Page 89 of Redeemed (Dirty Air 4)

“You can. You only need to get back in the car and try. It only takes one time to let the rush take over and erase your fears. People like us crave that kind of adrenaline, and it’ll never go away, no matter how hard you try. And I’ve h

elped create the technology to—”

“I love you like a brother for wanting to help me, but I can’t do it. You don’t understand.”

“Give me a reason why I should drop it. A good reason. Not the same bullshit you’ve been spewing for years.”

“Is there a bigger reason than the fact that I’m down a leg and shouldn’t be behind a wheel in the first place?”

“Don’t you miss it? Didn’t racing against me yesterday stir up anything in you?”

Of course it did. The race had me feeling buzzed to the point of feeling drunk without touching an ounce of alcohol. I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it, but I accomplished my fear with Chloe by my side. It reminded me how I miss it more than anything in the world. But missing something I can never achieve again doesn’t serve a purpose.

Wishing for the impossible is stupid. Chloe would kill me for saying it, but it doesn’t make my words any less true. Wishes lead to disappointment, and disappointment leads to depression, and I’m done battling that darkness. It’s exhausting fighting an invisible war inside of my head.

“I don’t think I can ever race with F1 again.”

He nods his head, looking away. “I can manage that.”

“What?” I rear back.

“You said ‘you don’t think.’ You’ve spent years saying you won’t, but this is the first time you’re uncertain. That you hesitate when I ask. All I have to do is convince you otherwise.”

I shake my head from side to side. “You can’t.”

“Maybe I can’t, but now you have someone worth pushing yourself for. Maybe you want to show her and yourself that you can be the man she deserves. The guy who would go through hell to walk out on the other end victorious. And that’s enough to get you back behind the wheel. I know it.”

I don’t try to correct him. It’s not like I can reveal that my whole relationship is a farce. And most of all, I don’t know if Noah is entirely wrong. I’ve already accomplished more in the small time I’ve known Chloe than I have in the past few years. But while she makes me feel good, I can’t ignore the feelings growing inside of me.

A hand smacking again my shoulders steals away my attention. I’m spun around, coming face-to-face with James Mitchell. He looks the same since the day I left the racing world. His graying hair is slicked back, and his suit remains as pristine as ever.

“Look who it is!” His green eyes lighten as his smile widens.

“Hey, James.”

“It’s good to have you back.”

My posture goes rigid. “For the weekend.”

His smile doesn’t falter. “Even better. My old age means I can only handle one of you assholes at a time.” He winks.

Noah laughs beside me. My shoulders drop, and I release a breath I didn’t know I was holding in. I don’t know why I expected James to push me on the subject, but he remains relaxed.

James wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me into him. “Relax. We’re happy to have you even if it’s just for a weekend.”

I nod my head and return his hug. After being gone for as long as I have, I didn’t realize how much I missed James. I’ve neglected this part of my life for too long.

He releases me. “How do you feel about saying hi to some of the old crew? They’ve been wanting to say hi, but they didn’t want to cross any boundaries.”

Since when have I become an intimidating piece of shit? That was always Noah’s job. I look over at my brother-in-law, wondering how I became the grumpy asshole out of the two of us.

Noah lifts a brow in a silent response.

Right.

Is this how I want to be remembered? Even after Noah retires and I never have to show my face at a racetrack again, I’ll go down in history as the recluse who let my circumstances ruin me. And no one wants to be remembered as the loser in history.

I nod my head, solidifying my decision. Fuck the consequences. I’m going to say hi, even if a bit of my dignity shrivels up and dies.