Page 22 of Sweet Music (Sugarville Grove #7)

CASH

C ash couldn’t sleep that night. After tossing and turning for hours, he finally pulled on some warm clothes and headed out to pace the front porch of the purple house for a bit.

The darkened farm was so peaceful that even just the tread of his boots on the wooden planks of the porch floor seemed too loud. He drank in the crystalline air and tried to focus his mind on the snowy fields glowing in the moonlight and the stars twinkling above.

But all he could think about was Bella.

He thought things had been going well with her, but then she had shut down on him tonight, and he had no idea why. He’d gone from feeling on top of the world to crashing out and trying to go to sleep early without any luck.

I’ve only ever felt this way about a woman once before.

And she checked out on me too.

Maybe he should have focused more of his efforts on finding that one. Maybe he would never have a real relationship with a woman until he did.

After all, he’d bared his soul to Sweet Jane. He’d told her that he felt a connection to her like he’d never felt with anyone before.

And she had said she felt it too.

At the time, he’d thought it meant something to her. Unlike with everyone else in his life, she always seemed to understand his words in exactly the way he intended.

He’d felt like a fool the day he confessed to her that he wanted to write a song for her, and he remembered it even now.

Farmboy7:

i want to write a song for you

but i’m not good enough yet

She hadn’t responded for a moment, and he was just starting to worry that he’d gone too far when she finally did.

Sweet_Jane:

I want to hear that song. I’m crying just thinking about it.

He sighed just remembering, and ran a hand through his hair.

That was so long ago. Why does it matter so much?

When he got his big break all those years ago, his new publicist had asked him to sign into all his accounts on her tablet.

He’d assumed she was just going to look for posts that could be a problem going forward, and he didn’t think he had much to worry about.

He didn’t expect her to delete all his old accounts.

It’s better to start fresh, the publicist had told him with a saccharine smile. That way we don’t have to go through every little post or comment.

But starting fresh meant all his conversations with Sweet Jane were gone.

And he’d been sent right out on tour to open for another band before he had time to get his life in order.

Two weeks later, he had his first few days off. The first thing he did was use his phone to sign up for a new account with Riffs so he could find his girl again. He hadn’t gone more than a day without talking to her in so long, and he missed her so much that it hurt.

Jane never wanted real names, never wanted to meet in person. And he hadn’t argued at the time. Who was he anyway? A hometown boy with a silly dream and an old guitar who probably had more business milking cows and mucking stalls than talking about music with someone like her.

But now that he was on the road, now that he had a real contract… well, now maybe he finally had something to offer.

As soon as he had a new username set up, he sent her a message.

rockboy7:

sweet jane, it’s farmboy7

i’m so sorry I was gone for a few weeks - i’ve missed you so much

i need to tell you everything now, even though you might not want to hear it

my real name is charles and i’m from the same county as you, believe it or not, but i was never in the orchestra all-stars

i disappeared for a bit because the unthinkable happened - my band took off!

they got rid of all my socials and sent me on tour, but i finally had a chance to come back on and let you know

you don’t have to tell me who you are if you don’t want to

but I want you to know that i’m cash law

yeah i know, i used to say i didn’t like cash

i just didn’t want you to guess

and, well, at times i do feel like a second rate elvis impersonator

you made my day that time you said cash law has his own sound

but i knew i was in love with you a long time before that

anyway, i hope you can forgive me - for disappearing on you, and for telling you my real name - and also for not telling it to you sooner

He’d waited, refreshing his screen over and over for hours until he finally fell asleep with his phone in his hand .

But she never responded.

He knew in his heart then that he had lost her. But the next day he left one more message, just in case.

rockboy7:

i know you might never forgive me

but i’ll never forget you

there will be a ticket held for you at every show i ever play, if you ever forgive me i’ll be waiting

and one day i’ll be good enough to write that song for you

And all these years later, he still checked the app from time to time. But his Sweet Jane had never appeared again.

“ Hey ,” a deep voice called out from across the front lawn snapping him back to the present. “You’re still up? ”

“Tripp,” Cash said as his brother approached. “Good to see you, man.”

“I couldn’t sleep either,” Tripp said, frowning.

“Why not?” Cash asked.

“I don’t know,” Tripp said. “Sometimes I feel like an outsider in this family.”

Cash looked over at his younger brother, surprised.

“That’s my thing,” Cash joked weakly.

“Not anymore,” Tripp said. “You’ve got a family now.”

“Only in the most technical sense,” Cash said, shaking his head. “I haven’t earned it yet.”

“You don’t earn family,” Tripp said.

“Well, I definitely didn’t earn mine,” Cash said. “Not yet. The way I behaved with that boy’s mother…”

“I don’t get that,” Tripp said after a moment.

“What do you mean?” Cash asked, almost laughing. Tripp wasn’t exactly one to make commitments to women, so if anything, he should get it more than the rest of the family.

“You just don’t do that kind of stuff,” Tripp pointed out.

“How would you know?” Cash asked, feeling a little defensive, even though his brother was spot-on.

“Well, we’ve known each other all our lives, for one,” Tripp said, his eyes on the mountains. “Plus, they talk about you online. They say you don’t party with the band, and you don’t fool around with women. Some of the guys think you’re crazy, but most of the women seem to love it.”

“So, you follow the gossip about me online, huh?” Cash teased, feeling secretly astounded that the online gossip was right for once.

“You don’t call,” Tripp said, shrugging. “You don’t visit. How else am I supposed to know how my brother is doing?”

“I’m sorry, man,” Cash said, feeling awful.

“It’s all good. I know you call Mom and Dad,” Tripp said. “And I also know the phone works both ways. But I see how busy you are. Do you ever stop touring?”

“I’m just trying to keep the music alive,” Cash said softly. “But lately, I don’t know. I’m tired.”

“It’s okay to take time off and recharge,” Tripp said.

“I’m going to be doing exactly that,” Cash said. “I have a kid now. ”

“His mom was kind of a local girl,” Tripp said. “Did you know her before you blew up?”

“I thought so,” Cash heard himself say.

“You thought so?” Tripp echoed.

Cash blew out a slow breath and weighed whether or not he should, or even could, talk about it.

Honestly, he’d wanted to unburden himself for years. But the story made him seem like a fool. And besides, who wanted to listen to a rich musician feeling sorry for himself?

“You don’t have to tell me,” Tripp said.

“I want to,” Cash heard himself say.

“Yeah?” Tripp asked.

Cash decided to just get it all out before he changed his mind.

“Before I broke out, I was on this indie music forum called Riffs ,” he began. “It was just a place to talk about the indie scene, and there was a section on there for local New England music. Honestly, it was mostly just a ton of people on there complaining about the music scene up here.”

“I hate to break it to you, man,” Tripp said. “But that’s kind of what the internet is.”

“I probably wouldn’t have stuck around for long, but there was this one girl on there,” Cash said, smiling at the memory.

“She wasn’t there to tear anything down.

You could name any band that played in any hole in the wall within a hundred miles, and she would find something nice to say about them.

Me included, even when I was still figuring out my sound. ”

“Breath of fresh air,” Tripp said, nodding thoughtfully.

“Yeah,” Cash said. “She really had the best opinions on just about everything. I finally got up the nerve to private message her one night, and we hit it off right away. I was kind of shy about posting a lot of my thoughts in the group, but she was so easy to talk to—never made me feel dumb.”

“Why would you feel dumb?” Tripp asked.

“I don’t know,” Cash said, shrugging, and not wanting to answer.

“Because you were just a dairy farmer, right?” Tripp asked. “I feel like that myself sometimes.”

“No way,” Cash laughed. “You’re the most confident person I know.”

“Until about two minutes ago, I would have said the same thing about you, buddy,” Tripp said, arching an eyebrow.

“Fair enough,” Cash said, nodding.

“So, what happened with the girl?” Tripp asked. “Did you meet up in real life?”

“She didn’t want to exchange real names,” Cash said. “And she didn’t want to meet. Not even when we started to have real feelings for each other.”

Tripp frowned, and Cash figured he was about to ask him if he thought there was some reason for her to be so secretive—like maybe she wasn’t as young as she claimed, or maybe she was embarrassed about her appearance.

He’d wondered about that himself. But Cash knew in his heart that he honestly wouldn’t have cared how old she was or what she looked like. That wasn’t what he loved about her.

“So, you’re just online friends?” Tripp asked.

“We were. My publicist deleted my socials back when I signed on to tour with The Mufflers,” Cash said. “And by the time I made a new account, she was gone already.”

“She liked you too,” Tripp said. “That’s why she left when you ghosted her. I don’t blame her.”

“I didn’t mean to ghost her,” Cash said softly. “I messaged her, told her I was in love with her. And that I’d have tickets waiting for her at every show I ever play.”

“Romantic,” Tripp said appreciatively.

“I guess,” Cash said, smiling. “Anyway, the only clue I had about her real life was that she made the County All-Stars Orchestra in high school. So, when I headlined for the first time that night in Burlington, and I spotted a girl in the crowd screaming and smiling and wearing a County All-Stars Orchestra t-shirt, I knew it was her. It had to be. She had seen my message and come to surprise me.”

“Wow,” Tripp said.

“She was gorgeous,” Cash went on. “Red hair, sparkling eyes—not exactly how I pictured her, but I was just so happy to see her that I didn’t really care. I had my guys bring her backstage, and then I was all over her in the car on the way back to my hotel.”

Tripp nodded.

“I don’t act like that,” Cash said. “You were right about that. But I was just so glad to have her back in my life. I wanted everything all at once. This is the girl I thought I was going to marry.”

“I get it,” Tripp said.

“But then afterward,” Cash remembered, feeling that same sense of panic. “I mentioned something to her that I’d said to her online once, about wanting to write a song for her. And she stared at me like I was from Mars.”

“It wasn’t her,” Tripp murmured.

“The big twist,” Cash said. “And of course I scared her off with my wild talk before I got to know anything about her. She bolted, and I never saw her again.”

“That was Cody’s mom,” Tripp said, shaking his head.

“Yeah,” Cash said, nodding. “I checked with the box office the next day. My girl had never picked up her ticket.”

“I’m sorry,” Tripp said. “That’s awful.”

“I still check the site once in a while,” he said. “But she never replied. I guess she’s married with kids by now, and probably doesn’t even listen to the music anymore. She’s moved on.”

“But you can’t?” Tripp asked. His normally dancing eyes were filled with sadness.

“I want to,” Cash said. “I’ve tried to tell myself that I can learn from my mistakes. If I ever find love again, I’ll be honest and I’ll communicate better.”

“Bella,” Tripp said softly.

“I’m doing my best with her,” Cash admitted, not even wanting to pretend he wasn’t falling for Cody’s guardian. “I’m trying to be honest with her about my shortcomings, and make sure she knows how I feel.”

“Seemed like you were doing great for a while there,” Tripp said.

Cash was grateful for his brother’s honesty .

“She pulled back from me tonight,” Cash said, nodding. “And I don’t even know why. But I can’t mess things up with Cody by pushing her.”

“You’ll get there,” Tripp said, nodding.

“Maybe,” Cash said. “But not everyone in the world is lucky enough to find something like Mom and Dad have. And I’ve already been so lucky with the music. Maybe it’s asking too much to want a fairytale at home too. I’ve got Cody now. That’s a miracle, and it’s more than enough.”

The brothers gazed out at the starry sky together for a long time after that, their breath clouding in the cold night air. Eventually, Tripp headed back to his place, and Cash went back inside to stare at the ceiling and think about Bella Wood.