Page 26 of Rules Of Engagement: St. Louis (In The Heart of A Valentine #17)

Chapter

Eighteen

NAOMI

The following Monday, the bell’s ring was loud enough to mask the echo of my Christian Louboutins as I strolled down the hallway of Washington Elementary.

Students spilled from the neighboring classrooms as I stopped at the entrance to Journey’s classroom door, waiting patiently for the last students to leave.

Behind them, Journey exited with her purse clutched under her arm. She turned and closed her door, locked it, then blinked over at me, finally noticing me standing there.

“Naomi!”

Her face lit up with surprise and delight. “What are you doing here?”

“I need to talk to you. Can we grab lunch?”

Journey’s expression shifted immediately to concern. She knew me well enough to recognize when I was fighting some internal battle.

“Of course. Let me just grab my jacket.” She unlocked her classroom door and disappeared inside for a moment, returning with a light cardigan. “There’s a deli around the corner that’s quiet. We can talk there.”

The walk took five minutes, but Journey didn’t press me for information. She chatted about her morning classes, about the new curriculum she was implementing, about everything except whatever was clearly eating at me. That was Journey—she’d give you space until you were ready to fill it.

The deli was small, with mismatched tables and a cozy atmosphere.

“Turkey club and sweet tea,” Journey told the woman behind the counter. “What about you, Naomi?”

“Chicken salad on wheat. Water’s fine.”

We found a table in the back corner, away from the handful of other lunch customers. Journey settled across from me, her hands folded, her expression patient but alert.

“So,” she said. “What’s going on?”

I took a deep breath and brought Journey up to speed about everything that happened between Christian and me since we met.

Journey listened without interruption, her expression shifting from surprise to understanding to something that looked like relief.

“So let me make sure I have this right,” she said when I finished. “You’ve been seeing this man for a year. You’ve been to Italy with him. He cooks for you, is your listening ear, and holds you when you have nightmares about Gerald. And you’re just now telling me his name?”

“It wasn’t supposed to be like that. We had rules.”

“Rules that you made up to protect yourself after Gerald destroyed your faith in love.”

“Yes.”

“And now those rules aren’t working anymore because you’ve fallen in love with him.”

I nodded, my throat tight. “I don’t know what to do, Journey. Saturday night, when I saw him at the gala with his assistant, I wanted to walk over there and claim him. Tell everyone in that room that he was mine.”

“But you didn’t.”

“No. Because he’s not mine. Not really. We have an arrangement, not a relationship.”

Journey was quiet for a moment, processing everything I’d told her. Our food arrived, and she picked at her sandwich while she thought.

“Can I ask you something without you getting defensive?”

“Probably not but go ahead.”

“Is this about Christian, or is this about you being too scared to trust your own judgment again?”

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you loved Gerald with everything you had. You trusted him completely, ignoring every red flag and making excuse after excuse for his behavior. And when it fell apart, it nearly destroyed you.”

“Journey.”

“I’m not finished. Now you’ve found a man who, from everything you’ve told me, treats you nothing like Gerald.

Who respects your boundaries, who’s patient with your rules, who shows up for you consistently.

And instead of recognizing that this is what healthy love looks like, you’re running scared because it’s not what you’re used to. ”

I sat back in my chair, stunned by the accuracy of her assessment.

“Gerald trained you to think that love meant drama and chaos and constantly proving yourself,” Journey continued. “So when Christian shows you steady, reliable affection, your brain doesn’t recognize it as love.”

“That’s not—” I started, then stopped. “Okay, maybe there’s some truth to that.”

“Some truth? Honey, that’s the whole truth and nothing but the truth.”

I took a bite of my sandwich, giving myself time to process what she’d said. “But what if I’m wrong about him? What if I let my guard down and he turns out to be just like?—”

“Like Gerald?” Journey shook her head. “From everything you’ve told me, Christian is nothing like Gerald. Gerald took from you constantly. Christian gives. Gerald made everything about him. Christian puts your needs first. Gerald manipulated and lied. Christian has been honest from day one.”

“But the rules keep me safe.”

“The rules keep you lonely.” Journey reached across the table and covered my hand with hers. “I understand why you needed them after Gerald. But honey, you can’t live the rest of your life in a fortress.”

“What if he hurts me?”

“What if he doesn’t? What if this is your chance at the love you’ve always deserved?”

I stared down at my plate, my appetite gone. “I’m terrified, Journey.”

“I know you are. But you know what terrifies me more?”

“What?”

“The thought of you being so afraid of getting hurt again that you push away the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”

We ate in silence for a few minutes, even when my taste buds didn’t register the flavor of my food. Journey had given me a lot to think about, and she was wise enough to let me process without pushing.

“He bought a house in Tuscany,” I said randomly.

“You mentioned that.”

“He took me truffle hunting. I climbed a tree to escape a wild boar.”

Journey smiled. “You climbed a tree?”

“With Christian’s help. And when we got back to the villa, he cooked but we never made it to dinner... or, we became dinner to each other.”

“That sounds eventful,” she chuckled and held on to a smirk.

“It was. It was the most perfect weekend of my life.” I met her eyes. “And that scares the hell out of me.”

“Why?”

“Because I want more weekends like that. I want to go back to Italy with him. I want to learn to cook in that kitchen and fall asleep in his arms every night.” My voice broke slightly. “I want things I promised myself I’d never want again.”

“Oh, honey.” Journey’s expression was soft with understanding. “That’s not scary. That’s wonderful.”

“Is it?”

“Yes. It means you’re healing. It means you’re ready to love and be loved again.”

“But what if I’m not? What if I’m still too broken from Gerald?”

“You’re not broken, Naomi. You were hurt, and you protected yourself while you healed. But you’re no longer that woman. You’re stronger now, wiser. You know what real love looks like because you’ve experienced it with Christian.”

“This wasn’t supposed to be love, damn it!”

Journey’s eyes widened and she covered my hand with hers. “Take deep breaths. It’s okay to be shocked by what you’ve experienced but to me, it’s serendipity.”

I was lost in my thoughts when I murmured. “He wants more, too.”

“Of course he does. He’s been waiting for you to be ready.”

“What if I’m never ready?”

“Then you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been. And that, my friend, is the real tragedy.”

Journey finished her sandwich and pushed her plate away. “Can I tell you something your mother would say if she were here?”

“What?”

“That your father didn’t let his war wounds keep him from loving her. He could have hidden behind his trauma, used his pain as an excuse to stay closed off. Instead, he chose to trust her with his heart.”

“That’s different.”

“How?”

“He was the victim. Gerald was the one who—” I stopped, realizing what I was about to say.

“Gerald was the one who hurt you. And instead of letting that make you bitter and closed off forever, you could choose to trust Christian with your heart.”

I sat back in my chair, the parallel hitting me hard. My father had come home from war broken in body and spirit, but he’d chosen love over fear. He’d decided to continue building a life with my mother instead of hiding behind his wounds.

“I don’t know how to do this, Journey. I don’t know how to love someone without losing myself.”

“You don’t have to know how. You just have to be willing to try.”

“And if it doesn’t work out?”

“Then at least you’ll know you tried. At least you won’t spend the rest of your life wondering.”

Journey reached for the check, but I grabbed it first. “Lunch is on me. It’s the least I can do after dumping all this on you.”

“You didn’t dump anything on me. This is what friends do.” She smiled. “Besides, I’m proud of you.”

“For what?”

“For being brave enough to fall in love again.”

“I haven’t done anything yet.”

“Yes, you have. You opened yourself up to Christian. You let him in, even when you thought you were controlling the narrative. That takes courage. And to be honest, I don’t see you losing yourself.

You are you when you’re with him and when you’re away.

He doesn’t make you feel inadequate. This is golden, honey. ”

We walked back toward the school with the wind whipping around us. Journey had given me perspective, support, and a gentle push in the right direction.

“So what are you going to do?” she asked as we reached her classroom.

“I don’t know yet. But I know I can’t keep pretending this is just an arrangement anymore.”

“Good. Because from everything you’ve told me, Christian stopped pretending a long time ago.”

She hugged me goodbye, and I walked back to my car with my mind spinning. Journey was right, I’d been so focused on protecting myself from potential pain that I’d been blind to the actual love standing right in front of me.

The question now was whether I was brave enough to do something about it.