Page 80 of Sweeter than Honey

Except for a moment, it wasn’t. Without any work to distract me, my mind keeps going back to Lily. How she made me feel like I was more than just my role at the hotel. How she trusted me. She even wanted me to spend time with her and her son. When she brought it up over dinner, I felt so overwhelmed. It was too much to imagine that I could have another chance at a…

At afamily.

It was too painful to think about. I pushed her away. Thinking back on it, I feel so idiotic. I should have told her how I feel. When she said she loved me, I couldn’t say it back. Now I would give anything to return to that moment.

But it’s too late. I wasn’t brave enough for her, and I lost her. I’ll never forgive myself for letting her down.

I go over to my cabinet, and I open the drawer. The worn, wooden top looks exactly the same. One line of red, one of green, and one of yellow. It was the most precious thing in the world to me, once upon a time. But time has made it old and weathered, sitting in a drawer.

Am I like this top? Collecting dust, doomed to be shut away in this office forever?

I close my eyes, and hold the wooden toy to my heart. It seems so long ago, and yet so close. I thought I would never fulfill my obligation, my promise to Tudor. But Lily was right. I can’t keep sacrificing myself, over and over.

She saw myself more clearly than I could. And she was brave, for the both of us.

Something softens in my chest. I open my eyes. The moon has risen above the clouds, and shines like a beacon across the midnight-blue lake.

I was reborn once before. Perhaps it’s time to be something new again.

Chapter 28: Home

Lily

“Lily, move! You’re blocking the game!”

It’s Kyle, one of the lawyers Dylan works with. I shuffle quickly around the booth with a sigh, setting down a beer in front of Dylan, and one on the table for me.

Dylan doesn’t say thank you. “Lilyboo, sit on my lap,” he says instead, not taking his eyes off the TV screen behind the bar. Without waiting for my response, he takes me by the waist and pulls me on top of him. I squirm in discomfort. For the past few days, he hasn’t been able to keep his hands off me, and I’ve hated every second of it. But I’m trying to appease him. He still has all of those photos of me, and the records from my laptop. Even if I can’t see Renata anymore, I know I need to keep her safe.

I push the thought of her out of my head. It’s pointless to dwell on it. I should start getting used to my new life. Or my old life, I guess. And Dylan can be thoughtful, in his own way. He organized this “re-engagement” party for us here, at our (his) favourite sports bar. Of course, it’s on the night of a big basketball game, so him and his friends have been glued to the TV, instead of actually celebrating our relationship.

Looking around, I realize I don’t actually care about anyone here. It’s just me and Dylan’s friends from university, and people he works with at the law firm. Nobody from the hotel is here. My sister is working, of course, and my mom is in the corner, watching the one TVthat’s playing a rerun of an old soap opera.

I drink my lukewarm beer until I can’t stand it anymore, and then I wiggle out of Dylan’s grasp.

“Where are you going?” he mutters.

“Just to the bathroom,” I reply, but he’s already lost interest, as the other team scores and the entire bar groans in unison.

The entire bar except for me. I leave my beer on the table and find the women’s washroom.

There’s nobody else in here, and I don’t actually need to go, so I just stare at my sad reflection in the mirror.

“It’s ok, Lily,” I say to myself. “Be optimistic. You’ll figure this out. It’s only a few years until Eli goes off to university, and most marriages don’t last longer than that anyway, right? Dylan will forget about what he found, and…”

“What Dylan found?” says a familiar voice from behind me.

I spin around. The sound of the game was so loud that I must have missed the sound of her heels on the tiled floor.

You already know who it is. She stands in the middle of the sports bar bathroom like a Goddess, wearing a gorgeous white leather dress with a belt, her shiny hair skimming the sharp line of her jaw. Her dark brown eyes survey me, with an expression perfectly balanced between professional and personal.

“Renata…” I whisper. “How…how did you find me here?”

“I went to your apartment, first,” she says. “Your babysitter told me you were here. She said you got back together with your ex-husband.”

I take a deep breath. “It’s complicated.”

“You don’t have to explain anything to me,” she replies with a frown.