Page 23 of Scarlet Vows (Yegorov Bratva #3)

Chapter Seventeen

ALINA

Not sleeping well combined with going to bed early has perks, I guess.

Sure, there’s the tossing and turning, but when I’m up, I’m up. And while I know Ilya is usually at the gym in the very early hours, this morning his door’s closed.

He must be sleeping in. Working with two bratvas, running them, has to be taking its toll.

I take the opportunity to grab a coffee and head out early.

I have the driver drop me off near the park.

I’m pretty sure that Gus keeps an eye on me as I join the early morning walkers, joggers, and runners in a brisk walk of my own, trying to burn off some of the troubled thoughts and emotions that simmer inside me.

It doesn’t help.

I know I’ve been acting like an irrational creature ever since the kiss. Worse, I’ve been cowardly. But I can’t help it.

The thought of facing Ilya like we’re totally normal, like I’ve somehow managed to turn back the clock to before I had feelings for him as a grown-up, is something I can’t even face. I’m overwhelmed, swamped by emotions I can’t sort, let alone handle.

The guilt, the frustration, the need, the ache, the yearning. The worst thing is, I’m not even sure who the guilt’s for. Him or Max.

I finally slow down and head to the shelter. I’ve practically been living there. The first to arrive of the volunteers and the last to leave.

But the door is still locked in the early dawn. I stop at a coffee shop, buy some coffees and pastries, wave at Gus, and then head inside the now-unlocked shelter.

Eva’s eyebrows rise. It’s probably the wrong side of early, but I put on my bright smile and set down the coffee and pastries.

“You know, Alina, don’t get me wrong. While I more than appreciate the extra help and the enthusiasm…and your commitment, I can’t help thinking you might be running away from something. Do you want to talk about it?”

I sigh and take a coffee, pushing the tray to Eva, who helps herself to a coffee and a pain au chocolat .

I don’t really want to talk, but I feel like I do owe her some sort of explanation. Otherwise, I’m going to look like some kind of weird stalker.

“It’s complicated,” I warn.

“Then I’m assuming it involves a guy,” Eva says with a chuckle. “Complicated always does.”

I nod and take a sip of the rich coffee. “I have this friend who I’ve known all my life, but lately, there have been some unexpected…feelings.”

Eva pauses with the pastry halfway to her mouth, shock on her face. I almost ask her about it, but then she nods and sets her pastry down.

“Feelings,” she says as she moves into the dog area to feed them, “are often difficult. ”

“Agreed.” I take the bag of food and hold it for her.

“The thing is, if you don’t mind some advice?” she asks.

“No, I don’t.”

“Sometimes big changes make us cling to things, changes like marriage.” Eva opens an enclosure, scoops some of the kibble, and empties it into the bowl.

The little Jack Russell barks his thanks and chows down.

“But sometimes, when there’s change, the old can seem like something to hold on to. So maybe you need to weigh up whether this friendship’s worth ruining your marriage over.”

I stop, frowning, my head spinning. Is marriage some kind of metaphor?

Crap, did I tell her about the arrangement with Ilya? I’m positive I didn’t. I wouldn’t. And I don’t wear the ring here as I’m not comfortable with it on all the time. I’m about to ask what she means when I glance at Albert’s enclosure, and my heart crashes down.

It’s empty.

“Where’s Albert?” I ask, preparing myself for the worst, my entire body turning cold and numb.

I know he’s older, but he’s healthy and?—

“Oh no, nothing bad.” Eva laughs. “He’s been adopted, that’s all. Someone came in late last night and fell in love with the little guy.”

“Who wouldn’t?” I whisper.

I’m happy for Albert. I really am, no matter what my breaking heart may have to say. But I wish I’d been able to say goodbye to him. I just hope whoever has him loves him like he deserves.

Saying this to Eva is on the tip of my tongue, but I swallow the words because it makes me look weak, like I’m not made for this job. Other dogs have been adopted over the short time I’ve been here, like Petal, but Petal wasn’t with us long at all .

And it’s Albert.

I always thought of him as mine.

Which I know is wrong. I take over feeding the dogs and giving them fresh water so I have something to do.

A million questions about the person who adopted Albert rush at me, but I ignore them, push them down as best I can.

But as the day goes along, everything becomes harder. Walking the dogs isn’t the same without Albert. Neither is the dog park or playing with the others.

And every time I try to talk to Eva, who’s normally always up for conversation and loves to chat, she’s too busy.

I hurt over Albert, and my confusion over Ilya is reaching an all-time high.

I don’t know if it was Eva opening that can of worms and throwing the word “marriage” into the mix, but she won’t answer when I try to clarify, to ask her more, because there’s always a phone call she has to make or a chore she needs to do or a new subject she wants to broach.

And when Jane and another volunteer arrive, she disappears into her office, leaving me alone with my misery.

Not to mention the growing feeling I’ve suddenly been sent into another reality, one where Albert’s gone and no one wants to talk.

The only highlight is when Jane discusses one of the Sunday trash TV shows, but some families coming in to see the dogs interrupt her.

At six, I pack up, ready to leave, and I’ve just texted Gus, who I’m sure is hanging out nearby, when my phone lights up.

When I see who the text is from, my heart leaps and spins because it really doesn’t seem interested in receiving any of the memos my brain sends it.

It can’t keep a thing straight, not about Max or guilt or Ilya. Not about warm, gooey feelings and panic and fear. My heart’s a mess.

Ilya

Malyshka, I got takeout, your fav Thai place. And when you get home, we are going to sit down and talk.

Me

Thanks 4 the takeout, but I’m not hungry.

Ilya

We’re talking whether you want to or not. It’s time we clear the air. No?

I suck in a breath as Gus opens the door for me, and then I get in. I’m vaguely aware of Jane goggling the fancy car with a driver, but I don’t have the bandwidth to care.

Normally, Gus picks me up a few doors down.

As we head back, I think of asking Gus to take me to Demyan’s, but that’s just plain old cowardly and cruel. I’m not cruel. And I don’t want to be a coward.

Ilya doesn’t deserve that, and neither does the Max in my heart.

Max would be so disappointed.

Me

Ok. B home soon.

Shit, I may as well talk with him. I lost Albert, so the day really can’t get much worse.

Ilya’s there at the front door when I go to open it.

He takes my face in both hands and says, “I hate that you’ve been avoiding me. I can deal with you not wanting me or just wanting to be friends, but I can’t lose my friend.”

“I’m not… What?”

I can’t breathe. I don’t know what he’s saying. Wanting me? No, he didn’t say that. He said me not wanting him.

“What?” I repeat.

“I want you to know, Alina. I want to make it clear that I’d love nothing more than to sleep with you, to pleasure you in ways you’ve only imagined. I want you to know I want you. I figure that’s been obvious since the kiss. But I won’t ever do it if it means losing you altogether.”

I stare at him, my heart slamming hard. “You want me?”

“Of course I do. But I mean it—not at the risk of losing you and not if you’re not ready.”

I open my mouth to make up an excuse when different words come out.

“Ilya,” I whisper, “I want that, too. I want you. I can’t help it. I’m trying to fight it, but I just…”

Tears blur my vision and fall down my cheeks.

He wipes them away with his thumbs.

“But you feel guilty?” he asks.

I squeeze my eyes shut a moment. “So much.”

“Max was a smart guy, a good guy, and more than that, he loved you. He’d want you to be happy,” Ilya murmurs.

His words crack something apart inside me, and I sob. I know he’s right, but…

“It’s hard to believe in your heart that you can have happiness again, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, malyshka , I get it. I do. When you’re ready, I’ll be waiting.”

“For me?”

“You.”

“But…” I look at him. “What if I’m never ready?”

He gives me his secret, crooked, Ilya smile, one he’s only ever given me. “Then I’ll be waiting a long time.”

I don’t know why it makes me feel better, but it does. It’s nothing I haven’t heard before, but maybe it’s because it comes from Ilya…

I smile back. “Maybe we should eat before the food gets cold. And I hope there are shrimp rolls. ”

“Of course.” He gives me another of his secret smiles. “But first I have a surprise for you.”

He walks away and disappears.

I don’t want a surprise. I don’t deserve one. I want to lean on him and mope about Albert.

“Are you ready?” he calls out.

Then he steps into the room with a furry bundle in his arms, a tail wagging hard.

I squeal. “Albert!”

Albert barks, seeming happy to see me, and I hug him in Ilya’s arms, not minding also pressing into Ilya. Albert makes a soft sound that touches my heart, and I start to cry again. I’m so beyond touched by this gesture.

“How…?”

“It makes sense. You want a dog, and Albert’s special. He’s been obviously helping you heal, so it makes sense he moves in with us.”

I give a sobbing laugh. No wonder Eva was so weird and avoiding me today.

Ilya was the person who came in last night and adopted Albert. And it’s clear Albert loves Ilya, and Ilya loves him. I’m so happy I could burst.

I give him a mock glare, letting Albert lick my face. “How did you hide him from me?”

“Not exactly hard when you’ve been avoiding me,” he jokes. “But he did insist on sleeping in my bed.”

I laugh again, unable to stop. Then I kiss Albert’s head and squish him in a hug with Ilya.

His arm comes around me, and I try to ignore the spark that lights up inside me as his hand grazes down my back. His touch tingles everywhere until I’m hot and bothered.

I lift my head, looking up into Ilya’s brown eyes.

He’s so handsome, so kind, and his acceptance of me, his love for Albert, shines through. I’m not sure I’ve seen a man sexier than him holding a dog and letting me know that he’ll never pressure me, that he’ll wait forever for me to sort myself out.

The powerful sight rocks me to my very foundation.

The moment stretches until Albert barks, reminding me he’s here and probably ready to steal some non-spicy food from us.

I know I shouldn’t, but this dog’s going to be so spoiled. He settles something in me. As does Ilya, but Ilya also unsettles, too. In ways I’m starting to think may be good.

He steps back and hands me Albert.

“Tonight, we settle Albert into his new home,” he says softly, and then he guides me toward the food in the kitchen.

Among the rest of the food, a dish of plain beef on top of rice sits separately from the rest, a perfect snack for Albert.

“Tomorrow, we can talk some more, okay?” Ilya asks.

“Okay with you, Albert?” I ask as Albert buries his face into his treat. Grinning, I look at Ilya. “Okay with me, too.”