Page 171 of Ruthless Creatures

Because no mother wants to hear that her daughter’s new boyfriend is the head of the Russian mafia who was originally supposed to kill her but fell in love with her instead and recently saved her from being shot in the face by another assassin whose brain matter is now decorating the ceiling of the house she grew up in.

That would be a tad much, even for her.

I hang up and call Sloane.

She picks up, shouting. “I’ve been worried sick! Are you okay?”

I slide to the floor and sit with my back against the wall and my knees drawn up, eyes closed. “I’m sorry. I know I left in a bit of a state.”

“Astate? You left like you were being chased by a horde of soul-eating demons! And you wouldn’t tell me what the hell was going on! What happened?”

I think for a moment, take a sip of my wine, and decide just to go ahead and jump in.

“A mafia assassin named Viktor came to the house to kill me.”

Silence.

“Well, first he was supposed to get information from me about David—”

“David?”

“His name’s really Damon, by the way. He was in the mafia, too. Long story. I’ll circle back. So the assassin shows up and was just about to shoot me when Kage bursts in and shoots him instead. Finally, I have some good luck. Then my luck turns to shit again because I find out Kage was supposed to do Viktor’s job originally, but got distracted by my dazzling vagina.”

I pause to draw a breath. “You still there?”

“Just getting the popcorn. Keep talking.”

She never misses a beat, this girl. She should run for president. The country would be whipped into shape in no time.

“So Kage disobeyed a direct order from his boss, Max, who was David’s boss, too, before David embezzled one hundred million dollars from him and turned state’s evidence so the feds would give him a new identity so he could quit the mafia and move away.”

“That cheapskate had a hundred million bucks the whole time you were with him?”

She’s outraged about the money. I have to wonder at her priorities.

“Yes. He also has a new wife. Oh—I skipped ahead. David’s alive. I found him in Panama.”

Sloane starts to laugh. “Of course you did. Holy infant baby Jesus.”

“He had another wife, too, before this new one. He was married to some Sicilian mafia princess the whole time we were together. And he had two kids. Can you believe that? He’s a bigamist!”

Sloan laughs harder.

I say sourly, “Excuse me, this is my life we’re talking about here. It isn’t funny.”

“Babe, this is the funniest shit I’ve heard since we were twelve and you got that tampon wedged so far up your cooter your dad had to take you to the emergency room to get it out.”

“It was my first period! I didn’t know how to use them right! And why aren’t you worried about my mental state? I was almost killed! I’m having a breakdown over here!”

She sighs. I imagine her wiping tears of laughter from her eyes and getting her face all buttery from the popcorn.

“You’re not having a breakdown. But I don’t blame you for being upset. All that time and that tightwad David was actually loaded. What a massive butthole.”

I rub my temples, shaking my head in disbelief. “Aren’t you going to ask where I am now?”

“You’re with Kage, obviously.”

“Why obviously?”