Page 30 of Spotted at Lighthouse Bay (Spotted Cottage #4)

The sun peeked from behind the house. The water was flat, and the air was filled with the chirping of birds as they carried out their important work.

Rick checked all the rooms in the house. Empty. Apparently Russell was tied up at the sea pen site, and Sheila was staying in Seattle to record her album.

He made a sandwich and cup of tea for Addy, then sent her upstairs to take a nap.

“I feel like I’m in trouble,” Addy said with a laugh.

Rick shook his head. “You’re not the one in trouble. I am. I’ll tell you everything after you get some rest.”

Surprisingly, she didn’t argue. Rick sat on the floor outside her room until she emerged three hours later.

“It’s sort of embarrassing,” she said after she opened the door, her hair pressed to her forehead, her skin crossed with red creases. “To be sent away to nap like a baby.”

“Not a baby. Like someone who was kidnapped.”

She smiled and shook her head. “I wasn’t kidnapped. I got trapped in the back of the van by my own accord.”

He stared into her eyes. He’d thought he might never see them again. What a horrible world that would’ve been. If

something had happened to her, he wouldn’t have been able to live with himself.

“Would you like another cup of tea?” he asked.

“Tea would be great.”

Downstairs, he put the kettle on and set out two mugs. It was time to confess. “I’m going to start from the beginning. I never should’ve taken this job. I wasn’t fit to, and it was a selfish move.”

Addy sat on a stool, her head slightly tilted. “What are you talking about? You’re a great bodyguard.”

He put a bag of chai into her mug, a bag of Earl Grey into his. “I wasn’t honest with you. I didn’t leave my last job because I was bored.” He turned to face her, his arms crossed over his chest. “I was having events.”

“What kind of events?” Addy asked.

“It started after I lost my cousin. Something would set me off and I couldn’t breathe. My chest would get tight, and I thought I was going to die.”

The tea kettle went off. He turned, pouring boiling water into her mug, then his.

“I thought something was wrong with my heart, but the doctor told me they were panic attacks.” He set a timer for the tea. “I left my job after having one during a meeting. I can’t tell you how embarrassing that was.”

Steam rose up, circling and disappearing into the air. He turned, a mug in each hand, bracing for the horror on her face.

“Oh.” Addy wrapped her hands around the mug. “That’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“When you’re supposed to be in charge, it’s very embarrassing. I kept losing control, and I felt like I was falling apart.”

“I see,” she said, slowly nodding. “But you still –”

He put up a hand. “I need you to know the full story.”

She scrunched her shoulders and nodded.

“When a friend of mine offered me a position at IronClad Elite, I was desperate. I needed to prove I wasn’t falling apart. I needed to prove I could still react, still protect someone. I was convinced if I could do that, then the panic attacks would stop.”

Rick paused, rubbing his face with his hand. She was never going to look at him the same again, but it was for the best. She deserved to know.

He cleared his throat and went on. “I can’t predict when they are going to happen, though, and when they start, I’m completely useless. It wasn’t fair to you, it wasn’t safe for you, and I am so sorry.”

“No apology needed, Rick,” she said quickly.

Of course she would say that. “When we argued yesterday, I felt a panic attack coming and I didn’t want you to see.

That’s why I left.” He lowered his eyes, focusing on his tea.

“I left you vulnerable because I’m broken.

I’m not fit to help anyone.” He looked up, meeting her eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Addy. I cannot express to you how sorry I am. If anything had happened to you…”

The timer went off. He took out the teabags and took a sip of tea. His throat loosened slightly with the burn.

She was quiet. Maybe she was deciding if she should yell at him. Scold him for putting her life in danger.

He deserved that, and more. He braced his grip on the counter.

She tapped his knuckles with her fingers. Her touch was as soft as rain.

“I have to disagree with some of the things you said,” Addy said with a smile. “You’re not falling apart. You’re not broken. You’re extremely capable, Rick. You found me in the back of that van, somehow.”

He shook his head. “That never should’ve happened.”

“Can I ask something?”

“Anything.”

“What triggered your panic attack yesterday?”

He sighed. “It started when they told me the job was over. I felt the chaos coming on at the idea that you’d be unprotected. That was why I called your ex-husband. I didn’t mean to disrespect you. I was desperate.”

“Then, when he called and told me to grow up…”

“Yeah,” Rick said. “That was when it fully hit. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t think of any other options.”

She set her mug down. “What I’m hearing is that your panic attacks happen when you feel like you’re out of control.” She paused. “Not out of control, exactly. When you can’t protect someone.”

He looked into his mug. When he’d had a panic attack at work, it was right after getting a call about his mom. She’d called an ambulance, thinking she was having a stroke.

Then, another time, he was driving and saw a car veer off the road. He was useless then, too, trapped in his own car, unable to breathe. Unable to even call 911.

Rick shrugged. “I guess.”

“It started after Cody passed away. When you decided you should’ve protected him,” she added.

His chest hardened, his lungs like blocks of ice. He forced himself to take a breath. “Yeah. Maybe.”

“I’m sorry. Did I cross a line?” Addy asked. “I didn’t mean to. It just seems from the outside that –”

“No, you’re right. I’ve thought about it, and how it didn’t make sense, but it doesn’t help. It doesn’t stop the panic attacks. I thought if I could prove to myself that I wasn’t useless –”

“You’re not useless.”

“I’m falling apart, Addy. I really am.” He stared at her. It felt like his eyelids had picked up sand, grinding with every blink. “I’m no good for anybody.”

“You may be falling apart, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.”

This made him laugh, Addy’s deluded optimism. He hadn’t expected it to swing back around for him. “Oh, really?”

“When I was going through my divorce, I felt like I was falling apart, too. I was always anxious. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. My head was jumbled. I was sure I was losing it.”

He knew that feeling well.

She went on. “I used to get lunch with a friend at the university. He was a psychology professor, and he told me about a Polish psychologist, Kazimierz D?browski. His theory was that inner turmoil isn’t necessarily a sign of mental illness. He thought it could be a sign of growth.”

Rick frowned. “This doesn’t feel like growth.”

“I know,” Addy said with a laugh. “It feels like falling apart, because in a way, it is. He called it ‘positive disintegration.’ You break down, yes, but then you have the chance to put yourself back together. You become more emotionally complex, more mature.”

“So you’re saying,” Rick said slowly, “that I’m Humpty Dumpty?”

A scowl crossed her face. “You and I both know all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again.” A laugh burst out of her.

Rick found himself laughing too. “Is that not the case here?”

“You don’t need the king’s horses, or the king’s men. You’re putting yourself back together. You might be falling apart now, but you won’t be falling apart forever. You’re looking inward. You’re coming back stronger. I promise.”

He took a sip of tea. It had cooled, almost lukewarm now. “This doesn’t change the fact that I should’ve sorted this out before I took on the job of protecting you.”

“Eh.” She waved a hand. “I disagree. We make a great team. Plus, it’s not your job to protect me anymore. You got fired.”

He nodded. “I sure did.”

“Maybe you’ve been in the protector role for too long.” Her eyes were fixed on him now. “Maybe you need a break.”

He flinched. “I don’t know about that.”

“Sometimes an idea has been in our heads so long, we don’t even think to question it. You don’t have to protect everyone to be worth something, Rick. You’re worthy just as you are.”

“This is turning into a motivational speech.”

Addy grinned. “I had a lot of time to think in the back of that van. I was trying to prove something, too…that I wasn’t useless.

Same word you keep repeating. I needed to show that I was worth something.

More than what my ex-husband thought of me.

More than what the world thought of me: an old, washed up, middle-aged woman. ”

“Of course you’re worth something,” he sputtered. “You’re amazing, Addy. You’re not old or washed up.”

“But I am middle aged.”

Rick smiled. “Aren’t we all?”

She patted him on the hand. “You’re still young. You’ll find a way to put yourself together again, in a way that’s not tangled with old ideas.”

His chest floated, light and airy, the crushing weight drifting off like steam, disappearing into the air.

“I hope you’re right.”

She sat up straight. “I won’t preach anymore. I’ll give you a break. Plus, I need to know how you found me.”

A smile pulled at his lips. This was much easier for him to talk about than the rest of that stuff.

He told her all about it – how once he had seen Cliff at IronClad Elite and gotten intel on him, he’d discovered Cliff was in charge of four other companies in the area, one of which was Lighthouse Bay.

That was the first place he’d checked after talking to Mia.

He’d picked the lock at the trailer and watched the security footage.

He’d watched footage of Addy walking around the Lighthouse Bay building and confronting the scumbags.

Then, after seeing Addy disappear into the van, he checked the other two businesses in Bellingham.

The second one had the locked parking lot with the deserted van.

“It was easy, really,” he said. “I’m just sorry I didn’t find you sooner.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t wait for you! I wish I could pick locks,” she laughed.

“Oh, right, about that.” He walked over to the door and picked up a bag. “I found the safe in the trailer, but I couldn’t open it.”

“Ah. Bummer,” she said.

“But the money wasn’t in the safe. It was hidden at the bottom of a suitcase.”

Her jaw dropped open. “No! Rick! You found it?”

He grinned. “I did. Well, most of it. I’m not sure how much is left.” He dropped the bag on the kitchen island and unzipped it. “There’s a lot of cash in there.”

A white sheet of paper sat folded on top.

“That’s my mom’s handwriting!” Addy clutched at the piece of stationery with roses at the top. “This must’ve been her idea of a contract.”

“Looks binding to me.”

They erupted into laughter.

“I can’t believe this,” Addy said. “I can’t believe you. You’re amazing.” She paused. “Even if you hadn’t done any of this, you’d still be amazing.”

He held up a hand. “All right, all right. I can’t let this go to my head.”

“I can’t imagine it would.” She shook her head. “This is unreal. I have something to tell you, too.”

“Oh?” He settled into the seat next to her. He could listen to her talk for the rest of his life. “I’m all yours,” he said.