Page 6

LAUREN

I heard Salt pull up and every single nerve stood on end. It was time. I’d completely screwed up today and now it was time to pay for it. I kneeled in front of the window in my charcoal gray skirt, knee-high cable knitted socks, and a pale pink button-down shirt. Punishing myself, I faced the large bay window, watching the rain pour down.

The front door opened, then closed, and disappointment replaced my fear. I received instructions not to greet him at the door as I usually did. I’d lost that privilege today. That stinging sensation pierced the back of my eyes as I fought to maintain control over my emotions. That was the reason I’d ended up in this predicament. My darn emotions.

Footsteps moved across the wood floor in the opposite direction from me. Salt climbed the steps heading to the bedroom, and I blinked away a tear that threatened to break free. I heard shuffling, and though I wanted to run to him and let him make everything better, I just couldn’t. I shifted my weight. Naturally, I moved to stand but caught myself. That would only make things worse. I wanted to make this as painless as possible.

“You should have told me you weren’t happy.” His words echoed throughout my mind and I wished I dared to tell him that I’d never been more content in my entire life. But I wasn’t that brave, so he’d never know. He couldn’t.

Holding on to something so good would likely make it worse when it was time to let go. Either I’d screw it up or he’d grow tired of tending to my needs. It was destined to happen. History always defines the future and we are no different. Was I attached to him? Absolutely. And I knew because of how well we fit together, he would be the one to destroy me.

I don’t know how long I sat watching the rain. No idea how many possibilities ran through my mind. I couldn’t guess how many times his face popped into the forefront of my head and I fantasized about nuzzling his hands before I kissed his lips. My knees hurt from staying in this position for as long as I had, but I didn’t dare move.

Footsteps descended the steps, heavier than before. Carrying luggage had that effect. I didn’t look. Couldn’t afford to watch the man that I was falling in love with pack his things and move on with his life. I’d decided for the both of us. He was here doing this because I’d called him and demanded that he do so. He’d kept talking, trying to persuade me to talk things through with him. That hadn’t worked. Neither had that deep, commanding tone. There was nothing he could do to make me change my mind. It wasn’t up for negotiation.

“Something must have happened. Talk to me,” He’d coached from the phone.

I’d remained quiet and let the tears fall silently. There was no need to rehash my reasons for resenting his love. He deserved better than what I could give him, and that’s all he needed to know. Except, I’d chosen not to tell him that either. It was time to let go, or at least, that was the line that I kept feeding us both.

“I’m not happy.” That was the double-edged blade that made me rock back and forth in disbelief. I knew that was the biggest lie I’d ever told.

“Why didn’t you say so?” He wondered aloud.

“Can you come and get your things today?” Skipping his questions was the best move. Avoiding having to lie was better.

“Not a problem. Just to be clear, you’re refusing to talk about this?”

“You know everything that you need to.” I even sounded like a brat to myself.

“Don’t wait for me by the door, Lauren.”

He was angry. I heard it in every clipped word he spoke. He’d made me flinch at his request. I always met him at the door. No matter how angry, upset, sad, or removed, either of us was. It didn’t matter. I couldn’t take it back. That conversation was hours ago, and it still rang loud and clear right now.

I twirled the pendant that hung from my necklace unconsciously. I always did it when I missed him. It felt like I made a connection over the distance that brought me a little closer. My lifeline. He’d bought it for me because it reminded him of me when he saw it.

Salt walked around my house, removing everything that was his, wiping him from my existence. I’d chosen this window because it was out of the way and he’d have to come in search of me to see me. It was the one place in the house where there wasn’t a likely chance of sighting me. Thankfully, it came with a window.

Collecting things from the first floor should be a lot easier. If I’d had the nerve, I’d have put everything together for him so that all he’d need to do was grab them, and then go. Part of me was enjoying his presence, even if it would be the last time that he was here. I could picture his scowl as he moved about. Frustration tensed every muscle in his body. His inked arms flexed as he lifted things. He’d be working his jaw as he ground his teeth. The lack of control driving him nuts. He was always in control. It was kind of his thing. The strong, dominant man who controlled everything around him.

Salt moved into the kitchen, and I knew he was taking his favorite mug and tumbler. I’d kind of hoped that he’d leave the mug. It was a guilty pleasure of mine to drink warm milk from it when he wasn’t around because I hated coffee. I swore I could taste him every time I took a sip. I always cleaned it before he came here so that he was never the wiser.

Salt walked into the den, and while there was nothing in there that belonged to him explicitly, it was where I kept his favorite bourbon. He liked it chilled, so I’d purchased a small refrigerator that I always kept well stocked. He also had to keep alcohol away from Neriah, so he could only drink here. The clink of glass meeting glass told me he was doing exactly as I thought. He was drinking. It wasn’t a regular occurrence, always a treat. I had a feeling that this drink was more to calm him. A possible “fuck her” drink. I didn’t care if he drank the entire three-hundred-dollar bottle. If it gave him a little peace, I’d purchase him however many he required to make this easiest.

The second and third clinks worried me, though. He was driving, and I couldn’t have anything happen to him. I almost rose to prevent any more drinks, but I heard movement again as he left and walked into the living room. Nothing in there belonged to him, but I guess it didn’t hurt for him to look.

“God, am I going to miss this room?” he mumbled.

There were a lot of memories. We’d had sex and done scenes in every room in this house, but the living room seemed to be his favorite. Many times, he had cuffed me to the ottoman while he did whatever he liked. He did lots of kinky things to me, like having sex, eating off my back, and spanking me while watching sports. The leather couches were off-limits for my bare ass to sit on and so he’d purchased a huge leather pillow for me to kneel on while I pleasured him with my mouth. I could even curl up on it to watch TV. It was purple, my favorite color, and I loved it almost as much as I loved... I’d miss him in that room most. It was where we were the most intimate, and I didn’t mean just sex. We always cuddled there and talked about our day. We shared space in each other’s minds. It was our place. Er… it WAS our place.

Footsteps came my way and there was a long pause. I knew he was looking at me. I couldn’t find the strength to look his way. There was no way. I knew if I did, the tears would come sure enough. I had to be strong, and he’d caught me in a very vulnerable state. My hair hid my face, but there could only be one reason he’d sought me out. I’d hoped that he would let it be and let me part with it on my terms. I knew why he’d come in search of it. He had purchased it, after all. I was no longer his, and that meant that I’d have to give it back.

Maybe I should have never put it on today because I knew it was doomsday. The day that I walked away from everything. It made me feel safe, and I needed that bit of security. My last connection to him.

My thighs and knees hurt so badly that I was shaking lightly. I deserved it, though. I’d let my guard down too far. Why? I’d allowed myself to need him, dependent on his control, love, and care. He’d made my heart beat for him. Even now, I could feel his pain and wanted to make him better. I wanted him to kiss me after he called me his good girl. I needed to feel his arms around me, securing me in his warmth. A cocoon of him.

Salt walked over and stood directly in front of me. Slowly, he lowered his hand, palm up, and his arm extended toward me. I knew what that meant. It wasn’t the first time that he’d done it, but it would be the last. Anger rose so quickly that I almost fell over. I reached behind my head and unfastened the clasp on the back of the necklace that I wore daily. As it came free and the air chilled the once-covered skin, a sob ripped free. My hands trembled as I held each end, frozen in place. This wasn’t right. I couldn’t do this. Tears poured from my face and I felt every part of me being torn apart. I had to do this. I could. Except, I really couldn’t. I didn’t want to.

“Lauren…”

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to get a grip, but it only made it worse. Tears pushed through, drenching my face and chest.

“Baby girl…”

Too much!

“No!” I shouted.

Warm hands stroked the sides of my face before getting lost in my hair. Unable to fight him, I nuzzled his hand, relaxing against it. His other hand cupped the other side of my face and, like a glass being held too tightly, I felt the pressure building and I was so close to shattering right here and now.

“You’re so damn stubborn, my beautiful slut,” he whispered.

I opened my mouth to speak, but he covered my lips with his and took control of me easily. I whimpered into his mouth, seeking more of his cure. Succumbing to my needs, I dropped that damn necklace and wrapped my arms around him, needing him closer. I could taste the spicy bourbon on his tongue as he used it to brand me. Making me his all over again.

I pushed at his chest, realizing that this wasn’t going as I planned. He needed to go. His hand fell away from my face and a loud smack echoed throughout the house from his hand connecting with my exposed backside. I yelped, but his kisses drowned out the sound. I tried to stand, to break contact, and another crack landed loud and clear as pain exploded on my ass. It wasn’t sexy and playful like I’d experienced in the past. It was firm and filled with conviction. Punishing. It was helping to tear me apart right here in his hold.

He stood up, pulling me to my feet by my throat, and never breaking this kiss. My legs weren’t steady. In fact, they throbbed in pain from the lack of circulation and being held in one position for so long. I couldn’t stand on my own and he somehow knew.

Salt picked me up and walked me into the living room, where he sat me on the ottoman. He pulled his mouth from mine and unbuttoned his pants, removing his belt with a firm tug. I licked my lips nervously. What was he about to do?

He freed his erection and put the belt around the back of my neck. He pulled me until the tip of his cock pressed against my lips. I refused to open my mouth, though the pre-cum coated my lips. His hands fisted the belt tighter, pulling me closer.

“Open your goddamn mouth.” He hissed.

I hesitated, and his growl made me look up at him. Big fucking mistake. His eyes challenged me to disobey. I felt his will, and he was seconds from snapping in two. Just when I felt him splintering, I opened my mouth and his shaft rushed inside. I almost gagged on the big bastard, but I relaxed just in time. His raised eyebrow and smirk only conveyed a small amount of how cocky Salt was.

“Milk it,” he growled.

I whimpered my response before I set to work. I could handle a final blowjob. It’d be the best one he ever got. I teased him with my tongue, building him up slowly. I held on to his thighs but kept my hands clear of his shaft. The first time I swallowed him, he whistled and moaned so low and deep that it stirred a tremble. His knees almost buckled, and he gripped the belt even tighter.

I’d closed my eyes to focus, but when I opened them, he threw his head back and his hips arched into my mouth. The sight of him so exposed to me was so hot. I squirmed on the ottoman, wanting to get off just by watching him. I lowered my hand between my spread legs and a loud growl made me freeze just before my fingers connected with my swollen clit.

“You know better.”

A pleading whimper begged him for mercy.

“You ready to talk yet?” Arousal and pent-up frustration laced his words.

When I didn’t respond, he tugged the belt, and I went back to sucking him off. He was so hard that I knew he was getting close. I continued pleasing him until suddenly he let go of one end of the belt and I tumbled backward, quickly catching myself.

“Bend over, Lauren.”

I eyed him suspiciously, and he snapped the belt in his hand. Slowly, I bent over and he flipped my skirt upward and tore the side of my panties, letting them fall away.

“Hold still.”

That was the only warning I got before he used the belt to light up my ass. I wanted to run, scream at him, and tell him he no longer had the right to do this anymore. But who was I fooling? He didn’t ask permission. He took what he wanted, and if this was what he thought I deserved, he wasn’t waiting around for me to grant his wishes.

As each lash struck, I could feel the tension from him being unleashed. Making him feel better calmed me to the point of mumbling stuttering apologies filled with tearful sniffles. I was a mess. He was a mess. And my ass burned from the loss of control he’d suffered today. I don’t know what I said. Can’t tell you anything that I rambled off. I just knew that remorse was the overwhelming feeling that I had.

When his last strike graced both cheeks of my ass, I knew it was meant to be punishing. The bite stung so badly that I wondered if he’d broken skin. I collapsed, a heap of distraught, broken, and now confused mess. His pain was so thick in the air that I could taste its putrid odor.

He stumbled to the couch, where he fell back and stared at the ceiling in complete silence. He ignored my cries, the sniffling and gasps of air that I sought for my lungs. I didn’t blame him for this. Maybe there was another way that I could have gone about it. And now we were both trying to figure out which way was up when we could only see down. He was hurting. And I could see that he hurt now more than before.

“Fuck, I’m sorry, baby. I just … I don’t know how I lost control that way.” He ran his hand through his hair in frustration.

On shaky legs, I crossed the room to where he sat and straddled his lap. I couldn’t let him feel bad about this. It wasn’t his fault. I took his hand and let his finger caress the space between my legs and he hissed.

“Fuck, you’re wet. Drenched, beautiful baby.”

I reached beneath me until I found his still-hard member. I inched him inside of me and he gripped my thighs.

“Shit!” He leaned up, taking my mouth hard.

I rode him with everything I had. The love I felt for him anchored my hips. Passion coated us both, slickening the ride. The groans and moans were declarations of promises we couldn’t say out loud. I clawed at him, wanting to claim him as mine. He nibbled and bit, piercing my body, marking me so that no one else could. I was his, and we both knew it. My attempt to keep him away from my battered soul was futile. It’d only made him more ruthless, and my brokenness was even more drawn to his relentlessness.

“Tell me you love me,” he commanded.

I shook my head, no, but I rode him harder. Fiercer.

“Tell me, beautiful slut. You mumbled it before, so be brave and say it now.”

I denied him, though my eyes pleaded for him to push me.

“You’re not a good fucking girl at all today, are you? First, you lie to me. Then you push me away. You had me convinced that I’d just lost one of the best fucking things that ever happened to me. I was trying to figure out how I’d missed your unhappiness. How I’d been bad for you. What needs didn’t I tend to? And the truth is the exact opposite, isn’t it? You need this just as much as I do, don’t you? It’s terrifying to love somebody as much as I love you. And it wasn’t until now that I realized that we’ve never said it. And maybe you don’t understand that I need you to need me as much as you do. Because I need you just as much. You’re mine, baby girl. And this shit, the bull crap that you started today, it ends now, baby. You hear me? You’re god damn mine.”

I couldn’t stop the tears that started, nor the tightening feeling that was the telltale of a powerful orgasm that I couldn’t hold on to.

“Please, Sir. May I? Can I? Will you let me…?”

“Let you what?”

“I want to be yours … But this thing… It’s too much. You’ll hurt me. Destroy me.”

“And I’ll make it up to you every time. I’ll be right here.”

I shook my head, no, but my heart was already full, waiting for me to say yes. I needed him. And denying that hurt way more than what he could ever do.

“Tell me you love me, sweet girl. Tell me what I need to hear.”

A loud groan erupted from my throat as I held back my affection and the need to come.

“Tell me.” A command. Not a request.

“I … I…” I moaned louder as he bucked underneath me. I was so close. So close. “Love you.”

“Again.”

“I … love… you!”

He jerked underneath me, and I knew he was coming.

“Come for me, baby. Fuck! I love you so much. So damn … ugh!”

I lost all sensation as I let go. My body rode a high that I’d never felt before. I was still moving and seeking this thrill, but I was no longer in control. I felt as if my body was contorting into three. Sharp pangs danced along my skin as the spasms wrecked me. I screamed out in pain and pleasure until nothing else came out. I passed out somewhere between eureka and an epiphany so outstanding that my mind couldn’t comprehend it.

“Baby…”

I tried to open my eyes, but everything hurt so badly. I yelped but didn’t move a muscle.

“Shh … I’ll make it better.”

Slowly, Salt lifted us from the couch and I shivered against him in pain, and because I was freezing. As gingerly as he could, he made his way to the bathtub, where he cleaned us both. He left me to bring a thick bathrobe back to keep me warm once I was out of the tub. He carried me to bed, where he tucked me in tight before disappearing to the kitchen. I knew he’d be back. He’d even reassured me he would be. But the unrealistic fear still surfaced. And when he came back, I was a crying mess again. Fears echoed in my mind, and I couldn’t stop the rapid flow of negative thoughts.

He was right here, yet every bad thought was swarming so fast that I couldn’t stop them. I couldn’t speak. I could only squeeze my eyes closed, yelling inside my head for it all to stop.

“Stop!” He commanded.

All thoughts ceased, and I struggled to breathe.

“I’m right here.”

I nodded. Afraid to speak.

“Lauren, how long have you been experiencing this drop?”

I didn’t know. It felt like weeks. I seemed to need him all the time. And the more I did, the more I pushed him away. I felt foolish and psychotic. Nobody should ever need somebody this badly. I hadn’t known it was a drop. I just knew the faucet of horrible emotions never seemed to stop running. How had he known?

“Baby, why didn’t you tell me?”

“I…”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“Okay!” I snapped. It was too much. “I’ve been trying to keep it together. The more that I tried, the crazier I felt. I’m broken, Salt. I can’t handle relationships. Not anymore. I’ve really tried, but it just doesn’t work. Ironically, I end up with stalkers and assholes who don’t know how to treat me. I wanted things to work with you. But I just can’t seem to catch the ground. I keep spiraling deeper into this… this… funk!”

“Baby, it’s not that easy. You’ve got to work on it. Depending on how far you’ve dropped, it’ll take time. We can do it together, but you’ve got to let me in. As far as the ridiculous fuckers before me, I’m not interested in them, just you.”

“No, I…”

“That wasn’t optional, girl.”

I pouted. Bottom lip out. Full grunt and squeal. Arms folded. Scowl across my face. Pouted.

Salt took a chocolate cookie from the plate that he’d placed on the bedside table and took a big bite. He took one of the two glasses of milk and sipped it while he ignored my fit. I gasped in shock. He was snacking without me!

“Ready to stop acting like a brat?”

I wasn’t acting like a brat. I was just … I sighed.

“Yes, Sir.”

“And you’re ready to let me in?”

I mumbled my response.

“I don’t understand that shit. Told you before. My girl isn’t afraid to talk to me.”

“I just … what if you grow bored with me?”

“I’m too creative to let that be the case. And trust me … you’re colorful all on your own.”

“What if I change? I won’t be this youthful forever. And if you keep feeding me snacks at bedtime, I’m going to be huge!”

“You’ll always be mine. And I’ll love every pound that you gain.”

“But what if…”

“Lauren, I appreciate that you’re looking for ways for me to tell you that I love you. No matter what scenarios you give me, the outcome will always be the same.”

“What’s that?”

Salt leaned forward and kissed my pouting lips.

“I love you, my girl. We’ll figure out the rest. Just remember to talk to me and we’ll find a way.”

“Promise?”

Salt sat down his glass and pulled me into his arms. He snaked a hand under my robe and smacked my thigh before kissing me deeply. When he pulled away, he put my necklace back into place around my neck. With a firm tug, he pulled my lips back to his for another kiss.

“I promise.”

And this time, I believed him.