Page 42

Chapter

Forty-Two

Tivek

I peeled off my torn, dirt-encrusted uniform, striding into the attached bathing chamber. I let each grimy piece fall to the floor, feeling as though I was shedding more than just clothing.

The cream-colored stone tiles were cool beneath my feet as I stepped into an enormous shower area that opened partially to the water on one side, separated only by a half wall. What a far cry from my small and spartan bathing chamber at the academy.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror and winced. Bruises mottled my torso, and I boasted a nasty gash along my ribs. Stubble darkened my jaw and dirt smudged my forehead, making me look like I’d indeed escaped death several times.

The overhead shower came to life with a flick of a shiny knob, a torrent of hot water rushing instantly from overhead and pounding against my skin.

I closed my eyes, letting the steam envelop me as the water sluiced away layers of grime and sweat.

The heat penetrated my aching muscles, unknotting the tension that had amassed during the mission and as I’d worried about the future.

As the water worked its magic on my body, my mind continued to circle around the impending debriefing. Standard protocol dictated that I report every decision made, every action taken, and every complication encountered. But nothing about this mission had been standard.

Would I tell them that I’d revealed myself to Morgan and why? Would I reveal just how close we’d become?

I pressed my palms against the smooth stone wall and let my head hang between my shoulders, surrendering to the cascade of water down my back. Only now could I let myself dwell on the fear I’d felt being with Morgan.

The terror of seeing her in danger had been unlike anything I'd experienced before.

Shadows were trained to be self-sufficient, to consider our own survival secondary to the mission, to accept that we might die unknown and unrecognized for our service.

But I had never been trained to watch someone I cared about be at risk.

The relief I felt now was overwhelming. I didn't care if I never received recognition for my work. I didn't care if my brother never knew what I truly did for the Drexian empire. I didn't even care if I spent the rest of my career in the shadows, unacknowledged and invisible.

As long as Morgan was safe and I never had to watch her life endangered again, I could live with any other outcome. Nothing compared to the risk of losing someone you love.

My head snapped up, water spraying from my sudden movement.

Love.

The realization hit me like a bludgeon. I loved Morgan. I, who had been trained to keep everyone at arm's length, who had cultivated detachment as a professional skill, and who had prided myself on never forming attachments that could compromise my duty, had fallen in love.

For one wonderful moment, happiness tore through me wildfire. Then reality crashed back in, dousing the fledgling flame.

Could I afford to love her? Could she afford to be loved by me?

She was still a cadet, brilliant and promising, with her whole career ahead of her. And I was a Shadow, an operative who moved between worlds, who lied for a living, and whose very existence was classified. I would always operate in darkness and always carry secrets.

I had told her who I was, yes. But did she truly understand what that meant? What my life entailed? How it would alter hers if she chose to share it? She deserved better than half-truths and midnight departures, better than wondering if each mission would be my last.

I’d told her that she would make a good Shadow, which was true. But did I want that life for her? Could I, in good conscious, recommend a job that would put her life at risk? Could I survive the worrying and the wondering?

A sound from the bathing chamber doorway made me stiffen instantly.

My body reacted before my mind could catch up, muscles tensing, senses sharpening.

The debriefing officer couldn't have arrived so soon, could he?

And even if he had, he wouldn't simply enter my private quarters without announcement.

I started to step out of the shower, when Morgan appeared in the doorway. She was tossing aside the last of her clothing, and her hair fell loose around her bare shoulders. Despite her boldness, there was a shyness in her stance.

"Mind if I join you?" she asked, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth. "To save water, of course."

I was unable to speak as she sauntered naked toward me and stepped into the shower enclosure.

She splayed her palms on my wet chest, sliding them up to my shoulders and down my arms, letting one fingertip trace the lines of my tattoo.

Water droplets clung to her eyelashes as she looked up at me with a wicked grin.

"I've always been one for prudent resource management," I managed to stammer.

Her smile widened, and as I drew her closer, I allowed myself to forget all my doubts.