Page 54 of Stalked By Pestilence

I balked. “No way. So you were actually being followed by a bird this whole time?!”

She seemed satisfied I’d acknowledged it. “I told you so.”

“Damn, dude. That’s weird as shit. Well, it was before I met a snake monster.” I peeked to see if Zelus had followed, but he was nowhere in sight. “What now?”

Asha’s smile faded and she leaned back. “I’m not sure. That’s what they’re trying to figure out. War, her name is Ares, won’t be an issue. She doesn’t want the apocalypse and has been in contact with Than about it. Limos, you met him, is the only one left to convince. I don’t think it’ll take much to get him on board, but he’s tough to find. Hopefully he’ll respond when they message him.”

At least we only had one more to convince so I didn’t end up on Lucifer’s shit list.

Asha lowered her voice. “Zelus is afraid of something happening to you again. You can’t wander the mortal plane without being at risk of running into demons and angels. Unlike me, you don’t have powers to protect yourself and Zelus doesn’t have control over souls like we do. You’re still a wandering spirit that Thanatos had to tether here.”

Tether? I imagined a rope around my ankle as my body tried to float off like that house in Up. Hilarious. Then another bit she’d said snagged my focus.

I put up a hand, clearing my throat. “Excuse you. What do you mean angels?”

She laughed and slapped my hand. “I told you everyone wants us out of the picture. That includes angels. They want to please God by ensuring the end comes or make us cross over so there’s no risk of the apocalypse happening.”

“Yeesh. We’re so damn popular. Okay, so I stay here forever?” I surmised.

Her eyes sparkled. “Would you want to?!”

“Duh, you’re here.”

“And Zelus,” she amended.

I shrugged, still whirling from the confession earlier. “I’ve known the dude for a week and he tried to kill you.”

Her eyes saw right through me. “Oh, I know what this is.” She nodded as if she was a therapist coming to a natural conclusion on their patient. “You’re scared.”

My mouth fell open and the outrage that left it was far squeakier than I intended. “I am not.”

“You are. You’re in luuuuurve. You wanna have his afterlife babies and spank him ‘til eternity do you part!” she nearly screamed before my hand clapped over her mouth.

“Even if that wasslightlytrue, it’d never work. He’s a snake monster who sings like a beautiful canary and spreads good cheer and illness, and I’m a respectable soul wandering in limbo who can’t do anything but exist and only knows how to beat someone down verbally. We have nothing in common.”

Her cackle was deranged, and it made me laugh without meaning to. “You should write that story. You know, in all your afterlife free time that you have now.”

“You want me…to work in my afterlife? What kind of monster are you?! Also, who would read it? Your birds?”

The giggles were endless between us, and I couldn’t have asked for a better person to spend my afterlife with. The dark jokes were saving me from the crash of reality.

Asha was suddenly on Thanatos’s lap. She wrapped her arms around him and gave the smiling jerk a very thorough greeting kiss. Girl was checking for cavities it was so thorough.

“Figure anything out?” she finally asked after playing dentist.

His smile was dopey. Mine would be too if I’d been tongued down with such enthusiasm. I had to give it to my friend, she had a way with Death.

“Nearly. Zelus insists on staying here until we’ve figured out a way to deal with the issue of stopping the apocalypse.”

As if he’d summoned the asshole, I was suddenly on his lap, except he got an ear tug and growl instead of a dental check. His smile was just as dopey, though. I’d forgotten I was dealing with a masochist here.

“Thanatos and your best mate will seek out Ares and Limos. You and I are going to spend some time together in the meantime,” he said as if I’d asked.

I glanced at Thanatos to confirm. His nod dragged out a sigh from me. “Do I have a choice?”

“Nope!” Zelus chuckled with a squeeze.

I smacked his arms and stared at my bestie, fully expecting her to save me, but the bitch just smiled and shrugged.