Page 74 of Song of the Caged Duchess

“That isn’t true,” Esther said. “It was real. I might have told you I wanted love from the start, Hugh, and maybe that wasn’t true back then—”

“There’s no maybe about it,” Hugh said. “Be honest with me, for once. You weren’t concerned with love.”

“No, all right, I wasn’t,” Esther said. “But I amnow. I love you, Hugh. I fell in love with you. It was never a part of my plan, and I admit that. But it happened nonetheless.”

“Well, that’s very convenient,” Hugh said steadily.

“It’s the truth!” Esther said. “No one could manufacture what’s between the two of us. You’ve felt it. I know you have. It’s real, Hugh. I love you.”

He sighed. “I want to believe that,” he said.

“You can,” she said. “When I came to London, my lady’s maid, Amelia, warned me that I was making the wrong choices. She warned me that by following my parents’ advice, I would be missing out on a chance to find love. I dismissed her then, because I thought I knew best what was important in life. I thought if I married a wealthy gentleman, nothing else would matter. What difference did love make if my family was provided for? The only one I was hurting was myself.”

Hugh watched her, saying nothing.

“I understand now that that isn’t true,” she said. “I understand that my actions affected you just as much as they did me. And do you knowwhyI’ve come to understand that?”

“No.”

“Because I love you,” she said. “Because I think about what you need and how you feel. I think about it all the time, Hugh.”

Hugh could hardly look at her. The feelings she was describing were the same things he felt for her.

I have to believe her. Shedoeslove me. Because she’s right—no one could imagine these feelings if they hadn’t actually felt them. What’s between usisreal.

But even if it was—did that mean he wanted to move forward with her? Could he still love her in spite of what he had learned about her?

He wanted to. He wanted the future with her that he had begun to plan on.

But he was no longer sure.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Esther pleaded.

“If your mind really changed,” he said, “then why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell me that you never meant to fall in love? You kept that from me.”

“I was afraid, Hugh,” she whispered. “I was afraid that you would react the way you’re reacting right now. I thought you wouldn’t want anything to do with me if you knew the truth. You fell for me because you thought I was different from other ladies.”

“And you’re not.”

“Iam,” she said. “But when you first met me, when I first gained your admiration—no. I wasn’t. Not yet. I had to learn to be better than what my parents had made me. I had to learn how wonderful love could be.” She swallowed. “You taught me that, Hugh, don’t you see? You opened my eyes to everything I was missing.”

“But when I fell in love, it was with a lie,” he said quietly.

Tears spilled over, down her cheeks. He hated that she was crying. He wanted to take her in his arms and keep her safe from harm. He wanted to destroy whatever was hurting her.

What’s hurting her is me.

“Hugh, I love you,” Esther said. “Whatever I was in the past, can’t you see me as I am now? Can’t you see how sincere my feelings for you are?”

Yes.

“I don’t know,” he said aloud.

“I’ve never felt for anyone the way I do for you,” she said. “You have to believe me.”

“I don’t know if it matters,” Hugh said.

“How can it not matter? What’s more important than this?”