Page 132 of Saxon

Saxon is strapped onto the stretcher, which is tied down securely—the medics have administered an IV and applied a professional tourniquet. He's got leads on him, too, monitoring his vitals.

Once we're seated in weird but not uncomfortable webbing-chair things facing inward, and strapped in, Camilla hands me a headset and puts one on herself.

Airborne moments later, Camilla fiddles with her headset, and then mine, and then I hear her voice in my ears.

"Can I ask you something personal?"

"Of course," I say. "Wait, is this, like, a private channel?"

She nods. "Yes, of course."

I lean toward her. "I helped you pee on a dead man. I think we're at personal questions level, now."

She makes a prim face. "I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about." The expression melts and becomes thoughtful, gazing at Saxon. "What's it like?"

I frown. "What's what like?"

"Being in love. Being loved…by a man like him."

I duck my head. "Scary as hell," is my immediate reply. "I know fuck about love, Camilla. Being loved? It's hard to accept. But…I can't not. The way he does it is just…natural. He says he doesn’t know how either, but he sure makes it look easy. He says it. I…I fuckin' can't."

She looks at me. "That night…" trails off, glances away, and back at me. "He told you?"

I nod. "He did."

"Can I talk about it with you?"

"Sure. Of course."

She looks at him. Sad. Affectionate. "I saw a whole life with him, that night. We stayed up all night—fucking, yes, but also just talking. We were gonna run away." Her voice changes. No longer so proper, so formal, so distant. The woman she was comes through—the mask, the armor falls, a little bit. "I was trapped. I knew what my father did. My brothers. I mean, I knew the outlines, not the details. I didn't want to know. I wanted…god. I haven't said any of this since that night, to him. I wanted to be a designer."

"Clothes, or interior?"

"Interior. I wasn't allowed to, though. They controlled everything I did. My money was an allowance. I had bodyguards who took me where I was allowed to go." Pain, old and scarred over. "Even my boyfriends were determined by them. But then Saxon appeared in my condo one night, and he…he scared me. You know how is. But…I saw something in him. And I…I think I saw something in myself. Or he did. I don't know. But I…I suddenly felt like, if he was there beside me, I could…I could do anything. I'd be safe. They couldn't get me, couldn’t make me do anything." A long sad silence. "We were gonna move to somewhere in the Mediterranean. Live on the beach. Run a bar or a restaurant. Change our names. Forget everything, everyone. It would have been so good."

A long, long, long silence—minutes.

She shakes her head. "Sorry. Maudlin."

"No…no." I touch her hand. "I'm sorry it didn't work out."

"That's one way of putting it," she scoffs. Then turns to me. "If it had, you wouldn't have him."

I shrug. "Sure. But I wouldn't know any better." I keep hold of her hand. "You know, I wasn't looking for him. For anyone. For love. It just…hit me. It wasn't falling. I didn't fall in love with him. I… crazied into love. Whirlwinded into love. I don't fuckin' know. People were shooting, we were running, he did things with his mouth—it was wild."

She closes her eyes, shakes her head, sighs. "Ohhh, his mouth. He's got a wicked, wicked mouth."

"Fuck yeah, he does." I look at her. "My point is, maybe love will crazy its way into you, too. You just…you have to see it when it does, and have the balls to go with it."

"Balls are so fragile," she says. "Why is it when you want to talk about bravery or toughness, you say you 'have the balls?' I'm a woman. I don't have balls. I don't need or want balls to be brave or tough. But what do I say instead?"

"Saying I have the ovaries to do something scary just doesn't have the same rings, does it?" I say with a laugh.

"Not quite. We'll work on it." She looks at me, seeming nervous. Turns her hand and twines her fingers with mine. "I've never had a girlfriend before. Not the lesbian kind, the…the friend kind."

I laugh. "I know what you meant."

"I'd be honored if you would be my friend, Terra Connelly."