Page 45 of Show Me

Once my brother leerily swore himself to secrecy, I sketched a rough picture of the situation with Jesse. And when I say rough, it was as rough as all my other attempts at art, meaning hardly more than a stick figure outline. I didn’t mention the videos.

When Joelhmmm’d, I could hear his frown through the phone. “Some of this doesn’t make sense. Actually, a lot of it. So you two decided to start hooking up just because. But now you think you like it, and you’re not sure what to do about it? I think the obvious answer would be to continue doing what you enjoy and maybe not jump the gun on dissecting it too much just yet. Honestly? I’m more concerned about this other guy.” Joel huffed out a breath. “You said he’s out, right? I’m not sure why any self-respecting out guy would mess around with someone who claims to be straight. No offense, because I love you and think you’re great, but really.”

Now I was the one frowning into the phone. That made Jesse sound bad, and I didn’t like that I’d painted him in a bad light that he didn’t deserve. “Uhhh no, back up. J…thisguyis definitely self-respecting. In fact, he’s the one—” I cut myself off with a swear. There really was no way to give Joel the full picture without…giving him the full picture.Pure brilliance, Sam. I rolled my eyes at myself. “Anyway, like I was saying. He’s very self-respecting.”

“So he’s just indulging himself in some good ol’-fashioned straight-boy kink? All right, respect. Fine. Can’t blame him, aside from the fact that you’re my brother. So, gross.”

“Straight-boy kink? Is that real?”

“Uh, yeah. It comes factory installed on plenty of us. Not all, but plenty. Sits parallel to the lesbian fantasy of the same and is kissing cousins to the straight-guy fantasy of two girls making out. The common thread? All of us arereallyhoping it works out in our favor in the end. But most of us know it won’t. Unless it’s happening in a porno.” He chuckled, and I frowned harder at the phone. I decided I needed out of this conversation.

“Still there?” Joel asked a second later.

“Yeah.”

He swore softly. “Man, I’m messing this up. Okay, shit, hang on. I’m so used to you being the big brother that it’s weird to hear you asking me for advice. Or whatever it is we’re doing here.” He cleared his throat. “Okay, remember when I came to you in eighth grade because I kissed that guy on the baseball team, and then flipped my shit because it was my first kiss, and even though I was sure I was gay it was still a little scary? I was worried about him saying something at the same time I was panicking over whether I should immediately announce that I was gay.”

I smiled. Joel had been so flustered it’d taken me a few minutes to figure out that he was ecstatic, not injured, but also panicky. “I remember.”

“And you told me to just take it easy and that I didn’t have to figure out everything all at once or blast my business right that second.” He paused. “So maybe you could take the same advice. If you’re into this guy, see how it goes.” His next pause was longer. “I will say, though, that if at any point you get an idea that you’re just using him and that maybe he’s into you? You should cut it off then, because that wouldn’t be fair to him.”

“I wouldn’t do that,” I promised, and meant it. I didn’t ever want to hurt Jesse. “Actually, I think the danger is more the reverse.”

“Oh, well, if that’s the case, I’ll kick his ass. How big is he?”

I laughed. “About your size. He’s really cute.”

“Oh god, my brother likes twinks. Of course you do, you big lunk. God, I’m sorry I asked. Okay, I’m ending this call now.” He groaned, but I could hear the smile in it. “Don’t keep me posted. Or do, but minimally.”

I wasn’t sure I’d solved anything, but just talking about it with my brother had made me feel better. And I mean, he’d basically given me permission—no,insisted—that it was best for me to continue to experiment. Who was I to deny the sage wisdom of my younger gay brother?

16

Jesse

“Hey.” Reid helped himself to a chair next to me in the cafeteria. “Can I join?”

“Usually you ask the question before you take the seat.” What was with people lately?

He chuckled as he unwrapped a sub. “Right. Gah, I forgot how funny you are. What are you looking at?” he asked as I made a point of glancing around.

“Listening for your invitation to join me.” I cupped my hand to my ear. “Nope. Nothing. Hmmm. Doesn’t sound promising. Goodbye. Table for cheaters is over that way. You don’t need an invitation for it. You just help yourself to whatever you want, like all the rest.”

Reid blew out a breath. “Jesse…”

The unfortunate thing I’d learned over the past three years about love and relationships was that nothing was ever finite and nothing was ever truly done. I could say I was over Reid breaking my heart, and I could believe it was true because it was in the most important sense. On a cerebral level I was done with him. But emotions didn’t work exactly the same. Those assholes had no concept of logic. They left little remnants that could activate over and over again, and I still felt a twinge of embarrassment and shame when I looked at him, because I’d been such a fool for him.

I made a shooing motion. “Off you go.”

“I was an idiot, Jesse, and I’m sorry.” Reid’s expression had all the right ingredients for somber and sincere, but I wasn’t sure I was buying it.

I put my hand up to ward off the apology. “You were definitely an idiot. It’s over and done now, though. No need to detail the many ways in which you were.”

“I don’t think I gave you a proper apology, though.”

“You gave me sunflowers. Believe me, that was enough.”

He sighed loudly. “You hate sunflowers. I know that. I knew that back then, too. I just wasn’t thinking straight and grabbed the first thing I saw.”