Page 9

BETWEEN THE INHALE AND THE EXHALE

WREN

“ L et me out! Please! I’ll…I’ll be good! Please! They won’t be quiet! It hurts! Please!” The crackling pain in the young girl’s voice is clear through the thick, stone door, though I can see nothing through the fog of memory filling my brain.

A man’s voice responds, low and sweet, but firm.

“Ah, Ceridwen. I would if I were able. Just a little longer, child. Just a little longer. You can’t come out yet.

You know that. Not quite yet. You have plenty of friends to keep you company though, don’t you.

” It’s not a question. The man’s voice is teasing, affectionate, an odd countermelody to the panic from the locked room.

“I don’t like it in here! Please! I’m scared…” Her begging does nothing, and less than nothing. She collapses into young, heartbroken sobs. “I want…I want my mother…”

His voice sharpens, an edge where before there were only curves.

“Ceridwen. We have been over this. You have no mother.

The woman chosen by the Gods to birth you and guard you ‘til your milk teeth fall is just a vessel for their will. Only children born of blood have mothers. You are a blessing in human form. A piece of the Gods made flesh. If she keeps distracting you from your purpose, perhaps she will serve you better as an Offering. Your only family should be bone, child.”

It is a threat. And it is a promise.

There is no answer but tears, and I can hear the smiling satisfaction in his voice. “Stay with the bones just a little longer, Ceridwen. Just a little longer, like a good girl, and then you can come out. When you are ready. Just a candle more, and then you can return to your room.”

“...please…” It is a whisper of sound, and he replies in the same — so soft, so gentle, such a silken blade.

“Ceridwen…”

“Where have you gone, BoneKeeper?” His voice is older, but familiar enough to pull me back to myself in a woosh of sound and noise, and I frown, pushing the echoes away.

What is happening to me? I’m feeling…I’m feeling .

Breathing shallowly, I try to repeat a mantra, to calm my heart.

My body is for other’s memories only. There is no space for my own.

Reaching out, I force my fingers to remain steady and tap a twisting ulna, hanging from the wall at an odd angle.

“Your father.”

Raek starts, evidently surprised by my response. “What?” The confusion in his voice is almost enough to make me smile. Almost.

“He hangs in the balance. Unsure of what choice to make. Follow your mother down her path, or stay to see where his sons choose to walk. He is…” and now I do smile, a twisting, disappointed sneer, as I am permitted expressions given from the bones.

“He is, he says, unimpressed with the way his children have grown.”

There is little he can offer in response, but his hands flex into white fists, rage electric in his body.

Nickolas, however, does not have his older brother’s restraint, and shouts in protest before Raek is able to quiet him.

“Perhaps…perhaps you could elaborate on that?” The words are tight with anger, forced out in a biting tone.

My fingers still rest on the ulna, but I shake my head. “He says no . To have lost your mother, and still stay focused on the wrong thing…he does not know you anymore, just cautions you to remember your people .”

Raek’s eyes narrow, weighing his fury against his logic.

For a long moment, the outcome is uncertain, but in the end, his willpower is strong enough to overcome his outrage.

Taking a deep breath, he bows to his father’s bones, and mutters, albeit reluctantly, “I will do better. Thank you for your counsel.” There is a long, long pause as he thinks through his next move, but eventually he turns to me, face a carefully constructed masque of entreaty.

“ BoneKeeper .” His voice could not be described as hesitant — Councilman Raek will never show weakness, even with empty silos and the gaunt faces of his people showing their skeletons before him.

But… but . He has an edge that was not there before, an edge that did not exist prior to his mother silencing herself and his father publicly censuring him.

He clears his throat, tries to refocus, to take control of the fast unraveling situation.

“BoneKeeper,” he repeats, “all else aside. We have gotten distracted from the desperation plaguing our village. Will you not ask the bones to help us with this? We must find a way.”

It sounds like truth in his words, and is echoed in the faces of the Council behind him. Nothing but death and further death are before them if I cannot find an answer written in the marrow. Still, poisoned plants have flowers.

“What do you propose?” I ask, moving away from the Ancestors' Wall to stand in the center of the waiting Councilmen.

One of Raek’s supporters, Malik, speaks, voice condensing, as though talking to a child.

“You must give up visitation voluntarily, so the people know we are united on this.” There is a murmur of agreement from the few men closest to him, giving him false confidence.

“There is no problem currently greater than the shortages. This should take precedence over anything else.”

“Precedence over anything else?” It is astounding how stupid they think I am, to offer brackish sludge in a cup and expect me to willingly trade them pure water for it.

“Anything,” Raek snaps, clearly frustrated with my unusual recalcitrance. I nod, seemingly acquiescing.

“If the Council requests it, I will try to consider it. Such a draconian measure, though…” I let my voice trail away, then shake my head sadly, theatrically.

“The bones call out against it. Perhaps…” A spark of an idea flaring to life inside me, far below the surface.

The breadcrumbs I leave in my hesitation are picked up by one of the oldest members of the group .

Rexus, a withered, gentle man the others tend to treat as a relic from a bygone era, asks respectfully, “BoneKeeper? Do you have any suggestions?”

“I cannot take away Visitation.” I answer slowly.

Shadows have no emotion. I remind myself, inhaling slowly.

On the exhale, I force away the feelings that are clinging to me like spiderwebs.

Shadows have no fear, show no love, have no friends, keep no enemies.

I am a servant of the Earth and Sun. A vessel for their gifts.

There should be no room inside me for my own wants and desires; my whole existence is as conduit for others.

Nothing more, nothing less. It is a lesson I have had to learn over and over and over again.

I…am not a good student. But our Gods are brutal teachers, and are not hesitant to carve their message into my bones.

The Council takes a single breath, ready to protest as one body.

I ignore their collective reaction and continue.

“I will…I will spend more time with the bones. If you release the Council’s current restrictions and demands on my time, it will enable me to both do visitations and question the bones.

” They exchange anxious looks, not entirely sure of what I am asking for, and I have to fight to keep my face unresponsive.

Stupid, stupid, to lock the front gate but leave the back door open.

“We –” Raek starts carefully, trying to feel out my request, but Nickolas cuts him off abruptly, a rare thing which causes his brother’s eyes to flare open in surprise and anger.

“Absolutely not. You don’t make demands of us . Remember your place!” Spittle flies from his mouth, landing at my feet, and it takes everything in me not to recoil. But my answer is stone, and causes him to surge toward me in response.

“My… place ?” His command, even in these uncertain times, is astounding.

“You clearly need no assistance from me, Councilmen. Yours is a matter for the living flesh. As such, I will take your recommendation and return to my place . With the bone, and nowhere else.” Above, the mountain shifts, causing the skeletons on the wall to audibly crackle.

It is nothing more than normal settling, but the Council freezes at the sound, cold terror washing over their faces.

And suddenly a rush of words burst out from them, pushing past each other to rebuke Nickolas’ disrespect, loud enough that the Earth and Sun can hear them.

Their fear ignites dissent, even from Raek’s supporters.

“Do you make decisions for the entire Council now, Brother Nickolas?” one of the men asks, voice low, dripping with venom.

“And to offer such disrespect to the Keeper in front of living Bone. Our apologies–“ this last, directed at me. “We do not all desecrate the gift given us from Earth and Sun.” I don’t bother replying. Words are easy things. Actions are harder. My lack of response only serves to further incite them. Raek’s eyes flick back and forth between his brother, the Council, and me, standing stone still in the middle of the chaos, clearly unbothered.

He comes to a quick decision, stepping in front of Nickolas, and holds up his hands in the symbol of peace.

“He is lost to grief, Brothers.” Soothing, apologetic, rational.

And purposeful, so purposeful. A consummate Councilman.

“Of course he speaks out of turn. We would never presume — of course it is a decision of the Twelve.” A guttural sound escapes Nickolas, but Raek does not turn around, still facing the rest of the Council.

“I propose a temporary vote, until all have returned and we can convene as a group. Should we offer more…unhindered…time so the Keeper may question the bones? So the people can see our willingness to do whatever it takes to fix this problem?” He places emphasis on the last sentence, and the others pick up his meaning with little trouble.

I clear my throat softly, interrupting, and they turn as one man. “Time, yes. But place is just as important. If you want solutions, I must have access to all the bones.”

I can hear the grinding of teeth, see the clenching jaws, and suppress a grin.

They have painted themselves into a corner.

To agree with me will mean letting me wander where my feet will take me, giving me permission to speak with those they have kept from me, hidden and secreted away.

To disagree would make it seem as though they have sided with Nickolas, whose words shook the mountain.

“BoneKeeper,” Nickolas tries to recover, false concern sour in his voice. “We only think of your safety. ”

And now I really do smile, the expression so rare that the men startle like a flock of birds sensing approaching danger, but unable to see the hunter. “Well then, Councilman. It is nice to have your support. Because it is a marrow truth that I am safest with the bones of our people.”

There is no argument. To do so would be to speak against the Gods.

Raek looks furious, but wisely keeps his mouth pressed tightly shut, and, finally, briefly inclines his head.

All others but Nickolas follow suit; he is the only one who does not move, watching me through rabid eyes, lip curled up and nostrils flared.

I am too practiced to react, and stand motionless, face open and soft, waiting for the decision.

“As you will, Keeper,” Raek finally says, words snapped from a biting mouth. “Do what you must to find what we seek.” He chokes on the next, but forces himself to continue. “We will let the Protectors know. All the bones are available to you. Until the full Council is home.”

All the bones .

With those simple words, the world shifts slightly under my feet. Between the inhale and the exhale, everything has changed.

Everything has changed.