Page 21

Tanin

S he was beginning to see.

Tanin looked down at Garnet’s face, but she was staring at his chest with a tight expression as she contemplated his words. His history. He could practically see the fight waging within herself at what she heard.

Was this, finally, what would push her away?

She had to get away from him. It was the best thing for her. If she told him no, that would be enough. He could respect her refusal. Tanin had done many bad things in his life, but at least he could hold his head high and say that forcing a female was not one of them. So, if Garnet told him no, that he was too terrible to consider, he could back off. He could get himself under control.

But he had to hear her deny him. He had to hear her say no. He wasn’t strong enough to relax the arm he still had banded around her waist on his own. Her softness, her sweetness, were too tempting to release without some kind of encouragement.

Yes. This had to be the moment. When he talked about his mother’s death. She would see now that she shouldn’t sully her hands with someone like him.

“What was her name?”

“What?” His brow furrowed, not understanding the question.

Garnet lifted her gaze. Looking him in the face. Her hands tightening on his jumpsuit, clinging harder onto him.

“Your mother. What was her name?”

He hesitated before saying softly, “Ray. Rayllian. Her name was Rayllian.”

“And your father?”

Tanin grunted. “I don’t know. She didn’t like to talk about him, so I learned not to ask. You don’t ask personal questions on Rik-Vane. Not even to your own mother.”

“What do you remember about her?”

“Not much. She used to take odd jobs to earn enough credz to survive, or to barter directly for food. We lived in a little shack in the back streets. Sometimes, she let males fuck her if they paid well enough. But she didn’t let me see that. I only figured it out later.”

Garnet nodded her head, like she expected to hear him say so. “Anything else? Anything personal?”

He thought back. Frowning. Trying to recall something that wouldn’t sadden Garnet further. “She had a flower. Not sure where the seed came from. But she kept it alive with the solar lamp we used to keep ourselves alive. No sun on Rik-Vane. Had to use the artificial kind. It was a white flower. Didn’t really have a scent. But sometimes, when she was tending the flower… she looked almost peaceful.”

Garnet was starting to smile. “What happened to the flower?”

“Trampled. She killed herself while I was gone. When I came back, someone had already raided our shack for whatever they could take. The flower was a smear on the ground.”

She looked sad again. He was glad he didn’t tell her about the state of his mother’s body. Garnet didn’t need to know that. Organs were just as good for credz on Rik-Vane as anything else. But that was part of his history he didn’t want to touch Garnet.

“What kind of flower was it?” She asked.

“I don’t know.”

“Would you recognize it if you saw it again?”

“I would.” He didn’t hesitate. He couldn’t even guess what planet that flower had come from. On Rik-Vane, he was shocked there was any plant life at all. Maybe it had come in stuck to the mud of someone’s shoe. Maybe someone ate it and shat out the seed. There was no way of telling. But he would recognize that flower again, if he saw it.

“Did you ever think about looking for the flower yourself?”

“Why?”

“I don’t know… To, like, carry on your mother’s memory?”

“I remember my mother. I don’t think a flower would help.”

“No, that’s not…” Garnet trailed off, frowning.

Tanin reached up, pushing back her hair. “To be honest, I never understood why my mother cared about that flower the way she did. Maybe she just liked something pretty to look at. Maybe it reminded her of my father. I don’t know. But whatever softness inside of her called to her to care for that flower, it wasn’t passed on to me. I didn’t feel any regret when I saw that flower dead.”

“Of course, not.” She shook her head. “Who cares about a flower when your mother is right next to it? If you ever find that flower again, will you show me? I want to see it.”

Tanin wanted to ask why. To ask what she would gain from it. But she was smiling at him again, her eyes sparkling with the idea of sharing something with his mother. He didn’t understand. He hadn’t really given that flower a single thought before he brought it up to tease King Gissrn. That was the only reason he even remembered it now.

But he couldn’t deny her something so simple. Especially when it was extremely unlikely he’d ever come across that flower.

“I’ll tell you,” he promised. “If I see it.”

Garnet beamed. So pretty. So happy. Over such a little thing.

“Thank you,” she said, sweeping her arms up and around his neck. Being careful that his quills didn’t cut into her forearms. He even consciously pulled on the muscles along his scalp, the ones that would raise them if he was ever attacked, picking them up further.

Garnet started in surprise when she saw the movement. “You can control those things?!”

“Of course, I can. They’re a part of me, aren’t they?”

“So’s my hair, but I can’t control it.”

He looked up at the delicate strands. Brown with that hint of red that tempted him so. They were much smaller and softer than his quills, begging him to run his fingers through them. But he was almost afraid to try, worried he’d catch those delicate strands on his rough skin, his knuckle claws, and pull them out. Would it hurt if he did? If his quills were pulled out, it would be agony, and it would result in bleeding. If it was bad enough it would even form a scar that wouldn’t allow a new quill to grow.

How would she react if he grabbed a fistful of that soft hair and pulled. Tugging her head back. Exposing her throat…

“I looked up your species on my combot last night.”

He looked back down, focusing on her eyes again. “Did you now?”

“I did,” she nodded. “Is it true that males have a mating dance?”

“Yes.”

“You have a mating dance?”

“I do.”

Her lips twitched as she fought the urge to smile. She failed and it spread across her face. He didn’t need her to say it to know what she was thinking.

“I’m not dancing for you.”

Instead of discouraging her, her smile only widened. Like he’d set her a challenge.

“So, you do dance? I love dancing.”

She started twisting her body. Rocking them in place. It was such a subtle movement, there wasn’t even any music. But there was power in it. More, he thought, than she even realized as she smiled at him, so innocent as to what she was doing.

“I do dance,” he agreed. “For my mate. It will be the only time I dance.”

She smiled, not saying anything. But what she didn’t say shined in her eyes. The eagerness to see it. To see what his people decided was a dance proper for mating.

And he longed to showcase it for her. To strip down to the simple loincloth that was traditional for a mating dance. To turn off the lights, allowing his skin to shine as he struck himself, letting their glow and patterns tempt her in further. The male’s mating dance was a harsh, loud thing, all sharp movements and stomping feet. He didn’t even need to know his culture to know that dance. It was ingrained in him. An instinctual thing that he was fighting even now.

The male wasn’t the only one who danced though.

If the female wanted to accept his mating, she had to dance for him in return, and the female’s mating dance was quite different.

It was slower. More sensual. Rocking movements. Tempting movements. Like she was using her hips to summon her male in closer to take them in his hands.

Much like Garnet was doing now.

“Are you thinking about getting yourself a mate one day?” Garnet asked, completely unaware of what her sensual, subtle movements were doing to him. The havoc they were wreaking on his instincts and senses.

This wouldn’t trigger his mating bond. He had to start the dance for that to happen. But the similarities to what his instincts demanded be fulfilled was too close for comfort.

And still, even with that alarm blaring in his head, he didn’t push her away.

“Garnet?”

“Yes, boss?” She smiled, so comfortable in her position in his arms, it didn’t even occur to her that she might not belong there.

“You need to go rest.”

“I was resting!”

“Your face is red again.”

“I told you, that just happens sometimes. One of the benefits of being human.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “Blood rushes to your face; it turns red. That’s just what happens. Are you changing the subject?”

He gave her a look. “Your blood is red?”

“Well, of course it-… Wait, your blood isn’t red?”

“My blood is gray.”

“That… How does that even…?”

“Are you trying to ask me why my blood is gray? I don’t know. It just is. Why is your blood red?”

She opened her mouth, but there was no answer waiting for her either.

“You…” She started, stopped, pursed her lips, then glared at him. “Dang it. Now you’ve gone and ruined the moment. I have to go look up why my blood is red and why yours is gray.”

“Is it really so important?”

“No, but now it’s going to bother me. Besides,” she pulled back detaching herself from him with a long sigh. “It’s obvious that you’re still having issues with the whole intimacy thing. I’m not going to throw myself at a guy I don’t know for sure would catch me.”

“I would catch you,” he said, confused about the sudden change of topic.

“Figuratively, not literally.” She put a finger to his chest and pushed. “Oh, but I do need to inspect the goods before we get down to business.”

“Please stop speaking in metaphors, I have no idea what you’re saying.”

She sent him a wicked grin before running that finger down his chest. She hooked it around his belt and tugged ever so slightly.

“I mean, I want to do a dick inspection before I let you inside me. I need to see the barbs and make sure they’re not going to shred me internally.”

“I already told you they would not,” he grunted, the dick in question starting to perk up at hearing itself being addressed.

“And you know what they say: Trust, but verify.”

“Who says that?”

“Humans, apparently. I’m sure in Rik-Vane they’d say something like ‘trust no one’ or ‘trust is for children’ or something like that.”

“Trust is for fools, actually.”

“Called it!” She laughed, pulling her finger back. “You’ve got some emotional hangups to work through. I’ve got some anatomical hangups to work through. So, let’s leave the aggressive flirting here today, and revisit this topic at a later date. Sound good?”

“I get the feeling you’re not actually asking for my agreement.”

“You haven’t told me to stop yet,” she smirked.

He had no response, and she laughed.

“Called it again! See you later, boss man. Don’t work too hard yourself, you hear?”

Chuckling to herself, she tapped her cleaning machine on the side and set it to follow her back to the lift and down.

Tanin watched her go, unable to tear his eyes away. Even once her head disappeared below, he kept staring in the spot where she had been. Frowning. Thinking.

“ I’ll admit, I’m surprised. ” Alred popped up, standing beside him.

“About?”

“ You. Of course. I didn’t think you’d ever choose a female. ”

“I still haven’t chosen a female.”

Alred scoffed. “ Please, don’t take me for an idiot. I may not have the functioning parts anymore, but I was once bound to my sexuality as well. ”

“Do you even remember your biological life?”

“ The memories are in my core. I can remember them whenever I want. That’s not the point. Are you really going to let this happen? ”

Tanin said nothing for a long moment. “It would be foolish.”

“ Why? ”

“Why? You really ask me that? Knowing all of our pasts?”

“ Wasn’t the whole point of leaving Rik-Vane the chance to give everyone a normal life? Well, as normal as any of us could have. ”

“No.”

“ No? ” Alred repeated incredulously, walking around to stand in front of him. Finally cutting off his line of sight to the lift. Alred’s yellow light form was transparent, but Tanin still focused on his featureless face, jaw tightening.

“No,” he repeated. “The point of leaving Rik-Vane was to give us a chance at living. We were all going to die there. Probably sooner than most of us would admit. I got us out because I thought we had the best chance of surviving out here.”

“ Part of living, captain, is the living part. You would think you biological creatures would know the difference between being alive and living. No one on Rik-Vane gets the luxury of the latter. Except for us. Except for those of us that chose to follow you out. Living, captain, involves seeking out joy and peace and happiness. Why do you think everyone was so willing to let those females stay aboard? Do you think they’re that desperate to see a pretty face? No. It is because having females around – happy, peaceful, joyful females – is something normal . It’s something regular people get to have. Something that they’ve never had. That you have never had. ”

“None of the others have ever said anything about mating before.”

“ Of course, not. They follow your lead. We all agreed to follow you, Tanin. To see where your ambition would take us. And it has brought us here. We are out of Rik-Vane. We have normal lives now. Names that aren’t stained with blood and death. Futures that hold promise and hope. You are still fighting like there is something threatening to drag us back. You’re still tense like you’re waiting for it all to be ripped away again. But them? The others? They’re calming down. They’re learning to relax. Rok can sleep at night now without screaming. The twins hold conversations with people. Trove doesn’t cut himself anymore. Even me! I finally get to live and taste freedom. Because of you. You have brought us all here. You have led us this far. They’re seeing you around her and they are hoping for something they’ve never dared hope for before. A female. Younglings. A life . ”

Tanin’s eyes were closed. Face tense. Jaw clenched.

Angry, because Alred was right. And Tanin had never considered it that way.

His crew were all males from different spots on Rik-Vane. He had chosen them all after careful consideration for a number of factors. Not everyone wanted out of Rik-Vane. Even among those who did, not all of them could actually handle life outside of that place. Most importantly, not everyone could be trusted to follow and obey his rules.

He needed those males and their skills to get out for himself. But they had put their trust in him to lead the way. And they were still trusting him.

He hadn’t considered that. He just knew that the others enjoyed the females. And who wouldn’t? A female was excellent company. They were soft and sweet and delicate. A male didn’t need much when there was a happy female in his life. Look at all the improvements Garnet had made thus far, that he hadn’t even asked her to do!

Now, they saw him with her, and it was giving them ideas. New hopes. New futures. He was leading them down another route. Like how he brought them out. Like how he forged this business, directed its movements, settled them safely on the Humility. He gave them a home, and in it they found safety.

And now, they were seeing what else he could bring them.

“A starship is no home for a female,” he said at long last.

Alred chuckled. “ Don’t you think that decision is best left for the female? ”

“They don’t know what they’re asking for.”

“ I think you’re the one who doesn’t know what she’s asking for. ”

Tanin glowered at him. “You’re speaking awfully sagely for someone who has no cock or interest in females. Or even knows any females.”

“This recall hasn’t made the acquaintance of many females, ” he corrected. “ But just as I still consider myself male, other recalls also still keep to their gender identity. So, I’ve known lots of females in my many recalls. And females, regardless of if they are biological or technical or hypothetical, will go wherever they please, regardless of what a male has to say about it. It’s not our job to choose where they make their den, it’s our job to protect it so that it becomes safe regardless of external factors. That is what it means to be a normal male. ”

Tanin crossed his arms, glaring at his old companion. Alred might not have a face – or even a real, physical body – but Tanin could still read him. No matter how technical or artificial he might be, Alred was still a person with thoughts and feelings and desires. He wasn’t just a computer program that was obeying orders. Like everyone else on this ship, he had his own reasons for being here.

And his own plans for the future.

“What are you plotting, Alred?”

“ Many things. One of the advantages of being a computer is I can run many more thought processes at one time than you weak, single-minded flesh creatures. ”

“And what plots are you putting all that artificial power towards?” Tanin cocked his head back when Alred didn’t answer him. “Do you see something in your future that you hope I lead you to?”

“ I wouldn’t say that… ”

“But you are thinking it.”

Alred said nothing. His body flickering ever so slightly.

“Why do you want me to follow my interest in Garnet?”

No answer.

“What does Garnet’s presence gain you? Is it just because she’s cleaning the ship? You’ve never cared before. As much as you claim the Humility as your body, you aren’t actually this ship. You don’t care about the grime on the walls.”

No answer.

“So, what else does she bring?” Tanin thought about it for a moment, considering him carefully. Not fully understanding why Garnet would catch his interest. Unless-

“It’s not about Garnet, is it? It’s the other one. Goldie. You’re interested in Goldie.”

Alred’s form flickered again.

“If I keep Garnet, Goldie is more likely to stay. Those two are clearly a package deal. So, that’s your only way to keep her here. But why?”

He flickered, transparency increasing.

“You said it yourself. You have no cock. You don’t feel sexual desire. So, why…”

“ There is more to love and mating than sex. ” Alred’s voice was soft. Almost subdued.

“Alred, you are a computer program.”

“ I know that… ”

“She is biological, even if you are not.”

“ I know that! ”

“So, what is-”

“ I don’t know! ” Alred’s form glitched completely before reforming. “ I’m aware it’s stupid. I’m aware that we can’t… That I can’t… ”

Tanin cocked his head. Staring at him as the strained silence strung out between them. “So, why?”

Alred twitched. “ I just… want to be near her. She’s lovely. Is that not enough… ?”

“For you, maybe. What about her? What about what she needs? She’ll never be able to hold you in her arms. She’ll never be able to touch you. You can’t give her anything. You are the only one of us who can’t get a new identity, so you’d never be able to claim her openly.”

“ I know all that, ” Alred growled.

He growled .

Tanin stared at him, surprised. That wasn’t just a gruffer, angrier voice. That was a real growl. The kind that formed deep in the chest. The kind that expressed more than just anger.

The kind that sounded purely physical.

Tanin stared at him. The sound cut off and Alred stared back. The silence stretched again, long and surprised, as they looked at each other.

“Your kind growls?” Tanin asked.

“ I… I don’t… ”

Alred flickered. It had been so long since he had been a biological person, he didn’t know what his kind did or did not do. Tanin honestly didn’t even know what a biological undroitt even looked like. He didn’t think it was this faceless, featureless, person Alred projected – but then again, maybe it was, he had no way of knowing. But he’d known Alred for years and never heard him growl before.

Tanin turned his head. “You’re serious about this, aren’t you? Goldie, I mean.”

No answer.

“Why?”

“ I don’t know, ” Alred said, his form flickering consistently now. “ There’s something about when I see her. Something that just… I don’t know. My kind, they still mate. But they only ever mate with each other. The mated undroitts never change, never grow in number. When we became technical beings, that bond transferred with us, and it continues to stay steady even with each new recall. Those of us without mates have just accepted that we will never get that bond. I never thought… I’ve never looked at a person as a real option before this. I still don’t know if… I think I just want to be around her. I just want to observe her. To see what she does. For now, that’s enough. ”

How strange.

Not the fact that the undroitt recalls still had their mates. As far as Tanin knew, the fact that they still formed mate bonds with each other, even though they were fully non-biological, was one of the reasons the Coalition agreed that they kept their personhood status.

It was the fact that Alred was so many years old, his recall restarted again and again a dozen times over through those years, and he’d never once been attracted to someone in any way, much less physically. Most undroitt recalls gave up their gender entirely, because there was no point in keeping it when, for thousands of years, it was completely irrelevant. The fact that Alred kept his made him stranger than most of his kind.

To then be attracted to someone, in whatever way he was experiencing it right now, was just odd. But not something Tanin saw any reason to discourage.

His males were looking to him to lead them into the future. All of them were seeing what he did with Garnet, how she reacted to him, how they reacted to each other, as a milestone for what they might have for themselves.

And as much as Tanin believed Garnet should do better than him, he also believed that his males deserved the chance to find their mates. To fall in love. Maybe have some younglings. To really live the free life he promised them.

And that started with him.

Alred was completely right. In this, Tanin had to lead.

“I don’t know how to court a female,” he said at last, admitting to something that, honestly, was the least of the things holding him back.

Alred’s form finally stabilized and he chuckled weakly. “ I don’t either. But it is something we can figure out together. I’ve been researching humans and what they need. You know, since I’m superior to you squishy flesh creatures who can only focus on one thing at a time. ”

“Careful. You’re currently falling for one of us squishy flesh creatures.”

“ Yes. Another problem for me to ponder with my superior brainpower. For now, would you like to see what I’ve learned about humans? ”

Tanin hesitated for a moment before saying simply, “Yes. I would. Show me.”