Page 19 of The Bells of Triumph (Highlands’ Lost Valley #3)

18

JEALOUSY'S SHADOW

“ A messenger is approaching!”

Finn hardly bothered taking his boots off the desk, even as the servant came rushing in with the news. While he couldn't pretend he wasn't curious, he still hadn't decided what news he would like most to hear. A messenger coming was met with indifferent ambivalence that Finn had been unable to shake since Seamus and Flora had left Glenkirk Castle.

“One of Seamus' men?”

“Aye.”

“Let him in, then. Give him refreshments in the Great Hall and see to his horse. I will be there shortly.”

The woman rushed away to do his bidding. Finn let his feet crash to the floor in a loud thud. His glass of whiskey that he had spent the past hour nursing was finally empty. The amber liquid created a dulling effect on the constant hum happening in his head. But with a messenger waiting in the Great Hall for him, to tell him whether Seamus was successful or not, he doubted that any amount of whiskey would be able to still his thoughts.

Having decided that he had already made the messenger wait long enough, Finn pushed through the door of the study he had claimed as his and sauntered down the hall. He was the image of confidence and nonchalance, not wanting to give anyone the impression that something might be wrong with him. He couldn't afford to show any weakness, not when everyone was comparing him to Seamus.

The Great Hall grew quiet as he entered. Finn took his time making his way to his seat at the front of the room, letting everyone there know that nothing would happen until he said so. The messenger waited for him, standing in front of the main table with his hands clasped behind him, trying to look tall and important. But Finn saw the way the man's leg shook and how often the messenger readjusted his stance. Whether it was nervousness or impatience, he couldn't tell.

“Well, ye certainly got here quick.”

“Aye, sir. We came as fast as we could.”

“We?”

“Aye, sir. A group of us made the journey. The others are seeing to the horses.”

“Get on with it then. It must be verra important if the journey demanded more than one of ye come so quick.”

The messenger beamed up at Finn even as he slunk into his chair. Clearing his throat, the messenger spoke loud enough for the room to hear, though it was already sitting in quiet anticipation.

“We have done it. The rebels have overtaken Murray Castle and defeated Campbell's army. We are free of him once more!”

He barely managed to get the last word out before he was silenced by the loud cheering of the room. Everyone seemed to lose their senses as they slapped each other on the backs and raised their mugs of ale. In a show of celebration, Finn reached for a glass of his own, though he drank for a different reason entirely. Using the mug to hide his scowl, Finn emptied the glass before slamming it down and demanding another.

“Beaten again,” he muttered.

“Aye, sir,” the messenger answered, “we beat him!”

But the messenger had misunderstood Finn's meaning. Irritated by the joyful celebrations, Finn snuck out of the Great Hall, opting to sulk his way back to the study instead.

“What are ye doing out here? Will ye nae be joining the rest of us at Murray Castle?”

Finn glanced over his shoulder to find Iona watching him with a puzzled expression, her arms filled with bandages and blankets. Her dark brown hair and matching eyes made him feel like she was looking right through him. She was so slight in stature that he shouldn't have been intimidated by her presence, but he was.

“Nay. I will wait a bit longer to go.”

“Ye are nae pleased at Seamus' victory.”

It wasn't a question, but Finn still scowled at her words nonetheless.

“Of course, I am pleased with Seamus' victory. It is a great victory over Campbell.”

“And yerself,” she finished for him.

He whipped around, ready to demand her meaning, but she answered before he could ask.

“That is nae what I believe, but I can see in yer face that it is what ye believe.”

“Is that nae the truth of the matter?”

She shook her head with a gentle smile that tempted him into believing her.

“I have watched ye, ye ken. I suppose it is in my nature to stand back and observe rather than take part. But I have watched ye since the moment I arrived here.”

“Och? Any observations ye care to share?”

“Aye.” She did not hesitate. “Ye are so caught up in yer jealousy of Seamus that ye are allowing it to cloud yer judgment. Ye feel guilty and ashamed and rather than let anyone in, rather than trust those around ye who love ye, ye have pushed them all away. And now ye claim it is ye who has been betrayed and cast out. Ye are the only one responsible for that, Finn.”

Her words stung more than he cared to admit.

“Ye dinnae understand all that has happened,” he argued, his tone defensive.

“Then tell me.”

It seemed like such a simple thing to say, such a simple thing to offer, but no one had. Ever since he had returned from Murray Castle, from being one of Campbell's captives, everyone had treated him differently. They didn't want to hear about his time in the dungeons or what all he went through. So he had kept it to himself. Until now, until Iona's offer, he didn't realize just how much he needed to share his story.

He swallowed hard and nodded, feeling rather sheepish for a man leading an army. Iona gave him that sweet smile again and gestured with her head. She turned and walked down the hall, and he followed. She didn't stop until they were tucked away in a private garden that was still showing the effects of the winter chill. Very few plants boasted leaves on them, but there were a few spots of green that managed to catch his eye.

“Come sit with me while we talk.”

She had already taken her spot on a bench, setting the bandages and blankets behind her. With her hands folded in her lap, she looked up at him expectantly. Finn moved closer to her, but didn't sit just yet, still too nervous about where the conversation was headed. Catching on to his hesitancy to sit, Iona settled her skirts and cleared her throat.

“Tell me what happened.”

“I have been to Murray Castle before. It seems as though a lifetime has passed since then; so much has changed. Chief Rolland, the leader of the rebels, wanted to infiltrate Campbell's stores. We needed weapons and money and to weaken him, so it felt like the best plan. It was my first real mission, so I never dreamed that it could ever go so wrong.”

“What happened?”

He sighed, the smell of the dungeon already creeping back into his nose.

“We tried to infiltrate, but Campbell's guards found us. Most of the group was able to get away, but I had been among the first of those inside, so we were in deeper than anyone else.”

“Ye were caught.”

“Aye, I was caught. Campbell had his fun with us, with me, trying anything he could think of to get answers out of us. He wanted to ken who was behind all the attacks, where we were staying. The other men were nae as strong, so I pretended to be weak so he would question me more.”

“That must have been awful.”

“I have started to think that I will carry those scars forever.” He sighed again and pushed on. “Eventually, Seamus appeared. He claimed to be there to save us, that he was betraying Campbell. But I did nae ken him then, so I did nae trust him. It seemed too good to be true. I did nae think anyone would come to rescue us.”

He paused, smoothing the pebbles under his feet out with the side of his shoe.

“And? What happened?”

“Seamus came up with an escape plan. We were to leave by escaping through the surgery. But when it came time to go, he did nae come. All our hopes were dashed. It was three days again before I got food. And when we were finally freed, it was Errik and Liam and Flora who freed us, nae Seamus. I put my trust in him once before, and he failed me. I vowed to never make that mistake again. I never want to feel that cold or hungry again.”

Iona nodded understandingly.

“I see.”

“Ye see. How can ye see? What do ye ken of being held captive like that?”

“Och, Finn, ye forget that I had a life before I came here. Ye spent a few weeks in imprisonment. I spent my entire life in a prison.”

His eyes shot up to her, searching her face for any signs of deception. He couldn't fathom how what she had just told him was the truth, but her eyes shined with sincerity.

“That is nae all,” he garnered, a last ditch effort to make her see just how wronged he had been. “Seamus stole Flora from me.”

She raised an eyebrow, gentle but questioning all the same.

“He stole her?”

“Aye,” Finn answered, crossing his arms over his chest. “She and I were together. We never really talked about it much, but I thought that we were going to wind up together forever. And then he came along and stole her from me.”

“Was she ever truly yers in the first place, then?”

Finn's arms fell as he realized he wasn't going to win this argument with her. He wasn't going to win it against himself, either. He lowered his gaze and tried to focus on what really mattered.

“But how?”

“How what? How could my father be so calloused as to lock his only daughter away until she was needed? How did I get away?”

“How can ye be so peaceful, so…happy?”

He sank onto the bench next to her as he asked his question.

“Because I realized a long time ago that there is only one or two people on this earth who deserve my wrath. It does me nay good to walk around angry all the time. I would only wind up hurting those who truly love me. So I choose to be happy, to maintain my peace, knowing that there will be a day when my captors will pay for what they have done to me. That is enough. That has to be enough.”

Finn shook his head, struggling to wrap his mind around what she was telling him.

“Are ye saying that I should do the same?”

“I am saying that yer anger is just like yer sword; wield it at the wrong person and ye could lose those ye care about most. Aye, Finn, ye should be happy. Ye dinnae have to like Seamus, but ye should be happy that his victory saved more innocent lives from being wrecked. That is something to celebrate. That should bring ye comfort, nae more anger. Ye have been saved from making a decision that would follow ye the rest of yer days. That is nay wee thing.”

Iona's words were still echoing in Finn's mind several hours later. They had affected him so deeply that he had, against his better judgment and the voice in the back of his mind, decided to join the others at Murray Castle. Though he had allowed himself to be swayed by another, he was still in charge and as such, he led the procession to the victory celebrations.

Iona sat atop her horse, riding just off to his right and a few steps behind. She hadn't said much since their talk in the courtyard. Neither had he.

The rest of the healers who had stayed behind at Glenkirk Castle now traveled with them too. Each of their saddles was laden with bandages and tinctures and salves that he hoped would go unused. Though he knew, a victory over Campbell would have come at a great cost. Glancing over his shoulder, he wondered if they had enough supplies at all. That was a problem they would have to try and solve once they got there.

Coming out of the forest, Finn, and the others were met by a village in the throes of celebration. Children ran along the road, screaming and laughing as they chased each other through the village. Their parents kept careful watch from over the brim of their mugs of ale. Some were dancing to the music that was being played; a fiddler and a man with a drum sat in the courtyard, running through song after song. They all cheered and celebrated Campbell's demise and the end of his reign.

“We are Murray Clan once more with a Murray Laird! The world is as it should be!”

Finn studied the man who had shouted such a thing. As Iona had told him, Finn shouldn't have been angry. He should have been celebrating with those who were dancing right then. At the very least, he should have been grateful that the villagers were still alive and could celebrate at all. If Seamus had followed Finn's plan, they would have all starved days ago. Still, the declaration in Seamus' favor made Finn grit his teeth.

Looking ahead towards the center of town, Finn watched as the villagers continued to add to the celebrations. They were simple folk who didn't have much to offer, but that didn't stop them from filling the tables with what little they did have. Farmers brought pigs to roast and vegetables to eat. Their wives placed steaming pies and fresh bread on the table. Merchants handed out simple toys to the children while the laborers came with armfuls of flowers. All in all, it was a beautiful sight. There was life here and the hope for a future that only a few days ago they did not have.

Keeping his head down, Finn pushed through the celebrations, not wanting to answer any questions as to why he wasn't at the castle with Seamus already. He could feel the villagers' curiosity in their looks, hear their judgments that he should have fought alongside Seamus. But they didn't understand. And he was in no mood to explain it to them, so he pushed forward.

On the outskirts of the village, Finn let out a breath of relief. No one had stopped them, no one had so much as acknowledged their presence. If they did, it was a cursory glance before they were back to their ale and dancing.

“We are almost there,” he said more to himself than anyone else, but Iona nodded all the same.

With what little distance remained between him and Seamus, Finn tried to steady himself. He tried to calm down the resentment and rage that still simmered just beneath the surface. He wanted to go in with a level head so that when he made his demands to Seamus, they would be heard and respected. He had nearly made it there by the time they reached the castle gates.

Another, larger crowd had gathered around the outside of the castle. Just like the villagers, they were all dancing and laughing together. Every so often, one would shout for joy, crying out some sort of blessing on Seamus and the rebels who had fought against Campbell. They were no different from those in Murray Village—farmers, laborers, merchants. All strangers than Finn had been alright with sacrificing. The thought made his stomach turn and his expression sour.

“Ye never were one to ruin a good party, brother.”

Finn nearly jumped out of his skin. The voice that had spoken was the last one he had ever expected to hear now.

“Brid! What are ye doing here?”

He did jump down from his saddle, if only so he could wrap his little sister in a hug. She returned the gesture with as much zeal as he had given.

“I have been here since the meeting Seamus and Flora held in Aberfeldy Village,” she explained, her face still tucked in his chest, neither one of them ready to let go of the other.

“Why? I thought ye would have stayed with Flora.”

“Seamus wanted to send word to the villagers about the upcoming attacks so they would have time to prepare. He wanted to give the mothers and children and elderly the chance to leave if they wanted it. Connor and I and a handful of others volunteered to pass on the message. We have been here spreading the word and gathering more recruits.”

With every word that she spoke, Finn's heart grew heavier. Tears gathered in his eyes as he realized the gravity of the situation. Had he gone ahead with his plan, had Seamus listened to him, Finn would have been responsible for the starvation of his own sister. She was all the family he had left in the world, and he would have killed her.

He didn't see it that way when it was faceless strangers he was sacrificing. But it was impossible to see it any other way when he knew that his own kin would have been among them.

She tried to untangle herself from his hug, but he wasn't ready to let her go.

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Brid.”

“What are ye sorry for?” she asked, confused by his display of emotion.

“I'm so, so sorry. Please forgive me.”

“Finn, what is going on?”

“Please, Brid, tell me that ye forgive me. I'm so sorry. I will never do anything like that again.”

“I forgive ye, Finn. Of course, I forgive ye. Ye are my brother. I will always forgive ye.”

Her words were a balm to his fractured soul. They threatened to send the tears in his eyes overboard. They vanquished all the rage that had taken root inside him, filling the gap with love. Burying his face in her shoulder, he breathed her in, counting himself incredibly lucky that he still could. After a moment, he pulled himself together and stood up straight. He unwrapped his arms from around Brid, but kept them on her shoulders so she would look at him.

“Ye ken I would do anything for ye. I would do anything to keep ye safe.”

“Of course. What is this about?”

“I just need ye to ken that. If I have acted strange, if I have nae been myself, it was only because I wanted to keep ye safe.”

“All right, Finn. All right. I'm safe. Everything is fine.”

He squeezed her shoulders and studied her, needing to check for himself that was the truth.

Her presence had rattled him so completely that he had insisted that she ride behind him for the rest of the journey inside the castle. Something in his face must have kept her from questioning him, as she climbed behind him almost as soon as he had offered his arm.