Page 63 of The Best Worst Thing

Tough Love

Holy shit, Nicole.”

“I know,” she said.

Nicole was curled up in a ball at the foot of her bed, falling apart.

And for the past hour, her best friend had just stood there, watching her do it.

Nicole had spilled everything. And when there was nothing left to say, no more questions to answer or memories to unfurl, Mari sat down next to Nicole, reached for one of Nero’s abandoned tennis balls, and carefully exhaled.

“I think Gabe has a point,” she said.

“What?” Nicole stared at her. “What do you mean?”

“Listen, I’m on your team. I’m just saying, he’s calling you guys out on this bizarro technicality.

He’s saying, Logan doesn’t get to have you if things had played out in this other, more reasonable way.

But here’s the thing—they didn’t. It’s like asking Gabe if he still screws that same particular dog walker if you guys already had two kids in the house—and no Nero.

You’re both trying to make this black and white, but it’s not.

And I know you didn’t start this war. But honestly, so what if you had?

Do you really want to go back to the way things were? ”

“No, it’s just …”

Mari set down the tennis ball and shook her head.

“This thing with Logan … I never thought, in a million years, that it would end up like this. I knew, after you came clean about the baby, that you guys were in way over your heads. But even then, I thought you were going to maybe date him for a few months, that’s all.

That night, when I dragged you to his house, I just wanted you to do something for yourself.

To have some fun. To realize there was a whole world out there besides Gabe and trying to have a baby and all that.

But there is so much you never told me. I had no idea that you … ”

Nicole held her breath and braced for it.

“How long have you loved him, Nicole?”

She closed her eyes. She didn’t know the answer.

She’d loved him since September, that much was clear.

She’d been sure of it, that Labor Day Weekend in his bedroom, when the only thing she wanted was to stop time, to slow their summer down.

And a couple of weeks before that, back in August—that night in the ocean, shivering in his steady arms—she must’ve been close.

She must’ve, in some way, already understood there was no turning back.

But before that? Before that night at his door?

When she tried to chart her heartlines, when she tried to make sense of the mess she’d made, her memories went haywire.

They played back differently—influenced, distorted.

Falling in love could do that. Make you see things a bit more clearly.

Make you see things you missed the first time around.

Maybe even make you see things that were never really there at all.

“I loved Gabe,” she said. “I loved my husband, okay?”

Mari sat there, nodding. “You can tell me the truth, I promise.”

“That is the truth!” Nicole rose to her feet and began to pace.

“I loved him! I loved Gabe! I picked the life I had planned out. I made a commitment to him, and I kept it! And now I’m worse than him?

I’m the one tearing us apart? He ruined everything!

Does nobody remember that? That he’s been cheating on me for ten fucking years?

That I went through hell to give him a baby, and he lied to me every step of the way? ”

Mari stood up and placed her hand on Nicole’s wrist. Nicole hurled it right off.

“No! It’s not fair! It’s not fucking fair!

Nobody understands what he put me through!

What he let me throw away for him! I am so tired of making excuses for him.

Why does everyone want me to forgive him?

Is it because I’m barren? Because his dad never gave a shit about him?

Because his mom’s a cold, heartless bitch?

Do people just not know what to do with themselves when a thirty-eight-year-old, Ivy League–educated pretty boy who’s never flown coach doesn’t get a second chance at the life served to him on a silver platter?

Do people really still hate women that much?

That I have to explain why I wanted out?

That I have to defend why I didn’t want to sit around and fix him? ”

Mari threw her hands on her head. “Nicole! You cannot be the victim forever!”

“Why the fuck not!”

“Because you don’t get to have it all, okay!

None of us do! That’s part of the deal! That’s being a woman!

You will always be leaving something on the table!

No choice you make will ever be the right one to the people who don’t give a shit about you!

So I’m going to ask you the same thing you asked me when I got cold feet about leaving Lucas, because when it comes down to it, nothing else matters. Do you want to be happy or right?”

“I don’t know, okay!” Nicole was spinning. “I don’t know!”

“I mean, Jesus, Nic. I love you so much, and I am so on your side, but would you just get out of your own way for once? Do you really want your old life back? Do you really want to be that small again? How many more years are you going to spend letting Gabe call the shots?”

“No, I don’t know, I …”

“I mean, fine. If that’s what you want, go and get it.

There’s a million reasons to stay. I’m sure you guys could make it work.

Take him up on that offer and go start over in New York.

Or stay right here and sweep all this shit under the rug.

People do it all the time. You know that better than anyone. ”

Nicole slumped onto the edge of her mattress. Mari, who’d been circling the room, came to a stop and looked right at Nicole.

“Say Gabe never cheats,” she said. “Or you just never find out. You take the right flight out of Virginia or your phone never breaks and you never know who you married. There’s no Logan.

You never see him again. He’s just your old colleague who maybe had a little thing for you.

You’re home with Gabe and your beautiful kid, and there’s no Logan.

He’s nobody. He’s just some guy from work. Is that what you want?”

Nicole was quiet.

She was quiet for a long, long time.

“Are you happier? If Gabe never cheats? If you had that first baby, no problem? If you’re a saint? If you get every little thing you thought you wanted?”

Nicole put her head in her hands.

“No,” she said.

“Then you better go fix this, Nicole. Right now.”