Page 6 of Rowdy Boy

“Thatbridge,” I confirm with a smile. Perfect timing. The trains usually come about an hour apart. As soon as this one clears, I can get up on the tracks.

“You can’t be serious.” He looks pissed. And concerned. For a guy who was anxious to get home a minute ago, he sure is making a scene lingering and arguing with me.

“Why do you think I wanted to meet out here tonight?” I challenge.

“Are you for real right now? If a train comes while you’re on the tracks, there’s no gutter on either side.”

“That’s part of the fun.” I snicker. My smile’s starting to feel maniacal as the train horn grows louder with its approach.

“The bridge is at least twelve feet from the road,” he protests. “If you had to jump, you’d break something for sure.”

His fretting was cute at first. Now he’s treading into concerned boyfriend territory, and he’s about to realize he’s wasting his fucking time.

I lean in close with the intention of telling him off and sending him on his way. With my mouth hovering inches from his ear, I whisper, “I think you overestimate how much I actually give a fuck.”

He jolts back like I’ve struck him, confusion and concern marring his expression. He’s looking at me like I’m crazy. I’m not fucking crazy. I’m just fucking tired. It’s time to get on with it. I’ve been looking forward to this for hours. If he doesn’t want to participate, he’s going to be in my way.

“So I take it you’re not going to help me?”

“Fuck. Jake… there’s no way I’m getting up on that bridge…”

I shrug, but my next words are sincere. “Good for you, bro. Peer pressure’s a bitch. I’m proud of you for not caving.”

“Jake…” he huffs, running his fingers through his bangs.

The train whistle sounds again, quieter this time. Much quieter.

It’s now or never. And never’s not an option tonight.

“Look, I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. But this is why I came here in the first place.” I sling my backpack over my shoulder and falter slightly when the weight of it shifts on my back.

“Jake, seriously. Let me take you home. You drank a lot…”

“Fuck off, Bash. If you’re not gonna help me, then get gone. I’m not interested in hearing any more lectures tonight.”

I stride past a row of storage units and try to maintain my balance, but between the dark of the night and the loose gravel under my feet, I stumble every few steps. I hear Bash behind me, but I don’t turn around to confirm he’s actually following.

He can stay or he can go. I’ve only got one thing on my mind now.

My shoulders ache from lying like this, but the rest of my body slots in perfectly between the tracks. The damp earth between the ties cushions the base of my skull, almost like a pillow. I lie as still as possible, ensuring no part of me touches even an inch of the tracks. If a train comes now, I’m covered. Literally. It’ll whizz right over me, and I’ll be fine. Sure, my heart rate will pound so hard against my chest cavity that I’ll be at risk for cardiac arrest. But that’s half the fun.

Vulnerable. Exposed. Nothing can protect me up here. Nothing can hurt me, either.

I stare at the sky and wonder whether the haziness is a passing cloud or the morning fog. Doesn’t matter. It blankets me, envelops me in a hug. I’m never leaving this spot. Lying parallel with the tracks is oddly comforting, like I’m resting in my own cradle. Or my own coffin.

I haven’t been sleeping lately. I haven’t slept soundly in over a year.

The monster that haunts my dreams isn’t just one man. No, he’s a hybrid beast: a blending of what I ranfromand what I rantobefore I pivoted and completed the cycle.

My dad thought he could shove me back into the closet. All he did was put me out to pasture with the devil I already knew.

I feel his breath on the back of my neck.

I sense the disdain in my dad’s voice.

I hear him grunt behind me as his hand presses into my spine.

I see the spit flying as my dad screams in my face.