Page 62
Story: Secrets of the Starlit Sea
She sensed him better now. A heavy, unhappy energy, like fog that’s unable to rise and lingers just above the ground.
She kept her eyes shut because that way nothing would distract her and cause her to shift out of focus.
It was like tuning into a radio frequency.
She must not allow anything to move the dial and cut off the channel of communication.
Do you know that you are dead, Lester?
There was silence. Pixie imagined he was working out what dead really meant because he must have felt very alive.
I know it , he said at last. If I were alive, I wouldn’t be living in such dire poverty.
Where are you living?
In a dark place. It’s cold and damp, and no one is kind. I avoid them.
Don’t you want to leave?
I don’t know how to leave.
I can help you.
You can’t. No one can.
I can.
How can you help me if I can’t see you.
Pixie was surprised. You can’t see me?
Not really. You shift in and out like a ghost.
But you can hear me?
I can hear you.
What do you see?
The room. I see the room and the house. But it’s not like before. Now it’s different.
You say before. Before what?
Before the spirit board opened a door for me and let me in.
The spirit board let you into our dimension?
If that is what you want to call it. I see beings. They come and go, like mist. You come and go like mist too. But the house. That is clear. I can touch the house. I couldn’t before.
Why are you here? You didn’t die here, but in England. Why did you come back?
For Constance. Because she died here. Aunt Constance died here, in this house. I cannot leave it. I cannot leave her.
Constance is not here, Lester. She went to the light, where she waits for you now. There is only forgiveness, Lester. Love and forgiveness.
It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t kill her. I didn’t. Glover did.
Pixie sensed his anguish. She knew she had to calm him down before he went on the rampage again and started throwing things around the room.
Of course you didn’t. I know you didn’t. You weren’t there when he killed her.
Did she suffer? His voice was thin and full of torment.
No. Only the initial shock of tripping and falling, but she slipped out of her body with the first blow to her head and then she was free.
I didn’t know Glover would kill her. I swear it.
And I believe you.
But I knew that he had.
Did you tell anyone what you knew?
No. I told no one. They thought she had fallen of her own accord.
What happened to Glover?
There was a long pause. For a moment Pixie thought he had gone. Then his voice returned and the sorrow in it tore her heart. He threw himself off the Brooklyn Bridge.
I’m sorry.
Not as sorry as I. It was my fault. If I hadn’t dismissed him, he wouldn’t have taken his life. Oh, God. What have I done? Pixie felt his remorse in the tension building suddenly around her. The same tension that had grown into a rampage and destroyed the room. She needed to keep him calm.
Surely he killed himself because he felt guilty for having committed murder? Perhaps he couldn’t live with himself after that?
It was all because of me!
Glover killed Constance because of you?
Yes.
Why?
Because he loved me and couldn’t bear to lose me.
And you loved him?
Another pause ensued. Pixie imagined him struggling to admit something that went so sharply against the morals of his time. When he spoke, his voice was flat with resignation. Yes. Yes, I loved him.
There is no shame in loving another man, Lester.
Yes, there is. It’s against nature.
No, it isn’t.
No one understands.
They do now. In my time, men marry men and women marry women, and no one thinks anything of it.
You lie.
I don’t lie. It’s true. You’ve been dead over seventy years, Lester.
He was genuinely horrified by that. I’ve been here over 70 years?
You have. This house is now a hotel. It’s full of strangers. It’s nothing like it was when you were here. The beings you see as mist are guests staying in the hotel.
Men marry men?
Love is love, Lester. The body doesn’t matter. It’s the heart that counts. In your day your love for Glover was a crime. Today it would be celebrated.
If that is true, it’s a miracle.
It’s true. People are more open-minded now.
I had to give him up and marry Esme.
And that didn’t end well, did it?
I wasn’t myself. After Aunt Constance died … well, I couldn’t forgive myself.
Why? What did you do?
If I’ve been here a hundred years, perhaps it is time to unburden my conscience. If I do, I will be released? Is that so?
It is. You can release yourself whenever you choose. I will show you the way.
Pixie felt his energy lighten at the thought of leaving. Perhaps it was lightening also at the thought of confessing his part in Constance’s murder.
Very well. I will tell you everything. If you break your promise, I shall haunt this hotel, if it is truly a hotel, and you will be sorry.
Very well. Pixie hoped his confession would alter his energy sufficiently to enable him to rise into the light when the moment came.
It started with the Potemkin Diamond. One of the most valuable gems in the world.
It belonged to Walter-Wyatt Aldershoff. I knew once I laid eyes on it that the Aldershoff wealth was beyond anything I could imagine, and it was going to be mine if I married Esme.
She was their only child. She would inherit it all.
I saw a bright future. Our home restored in all its glory, and she and I the most desirable couple in London, barring only the King and Queen themselves.
I knew I had to dismiss Glover. That our relationship had to end.
But if I told him the truth, that fear of being poor far outweighed the fear of losing the man I loved, I knew he would turn nasty.
I worried he would take me down with him, out of spite and hurt.
I feared he’d ruin my engagement and my future.
So, I told him that Aunt Constance was threatening to expose us both if I didn’t dismiss him.
I told him that if it were up to me, I would keep him as my valet and nothing would change, but that Aunt Constance wouldn’t hear of it.
She knew our secret and was prepared to risk a scandal by revealing it.
Glover was demented with misery, but I never thought he would go to such extremes.
He believed that if Constance was out of the way, we would be free to continue as before.
Oh, if only I had known how much he loved me!
If only I had told him the truth and not thrown Constance to the wolves.
So he killed her. But by killing her, he put an obstacle between us that nothing could remove.
It not only came between us, but between me and any happiness I could enjoy.
Because I knew, in my heart, that it was because of my cowardice that Constance was killed. I could never forgive myself.
And you blamed yourself too for Glover’s suicide.
Yes. It was all because of me. I should never have allowed myself to love him. I should have resisted temptation. I was weak and foolish and reckless and … His voice trailed off. God is punishing me for loving a man.
God is not a person who sits in judgement over you.
God is love. It is only we humans who create a God with all the jealousies and petty desires for vengeance that we ourselves have.
God is love beyond our understanding. God doesn’t punish, you do.
You punish yourself. So, stop punishing yourself.
You’ve suffered enough. Forgive yourself instead.
How can I? It might be a hundred years ago to you, but, to me, it seems like yesterday.
The very fact that you have admitted your part in the crime shows that you are ready to forgive.
To forgive Glover. To forgive Constance.
To forgive you. You came here to experience life with all its ups and downs, joys and sorrows, and to grow.
You can either choose to grow wounded or to grow wise. Which will it be?
Wise.
You will return home now and take your wisdom with you. That’s the reason you came here in the first place. You’re not meant to be stuck in limbo. No one is making you stay here, but you.
I don’t understand. If I’m making myself stay here, why can’t I set myself free?
You can. But you’re weighed down by your negative thoughts and beliefs.
You just have to feel the love in your heart.
The love for yourself. Feel it, Lester. Be kind to yourself.
You came here to learn and you’ve learnt.
You’ve grown wise. When you stumble, you don’t berate yourself for stumbling, do you?
You get up and try again. That’s what you must do now.
Get up and try again. You’ll do better next time.
Pixie sensed his energy lighten further.
I want to tell Constance that I’m sorry, and Glover too. I want the chance to make it up to them both.
You will have that chance, Lester.
Pixie opened her eyes.
Lester was there, standing by the fireplace, staring at her. I see you , he said, blinking at her in astonishment.
And I see you. He was wearing a three-piece grey suit and bow tie, and a bowler hat on his head. In his hand he was holding a cane.
What do I do now? he asked.
Look around you.
A bright, golden light filled the room, brighter than any electric light could ever be.
Brighter even than the sun. Pixie was forced to close her eyes.
She saw the light not with her physical eyes, but with her psychic third eye.
Then out of the glare came Constance. She was dressed in bright blue that dazzled like the most vivid sky.
She put out her hands. Come, Lester , she said.
I’ve been waiting for you. And Lester, overwhelmed with emotion, took them.
Oh, Constance! It’s really you.
I’ve always been with you, Lester, only I couldn’t reach you. Now I can.
And what of Glover?
Pixie smiled as they both looked at her for an answer. Perhaps Glover is in a place of darkness as you were , she said. Maybe it’s up to you to help him forgive himself, as you have forgiven yourself.
With that the two figures faded, gathered into the eternal light that was home.
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