Page 29 of Size Game

I sit on my bed so that I can hear Sadie, just in case. I have my phone in my hand, but I have to figure out what I want to say before I can even make the call. Over and over I think of my options, and at least in my head, none of them have a good outcome.

I have feelings for Claire—I know I do. I didn’t think I would. I thought that this was going to be just a fling, like we’d agreed. I thought that I would never feel something like this again after Mary.

But I was wrong.

Claire came into my life and knocked me off balance. I sit there looking down at my phone, and I can’t help but feel simultaneously sad and happy. I want to call her, to hear her voice. But I know if she says no, I would be devastated.

I contemplate my feelings a while longer and finally muster up the courage to push the Call button. The phone rings and rings. Each time I hear it ring, I want to hang up. Finally, she answers.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Claire. It’s Alex.”

“Yeah, caller ID.”

“Right. Look I wanted to know if we could… maybe talk about things a little.”

“Now is not a good time, Alex.”

“What about tomorrow? Or Tuesday?”

“Alex… I don’t have time right now. Sorry.”

I can hear that there’s something wrong. I start to wonder if it’s me.

“Wednesday?”

“It’s not a good idea. We’ve already overstayed our one night.”

“I just want to talk, I swear. We can get a coffee or lunch or…”

“I’m not feeling very well right now. I have to go.”

“Claire—”

“Bye, Alex.”

The phone goes dead. My heart drops. My hands fall between my knees, and the phone clanks onto the floor. I don’t really know what I’m feeling, but it’s terrible. I feel sick to my stomach, my heart aches, my mind is foggy, and all I want to do is be near Claire.

14

Claire

I’ve gotten no less than a dozen phone calls from Alex within the last forty-eight hours. I haven’t answered a single one of them. I want to, but at the same time I know I can’t. It’s not that he’s done something wrong or that he’s a bad person or anything like that. I really do like him, but I know it’s over. It’s more than over.

I wasn’t expecting to stay over at Alex’s place after the party. It was great that he invited me over, and I’d felt like I should at least help him get all of Sadie’s gifts home safe. It was really nice to get to know him a little better, even if it was over a few bottles of wine. I honestly can’t say that the sex that night was bad. It was more than amazing.

Waking up next to him was wonderful, but that was not supposed to on the table. It took me by surprise and I think I may have hurt Alex when I left like that, but I had to. I couldn’t risk Sadie waking up to me and her father either in bed or having breakfast as disheveled as we were.

Once I got home, I immediately took a shower and just relaxed for a few minutes until it dawned on me that I was late. I’d thought I was just nervous or stressed or whatever, and one or two days isn’t that big of a deal usually. Things happen and hormones and cycles get wonky. But I’ve never beenthislate.

I went back into the bathroom and took a pregnancy test. That’s when I found out. Mere seconds after reading the dipstick, I got the call from Alex. I both wanted to burst into tears and tell him the exciting news, but I couldn’t muster either.

When I finally got him off the phone, I took another one, just to be sure. That little plus sign came up again, bright as day. I sat in my living room most of the day, wondering what I could do. Alex already told me that he doesn’t think he’d want more kids, and we had already agreed this was a fling. I certainly don’t think I could handle this whole thing on my own, but it would be wrong to go through the final option without talking to him first, wouldn’t it?

I took the day off on Monday to sit with my thoughts and gather any information I could from any help website I could find. I was quite surprised by the sheer amount of information there is out there about this kind of stuff: blogs and videos and message boards all about flings gone wrong. I reached out to a few women who each had their own take on the matter.

Today I’ve been quiet at work and no one has really bothered me, which is just what I was hoping for. I know that I have the time to meet with Alex, but I don’t know what I’d say.