Page 37 of The Cruel Dawn (Vallendor #2)

“I’m glad that you’re honest about that.” He chuckles bitterly. “I’ve seen what I am. I feel this poison inside of me, and I fight it every day, but it’s spreading because I’m alive. Soon, I’ll destroy everything you’re trying to save.”

“We’ll find a way to stop it,” I say, “to stop him. You’re not alone.”

Jadon’s eyes meet mine, and for a moment, I see the blacksmith I once knew, who’d fought beside me, who’d believed in something greater.

But then his face darkens like storm clouds.

“This sickness—-it is me,” he says. “You can’t separate us.

I’m the rot. I’m the ruin. The only way to save this realm is to destroy me. ”

He’s right about that, too.

The sickness within him rises again, and the forest flickers around us—bright and green one moment, shadowed and dying the next.

I pull my hand away, and it’s now speckled with small bruises. I lie back on the thick grass and stare at the pinpoints of light in the sky.

It’s up to me to figure out who I’ll hurt for.

I point to the brightest speck in the sky. “That’s the realm of Lerango. It’s not that different from Vallendor. Mountains, oceans, forests… The people hunt and craft, farm and sing. A cousin on my mother’s side is Grand Steward there. Pretty easy job. And then…”

I slide my finger across the canvas of night, stopping at the bloom of light that sits on top of a pine tree.

“And that’s Sianiodin. I haven’t visited yet—it’s a real shithole.

Swamps. Not just the landscape but the thinking, the lack of thinking, the corruption and depression.

Once the daystar and nightstar decide to stop walking there, Elyn will go there to read the decree of destruction, and then the Mera will come and—”

I snap my fingers. “And that will be the end of Sianiodin. Maybe I’ll get to visit before that happens and see it for myself.”

Jadon’s holding a wilted cluster of white tuberoses.

He tosses them to me, and their deaths are quickly reversed as they land on my chest. He stares at me, full of thoughts that I don’t try to untangle.

I contend with my own knotted thinking. I want this.

I don’t want this. Let go. Don’t let go.

I brush the renewed bundle of blooms across my lips and hold Jadon’s gaze.

His warm eyes focus on my neck again.

I drag the flowers down my chin, along the curve of my jaw and down to my throat. His eyes follow.

The towel I wear falls away. I skim the flowers along my breasts, down to my belly and between my hipbones.

“One of my favorite places,” he whispers.

“I remember.” I pause. Isn’t he curious about where I’ve been, who I’ve seen? Who I’ve been with? I have to tell him. “I reunited with someone in Gasho from before.”

Jadon doesn’t speak for a long time. Then: “Him?”

“Yes. His name is Zephar and…” I swallow, but my mouth stays dry. “I was very happy to see him again. To see all of my warriors again.”

“I’m sure they— he —missed you.”

I search the skies for the words. There are no clues in Lerango and certainly not in Sianiodin. “Zephar and I reunited, but not in all ways… Not yet.”

Jadon nods, staring intently at me, laid bare before him.

“Because I still think of you. I still think of us, and sometimes, I wish… I close my eyes and…”

He whispers, “Show me.”

I imagine that my hand is Jadon’s hand, that my fingers are his, and I imagine that he is caressing my skin, that these fingers are his, slipping inside of me and stroking me. My amulet burns so bright between my breasts that all of Vallendor can see its glow.

Jadon whispers my name, and I whisper his, and I can almost remember how he feels inside me.

The earth rumbles beneath us, and I finally open my eyes and look at him.

His eyes are bright, his gaze jumping between my hands and my eyes; I know that, like me, he wants his hand to be my hand.

I’m a moment away from pulling him to me, into me, but that rumble inside of me becomes a crashing wave, and it slams over me, over and over again.

He whispers, “Fuck,” between breaths until he emits a staggered gasp.

We lie there, both satisfied and unsatisfied, as the air chills our damp skin.

“Will I ever touch you again?” he whispers.

Who I’ll hurt for…

“I don’t know.” I close my eyes, and a teardrop rolls back into my ear.

…

Even with my eyes closed, white light blinds me.

I sit up, my head swimming, fire igniting along my spine. With stiff fingers, I twist the towel around my chest, wincing as my joints protest.

Jadon sleeps, and the grass is brown and dead beneath him.

I stand, stifling a groan as my bones creak. I shield my eyes against that unrelenting white light with a sore hand.

The light glows brightest over at the bluff where red cardinals are fluttering, where Elyn stands at the cliff, her fists curled on her hips.

I totter over to her, pulse racing. “What’s wrong?”

She looks me up and down, scowling. “You should see yourself right now.”

Wait. Why am I now looking up at her? Where’s the Librum —?

I bring my knees stiffly to my chest as my blood oozes through me like mud.

Elyn stands over me and shakes her head. “Was it worth it, Kai?”

My eyes fill with hot tears. “What’s happening to me?” It hurts even to whisper.

“You’re dying, idiot.” Elyn stoops to press her hands on my stomach and the small of my back. “That luclite thread in your hair acted as armor and protected your head and neck. That probably saved your life.”

A warm energy from Elyn’s fingers travels up and down my spine, healing the broken parts of me. My mind clears, my throat loosens, and I can breathe again.

She helps me stand, and once I get my legs under me, she pushes me away. “You’ve risked all of our safety, you know that? I’m not here to be your nursemaid. I’m not Separi.”

“I know.” I stumble away from her like a new colt. “The Librum ?”

She lifts my pack from the ground. “You mean the one in here? This same bag that I found sitting on the bluff, unattended?”

“Oh, no.” I rub my aching temples with sore fingers.

“You cannot be this close to him, Kai,” Elyn spits. “He draws strength from you like he pulled life from those sunflowers we passed. Those flowers died, remember? So did this grass, the birds, everything .”

I sink to my knees. “I know—”

“No, you don’t know,” she says, the intricate braid Separi made loosening.

“You told me that we should be together—”

“I didn’t mean go out and fuck Miasma.” She throws up her hands, breathing hard.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

“Shit, Kai.” She clenches her fists. “Do you understand—”

“Yes,” I whisper, my mind racing. “I love him.”

“But—”

“He’s the weapon, I know,” I say, watching the grass turn green beneath my knees. “I’m sorry. I fucked up. But I’ve learned. I promise you that I have.”

“Jadon’s not just a weapon,” Elyn says. “He is the weapon. He is certain death.” Elyn kneels beside me.

“The truth is cruel, Kai. I know how you feel about him, but Jadon Rrivae was not meant to live, nor to have a life with the Grand Defender and Lady of the Verdant Realm. What will happen if I’m not around to save you next time?

You will perish, and Vallendor will perish with you.

” Her gold eyes soften, and she takes my bruised hand.

“So don’t do this again, Kai. Please. I truly am sorry about all of this. ”

And for the first time in a long time…I believe her.