Page 10

Nick

I hated to admit it but I kind of wished he’d asked me to stay with him. It was nice being close to someone while I slept again, it was comforting. I wasn’t alone in the dark with my thoughts, and even though I’d obviously upset him with my last tattoo question, it had been nice getting to know him a little bit.

I managed to go to sleep but woke up at two in the morning again, which was pretty normal for me. Being alone in my bedroom had me thinking and I just stared into the darkness for a while, stewing in my own anger and self-pity as I thought about Gabriel and that little shit who was supposed to be my friend. “Fuck you,” I said to the empty room. I got up to use the bathroom and grab some water. It always took forever to go back to sleep when I woke up in the middle of the night, because I let myself get angry and ended up wide awake. I hated nights. I hated sleeping. I hated being lonely.

I was headed back to my room from the kitchen when I heard him again. Dear God, did he have nightmares every night? The recent disruption to his life and the stress he was under could have made it worse, but he seemed pretty used to it, so I had a feeling it was common. I could hear that he was crying, actually fucking crying while he begged someone to stop, and I couldn’t just leave him to suffer. I opened the guest room door and leaned over the bed, touching his arm gently. “Gavin? Gavin, wake up. You’re having a bad dream.”

He didn’t wake immediately like he had the previous night. “Please do something!”

“Gavin!” I shook him a little harder because he was panicking, his ragged breaths coming much too quickly, and I was worried about him. His eyes suddenly shot open as he gasped. He looked at me wide-eyed for a minute, almost as though he thought I was one of the tormentors from his dream. He finally seemed to focus on his surroundings, and he shot upright in bed and grabbed hold of me around the waist. He hugged me to him as he continued to take gasping breaths.

I reached down and put my arms around him. “Hey,” I said softly, “It’s ok. You’re safe. I’m right here. Everything is ok. No one is going to hurt you.”

His breathing had slowed slightly, but I wasn’t sure he was completely awake because he still sounded panicked when he said, “They’re coming for me. They’ll take me back. They’ll make me go back. They won’t let me go this time. I can’t…Nick, I can’t go back.” Well, he was aware of where he was and who I was, at least.

I scooted him over to climb into the bed and sit beside him. I ended up half lying down because he still had his arms around my waist like he was holding onto me to avoid being dragged back to wherever they would take him. His hands were gripping my shirt at my back as I hugged him back tightly, trying to comfort him but not sure what to do. My shirt was damp with tears where his face rested on me. It was worse than the previous night. Either he was still half in his nightmare, or he was having some sort of mental health crisis, one I was not trained to handle. I’d been around things like that, but I was just a cook. I wasn’t sure what to say and I didn’t want to say the wrong thing.

“Gavin,” I finally said, trying to figure out what was going on, “Where are they going to take you? I don’t understand what’s happening. Can you help me understand?”

“I can’t be happy. Every time I start to find happiness on my own, they take it away. He won’t ever let me be happy because he wants me there.”

“Who is he ? Your dad?” It was my first assumption, since he’d spoken of his dad coming to find him.

“No.”

Well, that was new information. He made the mistake of glancing at his arm immediately after he said it. At the tattoo of the devil. He suddenly seemed to snap out of it. He released me and sat up quickly, facing away from me as he wiped the tears off his face. “Shit, Nick, I’m sorry.” He glanced back at my shirt where his tears had soaked through at my belly.

I sat up beside him. “Don’t be sorry, Gavin. You have no reason to be.” I wanted to question him more about what he’d just told me, but I didn’t want to pry when he was in such a fragile state. “If there’s anything I can do, please tell me. I hate that you keep having these nightmares.”

He made a sound that was almost a nervous laugh, but not quite. “No, I’m used to it. I just usually don’t have anyone to wake me up.” He paused, “Or tell me that it will be ok.”

I made my decision, even though I knew I risked being wounded. I fell back onto the bed and opened my arms. “Come here.”

He glanced at me, lying there in his bed with my arms out to hold him. He looked surprised to say the least, and a little embarrassed. I just waited silently. My intuition hadn’t failed me, though. He gave in and fell into my arms, putting his around me and hugging me to him, his head at my chest. I held him protectively. “It will be ok,” I said, “I promise you. You’re safe here. I’m safe. I won’t let anything happen to you.” I meant it. I’d do whatever it took, and if anyone hurt him, I’d kill them.

I felt him relax into my arms. Instead of fighting me or arguing that I wouldn’t be able to protect him, he gave a little nod. We stayed like that, holding each other without speaking, until we both fell asleep.

◆◆◆

I didn’t have my phone in Gavin’s room, so I didn’t hear my alarm. I woke up a little late but with plenty of time to get ready for work, and with Gavin still in my arms. I watched him sleep peacefully for a moment. He seemed to sleep better if he wasn’t alone. My arm had fallen asleep under him, so I gently pulled it out, trying not to wake him. He stirred and opened his eyes, and he looked a little surprised in the morning light to see that we were still cuddling in his bed.

He backed up. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

I gave him a little smile. “It’s ok. My arm was just asleep.” I sat up and he gave me a sheepish smile back.

Finally he said, “But I really am sorry you have to keep coming in here like I’m some little kid afraid of monsters in the middle of the night.”

I sighed sadly. “Don’t ever be sorry, Gavin. I never looked at it like that. I know that the worst monsters are the ones that are real.”

He looked down but didn’t say anything. I knew he had real monsters out there, I just wasn’t sure what we were truly up against. “I’m going to go hop in the shower,” I said, “I overslept a little, but I still have plenty of time. If you want to stay here and chill for another day, there’s plenty of food and you can look for a job tomorrow. I know it was a rough night.” Honestly, I just wanted to keep him there a little longer.

“No, I’ll get ready fast,” he said, “I’d like to come with you and look for a job over there somewhere, if that’s ok?”

“Sure,” I said softly, but then, against my better judgment, I went on, “I meant what I said, though. You’re safe here. Please don’t just take off on me.” I walked out of the room before I could even see his face and regret my decision.

I showered quickly and headed to my room to dress so he could have the bathroom. He surely couldn’t have fit that many clothes in his backpack, but he took it with him. Hearing the water running had me doing everything in my power not to imagine him in that shower. Seeing him in a towel the previous day had really thrown me, and I wasn’t even able to play it off. When he said Gabriel thought we were fucking, I almost choked. The only way that could have been any better was if it were true.

He came out of the bathroom in a pair of black jeans and a black T-shirt. He didn’t mention my earlier words. He held his arms out and gave a little twirl. “You think this is ok for job hunting?” he asked me, “It’s the nicest thing I brought.”

“I think you look great, Gavin.” Great was an understatement, but I didn’t want to make it weird. We headed out of the apartment together.

◆◆◆

“What the hell did he go through, Caden?” I was hoping to get some answers while I had Caden alone. My assistant was sick, so Caden was helping me in the kitchen. Even though he was the director and could’ve just stayed in his office all day, he never shied away from work. The rest of the staff and the volunteers wouldn’t be in for an hour, and there was no way Caden would have let me try to do it all alone.

He looked up at me from the vegetables he was chopping, his brow furrowed. “I’m not really sure, Nick. We didn’t talk after- we stopped talking when we were sixteen. I honestly hadn’t spoken to him again until he showed up here. It wasn’t that we were angry, it was just…a bad situation. I can’t tell you anything about his life for the past eight years. I can tell you, though, that his dad is a real piece of shit. He’s a shit person, was a shit sheriff, and an even more shit father. Why do you ask?”

I looked down. “Dude, he has nightmares every night. Like the screaming, crying, begging people to stop kind of nightmares. And I know they aren’t just dreams. When he’s still half asleep, he begs me not to let them take him back.”

Caden visibly tensed. He was obviously getting new insight. “Take him back? Home, maybe? His dad’s house?”

I shook my head. “Maybe. But I think there’s more to it than that.”

Caden sighed and put the knife down, turning toward me and leaning on the counter. “Look, Nick. I don’t know what all his dad did to him, but he had zero qualms about punching Gavin right in front of me. He got away with a lot because of who he was. He had a lot of cop friends who were just as dirty as he was, and he probably still does.”

He paused and looked around to make sure no one else was nearby. “I…the only person I’ve ever told was Jamie. But if it’s this bad, you probably need to know why Gavin and I stopped dating. His dad caught us together, fooling around in Gavin’s bed. The man, still in his damn Sherriff’s uniform, flipped his fucking lid. He pulled his gun. Gavin freaked out when he did and started begging him not to hurt me. He punched Gavin in the face hard enough to knock him flat on his back on the bed. Then that motherfucker held a gun to my sixteen-year-old forehead, screaming about how I was Satan and I’d turned his son to sin, and it was my fault Gavin would go to hell. I’d never been so scared in my life. Still haven’t, if you don’t count the time Jamie was missing. He humiliated me completely and told me that if he ever found out I’d even spoken to Gavin again, he’d kill me. Honest to God, I don’t think he was bluffing. Gavin didn’t, either. That’s why we stopped talking. Completely and abruptly. It hurt back then that he acted like he didn’t know me, but I knew why he did it. He was trying to protect me.”

Caden paused and gazed out the window behind me. “Gavin had bruises sometimes, when he came to school, but it got worse after his dad knew he was gay. His dad was completely unaccepting of who Gavin was. He loathed the version that wasn’t the one he wanted, the version that was the real Gavin. So if he ever caught Gavin with another boy…I don’t know what he would have done. He wanted to blame someone, anyone for it. He wouldn’t accept that it was just who Gavin was. He thought Gavin needed to be fixed. I still had to go to church every week and watch that bastard pretend to be holy as a deacon, like he was some saint while his son sat alone at the front of the room looking miserable as fuck all the time.”

I paused as Caden’s words sank in. “Wait, his dad was a deacon at church? The tattoo. The devil.” I looked up at Caden’s confused face. “What was your youth pastor like?”

A look of horror crossed Caden’s face. “Wh-what? Nick, what? What did he say?”

“Not enough for me to really know what he was talking about. We were talking and I was asking him about his tattoos. He said the devil tattoo is a youth pastor. He didn’t give me any details, but he said it wasn’t what I was thinking.”

Caden looked down at the floor beside me, thinking hard but no less disturbed. “Uh, the guy was young. Mid-twenties, probably. Seemed nice enough. Never acted particularly creepy that I noticed. He was married with a little kid. He put together activities for the teenagers, and a lot of them seemed to like him, but I never wanted to go. I didn’t go to his class most of the time. Gavin may have gone to everything, because his dad might have made him, but I’m not sure. I don’t…what are you getting at?”

I shook my head. “I really don’t know. I’m trying to figure it all out myself. Gavin definitely has some kind of PTSD. I want to help him, but I don’t know how. He doesn’t want to talk about it. I kind of just want to know who I need to kill.” I glanced at him, but he just nodded. He understood.

I thought about the rest of Caden’s words, my mind focusing on how Gavin’s dad wanted to fix him. A thought suddenly dawned on me, and it might actually make some sense of the nightmares and Gavin’s panic. “Your church. Did they have any sort of conversion therapy there?”

Caden looked aghast. “Jesus. Not that I know of. Do you…is that…I could see his dad forcing him into conversion therapy. It would have been on par. He wanted Gavin to be straight, no matter what it took. Do you really think…?”

I shrugged. “I really don’t know, since he won’t talk about it. I can only piece together little bits of what he’s telling me and his nightmares.”

I turned away and went back to cooking. Caden seemed to understand I didn’t want to talk about it anymore right then. I was getting upset just thinking about it. He pivoted the subject. “So, how’s it going? Are you two getting along ok? I know you kind of got thrown together suddenly.”

I smiled. “Yeah, actually we are. We had a blast yesterday riding around the city. We have a lot in common, believe it or not. And I think it’s nice for both of us to not be alone for once.”

Caden relaxed and turned back to his job. “Good. He’s a good guy, Nick. He always has been. He never put himself first, always trying to help everyone else out, but at the expense of himself a lot of times. I know his dad never gave him the love he needed, the love he deserved. I just…he’s a good person. So whatever he’s going through, just try not to let him get hurt. Ok?”

It was a plea to both help him and not hurt him like so many others obviously had. I nodded. “Yeah. Of course.”

We went back to working silently for a few minutes before Caden spoke up again. “Hey, some good news. Yacht party Friday night. You’re off Saturday. Bring Gavin. Let’s all have some fun.” He was grinning.

I laughed. His friend’s yacht parties were next-level wild. The guy lived on the yacht full-time with his girlfriend, who was Jamie’s best friend. He played pro hockey for Florida, and he’d been Caden’s teammate in college.

The first time I’d been to one of his parties was Caden and Jamie’s wedding a few months before, though there had been plenty since. It was a beautiful wedding, but that party got wild, too, as the night went on. I was pretty sure Caden and Jamie had actually consummated their marriage in the corner of the reception behind a pillar and some decorative curtains. Only a few people seemed to notice. That party had still been fairly mild for one of Jeff’s parties if I was honest. There was always a high level of drunken revelry, a lot of sex with some of it right out in the open, an occasional man overboard, some live animals, and on more than one occasion some rescue flares that people found and thought would make cool fireworks. The flare shows had all ended with the coast guard surrounding the boat. I was pretty sure Jeff finally had the presence of mind to lock them up since. It was always anyone’s guess what would happen at those parties, but maybe a night like that was just what we needed.

“I’ll make sure we’re there,” I told Caden. He winked and went back to prepping.

◆◆◆

Gavin didn’t have a job yet when he showed up at the center to ride home with me, but he did have a couple of interviews scheduled. Caden walked outside with us as we headed out, and he looked at Gavin. “We do need a handyman around here,” he said, “It’s pretty easy.”

Gavin shook his head. “No, I really can’t. I’d love to, but I don’t want them to know about this place. They’d look at you first, and if there’s any paperwork, they’d find it.” I could tell Caden noticed that Gavin had said “them,” not “him,” but he didn’t comment on it. Gavin went on, “Besides, most of my job experience is cleaning up after people at a gym. I don’t think I’m really qualified.”

Caden shrugged. “Alright, but if you change your mind, we can always train you.” He looked back at me. “Friday night. Don’t forget.” He waved and headed back inside as Gavin climbed onto the bike behind me.

“Friday night?” he asked me curiously as he put on the helmet I’d borrowed from my neighbor, who no longer had his bike. I’d buy Gavin a helmet as soon as I knew I could keep him there.

“Yeah,” I said as I pulled my own helmet on, “We got invited to a party on Caden’s friend’s yacht. These parties are…something.” I laughed, then looked back at him. “Will you go with me? I don’t really want to go alone.”

It wasn’t really fair to play on his empathy like that, but it worked. “Oh. Ok. Yeah, if you want me to go with you.”

“I do.” I flipped my visor down and started the bike, trying not to get used to the feeling of his arms around me as we headed back to my apartment.