Page 15 of The Barn: Frost and Q

Twelve

“ S o when are you going to go back to work?”

“Huh?” Frost stopped with a bite of his omelet halfway to his mouth.

That came out of nowhere. Like absolutely nowhere.

“Are you going back to work? I know this season is about to be in full swing, and you know that California needs you. When are you gonna go?”

He shook his head. “I don’t think I’m ready to go back to work yet.”

He couldn’t imagine leaving Q, not now, not when things were going well. He felt comfortable with his lover now. He felt like they had something good going on, like their marriage was solid. He would be damned if he messed that up with work.

Q stared at him. “No, I’m not ready to go back to fire jumping, actually, because I can no longer jump, but we both know that you love it.”

“I love you.”

“Also incredibly good news.” Q grinned at him and winked. The expression, though, in those eyes was serious. “Sure, but I don’t want you to give up something that you love.”

“What is it you think that I’m doing?”

“I don’t know, what do you think?”

What did he think? There were so many fucking thoughts in his head, he didn’t even know where to start.

“You’re complicating things.” He went with that. It was easier than the truth. “I’m just not ready.”

“You love it though.” Quentin wasn’t going to give this up, he could tell.

“I love you more.”

“Okay, so let me work this out. It’s not like you have to sacrifice this. You know that’s not a thing, right? You don’t have to give up your dreams because I can’t do it anymore. You know that, right?”

Maybe he did. The simple fact was that it was his fault that Quentin couldn’t do it anymore.

Quentin shook his head and sat down his plate. “I need you to listen to me.”

“Can’t we just eat?” He didn’t want to poke at this. It was sore, and it just needed a little more healing.

Q shook his head. “No. We can’t. Don’t make me say my safe word to shut you up. Is that clear? We have to talk about this.”

He set his plate down as well. “Why? Why do we have to talk about this?”

“Because we never have. I got shot in the head.”

His stomach cramped. “I’m fully aware of that.”

“Excellent. I’m glad. I mean, I’m glad you’re aware, not that I got shot. You know…not to be a Pollyanna or anything, but in the grand scheme of getting a shot in the head-ness, I did pretty good.”

Frost shook his head, needing this to stop. “I know that too. I just don’t want to talk about this. I’m not going back to work.”

“Frost, you love it. I love you. You love me, but you can’t just give up your career, your life, because you feel guilty.”

“I don’t feel guilty.” The words were automatic, and Q slapped his hand on the couch, making him jump.

“You’re lying. Look, the crazy son of a bitch got all pissy because he wanted money, because he thought he earned something by right of genetics or whatever.

He’s an asshole. He’s dead now. I’m not.

” Q stared at him. “In fact, I think I’m doing pretty good job, just getting my life back together.

I’m never going to jump out of planes. I’m never going to be the firefighter that you are.

I wasn’t going to be that anyway. I’ve got mad skills, but not on the ground.

If you don’t want to go actually do the job, go train. ”

“It’s the going I don’t want to do. I don’t want to go.” He was sick to his stomach, because he wasn’t supposed to want to do this, to leave this place and go do something else.

“Liar. Listen to me, man. You’ve got an amazing life.

You’ve got this great job. You’ve got a great place to come back to.

You have an amazing husband.” Q winked at him.

“And if I thought that you were giving up smoke jumping because you were retiring and because that was what you wanted? I’d be all in.

But that’s a lie. You miss it, and you’re in your prime. Go fight fires.”

“You make my head hurt.”

“I’ve heard that about me. I just want you to know that you’re free to do your job. I want you to know that you’re okay.” Quentin shrugged. “Not only that, but I want you to know that I’m okay.”

“I’m…” He took a deep breath, remembering his promise to himself.

Honesty. No lying, no guilt. “I’m getting to okay, Q.

You and me? That feels great. It feels like us.

Not like old times, but like us now.” He held up a hand when Q drew breath to speak.

“But it feels new, like I need to be here to nurture it.”

Quentin stared at him, lips pursed. “Are you afraid?”

Was he? “A little. I don’t want to tip the balance back. I like being with you in person.”

“So how do you get to be afraid if I don’t get to?” Quentin asked.

“I never said you couldn’t be afraid, babe.

I just said you couldn’t let fear keep you from doing the things that you love.

” Frost held up his hands in front of his chest. “Which I know means that you don’t want me to keep fear from me doing what I love, but I just need a little more time. I’m not putting it off.”

“Sure, but if you don’t get out there and do it this season, then it’ll be a year before you do. The application period is almost over.”

Frost raised an eyebrow at Quentin. “Really? Do you think if I didn’t just pick up the phone and call, a half a dozen guys wouldn’t pick me up for their crew for the summer? You know they would.”

“I do know that. I just worry about you.” Quentin sat back and glared at him, arms crossed over his chest. “You do all this stuff for me. I want to do this for you.”

“I’ll tell you what. How about I call Brian Delano and tell him I want to be an alternate for the first couple of weeks of the season?

Maybe for the first month or so? That way when they need somebody, I can sub in.

I can be on the job and do the work, but I can also be home with you a good bit of the time. We’ll go from there.”

Q stared at him. “That might work. Seriously.”

“I think it could, too. I swear, babe, I’ve been doing my PT, I’ve been doing my flight certifications, and everything is up to date. It’s not like I’ve been slacking.”

Now Q’s lips quirked in that way that meant he was fixing to start mocking Frost. “I never said you were a slacker. Not ever. I just know that you’re going to start to resent me if I keep you from doing this.”

“Who’s the Dom here?” He raised an eyebrow again, staring his boy down.

Quentin’s lips parted. “You are.” Now that was more like it. The expression in those eyes was suddenly seriously admiring, and Q was looking at him in a totally different way. The way Frost much preferred to the worry and the guilt.

If it had felt like that for Q this whole time, he understood why Q had hated it so much.

“Right. I’m the Dom, and I say that you’re not keeping me from anything except maybe from having a scene.”

“What?” Both of Q’s eyebrows went up, and his face went a little slack. “I’m not keeping you from having a scene. You could do that anytime you want. All you have to do is tell me.”

“How about tonight then?” Frost asked.

“I—I… Sure.”

“Good.” He fought his grin with everything he had. “I want you to be ready for me when I come back.”

“Back? Where are you going?”

“I have some preparations to make before tonight. I need a shower. I want to arrange some food for us, and I want you to make sure that you’re done with all your work.”

“Do I need to make any preparations?” Quentin asked.

“Yep, you do. Make sure you’re good and clean, inside and out. If you need some help, you can call in another sub.” The very thought gave him a bit of wood.

Q’s cheeks went bright pink. “I can do that.”

“I kind of thought you could.”

“You’ll call Brian this afternoon?” Q asked.

“I will. I’ll tell you what he says when I come back.

” That much he could do. He wasn’t going to lie about it to Q.

If he said he was going to call Brian, then he was going to call Brian, and he would get an alternate spot on the team someplace, maybe in Washington or Oregon where he wasn’t that far away.

“Cool cool cool. Thanks. I don’t mean to be a bitch about it. I just… I want to know that you’re doing what’s best for you.”

“And I want you to know that I’m going to do what’s best for us. Together as a team. You’re my husband, babe. I don’t want to leave you behind.”

Quentin licked his lips. “I don’t want you to leave me behind either. I just want to go back to a more normal for us life.”

“And you think this is a step in the right direction?” He reached out to touch Q’s cheek, somehow needing the contact to feel the truth of it all.

“I really do, Frost. It’s super important to me.”

“Well, like I said, we’ll start slow, but I’ll reach out today.”

“Thank you. That means a lot.”

Frost stood, staring down at his husband. “I’ll be back in an hour, maybe two. Remember what I said. Inside and out.”

“I’ll remember. I’ll get it done.”

He winked, the pressure on his chest easing. “Good, because there’s a reward for being a good boy.”

“Is there that?” That made Q laugh. “I promise, then. I’ll be the best boy ever.”