Page 4

Chapter

Two

T here are a few more rooms to explore in the home, but I decide to prioritize the royal visit. Maybe he’ll realize I’m not meant to be here and has a way to return me to my knights. I find Frank floating outside my new house, waiting to present me to the king of the ocean.

Frank scans me from head to foot and snaps his fingers. A giant seahorse swims from the rear of the property. I swallow. Anything horse related doesn’t go well for me.

“No octopus?” I try.

Frank snorts, releasing more of those tiny bubbles into the water. “Octopi are far too important to have fated Ladies ride them.”

“Got it. Octopi are snooty.”

Frank grabs the reins wrapped around the neck of the giant green and gold seahorse. Why is it so big? Did I shrink, or are they feeding them something special down here?

My teeth drag over my bottom lip. Come on, Daphne, you are a Lady now, act like it. I grasp the offered reins and launch myself onto the back of the seahorse, landing with a thud. Upright. Ha. Take that, Idols.

The beast rears, and my heart leaps into my throat as I cling to the reins. I’ve been here before, but back then, I had a quad of knights protecting my ass. Right now, I’m on my own, so I can sink or swim. Wait, I already sank. Guess the only way is up from here.

The damn creature bucks, trying to get rid of me. Frank waves his arms around. “Linda, be still. It is the new Lady of the Lake, your master.”

Ugh, no. I am not happy being anyone’s master. I could barely keep myself alive. Also, who names their giant seahorse Linda? She needs a more fantastical name like Silver Mist or Giant Face-Eating Water Horse of Doom. Either works.

The creature settles and stops trying to jerk me off. Hoping for the best, I lean forward and gently pat the side of her neck. “Good Linda. See? I’m just an innocent maiden turned Lady riding your back.”

She twists her neck, staring at me with her beady, black eye. “I am aware of who you are.”

Oh my Idols, she speaks. At least my annus is looking less and less lonely if I’m indeed stuck here. “Great. So, bucking?”

She swivels her head in a weird S shape. “I was testing your mettle. Only the worthy can sit on me.”

They really have a worthiness complex down here. Knights have to be worthy to get the sword, and maidens have to be worthy to ride giant sea creatures. Maybe if everyone was a little less judgy, the realm would be a happier place.

Frank rolls his eyes and swims off ahead of us while Linda, my judgy seahorse, keeps pace.

The ocean is a rainbow of life. Fish of every color dart around, going about their diurnal.

The sandy floor is awash with coral in pretty shades of pastel.

If I didn’t have people I love on land, I could easily get lost down here.

“So, do you live with me?” I ask. I’ve never lived on my own. It’s never really appealed to me. Who would I tell all my thoughts to?

“No, I live with my mate nearby, so you can call upon me when you need to get around.”

Handy. Like a live-in horse, except no eating of my face. Always a bonus. I’m a little sad that my transportation has a better love life than me, though.

“Who is your mate?”

“Steve.” What a name for a seahorse. “He will help with your needs once he gives birth.”

Excuse me, what? “Like he’s got tiny seahorses inside of him? He’s growing lifeforms?”

“That’s right.”

Linda might be confused. “Does that make Steve female?”

“No. Don’t be so narrow-minded.”

I’m literally the least judgy Burgher in the realm.

But as far as I am aware, males can’t yet get pregnant.

There was a rumor about a Belle that didn’t want to “ruin” her figure, so she had the witch cast a spell on the Beast so he would carry their children.

It backfired from what I heard and added a new spin on that fairy tale, where all the castle staff got turned into household items. Her moment of vanity cursed multiple people.

“Forgive me. I meant no disrespect. Where I am from, it is only the females that get pregnant.”

“I make the eggs and implant them in his sack. He incubates them and later gives birth.”

Oh, that is clever. “Wow.”

“We are unique in the sea, and envied by many.”

“I understand why.”

Her scales shimmer like she’s preening from my compliments.

“Do you have orgasms?”

“We have many organisms.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Then explain.”

Umm, describe the mythical orgasm that until I met the Stirlings, I thought was a lie made up by men to lure maidens into their beds?

Frank slows down to swim beside us. I cast a glance at him. His lips twitch as he waits for my version of what an orgasm is. My guide, it seems, draws the line at helping me communicate sexy time with sea creatures. How hard can it be?

“So, when a male wants to get a female pregnant, he needs to put his seed inside her.” On the word seed, I throw up a little in my mouth and quickly swallow it to avoid bits of vomit floating off into the water. Pretty sure that would constitute a faux pax.

“His sperm,” Linda corrects.

Is that better?

“Yes, that. In order to get that to come out, he needs to get excited and release it inside of the woman.”

“How does it get inside of her?”

I blink. “Well, he has a long sausage that it shoots out of. He puts that inside of her until he releases.”

“How long does that take?”

“If you are Hansel, less than tempo. But I have it on good authority that in experienced hands, it can last much longer.”

A shiver runs down Linda’s back.

“That sounds awful.” Frank shakes his head and chuckles.

“The point is, the release is called an orgasm. It’s the most wonderful, awesome, tingling sensation.”

“I thought you were female? All Ladies of the Lake must be female.”

“Females also orgasm.”

“For what purpose?”

I open my mouth, close it, and tilt my head as I try to uncover a good reason. “The males make us orgasm to convince us to let them stick their sausage inside of us.”

“I still believe my evolutionary child bearing is superior.”

“But you’ve never had an orgasm, so you can’t compare.”

“And you have never impregnated anyone.”

Fair point.

The water grows warmer as we ride for at least half a turn. Towering stone pillars come into view, and a stunning underwater palace that puts all the Hallowed castles to shame appears. They would weep tiny castle tears of inferiority if they saw this monster. Charming would throw a fit.

“Welcome to Atlantis,” Frank says.

Wow. They have a name for this thing of beauty? It should be named and immortalized in every history book in existence. I thought everyone under the sea laid on the floor and covered themselves in blankets of seaweed. My bad.

The water pulses with an invisible hypnotic beat, lulling us deeper into the crevices.

The merfolk aren’t shy in their appraisal of me, with mumblings about the new Lady of the Lake reaching my ears.

I stare at them in return. They are the blessed equivalent of the Hallowed, all so beautiful and shiny.

That cannot be unicorn horn. Surely it would wash off?

They might have something similar. Glittery squid ink or ground precious pearls.

“Are you ready to meet your new king?” Linda asks, as an attractive merman winks at me. If four knights had not already taken my heart, I would totally go there.

I straighten my spine. “Absolutely. Is there anything I need to know?”

Frank side-eyes me. “Try to keep your answers short and to the point.”

Right. I can do that. But… “Why?”

“He’s old.”

“So, cranky?” I get it. Old Mother Hubbard was a cranky little woman. Being around longer meant you experienced more bunkum poop.

“No, he’s merely old and powerful.”

Not sure why this combination causes him to enjoy short answers, but I drop the matter and vow to make up my own mind.

Two mermen ahead swing open a pair of huge golden gates, granting us entry into the inner sanctum of the palace. Trumpets sound on our approach. I’ve come up in the realm if I now warrant trumpets.

“Presenting Daphne Stone, the new Lady of the Lake and protector of the wizard.” Excuse me, what?

I blink at Frank. “Are you a wizard?” I mouth.

He shakes his head. “Later.”

A grand marble sweeping staircase rises ahead of us.

At the top, a man sits on an enormous throne.

Not a merman, but one with legs, like me.

He sports a long white beard that matches his hair, both of which float around him in the water, while a short white skirt covers his private man parts.

Does he have underwear on? Or does he let it all hang out for fish to see?

He carries a huge gold fork, shining with power, in his left hand.

Idols above, please tell me that’s for a giant sausage.

Astute eyes that echo the ocean he rules over study me as I slide off of Linda and onto the floor.

“Lady of the Lake, approach the throne,” a male voice booms from the left.

Frank makes a shooing motion, like I need hand signals to follow a simple instruction. Biting back the urge to roll my eyes, I climb the marble staircase and pat myself on my back for remaining upright.

The king tilts his head, and his lips twitch. I glance down, checking I haven’t lost my dress or spilled sauce down it. Which is impossible, given I haven’t yet eaten. My stomach rumbles in agreement.

I pause on the last step and try to figure out what to do. Curtsy? Bow? Wave? Swear allegiance? My brain muddles that together and I perform the weirdest greeting in the realm. I bend my knees, lean over, and wave as I say, “King of the ocean, I am your humble servant.”

“No need for that, Daphne dear.”

Aww, I get a cute nickname? I think I like him.

I straighten up and allow him to study me closely as I take in everything about him.

He widens his legs and leans forward. That would be a no to the underwear.

My gaze snaps to his face. Not sure of the etiquette regarding staring at the king’s sausage.

Is it poor form to pay it attention, or an insult to ignore it like it’s not impressive?

What do the fish do? There was that one that sucked on my thigh.

I gulp. Idols above, I hope that’s not an expectation.

There are only eight thighs I want to suck on.

“Tell me how you became the Lady of the Lake.”

I wince. Here goes. “So there’s a king called Arthur in the Hallows.”

“I’m aware.”

I shiver. His voice is dark but booms with a quiet power I’ve never felt. “So, he had this dagger, which I stole for his sons.”

“You make it a habit of stealing weapons?”

I sneak a glance at the big fork before tearing my gaze away from it. “No. However, my sister was imprisoned in a tower by Prince Poopfloof.”

The king blinks, and Frank groans, ducking his head. “Keep it short,” he reminds me.

I glare at him over my shoulder. “I am, trust me.” I turn back to the king.

“Anyway, the genie took the dagger, so I accidentally stole it from the brothers.” Damn, I sounded like a thief.

“Then I went to a ball, rescued my sister, and we ended up in a cave. A woman emerged from the lake, holding the other half of the dagger. I thought, hey, they should go together, and then boom!” I slap my hands together.

“The Lady does a switch, and suddenly, I’m down here with fish in my floof and an empty belly because of the lack of sausage. ”

“The sausage that makes you orgasm?” Linda asks.

“No, a different sausage. The kind you eat.”

“You eat a man’s sausage?”

“Only if he’s lucky,” I mumble.

“Land dwellers are confusing.”

Coming from a creature that dumps her eggs and runs.

“I see. And is the sword safe?” the king asks.

“I believe so, but can’t speak to your security levels down here.”

“I would very much like to view it.”

“Sorry, first diurnal on the job. I didn’t realize it was a ‘bring your pointy weapon to work’ diurnal. My bad.”

The king throws his head back and laughs. “I believe you are here to brighten up our dull existence, Daphne. There’s something special about you I haven’t seen in a long time.”

Aww, shucks. He was making me all smoochy inside. I’ve got a cute nickname, and I’m special. Knights better step it up to compete.

“I’m Poseidon,” he announces. “I rule the seas, the lakes, and the ponds.”

“Water sports are your thing. Got it.”

“I need to talk you through the legend of the sword and ensure you keep its sanctity.”

“About that. I was wondering if I could do that from the land.”

He rears back. “Above the sea?”

I tuck a lock of my hair behind my ear, and it floats back out. Ugh. “Yes, you see, I have people up there who love me. Well, a sister and the capons definitely love me. The knights I’m working on.”

“The Lady of the Lake must remain here until a worthy knight claims the sword.”

I grin. “The knights are who I want to get back to.”

He groans and swipes a hand down his face. “Haven’t we learned this lesson? Water dwellers do not mix well with land dwellers.”

“Well, great, because I am a land dweller at heart. So shoot me up top, and I’ll do a daily check in.”

“Enough talk of leaving. I have arranged a feast in your honor. You will remain here until you feel the call.”

“After that, I perish. Glorious future.”

He grins. “But you will be forever immortalized. The Idols will reward you.”

Those swankers can kiss my pale peachy butt. I wasn’t abandoning my dream; it had only recently come to me. “I can see this is a tricky topic, so let’s get some sausage, then circle back to my place of residence.”

He rises, and I attempt to not glance at his short floaty skirt. “What is sausage?” he asks.

I have to get out of here.