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“Well, it is! I speak to Mommy, I call her out, and I get her excuses too. Wanna hear the latest one? She thought Brandon would be like you. She thought he would help with us and become some kind of homemaker. I don’t know what kind of Chardonnay she’s downing, but that? Insane. Even I know better.”

“I hope you do.”

“Independent woman and all that Beyoncé bull. Nobody can do everything on their own. It doesn’t work like that. We need help. I need help.”

“I know that.”

“Not all the help, though. I’m going to go over to Sarah’s. I haven’t seen her for years, and if I’m going back to school, I will need some intel. I need to be in the know. And also, I need to have people. Otherwise, I’ll just be the new girl, and that’s a shitty place to be.”

“Language.” I sighed. “Constance.”

“If I talk like a posh private school girl, I’ll get shit for it.”

“You are a posh private school girl.”

“Where do I belong? ”

I hadn’t even noticed him, crawling across the sofa, but here he was, my Marmie, hanging over the armrest, staring at me.

“You said Phinney doesn’t know where he belongs. Where does he belong?”

“That’s a very good question,” I replied, having to swallow down emotions. I had no idea. Where did we all belong?

“I don’t know where I belong.”

“We belong with each other.” Constance saved me. “Because we’re family.”

“Mommy is family.”

Marmaduke was bright. Smart. God. My kids. How I’d missed this.

“Mommy will always be your mommy,” I stated, feeling like a fraud. “She’s going to look after you. Always.”

“But we’re here now.”

“Yes. And this is your house. Your home. This is where you belong. At home. ”

I was speaking out of turn, selling a dream that was in no way a definite truth, promising them a future I couldn’t guarantee. My stomach hurt. Everything hurt. My heart.

“Is that why you stayed here? Mommy kept saying you should sell. I was scared that you would.”

Now Constance was on the floor too, all of us sitting here, even Phinney, backed up against the wall, like he couldn’t get any further away from me.

“I couldn’t,” I spoke softly. I wanted so badly for them to understand where I was coming from here.

“Because…this is home. You were born here. Mommy gave birth to all of you right down here in this room. We had a birthing pool and a doula and all that. This is where we had the best time with you guys. Where we were happy. It’s our house.

Your rooms. My… We were family here. I hope we can be happy here again. However this—”

“I don’t want to go to school,” Marmie said, crawling off the sofa.

I breathed out. He wasn’t wearing a nappy, and that sofa… I needed to figure this out. Learn. So much to find out and get used to .

“Daddy, I don’t want to go to school because I don’t have friends. It’s not fun. Then people make fun of you, and I don’t want them to.”

“People can be mean,” I agreed. “But you liked school. When you lived here, you really liked it.”

“I don’t remember that,” he said. So sincere. So handsome.

I reached out and stroked his hair. He crawled onto my lap.

The peace in me that engulfed this place when the children were in it was a drug I never wanted to get out of my system.

“You did,” Constance said, fiddling with the towel on her head, then pulling it off and throwing it on the floor. “You were good at it too. Got really good grades.”

“I was only little.” Marmie pouted.

“Yes,” I agreed, “but you were good. And maybe we can see if someone from school wants to come over and hang out?”

“They’ll only hate me. I speak funny, and I wet myself. It’s not good, Daddy.”

“You speak great,” I said reassuringly .

“That’s what Mommy says, and she lies.”

Oh God.

“It’s only our first day here, and we’ve all become so serious,” I said. Mostly me. “So, I was thinking…”

I had no thoughts. No plans.

“Maybe we can all go to the park?”

“I’m going out,” Constance said, getting up. Please don’t leave. “I’ll text you later.”

“Where are you going?”

Constance was giving me the evil eye. “I have a bank card. I’ve lived in London all my life. I’m getting the Tube to Sarah’s, and…we’ll see. I’m sixteen.”

“I know you are.”

“And I have a driving licence.”

“Not here, you don’t.” Stern father. Go me.

“I know.” She laughed. “I just love seeing you get mad. You’re too easy, Dad.

Oh and by the way? I was thinking, Marmie’s got his room, and Phinney has the nursery, but I thought maybe Phinney can have my room and I will move downstairs.

I could have my own flat and be out of your hair. You just have to move all your stuff. ”

“And where will I go?”

“You have a perfectly nice bedroom upstairs. It’s not like you need the house and the flat.”

“Constance.” I sighed.

“You can’t sleep down there and listen out for the boys. I’m not the night nanny.”

“You’re not,” I agreed. Oh, hell.

“Stewart will help you. And where is Jean?”

Actually, where was Jean? And I was supposed to have…

Fuck.

“Marmie!” I said, trying to sound enthusiastic. “Want to help me have a Teams meeting? You can choose the background.”

“I’m off. Think about it. You know it makes sense.” My daughter swanned out of the room.

And here was Phinney. Finally. Asleep on the floor.

“Shhh!” Marmie gestured, pointing at him. “Pilar lets him sleep on the floor. It’s easier.”

God help me.

And it was only day one.