Page 15

Roslyn

“I’m here to find my sister.”

Breath rasps in and out of the vise-tight hold panic still has around my chest. My hands shake, and I ball them into fists at my sides so Zandrel won’t see. My nails bite into my palms, a slight shock of pain that lets in just enough sanity for the weight of what I said to crash over me.

Oh, god. What have I done?

“Your sister,” Zandrel says slowly, weighing the words like the scales of judgment.

If only I could guess which way they’ll tip.

Maybe he won’t believe me.

Or maybe he will.

I don’t know which is worse.

I don’t know which will get me closer to Savvie and which might put her in even more jeopardy.

And there’s nothing at all on Zandrel’s stark, stoic face that gives me a clue what he’s thinking.

I take a deep breath. “Yes, my sister. She’s somewhere here on Eritin.”

Shovel by shovel, I dig my grave deeper. Only, it’s not just my grave, is it? I’m playing with Savvie’s fate too, and might have just damned us both.

But if what Zandrel’s said is true, if he really meant it all, then maybe…

I toss aside that maybe and wait in silence for him to cast his verdict.

“It’s illegal for any non-inhabitant to be on Eritin, aside from the Mate Match cast and crew.”

“Yes.”

There’s no point denying it, no point arguing with the obvious.

“And you’re sure she’s here?”

“As sure as I can be, given that she disappeared from Severin without a trace and my only lead sent me here.”

Zandrel hums low in the back of his throat, and desperation rises in mine.

I don’t know if he’s got an ounce of kindness or empathy behind that fierce facade of his. I don’t know if he’ll toss all of this aside and decide I’m still the liar he believes me to be.

That desperation crests and breaks, and I start speaking again before I can think better of it.

“Everything I’ve done has been for my sister. For Savannah.”

His deep black gaze cuts to me. “Everything?”

“Everything. All of it. It’s all been for her. Enlisting with the Sol Alliance so I could send money home, working to give her a better life, coming here to find her. It’s all been for her. And if I don’t find her, I…I’ll…”

My rambling cuts off in a rush of bleak hopelessness.

There’s nothing else I can say, nothing I can think of, nothing I can offer. My truth is out, and it’s up to Zandrel to decide what he’s going to do with it.

God, I fucking hate this.

Leaving it in his hands, leaving our fates in anyone’s hands but my own, makes me want to scream in frustration. I came here alone and intended to do this alone. I was ready to put everything on the line for Savvie, and knowing it’s no longer up to me makes me feel small, powerless, alone. Weak.

Zandrel’s deep black eyes are as unreadable as ever, silver swirling as he considers everything I’ve told him.

“Very well. I will help you find your sister.”

The floor beneath my feet tilts, and I have to brace a hand on the counter to steady my equilibrium.

“You will?”

He nods once, short and succinct, like he’s irritated I’d question his word. “Of course I will. You’re helping me regain my rank and position. This is a fair exchange, helping you regain contact with her.”

“But it could get us both in trouble. Leaving the filming area. Traveling further into Eritin.”

He levels me a flat look, unimpressed.

And fine, I don’t know why exactly I’m trying to argue the point right now, but the fact that he’d be so quick to help me seems… unbelievable.

There’s got to be some catch here.

This is a trap meant to lull me into a false sense of security so he can… can…

I look back to Zandrel.

As near-unreadable as the stark, brutal planes of his face truly are, I can’t find any threat or deception there. No mocking or cruelty, nothing but what I might be able to convince myself is a stoic determination, like the matter is already completely settled in his mind.

“Unless you and your sister plan to do something nefarious once you’re reunited, it’s a risk I do not mind taking. Especially considering the laughable state of the show’s security measures. It’s like they want someone to try it.”

He says that last part almost under his breath, and in another universe I might laugh.

God, this is absurd. All of this is absurd. So absurd, I’m having a hard time believing any of it is true.

An Auxiliary ex-mercenary signing on to my personal mission to find my sister.

While we’re both on Mate Match.

While we’re living together.

While we’re pretending to be head over heels in love.

I feel like I’m about to double over with laughter. Or tears. It’s honestly even odds right about now as we stand in silence and size each other up.

Can I really trust him?

With my fate, with Savvie’s, with this last best shot of seeing her again hanging in the balance?

“We’re not,” I say quietly. “Planning anything, I mean.”

“Good,” he says with a brisk nod. “Then it’s settled. We’ll find her, keep up our ruse for the producers and the cameras, and both get what we want out of this.”

“Alright.”

The word feels like jumping off a cliff.

My stomach heaves, my chest plummets, and even while part of me knows having Zandrel in this with me just sent my chances of actually finding her skyrocketing, I still can’t shake the sense that I’ve done something cataclysmic. I’ve ruined everything. I’ve put my trust in the hands of the one person who could most easily pulverize it into a million pieces.

“Alright,” Zandrel echoes, then thinks for a moment. “I’ll need to know more about what she’s doing here, where you think she might be, anything that can help us make a plan to—”

“Tomorrow.”

Zandrel stops short, brow furrowing, like he can’t understand why I wouldn’t be ready to start tackling this thing head-on, making a plan, getting the parameters of the mission established.

And fair enough, maybe I don’t fully understand, either.

I just… can’t. Not tonight. Not right now.

Not when the world beneath me still feels like it’s hanging sideways off its axis and not when Zandrel is still all business, approaching this like it’s barely affecting him. Just cold, hard facts, a puzzle to be solved, an objective to accomplish.

Who am I, in the face of all that confidence, all that strength?

Just a human, alone in the universe and in way, way over my head. Facing the bleak reality that I never could have done this on my own.

It all crashes into me, and the only thing I want is to retreat and tend my wounds for at least a night before facing all of this with him.

Zandrel opens his mouth to argue, and I hold up a hand.

“Tomorrow,” I repeat. “I just… I need some time.”

I can almost hear his question— time for what? —in the silence between us, but he doesn’t ask it. It’s a mercy, if only a small one, because I have no idea how I would answer.

Instead of waiting around for him to ask, I turn and leave him standing there, retreating into my bedroom.

My tears hold out until the door swings shut behind me, and that’s another mercy.

I can’t stand the idea of Zandrel seeing me cry. I’m fairly certain even human ears would be able to hear me through the thin wood of the door, but it’s at least a little cover for my cowardice. It’s a blanket of deniability as I sprawl onto the mattress and pull a pillow to me. It’s one small bit of rickety protection as the tears come and a shaking, overwhelmed sob wracks my body.

I don’t even know what I’m crying for.

Maybe for myself, maybe for Savvie, maybe for everything and nothing at all. I haven’t cried since I’ve been here, haven’t allowed myself to indulge that weakness, but tonight there’s no stopping it.