Page 92 of Solar Shadows

He snorted. “Don’t let Aaron hear you say that.”

I loved the snorty laugh he always made. “These games make me feel closer to him. As if I can feel him in every piece and every turn, you know?”

Crap. I was heading into sad territory.

He met my eyes, his incredible blue gaze fixating on me. “Can I ask what happened to him? You really don’t have to tell me.”

My chest was tangled with grief suddenly. “He…he died on the way to work. Hit by a speeding van, the driver lost control because he’d been on his phone. Hit my dad head on, and my dad…” I took a breath. “Because he’d been running late, he hadn’t worn his seatbelt, as the inquest said. He died the moment he went through the windscreen.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m so sorry.”

“I miss him a lot.”

The way he listened to me made feel like I was the center of the universe. A surprising trait for someone I’d expected to be all about himself twenty-four seven.

Look how his eyes sparkle…

His presence loosened my tongue further. “I think I need to explain why I reacted the way I did around Ben.”

“Only if you want to,” he countered.

“I do. I really do.” And so, I revealed my past tohim, how he did me dirty, how he’d destroyed my capacity to trust.

Speaking about it made it sound almost unreal. But it wasrealhurt,realpain Ben had sent my way. Making me feel useless, defeated.

Anger flashed in his eyes, letting out a huff. “Fuck him and the Hot Candy shit. I’m not doing it.” He folded his arms in a diva-like strop. “How can anyone be so cruel? And you’d think butter wouldn’t melt in his skanky mouth.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at his indignation. “Don’t turn down a lucrative contract because of my past.”

He rolled his eyes. “Oh, honey. I think the deal is dead anyway after…” He pulled his phone from the right pocket of his black jeans, staring at the screen. “I guess I can say goodbye to life as I used to know it.”

It was my turn to say sorry.

He scowled at his phone, putting it screen-down on the duvet. “Never mind all that. So, now you’ve seen Ben again, what happens next?”

I took a sip of the water before speaking. “I’m thinking I should talk to him, to exorcise some demons.”

“I get that. But also fuck him.” He rolled his eyes. “In the non-shagging way.”

I laughed, his eye-rolling cute. “What about Tony?”

He tensed, eyes moving to the boardgame between us. “I fucked up.” He explained about textinghim after getting his message. “I don’t know what came over me. We ended for a good reason. Because of him, because I saw the light when he left me. Why would I want to go back to that?” He sighed, those incredible blue eyes finding me again. “Because he showed me some attention? Pfft. He’s bad news in more ways than one, always has been. Fuck knows what comes next, and it terrifies me. This whole life terrifies me. Shit. Sorry, I’m dumping on you, and I don’t know why.”

I let him talk, liking him trusting me with this.

There’d been a shift in the energy between us. Because of the cuddly aftermath of his healing me, or maybe because I finally saw the error of my misjudgment. I didn’t know but bring it all on.

Man, those sparks…

I only knew that he left me breathless in the good way.

“Honestly, things are getting messy in here,” he tapped on his skull. “And here.” He drew a circle around his heart. “I’m trying to be strong. I like to be strong because it’s always served me well. Determination coupled with kick-ass bravado made me fight to get what I want. And I carry that with me in everything I do, especially being The Sun.” His shoulders sagged a little. “But I’m flagging. I’m lost. One moment I think I can step up and lead, the next I’m flat on my backside.”

Man, he seemed so vulnerable. “You think of yourself as a leader?”

He rolled his shoulders, sitting up straighter. “I know I’m only the oldest brother by like minutes, but I feel like I have the responsibility of the big brother role on my shoulders. And that’s not meant to sound whiny. I like it. I want to be in this position. But how can I lead when I’m lost and making stupid decisions?”

I was an only child, so I didn’t understand how he felt. But my heart went out to him. Dealing with that along with the fate of the world would be too much for anyone.