Page 76 of Tech Bros

“He’s the boss,” he says.

“I hope you will,” I say. “And not just because he’s your boss, but because he cares about you.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“I guess because you still seem upset, and I don’t feel like you need to be.”

“Can I ask something super personal?” he asks. “Nothing to do with your sex life, I promise.”

“Sure,” I say.

“What are emotions like for you?”

“Oh.” That’s a stunningly hard question. I would have much rather he asked about my sex life. Sex makes sense. Emotions never have. “I guess they’re more physical than mental.”

“How’s that?”

“Like I feel things—my heart speeds up or slows down. My stomach flips around sometimes. I’d jump if I saw dog nipples on my phone, too.”

He laughs weakly.

“But I don’t always connect what I’m feeling to the emotion in a moment. Like there’s a wall up between the sensation and the words. The thoughts. I don’t know. And in terms of complex emotions like anything beyond good or bad or scared or upset, I process it a lot in my notes. Song lyrics sometimes resonate if I hear the right song at the right time. Is any of this helpful?”

“You said I seem upset, and I guess I’d say it’s more complex than that.”

“Anything complex makes me upset,” I say. “I’m getting better, though. My therapist does a lot of training with me to get me closer to pairing what I’m physically feeling with a word.”

“Does having a word for it help it make sense?”

I grin because that’s always been the crux of it. “Not really.”

“I didn’t think it would. I have all the words right there ready to be slapped on an emotion like fucking water bottle stickers, but it doesn’t change the fact that I can’t get the lid open.”

“Because of all the stickers?” I ask.

He laughs. “Maybe.”

“I don’t know why that makes sense, but it kind of does.”

He sighs and scoots back on the bed, lying on his side.

“What’s in the water bottle?” I ask.

“Understanding. Inner peace? I don’t fucking know.”

“What do you do when you can’t figure it out?”

“Depends,” he says. “Code. Walk the dog. Take a nap.”

I frown and look over my shoulder at him. “That’s it?”

He holds my gaze. “More or less.”

“I feel like you’re leaving out something crucial.”

19

EVAN