Page 53 of Summer Breakdown (Training Seasons #2)

“Talk to me,” Ezra says, resting his head on the back of the sofa. Jasmine has learnt so much about Ezra this week. She wishes she knew if he would have told her if they weren’t locked in here together, or if he’s only telling her so she doesn’t feel bad about whining.

“I’m heartbroken,” she whispers, then, “and I can’t think about it. I don’t have time to think about it until she’s asleep, and what if she wakes up and still doesn’t want me back?”

“Jas,” Ezra says softly. “She’s so in love with you.”

“She has more important things to do right now than deal with me, but, oh,” she groans, resting her forehead against her knees. “I love her. I love her. ”

“I know,” Ezra replies. He spins her a little until she rests her head on his shoulder. “I know you do.”

“I just want her to be happy,” she whispers. “That’s all I will ever want.”

“She loves you. Frankie loves you so much.”

Jasmine shakes her head.

“Everyone knows it.”

“It’s not enough,” she whispers. “God, I’m so pathetic.”

“You’re in love.”

“Same thing,” she sighs as Ezra drags a blanket over them. “I am trying so hard not to spiral but fuck me, I am so sad.”

“You’re allowed to be. Frank is sick, but she hurt you anyway.”

Jasmine sighs, she wants her back. Healthily, happily back, but back all the same.

“I’ve never seen her like she is with you,” Ezra says quietly.

Jasmine doesn’t look up at him because it’s dark and his furrowed brow will hide most of his face anyway.

“She never told grandma she’s a lesbian.

Whenever we see her, she wears earrings and a ridiculous blouse she only wears to her house as if that’s going to stop her being gay. ”

Jasmine frowns but Ezra is talking about before she can call a member of his family a wanker.

“Frank didn’t wanna upset her. She’s a raging homophobe but the only adult we had that didn’t get terrified of her bipolar.

When Frankie was a child, she needed supervision for a lot of things because no-one knew how her mind worked.

Man, our folks were awful at it, so Frankie thought it was a chore to do anything with her, so she stopped asking to do things. ”

Jasmine’s heartbreaks at the thought. She’s seen childhood photos of Frankie with her afro and her bright windbreaker. She was dressed like she lived in the eighties, and she wasn’t even born until 1994. She deserved the world then and she deserves it now .

“But grandma would do it anyway. It was like halfway love. Frankie couldn’t get both things from any adult, so she kept her around anyway. So, Frank’s always thought she was difficult to love. Even if I told her she wasn’t, or Cam made her say it out loud, we knew she still believed it.”

Jasmine closes her eyes as Ezra talks. He could narrate an audio book. She wishes she had her notebook to tell him that later.

“There’s never a day she would ask for something. I have spent the better part of my entire life trying to make it, so she’ll ask for help. The smallest things, and the bigger things.”

Ezra’s the best brother Frankie could have. Maybe anyone. Well, Marcel is the best, but Ezra is so close.

“Then you came in with quote unquote wild hair and the prettiest face Frank has ever seen and changed her life.”

Jasmine lets it soothe her heart, but it’s merely a plaster right now. She needs Frankie.

“About three weeks ago,” he says softly. “She told grandma about you. Just casually, like the idea of hiding you was insane. She said she was going to move in with her girlfriend.”

Jasmine frowns. She could have. Jasmine would have let her after she’d discussed it with the children. Lani has not-so-subtly asked if she’s moving in for real about ten times. Marcel made space in the coat closet for her.

“I assumed you’d asked her already, but she said she was going to ask you.

You make her feel safe enough to ask for something.

Not a small thing either. She’ll panic and probably take three times longer than the average person, but she was planning on talking to you about it.

She trusts you in a way she doesn’t trust anyone else. ”

Jasmine sighs again, wiping her tears against the blanket.

Frankie loves her. She might come out the other side different, and perhaps she won’t love her anymore, but for a small while, she did.

That’s the most important thing. Jasmine is just a human under a million stars, and at some point, somehow, she was lucky enough for Frankie to love her.

She has no idea how she would ever get over something like that.

Jasmine’s eyes close, and Ezra’s breathing gets slower. Then, Frankie screams against her pillow, and Jasmine’s head spins around.

“I’ll go,” she says, when Ezra goes to move. “Sleep. Please.”

Jasmine pads over. “Frank?” she asks quietly. Slowly, with all the kindness she can muster, which is a lot. It’s a lot because it’s about Frankie.

Frankie mumbles, and Jasmine sits softly on the edge of her bed. There are no blankets when she’s alone because it’s boiling in here, and she gets herself caught up.

“Frankie.”

Jasmine runs her fingers along her thigh.

She wants to get on the bed and hold her close and tell her she’s safe, but that’s not what Frankie needs.

Jasmine has to wait for her. The other day, Frankie asked for her girlfriend from college, and Jasmine almost broke in half, but she held her hand anyway.

Sometimes it’s terrifying and long and Jasmine’s heart barely makes it, but Frankie always wants her in the end.

“Jasmine?” she asks, a few minutes later. Like she knew Jasmine needed her tonight.

“Hey,” she replies quietly. “Hi, my girl.”

Frankie shuffles, and Jasmine moves closer. She runs her finger along Frankie’s hairline. It’s grown a little.

“How are you feeling?” Jasmine asks. Frankie blinks. Her eyes won’t focus on anything.

“Can you get Jasmine?” she asks. Jasmine chews on her lip and looks over at Ezra. His head is rested on the back of the couch, looking at them. He’s supposed to be asleep, but he’ll make sure Frankie is okay first.

“I’m here,” Jasmine whispers, reaching for Frankie’s hand. “I’m right here. ”

Frankie runs her thumb over her knuckles as her eyes close. She pulls her closer, and Jasmine lies down next to her.

“You can sleep,” Jasmine whispers. “You’re safe. You can sleep.”

“Jasmine,” she mutters. “You’re –”

“I’m what?”

Frankie doesn’t open her eyes. “You’re the best thing I ever did.”

“I love you,” Jasmine says quietly, then, “You are so easy to love, Frank.”

Jasmine presses her lips to Frankie’s temple. “Get out of your head, pretty girl. Let me take care of it tonight. I’ve got you, I promise.”

Frankie’s lips brush her collarbone and it gives her everything she needs. “Did you know the brain reinvents itself? Every seven or so years, every cell in your body is replaced. Soon, this won’t have happened. Being this sad won’t even be in your body anymore.”

Frankie cries softly, but Jasmine holds her tighter. She tells her facts that aren’t quite facts—Jasmine made them up—but, so? In seven years, she can pretend she never said it at all. In seven years, she’ll be better at this. In seven years, Frankie will still be here.

“I’m going to talk until you fall asleep, because you’re obsessed with me and you like my voice,” Jasmine says quietly. Frankie hums like a cat, and Jasmine pulls her closer, until her head rests under her chin.

“Even if nothing changes,” Jasmine whispers, “you are good and kind and just about my favourite person in the world, and I’ll love you until the stars burn from the sky.”

“Love me,” Frankie mumbles against her collarbone.

“I love you,” Jasmine repeats. “I want to know what back pain feels like when I haven’t even done anything with you.

I want my bones to knock together as I breathe because I’m so old with you.

I want lines on my face, blurry vision and to eat pudding for every meal as long as it’s with you.

I want to sit on a porch swing you forced me to buy, and I pretended to hate.

I want to frown at the phone because the kids haven’t called that day.

I want to be old with you. Only with you. Always with you.”

Frankie’s breathing settles a little while later, her fingers no longer tapping against Jasmine’s spine.

“I love you,” Jasmine repeats, as Frankie falls asleep. “I’ll always love you. When you wake up, you can love whoever you want. I won’t be mad. Just wake up.”