Page 158 of The Blairville Legacies

Somehow, all the chaos from this morning seemed to be settling on my body. Or maybe it had been the afternoon class at Gloria’s in the Councils District...

I shouldn’t have thought about it, because my hands started to shake, and I let them disappear under the table, trying to pinch them between my legs to make it stop. But it didn’t stop. It only got worse.

Suddenly my hands got cold, literally pricking.

This feeling was completely foreign to me, but reminded me strongly of my panic attacks, which I hadn’t had in a few weeks.

There was something new. It felt like it was about to rip through my chest and erupt out of me.

I was breathing in hard, barely getting any air.

Focus on eating, Julie. Come on.

“Julie?” Grace touched my arm but immediately let go.

“You’re cold as ice...” she blurted out in shock.

My shivering intensified, and the stinging in my chest threatened to overwhelm me. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I jumped up.

“Julie...” Amara wanted to say something, but I couldn’t stay here a second longer. I rushed out of the dining room, up the grand staircase to the last floor, where I entered my room just in time, slamming the door behind me so hard that I’m sure it was heard throughout the entire house.

But none of that mattered anymore as I looked in horror at my arms, which had turned blue.

The cool sensation came impulsively, and when I realized it was the rhythm of my heart, my breathing quickened.

What was happening to me?

A soft crack sounded, and my pendant fell to the ground.

And then it happened. The moment when everything inside me seemed to come loose. It was as if I was finally letting go of all the pent-up frustration inside me, a painful but also incredibly liberating process.

My eyes widened as the water from my aquarium instantly shot up into the air and solidified into ice. The shimmering golden fish now looked like a shimmering work of art, victims of a brutal artist. Victims of a violence that had to come from me.

Panicked, I looked at my blue hands, then back at the aquarium.

The trembling had stopped. For a moment, everything seemed to stand still.

And then memories flashed through my mind, pulling me back in time to the trigger of the countless panic attacks that had accompanied me ever since.

“Shh, Mommy can’t hear you.”

I shook my head in panic, trying to focus on my hands that were shaking again, blue as if I were frozen.

“Don’t make it so hard for me...”

The space I had just gained in my chest filled again with pain, which robbed me of the last air I could breathe.

I was weak. This feeling had power over me. It ate and ate…always a bit more of my bleeding, scarred soul.

And the next thing I knew, I felt chaos,unbridled chaos.

“Just close your eyes, girl.”

I screamed as loud as I could.

My voice broke, and along with it, the ice of the aquarium, so that the container of glass was carried away and shattered on the floor. The ice dissolved into water as I moved, flooding my entire room floor.

I stumbled back against my window sill. My eyes wandered to the door of the room, which had opened a crack.