Page 20 of The Countess's Awakening (The Lovers’ Arch #3)

CHAPTER 20

E sther awoke, still floating in the haze of satisfaction their lovemaking had created. It must be early morning, because the light that filtered through her closed eyelids was still dim. Without opening her eyes, she reached for Kai, seeking his warmth, the comfort of his embrace. Only to find emptiness and cool sheets. It was enough to make her open her eyes and scan the room.

Kai was nowhere to be found. Did the man have to be so blasted disciplined? Couldn’t he have slept in today? After the activities of the previous night, she thought they well deserved to sleep in. He had been insatiable last night. Even waking in the middle of the night to slowly arouse her until she was begging for him, and then curling around her, taking her from behind, stroking slowly, lazily, until their desire overflowed and spilled like water gurgling from a spring.

With a groan of exhaustion, she rolled over, intending to get up and go in search of her insatiable lover. The door to the bedroom opened, and the man who had filled her fantasies and her body all night long walked in. Fresh from a bath and casually dressed in his trousers and shirt, carrying a tray with tea.

“Good morning,” he said with a small smile. “I’ve brought you some tea.”

She returned his smile with a wide grin. “Good morning, Kai. Tea sounds lovely.”

He came over and deposited the tea tray on the small table by the bed. She reached out to him for a hug and a kiss when he drew near, but even though his arms wrapped around her and his mouth gave her a peck, there was a faint but distinct coolness in his demeanor.

She shook her head. No doubt she was imagining things. After the heat of last night, everything would feel cooler in comparison. He was just being his usual reserved self. But she tucked the sheet around her naked body, feeling unaccountably shy.

She took a sip of tea, noting that he had prepared it exactly how she liked it, not overly sweet and with a splash of milk. She savored the bracing hot drink.

“We need to talk, Esther.”

Cold dread licked down her spine, lodging in her stomach in a ball of ice that not even the heat of the tea could melt. At that moment she knew with certainty that something had shifted since last night, like a chilly wind frosting early spring flowers to their death. She swallowed another sip of tea, not daring to respond. Maybe if she ignored his overture, he would not pursue this topic.

No such mercy.

“You have completely recovered now. I think it’s time to return to England.”

Her heart did a little flip at the mention of England.

“Oh, of course.” She was eager to return. To see her daughter again. But still, something didn’t feel right. “How soon can you leave? Do you have to give notice at the hospital or—”

“I won’t be going.”

Her contentment vanished in a cloud of smoke. The inkling of cold dread turned into a solid certainty.

“Wh-why? I mean… I know you have your home and your work here. But I thought…”

What had she thought? That he would leave everything for her? He had never said he would. Had never made any promises beyond what they shared. They had never even defined what they felt.

“Esther.” His voice was as calm and reasonable as ever. It commanded her scattering thoughts, but she didn’t want to listen to him being rational.

She shook her head, lifting out a hand, palm out, as if she could shield herself from his words.

“I’m sorry.” He didn’t sound so calm now. He was sitting on the chair by the bed, head down, his elbows on his knees, hands clasping each other as if to provide support or comfort. “Don’t think this is easy for me. But it’s for the best. You and I simply don’t belong to the same worlds.”

“Why?” she said again, even though she realized the futility of questioning reality. “Why can’t we be together? Surely, there must be a way.”

His gaze lifted and froze her with the torment she saw there. “You don’t need me to explain why. You must know that society will condemn our relationship. People will gossip about you. Your reputation will be sullied. Your standing in society affected.”

“Well, if we continue as we are, yes. But if we marry, the scandal will eventually die out.”

A teasing smile broke upon his face. “Esther, are you proposing to me?”

Oh, good God, she was so foolish. And completely out of line. He had never mentioned loving her, or wanting to marry her, or even wanting anything permanent. Violent embarrassment flooded her face.

“I’m sorry. You are right. I’m being presumptuous.” She tightened the sheet around her, attempting to slip out of bed decently covered. Suddenly, her nakedness had become too vulnerable.

He was on her instantly. His arms gathered her to his chest, holding her so tightly the beating of his heart reverberated through her body.

“Forgive me, love. I didn’t mean to embarrass you.” He rocked them together, his face buried in the tangled mass of her hair. She gloried in his warmth, reveled in his closeness. But too soon, his arms loosened. He brought his hands to cradle her cheeks, lifting her face to meet his gaze. His lips were not smiling now.

“You honor me with your proposal, with your presence in my life. These past few months with you…they have been the happiest of my life. If circumstances were different, I would have gone down on my knees long ago and begged you to be my wife. I love you. I love you so much that I can’t accept your proposal, knowing what it would cost you.”

She shook her head. “It’s a price I’m willing to pay.”

“Maybe you are. But are you willing to let Elizabeth pay it as well?”

The air left her in a single, broken gasp, and she could not pull it back in. With his usual precision, he had cut to the heart of the matter. Shame, doubt, despair, loss. Everything was attacking her at once.

Was she being selfish? Was she putting her happiness above that of her daughter? How had she failed to consider how her standing in society would affect Elizabeth? Oh God, what kind of terrible mother was she?

With sinking despair, she knew she could never endanger her daughter’s happiness. But the thought of leaving Kai made her chest ache as if something vital had been torn from it.

She raised tear-filled eyes to him. “There must be a way,” she insisted.

He didn’t answer. Merely stood and walked to the door. He stopped for a second with his back to her, the doorknob in his hand. “I’ll leave you to get dressed in privacy.” Then he was gone, taking all the warmth in the room with him.

Esther had never dressed so fast in her life. Not bothering to call for her maid, she simply threw on a dressing gown over her shift and hurried after Wang. She didn’t know what she had expected, but it wasn’t to find him in the kitchen, calmly kneading dough.

“Would you like some breakfast? It will be ready in a few minutes,” he said as she barged into the kitchen, his voice maddeningly even, as if their lives weren’t unraveling right in front of them.

“No, I don’t want bloody breakfast. What I want is to talk.”

A half smile pulled one corner of his mouth. “You are cursing.”

“Damn right I am! And don’t you dare lecture me,” she said, pointing at him with a finger.

This time, his smile was full, reaching his eyes. “I think I rather prefer you angry than sad.”

“Don’t joke about this, Kai. We need to find a solution to our situation.”

“You want to change the world. But that is not possible. The world is the way it is, and we must adapt.”

“Poppycock! Weren’t you the one who made the statement about stealing a tiger’s cub?.” She advanced on him, rounding the table where he was placing small little dumplings onto a tray. “We need to fight for what we want. You taught me that. You made me keep going when my strength faltered, when I didn’t believe I could do it.”

“Some battles can be won, and those are worth fighting. Others are a lost cause before one even starts. A wise person discerns the difference between the two.”

She planted her hand on her hips. “Is this another one of your Chinese proverbs?”

He looked at her with a frown. “No, it’s simple common sense.”

“It’s cowardice. It’s giving up before one has even tried.”

He turned to her then. “What would you have me do, then? Fight for you? It’s what I want to do with every fiber of my being. But doing that will ultimately be a disservice to you and your daughter. If our relationship hurts her, you will hate yourself and resent me. Trust me, Esther, fighting for you would be the easiest thing to do. That would take no courage at all. Letting you go, on the other hand, takes almost more than I have.”

The raw pain in his eyes took her aback. He was not calm at all. He was only pretending to be. Trying to be strong. For her. A wave of tenderness and sadness washed over her. She placed her hand on his naked forearm, exposed by his rolled-up sleeve. The muscles there tensed under her touch.

“At least come back to England with me. We will think of something. Maybe we can introduce you to society in small steps.”

Wang shook his head. “You were there yesterday, Esther. You heard the murmurs, saw the forced smiles, and the pointed avoidance. Even among common folk, the sentiment toward Chinese people is deteriorating. Do you really think those people are ever going to accept me in their rarefied circles?”

“It will be different in England.”

Wang scoffed. “It will be worse.”

“Not necessarily. And Colin will help, I’m sure. With the support of the Earl of Hartfield, you will gain entry to society.”

“Colin has his own problems to contend with. He’s newly married and is expecting a baby. I refuse to burden him further.”

“Maybe we can keep our relationship quiet for a while.” She was grasping at straws now. “Until we find a way to introduce you to society, or Elizabeth marries.”

“That won’t work. It could take years for Elizabeth to marry, and I don’t think we’ll be able to keep our relationship a secret. The truth has a way of coming out.”

Only a lifetime of training in decorum prevented Esther from stomping her feet or raging at the fates. But just barely. Everything she suggested, Wang rejected. She was running out of arguments. She tried to hold on to the remnants of what they had, but they slipped through her fingers like sand.

“At least give me hope that someday in the future, maybe after Elizabeth marries, we can be together again.” Her voice trembled, defeated. She sounded like a beggar, but she was beyond pride or even dignity.

He placed a finger under her chin, then slowly lifted it until their eyes met. To her shame, two fat tears slipped down her cheeks and fell on his hand.

“Don’t cry, my love. I will always be here for you should you ever need me. But don’t live your life thinking about me, waiting for what might be. Go forth and live. Attend balls, go on picnics. Do all those things you couldn’t do before. Dance, be happy. And enjoy the time with your daughter.”

She could tell him she needed him now. But she recognized his firm determination. He was the most disciplined man she knew. And besides, he might be right. Maybe she was being emotional and irrational. Despair was rising within her like a black tide, but she refused to fall apart in front of him. The least she could do was match his strength with her own.

She nodded jerkily. “Very well, then. I shall move to a hotel this afternoon and buy passage back to England on the next available ship.”

That drew a frown from him. “I am not throwing you out of my house, Esther. You can stay here until you leave. I shall help you buy the ticket and will escort you to the ship.”

She could not imagine a more harrowing scene than saying goodbye at the docks. And staying here with him, knowing their relationship had ended? No. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t even breathe at the prospect.

“No. I can’t stay.”

“Esther, I will not leave you alone in New York—”

She lifted her chin. “Why not? You think me incapable of taking care of myself? I’m an adult, and thanks to you, not an invalid anymore. I shall be fine.”

“But you are a lady. You have been sheltered all your life. And you are in an unfamiliar city. The dangers—”

“Colin’s mother was a lady as well. Yet she left her husband and her country, taking her son, who was still a child and in need of care. Am I less capable than her?”

She knew she had stumped him when he frowned, and his gaze skittered away. “The situations are different.”

“No, they aren’t. We are both women leaving the man we love because we think it’s what’s best for our child. What you are saying is that I am different. Less capable. Not as intrepid or dashing. And maybe I am not. But don’t underestimate me because I’m quiet.”

His eyes were tender, and his lopsided smile sad as he brushed a lock of her wild hair out of her face. “I never have, Xiǎo Lù . I just want to protect you, that’s all.”

She captured his hand, removed it from her face. Closed her eyes. “You gave up that right.”

“At least let me know where you’ll be staying and when you plan to depart,” he asked, the first notes of despair threading through his tone. “We need to let Colin know as soon as you have the ticket, so that the telegram arrives in time for him to be waiting for you—”

She placed a finger over his lips. She wasn’t sure if her motive was to stop the words, or if she simply wanted an excuse to touch him.

“I shall notify you. Don’t worry about me.”