CHAPTER 16
Zaki
T here was enough snow to cancel school and our game Tuesday night.
After a morning of tubing down the hill with other local families, we trekked home and warmed up with hot chocolate while Arwyn read three more chapters of Anne of Green Gables. I got the fire going in the old fireplace, and the girls snuggled up on either side of me on the sofa, with Laffy and Vennie snuggled into them. Isla’s tablet leaned against the lamp, pointing at us so Viki could see the girls.
In the armchair, Arwyn seemed content bundled up in a blanket and the fur collar she liked to wear. She looked cold, though, and I couldn’t help but think she would be warmer with us on the sofa.
I hadn’t dated at all since Viki and I broke up. There wasn’t anyone I knew or had met who lived up to the impossible standards a stepmom to my girls would have to meet. Someone who’d love them as if they were her own, was gentle and kind but knew when and how to discipline, was patient and serious but knew how to have fun. Someone who, by just being a quiet presence, could flood me with the peace that I craved but couldn’t create on my own.
Someone like Arwyn.
If I planned to stay in Colorado, I would?—
But I didn’t.
I couldn’t.
I had to put my girls first.
So why was it so hard to get the idea of pursuing Arwyn romantically out of my head?
Thursday night after our win, the team returned to the ice to assist and support our goalie, Jason, as he and Lauren revealed the gender of their second child. I watched with the guys at the red line, wearing a new helmet since someone had covered my visor in some kind of cooking grease.
As Lauren stood in the center, holding their toddler in her arms, I recalled a similar moment six years ago when Viki and I were the expectant couple.
Dean had placed a puck on the ice. I pulled back my stick and hit it hard, causing pink dust to cloud around it as it slid toward the goal. A girl! I hugged Viki, the crowd cheered, and then … Coach brought out a second puck. We’d had no idea we were expecting twins until that moment. I hit it and—pink again! I’d wanted a big family. The crowd went wild, and I remembered that feeling of excitement like it was yesterday. Viki, however, looked terrified.
Maybe I should’ve paid more attention to her fears. But being the positive guy I was, I didn’t believe that there was anything for her to be afraid of. She had the best doctors, Chef made all our meals, and she did all the right things. Her obstetrician assured us her fears were normal and expected and told her not to watch the horror-story videos about childbirth on social media.
But the birth was difficult, and it changed her. It changed us. Sure, becoming parents was supposed to change you, but I didn’t catch on that, on top of the injuries she sustained, she was experiencing postpartum depression. She was incredibly loving to the girls, and I assumed her lack of interest in me was due to exhaustion. Or fear that she could get pregnant with multiples again.
But her detachment never lessened or went away. No matter what I did, I couldn’t win back her affection. I pulled out all the stops—fancy dinners, getaways, flowers, gifts. She was always too tired to enjoy it, so she said. And still, I refused to dig deeper, thinking everything would go back to the way it was at some point, if I just waited it out.
That day never came. When she told me she wanted to separate, I suggested counseling. I was confident we could work through it. Jason and Lauren had broken up and gotten back together. They were in love and determined to find a way to make it work. And they had.
When I reminded Viki about our friends’ struggles, she dropped the bomb: She didn’t love me anymore.
It crushed me. I’d failed. I’d failed her and my girls. Somehow, I’d pushed her away. I’d become unlovable. I was too much and not enough.
It was over.
I switched my brain off the sad stuff so I could concentrate on being happy for my friends. Jason skated out from the bench in full gear. We banged our sticks on the ice as he made his way along the edge of the red carpet to center ice and to Lauren and their daughter. They patted his helmet and blew him a kiss, then he skated to the net and pulled his mask down.
“And now, we’d like to invite Jason’s friend Gordie to the ice to drop the pucks for a special revelation!”
When we were on the Voltage, we partnered with the Palmer City Sportsplex’s team for kids with differing abilities, the Flying Stars. We helped them play sports and train for the Special Olympics as part of our community volunteer work. We all still kept in touch with the kids, but mine had moved away, so I hadn’t had a chance to see him grow up and spend time with him like some of the other guys had. Jason still saw Gordie regularly, and this year, the teen’s high school team was undefeated. Gordie’s left arm ended just below the elbow, so he needed assistance with putting on and resetting his gear, but he had cat reflexes in the net, just like his mentor.
Gordie walked along the red carpet, pulling clear pucks from a satchel and dropping them on the ice in front of me, Kingston, Brendan, Trask, and Xavier, all former Voltage players. Then he went to stand by Lauren.
The five of us crossed over the carpet to get to the pucks and waited for our cue.
“On the count of three, shoot your pucks. One, two, three!”
I sniped it straight to Jason’s left pad. Upon contact, it lit up blue. The other pucks also hit, and he had one in his glove that he dropped to the ice.
All blue!
The crowd chanted “Boy! Boy! Boy!”
The entire team skated to the net and piled on Jason, offering congratulations and some good-natured punches.
But our celly was cut short by the announcer.
“Edge players and fans, kindly turn your attention to the team bench, where our sports reporter and Jason’s sister Bailey has been joined by three very special guests. Their dad, Hall of Famer Lincoln Dexter; their mom, Melinda; and Bailey’s sweet little daughter!”
“Thanks, everyone!” Bailey’s smiling mug was plastered on the screens. “I’m so happy to be here with my parents to get their reactions. What do you think, Mom, Dad? After two baby girl grands, there’s a boy on the way!”
“We are absolutely thrilled,” Melinda said in her thick Southern accent, wiping her eyes. She’d met Lincoln when he was playing in her hometown of Atlanta, and Jason and Bailey had grown up there.
“Can’t wait to take all three of them skating!” Lincoln agreed. They were a hockey family through and through. Bailey was an Olympics gold medalist netminder, and sometimes I thought she loved the game more than Jason did.
“Awesome! Well … We have another surprise for you all. You all know my husband, Lawson?” Lawson Brewer, Kingston’s cousin, emerged from the tunnel and waved, wearing a matching team satchel to Gordie’s. “Y’all better get back to your spots, guys. There are five more pucks to shoot. Hey brother, think you could help us out?”
Jason saluted his sister and scooted backward to the net. The five of us chosen ones returned to our positions on the goal side of the red carpet as Lawson dropped five more clear pucks.
“All right!” Bailey was up on the screen again. “Three, two, one!”
I fired my puck at Jason’s blocker, and it lit up blue. The other four pucks also lit up blue as they hit their targets. Jason skated to Lauren and pulled his helmet off to kiss her.
Over on the bench, Bailey had passed her mic to her dad and was now making out with Lawson while their daughter pulled at her hair.
I’d never seen the crowd so crazy. I grinned like a loon, so happy for my friends. A new baby boy for each of the Dexter siblings.
Ridgie skated out and made a big show of giving Big Sister onesies to the little girls and blue Edge-branded onesies to Lauren and Bailey.
My heart cracked at the thought of not having any more children. Isla and Amelie would make the best, most doting big sisters.
Arwyn’s face flashed behind my eyes.
What if?
She’d canceled her date last night and suggested the girls give us a ballet lesson, citing teaching a skill to others helped you learn it. Of course, I went out of my way to be the worst I could be and had all three of the girls in stitches. Arwyn gave up trying to remind me to be serious because ballet was a very serious discipline. I knew that from Viki, and I didn’t want my girls to lose the fun of it if or until they were ready to study it seriously.
I’d gone to sleep with images in my head of Arwyn in her white tights and filmy skirt dancing around the front room on her toes with my girls, holding invisible beach balls, and me “throwing” mine and acting sad when no one caught it.
I loved that she was active with them as well as encouraged quiet time.
I loved that she was happy being a homebody, and I loved that I—the extroverted prankster attention-seeker—was happy being a homebody with her.
I loved who I was when I was within those walls.
I loved everything about her. And the life I was living right now.