Page 75 of Rivals

Lachlan is the first toworkat pushing past my walls. I thought it was because I’m his muse, which still makes me roll my eyes. My point is that it isn’t just for his artistic gain. He’s not just using me. He wants me for more than just my body. No one has ever made the effort for me, ever. Fear has been sitting in my gut like a rock because of it. I’m scared to tell him that I want more with him because we could flourish together, or it will tear us apart and leave nothing but bloody remains.

I sit down on the couch and realize something is different. His apartment is clean. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it this clean before. He comes around the couch with a cup of tea, and I take it slowly. He’s buttering me up for something, making the pizza in my stomach slosh around. Maybe he will take it back? Maybe he doesn’t want me after all but that doesn’t track with what he just said.

“Do you have your share of the money?” I hold the mug closer, letting it burn me, and I shakily raise it, taking a sip of the scalding tea to give myself a second. I immediately don’t want to agree to any of this, and I want to run away instead. This thing between us is all becoming very real, and it feels more than temporary. “Revna,” Lachlan’s voice cracks.

The edges of his eyes are tight and irritated. I avoid his gaze and focus on the steaming tea. “No, I didn’t get it all.”

“How much did you get?” he asks. I tighten my grip on the mug and lift it again.

“About three hundred,” I mumble.

“Really? That’s—,” he sighs. “Revna, you’ve been working nonstop. How do you only have three hundred dollars?” he says. I shrug and continue to stare into my mug. “Then you’re going to have to sublet. It’s that simple.”

I freeze. I knew it was coming. I knew I would have to decide, and it would be the only way to get all the money. But I can’t do it. I’m good where I am. It’s the only place I have ever felt totally safe. We sit in silence so long I can feel the boiling point being pushed higher and higher. “I can’t,” I mutter.

“The hell you can’t.”

“Joshua doesn’t know, and I don’t think he would like having a roommate he doesn’t know.”

Lachlan huffs a laugh. “Yeah, I don’t think that’s the problem. The dude is hardly ever there.”

“You don’t know that,” I mumble back.

“If you don’t want to go to Italy anymore, I deserve to know, Revna,” he says coldly. I force myself to look at him. He’s seething with frigid anger, and I know I’m part of the problem.

“I want to go to Italy.” He growls and slams his mug on the coffee table, and hot tea splashes everywhere, including his skin. I wince, but he doesn’t seem to notice as he paces the space in front of me.

I can tell he’s actively trying to calm himself down as his nostrils flare with heavy breaths. “What the hell do you want me to do, huh?!”

I don’t know how to answer that. I paid my rent, and then I spent the other half on drugs. I know it was wrong. I’ve found myself craving the numbness more than anything else.

I should have brought my stash with me.

“Revna!” Lachlan yells and I jump. “Answer me! What is going on with you? You don’t seem like you want to go to Italy. It feels like you’re doing everything possible to keep that from happening. What are you doing with yourself? You’ve lost weight, and I can see the bags under your eyes.”

“I’m fine,” I snap. He grabs his mug and chucks it against the exposed brick wall. It explodes into pieces and drips down the cracks.

“The hell you are!” he yells. His chest moves up and down in rapid succession, and he pushes his hands through his hair over and over again. I put my mug on the table and stand to face him.

“What do you want from me!” My nose burns, and I swallow hard, hoping it will disappear.

“I want the damn truth! You say you want to go, and then you don’t hold up your end of the deal you agreed to. Then you disappear for weeks without a word. Look at you, Revna! You’re wasting away!”

“Screw you! You don’t know me!”

He laughs, a full-bodied laugh full of sadness and anger, like they belong together. “Oh, but I do, little bird. I’ve done everything in my power to show that to you. Do you not see how we are together? I get you because you are me! You’re angry because you’re losing control, so you’re trying to tiptoe around me. You’re sad because you’re holding something in and refuse to trust anyone with it. You’re afraid of being left behind, but we’ve already been abandoned.”

He takes a step towards me, and I retreat one back. He huffs a laugh and rubs his beard angrily. “My chest feels like it’s constantly splitting open because I can’t handle what’s going on inside. It’s about to rip me apart, and I know that’s exactly how you feel.”

“You’re wrong,” I spit.

He kicks the couch with his shoe and paces more while his hands keep fisting and relaxing. “Why can’t you trust me? What are you holding back? Don’t you see what it’s doing? I told you I wanted you, yet you refuse to give in. The least you can do is tell mewhy! I deserve that, Revna!“ he yells. A vein pops out in his neck, and I stare at it instead of his eyes. I know I’ll break if I look. I just need a second to gather my courage.

“I told you why, Lachlan. You just didn’t want to hear it!” He roars and pushes his fist through a canvas sitting on his easel.

“You know what, I don’t need this. Screw you! And screw this!” I flip him off and stomp out the door. He was right about all of it. Tears stream down my face, and I want to rip everything around me apart. I want to take so much OBA I won’t feel anything. I’d probably need something stronger. I never thought about getting into the harder stuff, but why not? It would be a lot easier than dealing with all of this, wouldn’t it?

It’s late, and it’s dark. I’m ignoring everything else as I hurry home, constantly checking over my shoulder. I keep my eyes wide open, and I hope to God that it stays this quiet.