Page 110 of Rogue of My Heart

Christian had the good sense to look guilty. “You thought I had come to ask about your sister,” he said. He wasn’t stupid, and he didn’t think Fergus was either.

Fergus grinned wistfully. “She hasn’t given me a moment’s peace about mucking things up with all that engagement nonsense. I’m just so deeply sorry that she had to get her way and get out of the engagement to your brother in the manner she did.”

Christian winced. “She didn’t get her way entirely,” he said, staring at his hat in his hands.

There was a pause before Fergus said, “So you’re going to go through with marrying Lady Aoife? Even though you’re a daft fool who is in love with my sister?”

Christian snapped his eyes up to meet Fergus’s. “Is it that obvious?”

“Yes, man, it is,” Fergus laughed. “The two of you have been shameless since the engagements were announced.”

Christian averted his gaze from Fergus. The man had no idea how shameless they’d been. Still, as hard as he’d tried in the last few days, Christian couldn’t regret bedding Marie. And he couldn’t reconcile the war within him that said he owed more to Marie for ruining her, as was their intent, than he did to Lady Aoife. His heart knew what he should be doing, but his head was still so hopelessly clouded with his father’s voice and with guilt. The confusion of the whole thing was maddening. And that was without taking his part in the wreck into consideration. Every which way he turned, every avenue of thought he pursued, was fraught with complications and guilt.

“I don’t know what to do,” he confessed at last, shrugging helplessly. “I owe so much to so many people so suddenly. I want one thing, but I know I have to accept another. No one prepares you for your entire life being turned upside down in a moment.”

“Don’t I know it,” Fergus laughed, writhing uncomfortably in his chair.

“That’s why I’ve come to you for advice,” Christian rushed on. “You’re the only person I can think of who has experienced a reversal of fortune like this.”

“I am,” Fergus admitted with a grave nod.

“How did you handle it?” Christian leaned forward, setting his hat aside and resting his arms on his knees to stare intently at Fergus. “How did you juggle your responsibilities and your desires? How did you choose between duty and yourself? How could you ever let yourself be happy again?”

The last question tumbled out of him before Christian could stop himself. For Fergus, there probably hadn’t been any question of whether he could or should be happy. The attack that had changed his life hadn’t been his fault. He hadn’t been the one wielding the club. Not like Christian had.

Fergus studied him with a brotherly look and let out a sigh. “There’s no way to go on but to take one step at a time. Proverbial steps, mind you,” he added with a wry grin, patting one of his legs.

“I’m sorry,” Christian said, not entirely sure why. It was the only thing he could say that seemed appropriate these days. He was sorry for the pain of others and sorry for the destruction he’d caused through his own carelessness.

Fergus shrugged. “Part of my life ended,” he said. “Another part began. I was lucky to have a good woman standing by my side. Mind you, I tried to run her off. Henrietta wouldn’t have it, though. She was far smarter than I was in the end.”

A long pause followed. Christian had been staring at his knees as Fergus spoke. When he looked up, he found Fergus staring pointedly at him.

“You have a good woman who’s willing to stand by your side too, you know,” he said. “And I’m not talking about Lady Aoife.”

Shame hit Christian fast and hard. “I don’t deserve Marie,” he said, aching on the inside. “I don’t deserve to be happy, after what I’ve done.”

“Come off it, man,” Fergus scoffed. “I understand you’re still in shock and you’ve a great deal more grieving left to do, but only a dolt denies himself?—”

Fergus didn’t have a chance to finish his scolding. Peals of laughter sounded from the hall outside of the office. A moment later, Marie passed by the doorway with one of her sisters. The two of them were laughing over something. A bolt of joy hit Christian square in the heart, filling him with a burst of longing so acute it squeezed his throat, making any speech impossible. Marie was and always would be the most beautiful, amazing thing he’d ever seen.

But hard on the heels of that moment of light, darkness caved in on him. What right did he have to be happy when his father and brother were dead? What right did Marie have to laugh when the tragedy would swallow up her life too?

Irrational anger lifted him to his feet, and he shot out of Fergus’s office, chasing after Marie. Part of him screamed to think twice about what he was doing, but the gaping chasm of sorrow inside of him suddenly seemed to encompass everything. It dragged him under into impulsive desolation before he could stop himself.

“How dare you?” he snapped, grabbing Marie’s arm and stopping her in her tracks. She gasped and spun to face him, her eyes wide, but the dam of bitterness that he’d so carefully managed to maintain since the accident burst. “How dare you smile and laugh and pretend as if the world is nothing but a joke when everything has been completely and utterly ruined?”

Nine

Marie had never been so shocked in her life. Not only was it a surprise to find Christian in her house too early in the morning for calls, she was startled into silence by the uncharacteristic anger rippling off of him. Everything about him seemed red, from the flush that painted his face to the embroidered accents in his otherwise drab, black waistcoat.

She glanced him up and down, wondering if he was aware of the hint of inappropriate color in the way he was dressed. And he had the nerve to demand why she was smiling?

“There is nothing wrong with me being in a merry mood,” she hissed, shaking his hands off of her.

“There is when your fiancé is dead and the man you profess to love is to blame,” Christian snapped in return.

He seemed to suddenly notice Colleen a few steps farther down the hall, watching the entire exchange with wide, interested eyes. Marie spotted Fergus wheeling into the doorway of his study.