Page 6 of Rekindling Little River (Littles of Rawhide Ranch #14)
River
Frustration consumed River by lunchtime on their first full day at Rawhide Ranch. What was happening? Were they broken? Would they never find that all-consuming peace again?
They didn’t get it. Their outfit reflected their Little side.
The cute overalls covered in rainbow-colored dinosaurs made them feel light and happy.
The space buns wrapped in colorful scrunchies served to not only keep their long hair out of their face, but also brought joy to their heart each time they caught sight of them.
With an atmosphere geared toward helping people let go, and the added benefit of their own personal trappings, there should have been no reason that River wouldn’t be able to let their Little free.
Despite all that, however, River had yet to find that state of mind.
They’d idly wondered over the last year if maybe they were broken. While they’d managed to put on a show, play with their friends, and pretend everything was normal, they hadn’t actually slipped fully into Little space in so long they could hardly remember what it felt like.
At first they figured it was stress. Oftentimes that could play a huge part in being able to let go enough to slip into Little space and being a paramedic wasn’t exactly a low angst occupation. But it just didn’t make sense. Work stress had never affected their Little before.
Then, they’d figured maybe it was the fact that they were attempting it without the supervision of a Big.
But everything they’d tried to do today had been supervised by someone in a role of authority.
What if their Little had just abandoned them?
What if they’d never be Little again? They’d already accepted that they’d likely be alone for the rest of their life; that was bad enough.
How could they possibly face being alone without their Little side?
As they wandered into the Italian restaurant, their distressing thoughts made the idea of the rich pasta sauces decidedly less appealing, but the idea of going back out to try and fail again at something that used to be as natural as breathing pushed them further in the doors.
Their thoughts had so consumed their mind that they didn’t remember exactly how they got to the table, or the name of the server currently asking them for their drink order.
Blinking back tears, River asked for a water. The server didn’t rush off right away, however. Instead, they studied them with kind, concerned eyes. “Is everything okay?”
River attempted a reassuring smile, something they’d always been able to do for their friends, but something told them the server wasn’t buying it. “It’s fine. Just a long day.”
“Okay, if you’re sure.” At River’s nod, they continued, “I’ll get this water for you and be right back. Let me know if you need anything else.”
River got the distinct impression the server wasn’t just talking about food and beverages, but they didn’t have the foggiest idea how to describe what was happening with them. They didn’t understand it themself.
Somehow, River managed to get their order placed, though if you asked what they’d ordered they wouldn’t be able to tell you.
Still, food was coming and that’s what really mattered.
River’s gaze roamed out the back windows of the restaurant, but they weren’t taking in the view of the pool backdropped with the impressive mountains in the distance.
They weren’t really seeing much of anything beyond memories of every instance in the last year that they’d longed for their Little and been unable to find them.
Grief swamped them, their heart aching with a loss most wouldn’t understand.
It was one thing to lose those close to them, people they loved, admired, respected.
How should one grieve the loss of a whole side of oneself?
River was startled back into the here and now by the clatter of a dish being placed in front of them. They looked up, expecting their server, but were instead faced with green eyes sparkling with mischief, brown hair cut super short on the sides and longer on top, and a welcoming smile.
The newcomer took a seat across from River and reached out a hand. “Hi! I’m Tay, pronouns they/them.”
River reached over and grasped the offered hand, relishing the idea of a distraction. “I’m River. Also, they/them.”
“Sweet!” Tay’s smile grew as they took River in before faltering as they asked, “So, River, why are you sitting here, at the happiest place on earth, looking like you’re fighting tears?”
Well, that was a pretty straightforward question, which River appreciated more than they could say. Somehow, being asked outright made it easier to give an honest answer, despite the fact that they’d only just met Tay.
“It’s probably stupid, but I can’t seem to find my Little space anymore. It’s been so long I’m not even sure I remember what it felt like. It’s like I’ve been abandoned by this whole part of myself and… I don’t know, I guess I’m mourning.”
Tay studied River for a long moment, an air of contemplation about them, before asking, “Do you have a Big?”
River shook their head sadly. “No, and I most likely never will.”
“Why do you say that?” There wasn’t any malice in the question, just curiosity, like they just wanted all the facts before forming a response.
“I’m not what most people picture in a partner.
I don’t fit a mold, can’t be predicted, and am so far outside the box it’s ridiculous.
The few relationships I’ve tried to have all ended in disaster.
It’s hard for people to truly understand that they aren’t getting any one thing with me and it often makes them feel that I’m too much. ”
“Well,” Tay declared, “that’s not likely to stop the right person, but that’s a problem for later. Right now, you need to eat that pasta before it gets cold, and then… we’re going to hunt down your Little side.”
River looked down at their food, finding they’d ordered a favorite and smiled as they picked up a fork to twirl some fettuccine noodles. “And how, exactly, does one hunt down one’s Little side?”
“Well, we need to find something that lures them out.” Tay’s eyes crinkled and a laugh bubbled from them when River finally placed the pasta in their mouth and moaned embarrassingly loud over the amazing flavors of the sauce and unique texture of the noodles. “Like that?”
“It’s amazing! There’s no way those noodles were packaged.”
“Nope, I made them.”
“Wow, you’re amazing.”
Tay smirked and made River laugh as they said, “Of course I am.”