Page 47 of Special Agent Raven

Feeling sick for having him think she’d been inviting a seduction replay, she just nodded and walked way. How could she be such a fool for a man who couldn’t care less?

Chapter Thirty-six

Cane paced the kitchen for ten minutes after the others were settled for the night… praying she’d show up. Calling himself all sorts of names for his earlier behavior, he’d seen the hurt in Raven ‘s eyes before the coldness returned. That’s when it dawned on him what she’d thought.

No more than he deserved for being such a simpleton and a damn wuss… yet she had invited him to her room. Could he take that as a good sign? At this point, he’d take anything he could get. Never having been a romantic, he knew women expected men to be sensitive, show their feelings, talk about emotions, and make them feel wanted and loved. When he looked back at the relationship he’d shared so far with Raven, he understood how lacking his behavior had been.

Jesus, man you’re pathetic.

Gnawing the side of his cheek, he crossed his arms, his unforgiving attitude solely aimed at himself. If he hadn’t had more conversations with Noah over the last weeks, and anotherwith Winona, he’d still be wallowing in his black hole of misery. They’d helped him see the truth of his past and made it seem possible to talk about his worst nightmares with Raven. She had to understand why he’d behaved the way he did, but would he find the words to explain? For the millionth time, he went to practice his speech and then cussed when he hit a blank wall.

The right words would make all the difference, he knew that and worried he might stress out or get confused. God knows, he needed to make things clear without biting off his tongue or taking the coward’s way out and shutting down.

Tonight was his last chance. Unknown to her, he’d be leaving the next morning to go back to his job and make the final decision whether he’d be accepting Noah’s offer or not. Knowing that Raven lived in Houston had made him hesitate till now. Being closer to her would mean everything if she was willing to give him another chance.

Though he’d really wanted to tell Noah yes, the thought of being separated had made him put the brakes on. Now after she’d shared her news tonight about moving back home, things were different. Or maybe not. If she rejected him, he’d have to stay away. The chance of running into her around town seemed unthinkable.

Christ, where was she? The strain of waiting took its toll. He felt the sweat break out on his back, and his hands were tight and dry from being clenched so hard. He spread his fingers, and waved them, trying to get the blood flow back.

Explaining his feelings had never been his strong suit. In fact, he’d sucked at it all his life. Even as a teenager, he’d stumble when forced into the limelight. But now that he knew an explanation would be the only way he could make this woman understand him, he had to man up. Not easy for a guy who never had the gift of gab. If he lost her, he’d lose any chance of a happy future, and he knew it. Asshole that he was, he’d left it till thevery last minute, and now that the time had run out, he had to try.

Suddenly, he looked up, knowing she’d entered the room. He reached over to pour her a glass of wine while he stuck with his Ginger Ale. “Thank you for coming.”

She sat across from him and leaned back in her chair. Her hair lay over her shoulders, wavy and soft the way he loved to see it. She wore tight, black leggings and a cozy pullover in a rich creamy color that made her skin glow with good health. The type of evening attire she seemed to prefer which always made his hunger explode. Her gorgeous brown eyes looked everywhere but at him. “So… you wanted to talk to me.”

“Yes. I did… do. I-I’ve been trying to get you alone for days now.” When he saw her eyes widen, he realized how those words sounded and groaned. “I don’t mean that the way it sounded. It’s just that I need to explain. About me. Why I am like I am… a bumbling idiot.”

Her lips turned up in a smile she held back. “I’m listening.” She looked at the wine glass in her hand, but the softness in her voice gave him hope.

“First of all, you should understand that I’m a full-fledged jackass who has the gift of sticking my foot in my mouth whenever it comes to heart-to-hearts. So please bear with me.”

This time she grinned at him and looked into his eyes. “I know that much about you.” She teased him, and he loved it. The easy way she acted helped him finally relax.

“I’ve been talking with Noah and Winona. They both say I need to explain to you why I’m this way.”

“What way?”

Now he had her full attention.

“Numb is the best description I can think of. You probably haven’t noticed, but I’ve been half alive for years. Three years on June 7th to be exact.” He hesitated, sucking in a chest full of airbefore blurting out his confession.” That’s the night I killed my wife and son in a car accident. Everyone said that the drunk in the other car who ran a light and smashed into us was at fault, but I know in my heart that the blame lies with me. I wasn’t paying the attention I should have that night. Instead, I was thinking about a hard case, and my mind had wandered.”

Raven sat forward now, her hand reaching for his. “Hold it. Why are you taking all the blame? Are you playing that card so… so it gives you a pass for your bad behavior? Is that what you’re saying?”

His eyes widened. He wondered if he’d heard her correctly. “Excuse me?” Her words cut and had his full attention.

“Okay, Look at it this way. Rather than accepting that this was an accident and go through the normal grieving process, maybe it made the acceptance easier if you called yourself the son of a bitch at fault. That would give you permission to go on hating yourself, acting out, drinking till you were blotto, and being downright suicidal.”

Suddenly, he saw where she was going, and it made sense. He leaned forward, his body tight while his brain processed her words. “Yeah. You’re right. It gave me a pass to get stinkin’ drunk for a long time rather than come to terms with my self-hate. I lost a lot of our friends and came close to losing my job.”

“I’m so sorry, Cane. That must have been terrible for you.”

He felt himself bristling at those words… the same ones he’d repudiated in the past. Until she pulled at his hand and reiterated. “I’m sorry you suffered that way. Now you accept my condolences and say two small heartfelt words. Thank you.”

Slowly, a huge weight dissipated from deep inside. She was right. All he had to say were two words. Though they were mumbled, they came from his core where tight bands had formed that horrible night and now began to loosen.

With a sob he couldn’t hold back, he said, “Thank you.”

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