Page 23 of The Bells of Triumph (Highlands’ Lost Valley #3)

22

BOUND BY GUILT

“ I dinnae understand what ye mean. Ye have to go back, go back to what?”

Iona nearly caved at the gentle confusion that marked Finn's features. He looked so like his sister with his wide, inquisitive brown eyes. They were the same color as the river rock that loved to shine under the soft waves of the water. She could tell he had ridden hard and likely twice as fast as she had, just from the state of his hair. Strands stuck up at all angles, the wind having had its way with it all. She had no doubt that her own long, brown braid looked rather disheveled at the moment too, not that Finn gave any signs that he noticed or cared.

“To my father,” she explained more fully. “I have to return home to my father.”

Taken aback by her response, Finn's whole head jerked back as his mouth struggled to find the right words to say.

“Nay, ye dinnae ever have to go back there,” he finally settled on.

“Och, Finn. Ye dinnae understand,” she pleaded.

“Aye. Ye are right. I dinnae understand why ye think ye must return to that prison. If what ye have told me is true,” she winced at his insinuation, “then I am quite sure that Seamus would prefer ye never return to MacKenzie Castle or its Laird.”

How to explain the immense guilt and shame she felt, she didn't know. It felt impossible to put into words what these last several weeks around Seamus, Flora, Brid, Connor, Finn, and everyone had done to her. She had stood by the side, as always, watching as they all fought for their clan, for their people. Seamus had sacrificed nearly everything to see his clan safe and happy. Her mere presence inside the clan borders threatened everything they had just gained.

“I dinnae have time to explain it to ye. I must return,” she insisted.

It wasn't a lie or even an exaggeration. Every second she spent inside the Murray Clan was a second longer for her father to grow more furious with her disappearance. And she knew better than anyone just how irrational her father could be when he was angry.

Since she had met Seamus, he had shown her nothing but kindness and loyalty. All she had to do was say they were family, and he had treated her as such. He put his plans on hold at the cost of others, to ensure she was safe once. She wasn't going to ask him to do it again.

“Make time then,” Finn countered firmly.

Tears welled in her eyes. She knew he would never relent, never let her go without an explanation. Despite her earlier objections, they had become friends. They had shared things that she had never told another person before. She had trusted him with those secrets, perhaps now it was time to trust him with these.

“They are going to attack Seamus,” she forced out through a choked sob.

“Who is?” Finn moved closer so he could reach over his horse to grasp her limp hand. “Who is going to attack? What do ye ken? What are ye saying?”

She shook her head, her tears falling in earnest now, as she searched for the right words. Of course, Finn was consumed with protecting his clan from any invaders. And that was precisely why she had to leave as quickly as possible.

“Iona,” he tried again, “who is going to attack Seamus?”

“My father,” she blurted out.

Finn took in a deep breath, whether to calm himself or her, she didn't know, and looked at her again.

“I need ye to steady yerself, Iona. I cannae help ye unless ye tell me what is going on. And I would really like to help ye, all right? So take in a breath, calm yerself, and tell me why ye think yer father is going to attack Seamus.”

She did as he asked, sucking in all the air her lungs would allow, desperate to get through this so she could be on her way. He was right, she needed to be calm enough so she could think clearly. She might not get away without telling Finn why, but she might still be able to convince him to go with her. At least that way, she wouldn't be slowed down. She only needed to breathe and think clearly.

“I told ye that I ran away from my father,” she started.

He nodded, clearly relieved that she was forming coherent sentences again.

“But I did nae tell ye the entire reason why.”

“Ye said that he kept ye prisoner.”

“Aye. And while that was awful, I felt as though I could live with it. That was all I have ever kent, so I did nae think to want any different.”

“Then why did ye leave?”

Finn still kept a warm, comforting grip on her hand. She didn't want him to let go, not yet.

“My father has always done what he thought was best for the clan. He puts his duty to our people above any comfort, any desire of his own. And he expects the rest of his family to do the same. While some may see that as an attribute to applaud, something to look for in a Laird, it is nae the quality of a good father.”

“What are ye getting at, Iona?”

“My father and grandfather arranged a marriage for me. They claimed that it would benefit the clan greatly, but they did nae stop to see how it might impact me.”

“Do ye nae love him?”

“Love him? I can hardly stand him!” she shouted in protest.

All the emotions that had arisen when she was first told about the marriage started to resurface. Their appearance made it harder for her to want to go back, knowing that was her fate.

“He is older than my father is and has had three wives before me, who all died under mysterious circumstances. I doubt I will find an inkling of safety there.”

“Then why are ye trying to return to him?”

Finn made no effort to hide the disdain or confusion on his face.

“Because if I dinnae, my father will look like a fool to this man. And if there is one thing my father will nae stand for, it is to be made a mockery of. He will blame Seamus for my disappearance. Surely, word will have reached my father that I am here, seeking sanctuary within the Murray Clan. He will attack Seamus to regain me, but more importantly, to regain his honor.”

Scrubbing the back of his neck with his free hand, Finn looked away from her. He was finally starting to see the bigger picture and for that, she was grateful; even if it meant they would soon have to go their separate ways.

“Can ye nae see?” she continued. “The Murray Clan will only suffer the longer I stay here. My father and grandfather will stop at nothing to see me married off.”

“But we are allies. Does that nae count for something? Would they truly be so quick as to overthrow their allies?”

“Aye. They would. They dinnae care who they hurt, so long as they get what they want.”

Finn huffed in disgust. It was a sentiment she was likely to agree with, though she hesitated to show it. There was still the matter of convincing Finn to let her go back to her father, though with as much as she had shared with Finn, she worried that she had ruined any chance of that. She didn't know what it was about him that made her open up more than she was accustomed to, but it seemed that every time she opened her mouth around him, she had a hard time closing it.

“I am trying to do the right thing, Finn. I am trying to keep yer people from suffering any more than they already have. They dinnae deserve to bear my hardships along with their own.”

“But if ye go back, ye will be forced to marry this man.”

“I am sure the rumors I have heard about him are greatly exaggerated. I was too blind and nervous to see that at first, but I can see that now. Some time away, to clear my head and collect my thoughts, was all I needed. In doing so, I have put this entire clan at risk, and I would loathe to do that for a moment longer than I already have.”

“Ye are so concerned with protecting Seamus, but ye have nae discussed this with him, have ye?”

She shook her head, knowing where he was going with this, and already knowing what her answer would be.

“He has already done so much for me. I did nae want to worry him anymore than he already is.”

There was no way she could have known that Finn had uttered the same sentiment to his men only hours before. They were both trying to repay an unspoken debt to Seamus, whether he knew it or not.

“I was being selfish. It was irrational of me to run away without any thought of the people I was running to. I was too naive to see that my actions would have consequences on whomever I went. But I see that now, and I want to rectify what I have done.”

“Ye say it was selfish, but all I see is self-preservation. I still think ye should talk to Seamus about all of this. There is nay way he understands the full extent of the situation, or he would nae have let ye out of his sight. Ye must go back with me. We can bypass Glenkirk Castle altogether and ride straight for Murray Castle. He and Flora will be looking for ye by now. We can explain everything to them and then come up with a better plan than this to fix it.”

Iona shook her head again, more adamantly this time. Though she loved the way he said “we” when it came to dealing with everything, she knew she couldn't ask anyone else to get involved. It would only cause more suffering.

“I cannae get Seamus involved any more than he already is. I will nae go back, Finn.”

Finn sighed, this time through his mouth. He thought for a moment, but still never relinquished the grip he had on her hand and reins. It was almost as though he knew her well enough to know that the second he did, she would make a run for it. Even with a sliver of a chance at escaping him, she would still try. She had to do everything she could to ensure that nothing happened to the Murray Clan or to Seamus and Flora because of her. None of them deserved it.

“That leaves us at an impasse, then. Ye will nae return with me, and I will nae go back without ye.”

“Ye dinnae have to do that, Finn. I can take care of myself. I have made this journey once before, ye ken, and I was just fine.”

“I am honestly shocked that that was the case, considering how ye did nae hear or see me coming just now. Nae to mention, I have ye trapped. What if I was nae a good man? What if there was more than one of me? Ye would never make it.”

“Finn, listen—” she tried, but he wouldn't let her get another word out.

“Nay. I will nae listen to yer crazy, foolhardy logic any longer. I will nae be responsible for causing Seamus any more turmoil. I will nae be the one who allowed his only kin left in this world to be killed in a forest trying to get home.”

His argument sparked an idea. It was devious and went against their friendship, but she didn't know what else to do. She had to convince him to let her go back home, and she was quickly running out of options.

“Then escort me back to my father.”

“Deliver ye into the hands of the man ye were desperate to escape? I dinnae think so.”

“Think about it, Finn. I am merely running from my fate like a child throwing a tantrum,” she lied. “Eventually, my father will get what he wants; he always does, it is simply a matter of when. If ye escort me home, then ye will be credited with stopping a war between the Murray and MacKenzie Clans. Ye would be keeping Seamus from having to fight a war on two fronts.”

She could see it in the way Finn's eyebrows lowered, and his mouth tightened that he was thinking about it. And the longer he thought about it, the more he was realizing that she was right. He had made no effort to hide just how much he wanted to make things right with Seamus and Flora. She knew that he still felt guilty about the way he had treated them, the way he had acted. She knew that by giving him the chance to help ease that guilt, he would take it. That knowledge formed a tight ball of steel in her gut, as it meant that the sooner he agreed to take her back to MacKenzie Castle, the sooner she would have to deal with the consequences of her actions. Her father would be furious that she ran away, there would be no getting around that. He would likely try to arrange for her to be married as quickly as possible, if only to prevent her from running again.

She nearly told Finn that she had changed her mind, that she wanted to go back. He had made a good point that Seamus would likely do anything to keep her safe, even if it meant war. The words sat on the tip of her tongue, threatening to spill over. But she swallowed them down and forced herself to stay quiet while Finn made up his mind. She couldn't go back on her word now. She had to see this through. She had to show Seamus and Flora and Finn and the Murray Clan the same kind of selflessness they had shown her.

“All right,” Finn agreed at long last. “If ye are sure there is nae other way around this, then I will take ye back to yer father. I will ride with ye until we reach his door. And I will stay until ye are sure that ye are safe.”

Forcing her jaw to unstick, she mustered out a strained, “Thank ye.”