Page 20 of Searching for Elizabeth (A Pride and Prejudice Variation)

—afternoon—

Elizabeth Bennet took some time to calm down from the kiss. It was such an amazing experience, equally thrilling and frightening. She was shocked at the amount of pleasure William seemingly easily elicited in her, but she was alarmed that her ability to reason seemed to shut down. She was certain that she was in love, but did love necessitate losing one’s capacity to think rationally?

As she and William sat over a pot of tea and a hearty luncheon, she asked William if he could post the parcel to Mortimer Press.

“Of course I will,”

he assured her.

“And I will post my order to Hatchards at the same time.”

Then his face took on a serious expression, and he said, “I can see that you know how to take care of yourself.”

He waved his hand to indicate the cottage.

“You know far more than most how to be independent. You are earning money in a respectable way. You do not need rescuing.”

Lizzy so appreciated what he was saying, but she knew he was giving her too much credit. The amount of money she was earning from her publications was not enough to replace dresses when they wore out, or even axes when they broke, and she had been eating only foods purchased by others.

He went on, “But I am hoping there is room for me in your life. I should love to travel with you, show you places you have read and perhaps dreamed about. I should love to share your days. And also your nights, and—”

Lizzy felt her cheeks flush with embarrassment as he mentioned sharing nights. She hoped that her response to his kiss had not been too wanton.

“Apologies yet again, Elizabeth,”

William said.

“I know that I speak too directly to you. You discompose me in a way I have never experienced before. But I do not wish to be too forward, too pushy.”

She replied, “It is just that, I do not know how I should respond. I do not want to seem…wanton.”

William blushed, too, but his smile and the expression in his eyes seemed deeply pleased.

“I think your responses have been perfect. I would not wish a single thing to be different.”

“I feel nervous that we are alone, and I do not even know what I should be guarding against; I have heard the word seduce, but I do not know exactly what….”

Lizzy was not sure how to finish the sentence. She laughed, trying to lighten the atmosphere.

“I am afraid this is a subject my father’s books and discussions did not touch on.”

William said, “I assure you, Elizabeth, I do not wish to seduce you.”

Lizzy raised one eyebrow, assessing his words, and he grinned a crooked grin. She had never seen this particular expression before; he looked distinctly rakish. She was embarrassed to find him even more attractive than usual.

He added a tease to his assurance: “Well, to be honest, a tiny little corner of my brain wishes to seduce you, but do not worry, I have that corner well guarded, so you are in no danger from that errant brain bit.”

Lizzy laughed.

“I do so love discussing errant brain bits with you. What manner of guard have you set to protect me from this particular corner of your brain?”

William said, “Trained armed guards. Although your laugh is so musical, I have had to ramp up security with guard dogs as well as the human guards. And walls. Thick walls, made of enormous slabs of rock.”

“No moat?”

Lizzy asked.

“Actually, yes, the moat is the most recent addition to the security system I already had in place. And I have filled the moat with piranhas. So I assure you, you are quite safe from my errant brain bits.”

“Oh, dear, piranhas? Are they as vicious as I picture them? All gnashing teeth, ready to eradicate brain bits?”

“Yes, dear one, gnashing razor-sharp teeth!”

They both laughed.

But Lizzy grew serious and asked, “Why did you not let all of Hertfordshire know the real you, William? You are so charming and funny, but, in this community, you have a reputation of being taciturn and dour.”

William sighed and said, “Well, there is this other corner of my brain. And it is all about my protection, rather than yours. It is like this…mask I wear to hide my weaknesses and to disguise my feelings.”

Lizzy grinned.

“So are we looking at a cubical brain here? All rationality and straight edges and square corners?”

“Definitely not. My brain is as squishy and wet as the next fellow’s! The brain bits I am talking about lurk in metaphorical corners.”

“Ah, those metaphorical corners.”

Lizzy’s smile grew wider, and a laugh bubbled up. But her smile gentled as she asked, “Tell me about your mask. What does it protect you against, and when did you build it?”

William heaved a sigh, but he started talking.

“When I was at Eton, some boys acted like my friends but then always seemed to want to use me for their own interests, or their parents’ interests. It often turned out, a few months after I thought I made a friend, he just wanted money, or an invitation to Pemberley, or his father wanted to meet up with my father. And when none of those things happened, it became obvious that he was not my friend. It was upsetting every time it happened.”

Lizzy leaned into him, put her head down on his shoulder, and murmured, “Well, that is quite a rotten thing to experience, and so young.”

“Indeed. At Cambridge I was older and wiser, but I had already built the mask, you see, and it kept many people at least arm’s length away from me. At that point, I had a handful of good friends, steady friends who wanted nothing from me other than friendship. But, with others, I had a reputation for being…unapproachable, perhaps? Arrogant, I gather.”

William sighed.

“The mask did not make me happier, but it removed the worst, most hurtful parts of being the son of a rich and connected family. And then—”

“Then?”

“When my father died, I was suddenly master of Pemberley and other assorted, smaller properties, and rumors spread about how rich I was. And so, suddenly, I found any dinner or ball I attended had become a marriage mart. Debutants and widows and even married women approached me, sometimes in quite disgusting ways. There was always something hard behind their eyes, something calculating behind their flirtations, something inauthentic in their voices.”

Lizzy looked into William’s eyes and recognized pain.

“I would hate that so much,” she said.

“As do I. Anyway, if I found myself in a drawing room with one acquaintance but three strangers, I did not even think about it; I just did the habitual thing of sliding my mask on. If I found myself in a ballroom, of course the mask was on. I am not sure how conscious any of it was. But at least I did not leave a string of broken hearts.”

After considering that for several seconds, she decided to give him something to consider, as well.

“William, when you insulted me the first time we were in company, I know that you did not break my heart, but you did bruise it. And I have a feeling that the mask might have bruised quite a few girls who felt that they were even lower than they thought because you immediately dismissed them.”

William’s shoulders slumped, his head lowered, his lips compressed in a sorry line…and his eyes seemed to brighten with tears. Lizzy was horrified. She truly had not wanted to hurt him, or make him weep. She hugged him, crying out, “I am so sorry, William. I know you did not mean the insult. I did not mean to make you feel bad, but I just think you do not realize your power, and I thought…but I am sorry.”

William caught her mouth against his and kissed her fiercely but briefly; he then straightened and said, “No, I am sorry. You are quite right; I cannot act like keeping everyone away with a mask of arrogance is protective of them as well as me. It was self-protection only. Quite cowardly, really.”

He smiled a bit, but it did not reach his eyes. Lizzy was determined to bring back his smiling eyes, and his laugh. She thought about their first kiss, and she moved to sit on his lap, giving him a chaste kiss on one cheek. She then kissed the side of his nose, one corner of his mouth, then squarely on his lips. She felt his cheek raise in a smile, and she tried those things he had instigated earlier, licking his lips, suckling his lower lip, prodding his mouth open with her gentle tongue. Thankfully, he took over at that point, kissing gently at moments then deepening to fierce and almost desperate kisses.

When they stopped for oxygen, Elizabeth tried to stand up, but William’s embrace kept her in his lap. “Lizzy,”

he said, still panting.

“Is there room for me in this life you have created for yourself? Will you marry me?”

She wanted to say yes more than she had wanted anything, ever. But she was not currently in the middle of a kiss, and a rational brain bit of her own rose up, and instead she said, “But…my father might…I am not of age…He would maybe…”

William now stood, still embracing her but carefully adjusting his hold so that her feet were not dangling above the floor. He said, “We can plan how and when to approach your father. Let us get to the most important question. All practical considerations aside, would you consent to being my wife? Do you wish to marry me?”

“Then, my answer is yes.”

To celebrate, they kissed. Again.