Page 50 of The Cut
Dave drops the brown hood of his Obi-Wan Kenobi bathrobe, spits out his chewing gum and puts the viewfinder back to his eye.
The cubicles are all lined up along the exterior wall and from where Patel is perched, down the side alley, peeping in through the glass fanlight, he has a good view of the girls’ changing room.
In one of the toilets, Lynette Davis, dressed as Sarah Connor, is pinning a helpless Terminator up against the door with her tongue down his throat.
Patel pans across as Princess Leia enters the bathroom.
She dumps a sports bag down on the side and adjusts her earmuff plaits in the mirror before entering the cubicle to pee.
‘Come on,’ Patel mutters to himself. ‘Let me see you.’ He tilts the camera, trying to get a better angle on Annabel Maddock.
Sarah Connor freezes for a second and places her ear against the cubicle as Annie relieves herself.
Lynette slowly opens the door and spots Annie’s bag on the sink.
She shoos away her date and, making sure the coast is clear, creeps out from the cubicle, grabs an empty glass Coke bottle from the floor and moves over to the bag.
She looks back at Annie’s locked door, then plunges the glass bottle into the bag, feeling around for something inside.
Shooting another glance to the door, she breaks the bottle with her foot, stamping down on the leather with a muffled smash.
She replaces the bag before darting out of the toilets.
Obi-Wan’s camera whip-pans back to film Princess Leia, who is flushing.
Patel jumps out of his skin and wobbles on the crate he is standing on. He clatters to the ground, only just saving his camera from hitting the concrete. He is face to face with Mr Branchflower, who steps in close enough that Patel can smell the alcohol on his breath.
‘I don’t know about perverts where you come from, but we don’t like Peeping Toms in this country.’
Dave pulls the rope of his dressing gown tighter and straightens up. ‘I’m from here … sir.’
‘Whatever you say … Patel. I’m going to report this either way.’
Dave steps in a little closer and sniffs. ‘You driving home … sir?’
‘Sorry?’ Branchflower’s spine stiffens.
‘Hey, Chris! Your dad on call tonight?’
Chris rounds the corner in a Freddy Krueger trilby, steak knives gaffer-taped to his goalie gloves, clattering along the brick. ‘He’s sat up at the gates waiting for takers, mate …’
‘I guess these are not the droids you’re looking for … sir.’ Patel waves a hand in Branchflower’s face as Chris Davis spits out a mouthful of Coke.
‘Get inside, both of you, I’m locking this door.’
Pearls Before Swine 1994 is in full swing and the entertainment is lighting up the stage.
Mark, dressed as Marty McFly in skinny jeans, bomber jacket and sunglasses, is on cello, accompanied by Catherine on clarinet, dressed as Doc Brown in a cotton wool wig, swimming goggles and hairdressing robe.
She is perched on a cardboard box DeLorean.
Their rendition of ‘Smooth Criminal’ by Michael Jackson is the highlight of the night so far.
By the last thumping chorus, Marty McFly is up on his feet as jumping kids punch the air.
Chanting and shouting in anticipation that ‘Annie would be OK. Is she OK? Is she OK, Annie?’ 279
Annie Maddock waits in the wings. She seems fine, if a little sweaty under all of Princess Leia’s layers, but she is nervous for her solo.
Lynette, or rather Sarah Connor, in her mum’s stretch wig, has opted for a lip sync of ‘Bat Out of Hell’ by Meat Loaf for her performance.
She’s waving a red silk scarf around while her brother, Chris, circles on his mountain bike, fanning her with a piece of cardboard as a makeshift wind machine.
It’s somewhat underwhelming. To add insult to injury Chris attempts to steal her thunder by thrashing his Freddy Krueger glove around, which catches on Lynette’s wig, yanking it off.
She kicks his back wheel and his bike crashes into the boom box, but he saves face by pretending it was all planned.
The whole mess of a routine is more comedic than rock’n’roll.
The twins leave the stage, on the verge of a punch-up.
But then Lynette’s attention is drawn back to the spotlight.
This is the moment she’s been waiting for.
Princess Leia in ballet shoes stands serenely with her arms crossed over her heart, her eyes cast demurely downwards.
Patel moves slowly around the perimeter of the room as the love theme from Return of the Jedi oozes out of the speakers.
The spotlight illuminates the pristine white tablecloth toga as Annie raises her arms like an angel. Patel zooms in closer.
Across the room, a figure in a long black gown that drapes from neck to floor is standing dead still.
The grey mask completely covering the face is startling: it’s peppered with vicious-looking six-inch nails.
The chest plate over the black velvet jacket is shaped like a ribcage.
As if on wheels, the dark shape glides across the floor towards Patel.
Hellraiser closes in on Obi-Wan: the stand-off of movie heroes and villains is about to come to a head.
As Patel follows the ethereal Leia in a series of flourishing turns around the room, a face suddenly looms into the lens.
Close up, 280 the homemade costume reveals its crudeness.
The nails sticking out of the grey rubber mask have been fixed with gaffer tape and the velvet ball gown is more Alexis Carrington from Dynasty than Pinhead.
Ben has strung together a ribcage made from half-chewed dog bones dipped in ketchup.
The result is both terrifying and a bit stinky.
‘Outside, Patel … NOW.’ The inside of Ben Knot’s mouth is black. He’s chewed on an ink cartridge for maximum effect.
Patel pulls up Obi-Wan’s hood and covers his face.
‘Later. I’m busy.’ He turns his back on Ben and lifts the camera to carry on filming Annie’s performance.
Ben Knot grabs him by the shoulder and yanks him back around.
Patel snaps and shoves Knot away. As Ben loses his balance, his foot catches on the gown and he tumbles backwards.
A sickening crunch is heard as he hits the ground hard.
‘Ah … my wrist!’
Patel piles on top of Knot, layers of brown terry towelling and black velvet flying and tearing as a full-on scrap breaks out. Patel’s camera skids across the floor into a pair of Converse trainers belonging to Marty McFly.
Cherry picks up the camera and trains it on Patel and Knot.
This is all his doing. This is exactly what he had orchestrated.
He couldn’t have hoped for a more satisfying revenge.
He intended to film it and watch it over and over again, revelling in his victory.
They had always underestimated him, but he had caused all of this.
Let them beat the crap out of each other and ruin Annie Maddock’s star turn on the dance floor. Let them suffer.
‘Aaarrggh!’ A high-pitched scream pierces through the chants and jeers of the Jedi Masters’ fight.
Annie is sitting on the floor, clutching her foot.
The hem of Princess Leia’s white gown is spotted with red, and as Annie removes her ballet shoe, it becomes 281 clear why.
The shoe is soaked in blood, and the toes that emerge are almost black.
‘Oh my God, what happened?’ Catherine rushes up and kneels down to help her sister. Cat picks up one of her shoes. ‘There’s broken glass in your pointe shoe, Annie.’ Her head whips around the circle. ‘Who did this?’
Lynette grins to herself from the dark corner of the room. Patel and Knot have stopped fighting and Knot is sliding around trying to get up as Dave Patel frantically searches for his camera. Ben charges up on to the stage and tries to pick Annie up from the floor.
‘GET OFF ME!’ Annie, in floods of tears, tries to stand but the pain in her foot is excruciating. ‘Why can’t you just leave me alone? What is your problem?’
Catherine puts a hand on Annie’s shoulder to calm her down. Ben reels, his fists ball, and for a second it seems as if he’s going to retaliate, but instead he turns and smashes out through the double doors of the school hall. The humiliation is unbearable. Patel watches him go.
The strip lights in the hall flicker on and the music is cut. Branchflower totters on to the stage, half-cut, as the sound of fireworks diverts everyone’s attention.
‘All right, everyone, outside!’ He looks in horror at the blood on the floor, more concerned about the mess than making sure Annie is OK.
As the kids stream out of the school hall, Patel lingers.
He is torn. Half of him wants to step in and be Annie’s hero: this might just be his one and only chance.
The other half of him is desperate to pursue Ben Knot and finally show him who’s boss.
As he turns to leave, he comes face to face with Lynette Davis.
She’s leaning on the wall, chewing gum as a nasty smile spreads across her face. Catherine clocks it. 282
She stares at Lynette. ‘You did this?’ She stands and moves towards her. ‘What is wrong with you?’
‘Little slag deserved it.’ Lynette’s head turns to Patel. ‘Right?’
Before she has chance to blink, a hand swipes hard across her face in a vicious slap. Lynette strikes back at Catherine, but she ducks and lurches towards the door and Lynette sprints out after her.
There’s a sudden explosion outside and the last screaming gaggle of kids swarms out into the night.
Dave and Annie are left alone as the fireworks begin.