Page 10

Landon

Statistics class has got to be the most boring damn class I have ever stepped foot in. The professor is droning on and on about a formula on the board that I’ve already copied into my notes. This is not where I want to be right now. My head is still back in Kate’s car the other day when I almost kissed her. I was so close. That driver blasted the car’s horn and ruined the moment. Fucker.

I grit my teeth and lean back in my chair. Resting my arm across the back, I run my fingers through my hair. I’ve noticed that seems to be a nervous action I’ve been pulling a lot lately. My hair is always standing up funny. I shove my ball cap on backwards to keep my fingers from tearing through it over and over again.

All I know is that my head is everywhere and the only things I am sure of are baseball and my feelings for Kate. One I can count on to ground me and the other is teetering me on the edge of losing my mind. I can’t seem to bring myself to just say the words. I am so fricking scared of her rejecting me because of the risk of losing our friendship. But you see...even though she’s always been my best friend, I’ve always wanted more. On my end, nothing will change for me except the physical side, and my feelings will only grow. I know for her, it’s all new.

How do I tell her that without scaring her off? I need her in my life. Will she think that our whole friendship was based on me just trying to get closer to her? I just know that she was always “unavailable”, and I’d rather have her in my life as a friend than not be able to have her at all. It’s always been that cut and dry for me.

The end of class finally comes and I high-tail it out of there as quickly as possible. I’ve got fifteen minutes until chem class starts. I am extremely grateful today isn’t lab day. Somedays I enjoy messing around with the solutions, but my head today would have me screwing something up.

The walk from the building where I take statistics to chemistry class is nice. I have to cut through the center of campus and some of the older brick houses that are student housing. All kinds of trees line the yard and are scattered amongst the older buildings. I appreciate all the shade they provide, keeping the sun off my back.

The landscapers just put in a ton of mums that are starting to bud but haven’t opened to show their color yet. There’s still black-eyed Susans and purple coneflowers everywhere you can imagine. I am sure Kate loves them. She always pointed out how they were her favorite when I would help in her mom’s garden. Some late lilies are finishing up their show in front of one of the common buildings that is home to few food options. The hostas are blooming under the trees and sedums are beginning to show a tinge of color in their spots scattered among some taller grasses. The boxwoods are trimmed nice and tidy. It looks good.

“Hey, Landon!” I turn at the exclamation of my name to see Alexis from chem class hurrying to catch up with me. I know she has a thing for me, and I’m friendly enough toward her, but I don’t want to lead her on. I adjust the shoulder straps of my bookbag and hook my thumbs in them as I smile a hello at her. She looks nice in her dark green top and capris. Her blonde hair is swept up in one of those claw clip thingys I always find stashed around the apartment.

“Hey, Alexis. How’s it going?”

“Oh, you know, same ol’ same ol’. Just finished trig. I saw you come out of statistics and thought I’d catch up and walk with you.” She beams up at me and links her arm through mine to literally walk with me. A little bold. I won’t offend her though as long as she doesn’t get grabby. It’s a friendly enough act and isn’t crossing any lines. It’s not like Kate and I are together yet anyways. We walk at a leisurely pace toward the science halls.

“I don’t know what I was thinking of, putting statistics back to back with chemistry. All the formulas and numbers without a break in between depresses me. Sometimes I have to recopy shit in my notes because I accidentally take notes in the wrong notebook,” I throw out there for some conversation.

“Agreed! So do you live around here on campus?” she asks, looking a little too excited at the prospect.

“No, my roommate Kate and I have an apartment about a mile off campus. Close, but enough distance to relax a little bit from campus life. Sometimes, though, I wish I could just swing out the door and walk three or four minutes to class.”

“That’s cool. Your roommate is a girl?” She questioningly looks up at me.

“Yeah, Kate and I have been best friends for the past six years. We both applied to transfer here and got lucky. We never considered not rooming together.”

Alexis fidgets with her fingers as we walk, passing the library. I see our building up ahead.

“That’s good. I’m glad she’s not your girlfriend or anything.” She smiles coyly, and her cheeks tinge a little pink at the apples.

Shit, what do I say to that? Kate and I aren’t an official thing, but I have to be honest. I don’t really want to burn bridges here, but I don’t want to be dishonest either. Kate wins. End of story.

Right?

Right, Brooks, right.

“Well, things on my end have changed a bit for me. I’m hoping she feels the same, but I haven’t really discussed it with her yet.” I blow out a breath. There’s one bandage ripped off.

Alexis’s steps falter a smidge and her smile breaks, but she’s quick to replace it.

“Oh...” She gently pulls her arm from mine right outside the hall door that I’m in the process of reaching for. “Well, in that case, she’s a lucky girl. If she’s not on the same page, which she’d be stupid to not be...” She rambles and I hold back a chuckle. “Then I’d officially like to put my name in the hat. I mean, if you ever want to go out or something? Yeah...umm, I’m going to use the restroom before class. Talk to you, later, Landon.”

Before I can even think of anything to reply to her, she bustles off toward the restroom. Shit, I hope I didn’t just ruin her day. I don’t think that there was an easier way to break that to her though. Man, I hate making people upset.

Kate

I’m busy finishing up my shift cleaning up some tables by the front windows of the library. I have art class in thirty minutes. I look up out the window and do a double take when I see Landon walking by on his way to class with a pretty blonde girl. My heart drops into my stomach, and I stop wiping the table. I recognize her from being at the bar a few times. She’s always smiling and saying hello in flirty tones. Girl, green is not a good look on you when he’s not even yours. I sigh.

She has her arm looped through his and is smiling up at him, more like beaming up at him. He’s talking and smiling back. Shake it off, Morgan, for all you know they’re just friends. She doesn’t look like she wants to be just friends though. From what I’ve seen the last couple of months, I’d say she’s very interested.

Is he interested though? I sure hope not. I mean, the last month has been filled with crazy tension between us around our place. The looks, the shower run-in, his practice wipedown, that night at Swig’s, the bantering, for fuck’s sake, the other day in my car when it was raining...I know I’m not imagining things here. Has he changed his mind? Did he almost kiss me only to realize he doesn’t want me?

I snag my bag out from behind the workstation and say goodbye to the librarian. I’m lost in my thoughts as I walk along the pathway through a set of trees toward the arts building. I’ve entered the walkway where there are arches and alcoves. This really is beautiful architecture.

So what has changed? Is he giving me space because of Trevor? I was under the impression that he wasn’t scared of a little competition after Swig’s the other night. I know he’s holding back whatever it is he wants to say, but I don’t take him for a complete coward. I think, in certain moments, we all face cowardice, but in the long run, most of us find our way.

A scuffling sound and giggles catch hold of my attention on my left, and I see Kristy, Trevor’s former flame, with her tongue down the throat of some dude. Their hands are everywhere as she presses him back into the wall. She’s feisty. Good for her. I smirk and take another step but freeze when their lips uncouple and their heads move back. Kristy smiles up at Trevor. Yeah, Trevor.

Oh my gosh! This explains so freaking much! It explains why he hasn’t tried to make out more with me, why he didn’t try to catch up with me after practice the other day, and why we don’t go out more. It’s so cliche like a damn movie, but it’s in that moment he chooses to look up and see me standing there. I raise a hand to put a stop to him coming over to me and stop whatever he is even scrambling through his head to say. It’s not like we were official. We hadn’t made a single promise to each other. It’s just done. I’m okay with that. I don’t want someone who clearly doesn’t want me. I walk off, intent on just getting to class.

Dangit... my heart lurches...What is so wrong with me? Why does this happen over and over? I must have a type. A douchebag type. First Landon and that chem class girl, then Trevor not even twenty minutes later? Am I that undesirable? Replaceable? I just want someone to want me for me. I don’t want to be a dirty secret, a side piece, or a flipping placeholder. I want to be the one a guy yearns for. I want someone to want just me with such a consuming passion that he can’t wait to get his hands on me and that is perfectly content with holding me all night. I want someone not scared of going for what they want.

Fuck art. Nothing is due this week. It’s Thursday. Practically the weekend. I’m going home. I need carbs. I want a hard cider. Fuck everything else right now. Just...fuck.