Page 34 of Rule 2: Never Join a Christmas Dating Show

I fled Ashcove because I’d hated it so much there’d been no other choice.

Shame gurgles through me, scraping against my veins as it surges through my body.

I slide to the floor and press my arms against my chest. My heart thrums violently, like a frightened bird. But I can’t reach and calm it. No one can.

I need to go to bed.

I need to clear my equipment.

I can’t stay on the floor forever. I force myself up and start dismantling the lights. Each piece of equipment goes into its designated case, the routine usually calming. Even counting sheep wouldn’t be soothing now.

A text pings on my phone. It’s Ella. Relief moves through me.

ELLA: How was the interview?

ME: Good.

ELLA: I’m getting things ready for the hometown date.

I stiffen, then call her.

“Hi Sebastian!” Ella says cheerfully.

“Ella, there’s no hometown date in the Christmas specials.”

“I know. But he’s from a fishing village near Boston. We can easily do it.”

“Yes, but—”

“This will give us small town vibes. The audience loves that. This is perfect.”

I close my eyes. “No hometown date, Ella. Trust me.”

I sleep unevenly during the night, plagued by memories of being yelled at by Bryce at random times. He knew I was gay before I did, announcing it during biology class to a group of giggling pre-teens. He used to ask me if I wanted to lick his hairy balls and make me the subject of every joke. Whenever I would approach, because God, we had classes together and Ashcove High wasn’t big enough to swallow us both up, he would announce some variation of “ew.”

I never made friends. School was something I had to attend. I’d like to say there was a silver lining. That I’m tougher now because of the experience. I’d like to say that the experience caused me to concentrate on my classes, that I took solace in science and history and foreign languages.

But the statement would be absurd.

My mind was scattered, unable to hold onto topics and facts, unable to hold onto anything except the fact I was hated, despised, and laughed at.

Each class pushed me to the extreme. I couldn’t concentrate on the numbers or the readings. I never knew when I would see Bryce, and of course, Bryce was not the only instigator. Even when he was gone, his friends would tease me, because that’s what they did around me.

I left Ashcove High after graduation, but not on a scholarship to an Ivy League, the subject of praise by my teachers. I left with no plans beyond getting as much distance between myself and everyone I’d ever known.

But now I’m back in Massachusetts. Worse, I might be going back to Ashcove. I can change my appearance...somewhat. But I’ll always be the boy Bryce used to tease.

I hope Luke hasn’t figured out who I am.

I hope he never does.

God, there were moments tonight when I almost wanted to tell him. But that would have been ridiculous. Because all that would have happened would be that I would see at best sympathy where I’d seen curiosity and wonder. At worst, I would have seen repulsion.

I’m not ready for Luke to view me in that manner, and I don’t want to ponder too hard why that’s the case.

The hometown date better never happen.

I wake up groggy-eyed. Today is a new day, and it will be wonderful. It has to be.