Page 45

I notice Mrs Norris and her daughter, Isabella, hurrying towards us.

They’re eager to join Ruby and the few others sitting anxiously in the boat.

Isabella’s face is rigid with determination while her mother’s sags with uncertainty beneath a purple-feathered hat.

‘Don’t worry, Mama,’ Isabella says boldly, giving her her hand.

‘I’ll look after you.’ How the tables have turned.

‘Let us through!’ she shouts and the men part respectfully.

I think of my own mother then and my chest aches with longing.

Longing for love to replace the resentment that attempts to push its way into my heart.

I wonder, if she and I found ourselves in a similar situation, whether I would forgive her.

Whether I could. The vision of the bloodied knife floats before my eyes, and my father’s convulsing body on the floor, and she remains unworthy of my forgiveness.

The band has assembled on the boat deck and begun to play ragtime.

They will all drown. It’s too awful to witness.

But I know not one of them will survive.

Right now, no one believes that will happen.

No one knows that there are not enough lifeboats for everyone.

They will realise soon enough and then the real panic will set in.

I don’t want to witness it. I don’t know that I can.

With a frantic sense of urgency, I leave Ruby and set off in search of Josephine.

I hurry about the boat deck, my eyes jumping from face to face, but she’s nowhere to be found.

I then make my way to the starboard side.

Here, men are being allowed into the boats if there are no more women and children to take the places.

I see through the throng of people a familiar face in one of the boats as it’s being lowered perilously down the side of the ship.

It’s Glover. He catches my eye and holds it, as if challenging me to denounce him.

I wonder how he managed to get in there.

But then I notice his attire. He’s dressed like a gentleman in Lester’s clothes.

He’s even wearing Lester’s top hat. Where is Lester?

Why isn’t he in the boat too? I tell myself that I don’t need to worry about him.

That he survives. Then a horrid thought takes hold.

What if Lester only survived the Titanic sinking because Constance saved him?

I feel sick suddenly. I don’t know what to do. Am I meant to save him? Or if I do, will I commit someone else to the depths of the ocean?

Panic rising into my throat, I scurry about looking for Josephine and Lester. As I search the faces for both, I know, deep in my heart, that I’m really looking for Cavill. That I’m hiding that truth even from myself.

The ship is seriously listing now and we seem to be much closer to the ocean.

People are beginning to lose control. Cries and screams pierce the air.

I can see some of the lifeboats rowing out, their oars churning the water into waves and ripples that catch the starlight and glitter.

The boats seem very small out there in the dark and they’re far from full.

Why the hell don’t they fill them to capacity?

I need to get into one before there are none left.

I cannot allow Constance to die on this ship.

That is not her destiny, I’m sure of it.

At last, I find Cavill and Josephine back on the boat deck. Their anxious faces burn orange in the glow of the rockets now breaking into a million golden stars in the sky.

Josephine cries out. ‘Miss Fleet.’

‘Constance!’ That’s the first time I’ve heard Cavill use her first name. But there’s no time to dwell on the significance of that small change.

‘I’ll take Josephine into one of the lifeboats,’ I tell him. ‘But we have to be quick.’

‘And Papa.’ Josephine clings to him. ‘I will not leave Papa behind.’

He embraces her. ‘It’s all right, my darling. I won’t leave you,’ he says, but I know he’s going to have to.

‘Stand back, stand back, women and children only .’ The order is a blow. They’re not allowing men into the boats on this deck. Brawls are breaking out. I sense there’s going to be a rebellion. It might get nasty.

‘We could risk it and run round to the starboard side where they were permitting men to board,’ I suggest. I panic then that we’ll miss the opportunity on both sides.

Wouldn’t it be prudent for Josephine and me to just get into this one while it’s here?

I’m torn between saving Constance and trying to save Cavill.

I make a hasty decision. I’ll try to save them both.

‘Let’s go!’ Cavill shouts over the clamour of arguing men and the boom and hiss of rockets.

He grabs his daughter’s hand and hastens back into the ship with a determined stride.

I follow him, searching all the while for Lester.

We cross the foyer, pushing our way through bewildered people who don’t know where to go or what to do.

Everywhere we look there are people doomed to drown.

When we reach the lifeboats on the starboard side we discover, to our frustration, that they are now only allowing women and children, and barring the men with increasing force.

I hesitate. I want to accompany Josephine onto a lifeboat, but I want to save Cavill too – and what about Lester? Where the hell is Lester?

Mrs Brown’s voice crashes through the din. ‘Connie! Come on, get in!’ She stands up in the boat and waves at me frantically. I see her feathered hat flapping above the throng like a startled black hen.

‘I’m not going without Papa!’ Josephine shouts. Then she begins to sob. ‘I can’t leave Papa. He’s all I have in the world!’

Cavill embraces her fiercely. ‘You must go, my darling. I will find you. I promise.’ He kisses her wet cheek. ‘Do it for me.’ His voice breaks. The sorrow in his eyes cuts my heart in two as he looks upon the face of his child with love, knowing now that he will likely never see it again.

He once looked at me like that.

I shove that thought aside. This isn’t about me.

I hesitate. What do I do? Do I go with Josephine, or search for Lester? What if Lester has already departed in another lifeboat like Glover did? And I mustn’t forget Constance. I need to get her onto a boat or she will drown. I must take care of her .

Josephine is pulled away and bundled roughly into the boat where she slumps on the seat beside Mrs Brown. She stares up at her father with glassy eyes.

I’m left no choice but to go with her and hope that Lester has made it off the ship.

I turn to Cavill. ‘I will look after Josephine,’ I tell him, gripping the lapels of his coat. ‘If you don’t make it, I’ll be her guardian. I promise.’

‘Thank you, Miss Fleet … Constance. I wish …’ His shoulders drop.

‘Connie!’ shouts Mrs Brown, more urgently now. The boat is almost full to capacity. I need to get in at once.

‘Listen to me, Cavill,’ I command in a voice that I don’t recognise.

‘There are collapsible boats on this ship. You have to find one and get into it.’ I remember then, in a flash of memory, the baker who survives hours in the freezing water because he’s drunk on whisky.

‘Down as much whisky as you can to keep warm. You have to trust me on this. Whisky, lots of it. The Carpathia is going to come to the rescue, but not in time to save all these people. If you follow my instructions, you might make it.’ He stares at me, that bewildered look on his face again.

Only this time he’s not arguing, but listening attentively. ‘And you must find Lester.’

He nods. The defeat in his eyes vanishes and is replaced by a gritty determination. ‘I’ll find Lester,’ he replies. ‘And the collapsible boats.’

‘Connie, hurry!’ Mrs Brown’s voice rises above the cacophony. They’re already lowering the lifeboat.

I’m still clutching the lapels of Cavill’s coat.

I don’t want to let him go. Not again! There’s so much I want to say, but no time, and he wouldn’t understand anyway.

My throat tightens and my chest aches. This might be the last time I see him.

I gaze into his stricken eyes and I feel an overwhelming sense of defeat.

‘Save yourself,’ I say in a rasping voice. ‘Please, Cavill, save yourself.’

Hands grab me and pull me forcefully towards the lifeboat. Everyone is losing patience.

As it’s lowered, Cavill’s face is momentarily lit up by another flare exploding into the black sky. He looks from me to Josephine, and then he is gone.