Page 32 of Sucker Punch (The Riot Crew #1)

Chapter 32

Bones

F ucking hell , my brain swam with chaos as I took in Lotto’s update of what the doctor had said, that they had been released from the hospital, and were on the way home.

I sat in Ari’s office. Stunned. Frozen. Broken.

We had just flown back from Detroit, and Ari was cutting me a check for my share of the night’s winnings. It was a nice purse, but not anywhere close to even making mortgage let alone the other bills. Medical expenses on top of that? Forget it.

Ari slipped her hand onto my thigh, trying to calm me down, but even her touch wasn’t enough right now. Not when my entire world had been shaken up.

“I wish you would have told me,” she said softly. “You can trust me with stuff like that, you know.”

“Everything is just a whirlwind right now,” I offered, noticing pain in her eyes. I couldn’t tell if it was the result of me shutting her out, or if she was feeling my pain herself.

As we all filed out from the office, I felt like I was floating on air, having a horrible, sickening out-of-body experience. I no longer felt connected to anything anymore.

“I’m sorry,” Ari said quietly to me once we were out in the hallway.

“Thank you,” I mumbled.

“Had I known it was so serious… I would have canceled the fight. You should have told me.”

I shook my head. “Lotto insisted, and he was right, but I need to get back now.”

She pulled me in for a hug. I willed myself to feel something… anything would do at this point, but it was as if my body had shut down completely. I couldn’t actually feel anything—unless you counted misery.

“Do you want me to go home with you?” she asked, no doubt trying to make me feel better.

“No, I need to go and look after my dad,” I said, “but I’ll see you soon, okay?”

I walked away from her, feeling even more alone than ever before. I was pushing her away, rejecting her when all she had done was care about me. But my mind was consumed with the problem at hand. I needed to solve this now. I needed to make this right, and I really didn’t know how.

As I got into the car, and I started to drive my way home, an idea from the deep, dark pit of my mind began to form. One that I didn’t want to ever have to consider again. It was wrong, sickening, but I really had tried everything else.

This time, I’d done my best to do things the right way. I had tried to go down the responsible route, and I’d gotten nowhere.

I didn’t want to have to admit that the shady route I took before might be the only way, but I was desperate. I was freaking the fuck out, and if I didn’t do something , I’d regret it forever.

I didn’t have much time. My dad was getting weaker and weaker by the day. Hell… it seemed like he was getting weaker by the hour.

Fuck it. Fuck it, fuck this world, fuck everything . What the hell was I supposed to do? What was the right way to move forward now? What I was considering was wrong. I was supposed to be more responsible now, more mature, but I couldn’t see any other way out.

By the time I got back home, my mind was made up. I didn’t want to have to accept it, to have to admit it, but I was fucking doing it anyway.

I felt like utter shit as my heart tore through my chest, telling me I was wrong. My heart knew it was a bad choice. My brain screamed at me to stop, but I was shutting it all the fuck down. There was no listening to my emotions. There was no listening to my brain. I just needed to do what I had to.

I drew a deep breath, glanced at the business card between my fingers, and started to dial the number with a shaking hand.

“What the hell are you doing?” my dad’s voice rang out, making me jump. He yanked the card out of my hand. “When I first saw that business card sitting on the table, I assumed that it had to be there for a good reason. But now I’m standing here watching you actually take that step? Are you going to call that man for money? Tell me I’m wrong!” There was real anger in his tone, and disappointment, too. His reaction made me feel physically ill. “You’re calling that asshole? One mistake is forgivable… but two?”

“Look, Dad, I need to do this. I can’t just stand aside and leave you here with no treatment. I have to do this. I don’t have any other choice. Trust me, I’ve been through every other option. This really is it.”

“You need to put an end to this foolishness, right now,” he warned, totally not getting it. “There is no way that I’m being treated by money found in this way again. It ruined your life last time. It tore you apart.”

“Dad, stop it. Stop trying to prevent me from doing what I need to do. I cannot lose you. I can’t just do nothing. I know that this ruined my life last time. I’m aware of that. I know that I’m risking it all again, but I’ll do it for you. And don’t stand there and tell me you wouldn’t do the exact same thing if you were in my shoes.”

“I don’t want you to!” he yelled. “I don’t want to keep fighting. I don’t want to go through all the excruciating and painful treatments again only to live a couple more years or even months. It isn’t worth it. Not for me anyway. I would rather die peacefully now. To go and be with my Louisa in Heaven than to keep on fighting. I’m tired, son. I’m really, really tired.”

My dad never talked about my mother anymore. It was as if the mere thought of her damn near killed him, so it showed me how serious he was that her name rolled off his tongue. I barely remembered my mother, but I was grateful to her for saving me from a life in the foster care system or worse. I’d always had a lot of love for her, but I didn’t want to lose my dad to her. Not yet. I wasn’t ready. He might not want to live anymore, but I couldn’t live without him. I needed to do this with his permission, or without it.

“I am not going to be responsible for you losing your career again. You have it good now. You have it right. I’m not willing to be the thing that gets in your way. I need you to pause for a moment and stop this spiral.”

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing,” I screamed back at him, frustration racing through my body. “I actually cannot believe what you’re saying. You’re just giving up on life. Is that it? Giving up on me, and for what? Because you’re scared? Well, you go on and be scared. I don’t give a shit anymore. I refuse to let fear take you away from me. I just won’t have it.”

I tried my best to stare him down, but he wasn’t having any of it. He looked back at me with as much determination in his gaze, refusing to back off. So, I grabbed hold of my car keys and stormed outside.

Luckily, despite Dad’s rants and snatching the card from my hand, I knew where Nero would be from all of our time together before. I could still go and get that money, no matter what my father said. I was going to go there, to his hole-in-the-wall bar, and ask for a loan. I’d have to go through a whole range of bullshit to get that money back to him, and it would certainly lose me my place at Smiley’s , but right now my mind wasn’t in a good place. I was not thinking about me and my career anymore. Just like I hadn’t last time. I was only thinking about my dad and saving his life.

I wouldn’t let myself get sucked into the addiction this time. I was sure of that. I would be able to pull myself out of it no matter how hard it was to resist. This was a loan. A dirty, fucking filthy loan. Nothing more. It would not become my drug. Not again.

Then again, I didn’t think that I would be going back down this road again either, yet here I was, doing just that.

As I sped along the road, I allowed everything I was giving up to flood through my mind. Smiley’s , the trust that people had in me, my relationship with my dad…

Ari.

Of course, Ari. I was going to have to give her up to get through all of this. I could not drag her down with me. It was one thing to give up my own career, but to lose hers, too… There was no way I could do that. I could be selfish when it came to me, but not her. I was falling for her, caring about her. I adored her, but I couldn’t drag her the hell down. Not for me. It wasn’t her fight. It wasn’t anyone’s fight but mine. I needed to stand alone. Even if that meant losing Lotto, too.

Although something in my gut told me he’d stand by my side through it all, just like before. I fucking hoped so. I’d need those broad shoulders of his to help carry this weight.

I really didn’t want to have to think about giving up Ari, but there was no way she’d want me now. She’d put her faith in me, drawn me into the gym, and I was about to throw it away. Frankie would lose his shit, too.

I knew that, yet I still couldn’t stop myself. I needed to do this, and there was nothing strong enough to keep me from making this choice. I couldn’t lose another parent. I didn’t know my birth father. He could be any scumbag on the planet. My real mother didn’t want me. My adoptive mother died when I was young, and now I was losing Cisco, too. That fucking cancer was going to get him. It was going to kill him, and I was going to have no fucking family left.

Without him, I was nothing. Without him, I would completely fall apart. There wasn’t any foundation for me to exist upon. Over and over, I tried to justify my actions. Repeating the same thoughts to somehow make this all right. But it was wrong. I knew it was wrong. But I still had no other choice.