I’d always tried to keep a tough shell when I was around someone I wanted to like me, but I went on, “In fact, I’ve never felt like this around anyone.” It was all foreign to me. The feelings, the trust, the fun, the dates, all of it.

Nick’s worried face softened. He put his chopsticks down and scooted over to me, putting an arm around me. He nuzzled into my neck. “I’ve never felt like this about anyone, either.”

I laughed, because his breath was tickling my neck. “But you were engaged!”

“Yeah, I know. That doesn’t change that I’ve never felt like this about anyone.” I pulled back and looked at him but saw nothing but sincerity in his eyes. I slowly smiled, gave him a peck on the lips, then went back to my food because I was hungry. He gave a little laugh and grabbed his own food, staying right next to me as he ate.

◆◆◆

When it started to get late, Nick went into the bathroom to get ready for bed. At least that was what he said, even though I was pretty sure he was just giving me a chance to strip down to my underwear and get in bed before he came into the room. He came back in his boxers and climbed under the covers, scooting over to hold me like he always did. It helped ward off the nightmares. But he’d promised me earlier. Well, he’d said we could “do that later.” It was later, and I was ready to go, even though he seemed to think we were just going to go to sleep. He was rubbing my hair, trying to soothe me into good dreams, but Nick was so perfect I couldn’t stand it. He was beautiful inside and out, he was going around being my hero AF, and I wanted him bad.

He made a little sound as soon as he realized I was hard for no good reason whatsoever other than I was crazy about him. He wasn’t doing anything to try to get me going, but he didn’t have to. All he had to do was be himself. I shoved my erection into his leg to drive home the fact that I was horny as hell, and he’d told me earlier we could do it later.

He chuckled. “Gavin…”

Nope . “What?” I whined, “You said later.” I’d pout if he made me. I needed him, however he wanted me. He made love to me on that yacht, and that was a first for me. No one had ever treated my body like that. I definitely hadn’t hated it. But it had also really done it for me when he manhandled me.

“Are you sure…right now?” He looked a little uncertain, and I was regretting the talk we’d had in bed that morning.

“Don’t tell me I scared you away,” I said, frustrated, “I told you that you’re the only one who can touch me like that and not have me regressing into my own head. So touch me. Because if you’re going to neglect me now, I’ll have to take care of it myself and I’ll do it right here.” I flopped onto my back still under the covers, pulled my boxer briefs off, then shoved the blanket halfway down my thighs. I licked the palm of my right hand and took hold of my dick, not taking my eyes off him as I started stroking myself.

His eyes widened and he just watched me for a minute. His boxers were tented by then, but he was enjoying the show a little too much and I was afraid he was actually going to let me keep going. I needed to take it further, then. I started sucking on the index finger of my left hand, and his eyes suddenly didn’t know where to go. I closed my eyes for a second, then reached behind my other hand and slid my finger into my ass, looking back at Nick again. I worked both hands together, letting out a moan as I stared at him. The look in his eyes suddenly became almost possessive.

He sat up quickly and moved over, pulling both of my hands away from where they worked. Finally. He still had my wrists in his hands when I said, “Make me yours. Make me. Make me come.” I could tell by the hungry look that flashed through his eyes he knew what I needed.

He shoved the blanket all the way off of me and moved to sit between my legs. He grabbed my wrists again, placing both hands firmly on the bed beside me, holding them there for a second as he looked at me, almost daring me to move them. My hands stayed where he’d placed them when he let go. He grabbed the back of my thighs, shoving my knees up to my chest and bending me in half. He leaned down and licked a strip up my ass. My legs stiffened under his grip. “Nnn…” his full name wouldn’t even come out of my mouth.

It seemed that Nick was not interested in being super careful again. We had an appointment at the center to get tested, but we’d had a serious talk already. I’d told him I’d never done anything with anyone, including Collin, without a condom. He’d been tested since he left Gabriel, since Gabriel was a cheating bastard, and he’d used a condom the one time he’d had a hook up. He apparently wasn’t worried, and with his tongue circling my hole like it was, pretty much every coherent thought I might have had flew right out of my head.

As soon as I relaxed, he slipped his tongue inside of me. Oh, fuck . That tongue was working its magic again, in a different place that time, making me squirm under him as my body tried to beg him for more. My hands longed to grab his head and shove him even closer to me, but they stayed on the bed where he’d placed them. He kept going, seemingly encouraged by the strangled sounds I couldn’t stop from slipping out.

His tongue was crammed so far inside of me that I thought I might come right then. No one had ever done that for me, and I thought I might float off the bed from all the sensations I was feeling. I was completely exposed to him, helpless to do anything other than let him eat me out, and his tongue was quite obviously enchanted because the feeling of it alone was making my toes curl.

“Ungh, Nick.” I was fucking panting. The breathlessness of my voice embarrassed me a little, but it made him go harder and faster like he knew I’d ask him to if I could form a logical thought. Good god, was he actually hitting my prostate with his tongue? I wasn’t sure, but he was hitting every other nerve ending down there.

I was still squirming on the bed, but he didn’t let go of my legs, holding me in place as he just kept working me with his tongue. He was lighting up everything in my body, hitting nerves without even touching them. My head was pressed back hard into the pillow. My hands finally abandoned their positions at my sides because he had me mindless, and I grabbed the pillow on either side of my head, gripping it in a death grip as I tried to push my body toward him, toward all of those sensations the best I could with him holding my legs to my body like he was.

“ Nick ,” I groaned. I’d never even heard my own self sound so desperate and needy. Holy shit. I was getting ready to come. I was about to come from a rim job. He seemed to become aware of how close I was, but instead of backing off and fucking me, he somehow managed to double down on the effort he was already making.

My dick was leaking all over my belly. It was begging for friction, but he wasn’t giving it any. I knew if I tried, even though I’d already moved my hands, he’d push them away from it. I cried out, needing more, but not even sure of what I really wanted because I’d never felt quite so amazing. He moaned at my cry, the vibration through his tongue somehow reverberating through my entire being. It sent me all the way over the edge. My legs shook under his firm grip as my body gave a shudder. My dick exploded all over me, cum shooting as far as my chin. I heard the pillowcase rip beside my head. The only noise I made was a strangled sound of surprise.

Nick’s tongue slowly licked up to my balls as he sat all the way up, lowering my legs back to the bed beside him as he looked down at me. I was panting and felt a little shaky. I looked up at him. He let out an amazed little laugh. “Holy fuck. You just came from me rimming you.”

I could barely find my voice, but I managed to say, “Yeah. I was there when it happened.”

He laughed outright at that. “There’s cum on your chin.”

“I feel it. Thanks.”

I was still catching my breath when the look of humor turned into something different. His eyes darkened as he scanned my cum-covered body, and he got rid of his boxers. He grabbed my legs and spread them apart on the bed. “My turn,” he said. He paused, though, and looked at me. Even though I’d practically begged to be dominated a little bit, he was still concerned about me. “Ok?”

I pushed my ass toward him. “Anything you want to do.” I glanced at the pillow beside my head. “Uh, sorry about your pillowcase.”

He glanced at the thumb sized hole in it and laughed. “Oh, sweetheart. That was worth so much more than an old pillowcase. I don’t know how I didn’t blow my load in my pants again.” I just laughed as he grabbed some lube and a condom from the drawer he must have put them in earlier and slipped the condom on even though he’d had his tongue in my ass for the past ten minutes.

He lubed up the condom and lined up, not bothering with his fingers but still pressing in slowly. I was kind of sensitive, and it was a little tight with just his tongue opening me up, but my body let him in and it wasn’t uncomfortable enough for me to stop him.

He moved slowly until he bottomed out, then he sat on his knees and gazed down at me. He reached up and touched my face gently, and since I didn’t tell him to wait, he started thrusting slowly. The oversensitivity made me squirm a little, but he only had to adjust once and he was hitting perfectly, rubbing over my prostate just right. I almost rolled my eyes at myself when I realized I was already getting hard again, but it felt too good to even bother being embarrassed.

As soon as he realized he had me enjoying myself again, Nick smirked, and he looked pretty damn cocky for a minute. He picked up the pace, still hitting just right and drawing a moan out of me. He held my hip with one hand as he reached out and drew his other over my chest and down my abs. He spread my cum all over the place as he did so, but then he grabbed my dick, using my cum as lube to stroke me in time with his movements. I could tell he was close, and even if he was proud of himself, he wasn’t going to leave me hard and wanting.

“Mm, Gavin. You’re so fucking hot. The things you do to me. You don’t even know.”

His hand and his cock were almost all I could focus on at that point, but I heard him, and I wanted to answer. “You…” my lungs were heaving and I was struggling to get words from my brain to my mouth. “…are so fucking perfect. And I…I don’t think. Nn…I don’t think you . Fuck . Don’t think you know it either.”

He let out a moan and sped up his movements, his hand keeping time with his dick. My dick twitched in his hand and my body gave a shudder. “Ah, Nick. Fuck, yes.” I couldn’t believe I was about to come for the second time that quickly.

“Come for me, Gavin,” he said, and he said it in a way that left no room for argument. I could tell he was struggling to hold off. He pulled my body toward his with his hand on my hip, pushing me farther onto his length as he twisted his hand and swiped his thumb across my tip, and there was no way for me to deny his request. My legs locked to his sides, and I let out a cry as I came all over myself for the second time that night.

Nick cried out right after me, thrusting erratically as his dick throbbed inside of me. I just lie there trying to catch my breath again as I committed his orgasm face to my memory. After his final moan almost brought my dick to life again, he fell forward and kissed me. “Oh, my god,” he said when he sat up. “You. You are the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.”

I was blushing at that. “I could say the same,” I said softly.

He laughed and dropped back down to the bed beside me, propping himself up on one elbow as he smirked down at me. “How was that? Was that what you needed?”

I looked over at him with a satiated grin. “Mm. More than.”

He grinned back and climbed out of bed, grabbing a rag from the bathroom across the hall to clean us with, grinning as he cleaned off my chin. “That was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, Gavin. And that’s saying something, because I’ve seen you come before.”

He threw the rag on the floor and flopped back down beside me, pulling the covers over us. I laughed. “Yeah? Well it was pretty ok on this end, too.”

“ Ok ?” he looked indignant, “That looked like it was much more than ok.”

“Fine. It was every bit as good as it looked.”

He chuckled and gave me a quick kiss. “Now can we sleep?”

“I guess. Unless round three is on the table.”

He burst into laughter. “Are you trying to kill me? Go to sleep.”

I grinned. “Goodnight, Nick.”

He kissed me on the forehead and pulled me to him, spooning me as we both drifted off.